mandyjw

@TheAvatarState It was the "result" of a LOT of communication over time, put together with realizations, insights and discoveries in "real life". Feel free to PM me if you want more details than that. In the end anything we did, saw, spoke, heard or realized is One and lead to or triggered an awakening or is leading there. The timeline is ultimately irrelevant. Yet this forum is a good place to look for remaining puzzle pieces. One important discovery was that I found that in my attempt at teaching others what I thought I already knew, I was able to see that I didn't really know at all. The participation aspect and the willingness to be wrong was key.

Oooo... that was coincidental timing.

Insight and knowledge is a necessary part of this beyond and including it all, Understanding. If someone has the slightest opening in a debate it can sometimes mean that they are on the edge of a major realization. I came here and started to read and post heavily a year ago, I had followed and loved Leo's videos for years and really disagreed with where he was going and came here basically to protest and debate. I thought a lot of people were really wasting their time here. Lots of strange things came together and I awakened on the forum, a month of two after that. Was not expecting that. You have some really valid points, it IS a trap, and nothing can be said however, it's so utterly paradoxical and counter intuitive that maybe the trap is the way. Your own intuition and feeling is what will lead you to what you seek. God works in mysterious ways.

Last night I had a dream which is a recurring one, in which I discover a hidden room in my old house that I forgot was there. The house in the dream is not my house as it is, but it's assumed it's mine and the room changes dream to dream, and usually includes it's own flight of stairs and an upper level. I'm usually intrigued and somewhat afraid of or overwhelmed by this room. Unlike the rest of the house it's unrenovated and probably full of rodents and would be a lot of work to get back to an order in which I could use it and it would be a part of the house again. I usually end the dream not really sure what to do about it. I've never thought to consider how it applies to my life but it's so obvious now. Is the house a metaphor for the brain or the body? Unconscious, subconscious? All of the above as their actually one? When we were renovating the house in real life, I found a tiny sealed off "room" while gutting a bedroom and it had it's own wallpaper and someone threw a newspaper in it to make it a time capsule. I did a hip flexibility yoga video yesterday and stretched before I mediated today (that should have been a no brainer, HA! ) and meditation was mostly pain free without shifting positions.

It's hard to be open-minded when you think you're open-minded.

@DrewNows This is so true yet so counter-intuitive to me. Sorry for the side note but it's funny I was just talking about this in another thread. My sister is an advanced yoga teacher and tai chi instructor and personal trainer. She always berated me for my posture. I felt judged for it every second. Last week I took off my sweater and she stared at me to see what shape I'm in. It brought back all those feelings. We're connecting more than ever as I understand the importance of connecting with the body and she understands the psychology part, but there's still stuff between us that can be healed. I followed my heart, and I discovered the law of attraction which allowed me to even more clearly follow my heart and shortly after my reality "broke". The stories and the subconscious connection came after that. I was not expecting any of it or intentionally did any of it. I'm currently studying or wanting to know the answer of how far it's necessary for people to go into past stories. It was part of my path, but it wasn't intentional and I don't want to draw the conclusion that everyone has to do the same thing I did. For me it was an experience of rewriting my past from a new perspective and seeing and feeling how everything was pointing toward awakening. As allowed this stuff seems to bubble up, call it karma clearing or whatever you want. What I don't know is if it bubbled up because it was the last thing I was willing to see, or if it was the only time I was ready to "see". It's all love. You have to be on the frequency of love to "see" through pain, to rewrite painful past beliefs. Sometimes my love leads me into a story, and the clairvoyant doctor story line was basically something I created (without having any physical means to create but unfolded rather) to focus my love and see that love is timeless. It's all law of attraction. I attracted the "assistance" of this unfolding story line in awakening. As far as I understand, or rather I allowed it. It's not about the story, it's about how it makes you feel, what it shows you. We are told to be careful of thought stories, rightfully so. These are the stories that we cling to as believing are "real". Yet metaphors, parables and little koans are amazing powerful teachers. The truth of a story is found only in how it makes you feel. I think my going into fantasy and stories that way allowed me to access the higher self. Then the clairvoyant doctor story was both real and fairy tale in my reality, and it helped break the duality. What negative energies do you refer to? Negative is our own interpretation. (Not above this, I read too much about corona virus today when I opened an email I was expected was going to be inspiring, not fear mongering and fell into an energetic nose-dive. ) We don't want to be blind to things and ignorant/ignore-ant of them. But it takes practice to hold presence and look a tiger in the eye without screaming.

My sister is a yoga and tai chi instructor, we never agreed when it came to spirituality but it's really healing in many ways as our paths come together.

