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mandyjw

Clearing Out

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  After reading AleksM's thread a second time through, I want to try the practice he suggested. This is the form he gave, I may let the form evolve with time as I go, I'm not sure. 

"1. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed ____ (describe your harmful selfish way of thinking, acting, emoting) 
    2. When I notice and become aware of ___(describe the things you mentioned earlier), I stop and breath.
    3. I am conscious that ___ (1. describe the harmful consequences of your pattern and why it's not supportive for all life. 2. Describe why and how the changed action is better for all)
    4. This is why from now on, I am committed to (describe a practical healthy mind pattern new pattern that is best for all life with which you're substituting the old, unnecessary, selfish and harmful pattern)"

1. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to quickly react in a way to shame my husband for being forgetful.
    2. When I notice and become aware of myself immediately being overcome with feelings of regret, fear and shortcoming, I stop and breathe.
    3. I am conscious that shaming other people for being forgetful is only an expression of how hard I am on myself and comes from a fearful contracted place. By forgiving myself and others for shortcomings I'll be able to experience life more fully, expansively and share in that with others.
    4. This is why from now on, I am committed to forgiving myself and others for what I perceive as shortcomings and letting go of my perfectionism and need to control. I am committed to embracing the present reality of the situation without the mind filter of an ideal "I" am trying to force it to mold to. 

Edited by mandyjw

My Youtube Channel- Light on Earth “We dance round in a ring and suppose, but the Secret sits in the middle and knows.”― Robert Frost

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1. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed going into blaming/"othering" mental stories. 
    2. When I notice and become aware of feeling inadequate before going into stories to blame others, I stop and breath.
    3. I am conscious that reinforcing my belief in other through stories and judgement makes me miss the opportunity to forgive myself.
    4. This is why from now on, I am committed to seeing myself in others and stopping the conflict within myself as it arises. 


My Youtube Channel- Light on Earth “We dance round in a ring and suppose, but the Secret sits in the middle and knows.”― Robert Frost

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It's funny to think that my intention for starting my first journal was really about me trying to... let go of a story. xD

Whew. That was an unexpected adventure. Blink. blink. 

One cannot write a new story about letting go of a story and say that they let go of their story. You didn't, you just started volume two. It's not quite that easy, yet it's even simpler than that. It's so simple it just BEGS and DEMANDS to be complicated, hence the need for incessant story telling. 

I really want to tell a story about how I'm pissed off at Rupert Spira. 

GODDAMN it, God why did you make it so sparkly and shiny? Fireworks and castles in the clouds, adventure, exploration, romance, magic and friendship. I love your imagination God, I love that you woo me with all the sparkly pretty things and the Valentines. How fitting that winter is coming. What am I doing here again? oh yeah... not telling stories. 

Blink. blink. 


My Youtube Channel- Light on Earth “We dance round in a ring and suppose, but the Secret sits in the middle and knows.”― Robert Frost

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Last week my son's classmate father and my neighbor's son died of cancer. I wasn't aware that my son's friend would be leaving to move across the country with his mother. His death really bothered me. This event helped illustrate to me very much how I use stories to cause my own suffering. 

I bought an Easter lily this past Easter because Easter had an entirely new yet very old revived meaning to me again. My lawn was dug up to fix a plumbing issue so when it stopped flowering I threw it out back to compost. I never got the area cleaned up well all summer. A week ago the lily bloomed again. I thought it had died out there but it hadn't and now there's just one prominent blossom. 

This morning I went to get a sympathy card or the father of my son's classmate and my neighbor who died from cancer. I picked a religious one with an Easter lily. When I went to check out there was no one at the counter. The store was entirely empty and I was in a rush.  So I stood there and without thought or intention starring at the impulse buy display, went into breath and sensation and dropped the story. It significance of this insignificant event hit me, no one had done anything at all. Immediately the cashier came out. 


My Youtube Channel- Light on Earth “We dance round in a ring and suppose, but the Secret sits in the middle and knows.”― Robert Frost

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Letting go feels so much like really embracing. The mind can't work out what's really happening. 


My Youtube Channel- Light on Earth “We dance round in a ring and suppose, but the Secret sits in the middle and knows.”― Robert Frost

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1 hour ago, mandyjw said:

Letting go feels so much like really embracing. The mind can't work out what's really happening. 

love it!

((control = confusion, confusion = control))???

embracing the unknown is allowing magic to do it's thing, limitations are a thought 

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@DrewNows So much of this seems mindblowingly simple and basic, it seems like the very first things I was practicing when I discovered Eckhart Tolle. Except there's a depth of realization or experience there, like I got something out of the way.

Suffering, awareness, body awareness, energy, source. BOOM. 

I don't know, maybe I'm full of it. My mind is still distracting me by being like...

GUESS WHAT EVERYONE!!! THERE'S NOTHING BUT THE PRESENT MOMENT! 

But you know what, distractions are perfect. What could I possibly be distracted from? 

It's like before letting go of the story thoughts were a chore and a supposed to do and now it's like the most exciting thing in the world. There's still suffering but it's an invitation. 


My Youtube Channel- Light on Earth “We dance round in a ring and suppose, but the Secret sits in the middle and knows.”― Robert Frost

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Mental suffering is an invitation to a party when you're like, "ehhh don't really want to go to that at