Seeking feeling better < seeking feeling better < seeking feeling better

You could think of it like this, sort of. The positive part of the desire to awaken, the part of it that feels good, the inspiration, curiosity, love you have for the world and knowing it deeper is "progress" so to speak, yet it does not care nor know that it is progress because it is fulfilled in itself. It's like being excited to drive somewhere and being thrilled with the feeling of driving the car there. The fear, the feeling of something lacking, the fear of missing something big is the illusory part. You came to evolve, to love and become, you are not a defined solid being. You will never get it done, nor do you want to. The beauty and joy in creation, in knowing this, is the peace that passes understanding.

For the past two days I've meditated with an attempt at perfect posture. I've always had bad posture. I've noticed that there's like a fire in my belly which arises and is uncomfortable when my spine is straight. So I always slouch. This fire, I'm starting to realize, is energy and alertness. Though slouching and curling up soothes it, it's also dulling and makes me sleepy. By the end of a meditation session, I'm shaking, energized. I don't have the lovely sleepy daydreams and feelings that I normally do. It feels more like endurance, a continual going back to feeling the actuality of what I want to call "back pain".

@BETGR164128 I actually do have thyroid problems and also ate tomatoes yesterday. OK, nevermind what I said, this Oneness stuff is creepy.

A lot of it is due to simply over-thinking in social situations. Instead of looking for concrete answers and habits to develop, try more of a meditative approach, continually check in with belly breathing during interactions, or when you start to feel stress or uncertainty. Interaction is alive, such is the nature of love and life that it is ever fluid and always changing. Love is alive. Consciousness is alive. There are no right answers, it's all intuitive so that's why it feels scary sometimes. We seek security and stability in learning the "proper" ways to interact but this doesn't allow for the fulfilling raw interactions that we desire.

It's more satisfying to send someone healing energy then it is to play doctor when you're not actually their doctor or even separate than.

https://www.accesstoinsight.org/lib/authors/nanamoli/PathofPurification2011.pdf

How are you supposed to reconcile this BEAUTIFUL practice with the law of attraction and insights from Abraham Hicks that say to not focus on pain? https://www.lionsroar.com/how-to-practice-tonglen/ I don't think there can be directions for it. A few days ago a comment by Leo in response to someone struck me. He basically said that there is something like a mourning period for the ego. I wasn't sure what I thought of this, it sounded like a conundrum much like focusing on someone's pain and breathing it in. For the past few nights I have been having these sort of insight experiences for lack of a better description. I had another emotional dream where I reacted since the last I mentioned, but since then just visualizations. One was a seeing/feeling sort of visualization of how when two people are interacting, one conscious and one not, it is only the interaction the One and so it's inconsequential who "one" is as one is no one of the two. The visual part could best be described as the infinity symbol, the two connected loops, each empty in the center. Last night I had one of these visualizations which are always positive in nature except last night. I mourned my ego. There was a lot of emotion around it. It also made the question come up morning, do I really suffer in dreams? Do I suffer like I do in the day? I don't think I do. It brings everything back around to the first question I asked in this post. I had one last normal dream before I woke up. I dreamed that I was in an awful old house and there was wind coming in from somewhere. I had put a sheet of wall paper up but it was coming loose and blowing around. I pinned it down again and when I looked again, I saw that the wallpaper was partially covering a screen of a tv.

@SilentTears That's the BEST compliment, thank you! I had a couple thoughts today worth writing down. One was about getting "sucked in" to a low vibration when people are upset around me. My four year old is extremely dramatic. I practice being present and letting the vibration move "through me" which works perfectly sometimes and other times not. It's easy for me to know that I don't need to get upset when she is upset, because she cries about ridiculous little things. But the "super serious important" things grown ups get upset about are just as ridiculous as her not be allowed to wear her Paw Patrol underwear on the outside of her pants. Yesterday I made a really big connection with the way I have practiced tonglen in the past (for lack of a better description, because I'm incapable of following directions and never know what the fuck I'll improvise in a recipe because I have a better idea). Anyway, I "realized" how to connect breath, body and emotions, at first in regard to "other" people and saw how this all connected. All those strong emotions I've had in regards to "other people" all my life are not a barrier but energy. Then I was bringing in groceries. I was thinking about my body and how I was just using it to do my bidding as if it were a vehicle or an object I owned. And I realized how ridiculous it is for me to get mad at anyone for objectifying me, because I've done it on the deepest level my entire life and am the only one who can do so.

You could also paint the wall bright and I mean BRIGHT, yellow.

I don't know why but it just struck me that that would make an amazing book title.

@Zigzag Idiot Thank you! Interested to watch it. @SilentTears No, I do not think that there is anything wrong with self inquiry. I do believe that following intuition and using creative new ways to go about the same "practices"... maybe without even knowing that one is doing a practice at all, is more of the path of the creative type. For example some practices that people have to do may be ingrained in you or second nature and others may have to seek these out and intentionally "practice" them. It makes a lot of sense that both paths would resonate with you. The book had a lot of value in giving credit to a path that is not recognized by many in this work, however the goal of nonduality is integration. It's both paths, all paths, no paths. In the end there is no real self concept of one on a path or having traveled any path at all. Many teachers teach assuming that the path they traveled and the order in which they realized things is normal, and that their map can be copied and given to others as if spirituality is a linear progression, like with most practical things you can learn. This is why people who are likely to really look up to a teacher and want to be told what practices specifically to do are more likely to see the more intuitive creative path as foolish, distraction and a waste of time. No one outside of you can make that judgment and can allow other's judgments into their consideration. We were taught from an early age to follow the rules, do what we're told and play it safe. Even in spirituality, where we let ourselves be free, an authority or teacher can still take that role of a parent or teacher without us seeing this tendency. I think the main take away is to trust yourself, trust yourself to follow your heart and uncover the wisdom that is already there. Trust the practices that resonate with you. For me a lot of my journey has been moving back and forth between buckling down and getting serious and letting go, accepting and practicing self love. Meditation and being itself is where those things can't be called opposites anymore.

One of the "memories" that stands out a lot from my awakening was how it changed how I literally saw people. There were a lot of visual changes, it felt like a scene in a movie when everything is flooded with this heavenly light. During this time I scrolled through my Facebook feed. Every single face in every photo shone brilliantly with this light and I loved each and every face and saw perfection and beauty in it. Normally when I scroll through Facebook I see a lot of stupid things, a lot of ugly things... in other words it's a judgment/thinking fest. And it's unconscious. It happens in an instant, it's like a gut reaction. Yesterday I met someone who will be taking over for someone who handles some of my personal information. As soon as I saw her face I had this "Oh SHIT" reaction. In a split second I was concerned that she wasn't trustworthy, just because of how she looks. I hadn't even gone so far as to think about it, it was just a gut reaction, or feeling. My mind will try to explain its feelings later, and give logical reasons for it, but it's all bullshit. This is the root of prejudice and racism itself. It's a survival instinct, fear itself playing out and literally veiling how I see. Though I don't act on it, (consciously), and though I make a huge effort to see what I appreciate in everyone, I feel my my initial gut reaction shows the state of my heart. I want to see all faces with the same unconditional love and acceptance that I have for my kids, (when they are behaving). Not after a moment of talking myself into it, but instantly. Has anyone watched this reaction in themselves, worked with it, worked through it? I've been taught to trust my gut feelings, and not to ignore them but I feel like I passed off a lot of knee jerk judgments as "gut feelings" for most of my life.

@Consilience Thank you. I've definitely experienced that also with depression and the pushing against, denial of. It's really interesting to compare the two. Depression seems slow to creep up and slow to go, this is such a instant thing and not one that makes me suffer in such a direct obvious way, but the more I consider it the more I realize that the time difference is an illusion, and it's a reflection of me and my state of presence and connection with myself. I believe in the power of intentions in addition to acceptance (after all which comes before and which comes after if is time is illusory?) and I intend to see through this layer of threat. Even if it KILLS me, (or feels like it) goddamn it. That's a tricky one. It can be tricky when embodiment of an experience becomes a standard we hold ourselves to rather than an inspired vision of our true nature. So easy to pull new standards and new self concepts out of thin air.

https://www.psychologicalscience.org/observer/how-many-seconds-to-a-first-impression In 1/10th of a second or less we judge a face for trustworthiness and then attraction, basically, survival concerns.

Ok, what's the difference between knowledge and an insight/epiphany? How do they feel different? You didn't tell me how any of those things actually felt, you gave me account of how you judge yourself when you are experiencing them. I know this very well, sitting on the couch eating cookies feels like paradise until I think about the size of my ass in the future. I want to know how they feel, without judgement or concept but still using words to express the feeling.

What does knowledge feel like when you find it? What does liberation feel like? What does sitting on your couch eating cookies feel like?

You use hearts just like a southern lady uses the expression "Well BLESS YOUR heart" as a polite way to say f-you. There are a lot of people I know if "real" life who won't watch Leo's videos because they automatically assume they already know what he's saying, or because the videos are just "too long". There are infinite depths of understanding what you think you already know. There is also something creepier going on when you listen to a higher consciousness person talk, a transmission of some kind that you can feel and experience. I'm not assuming that we all resonate with the same teachers though.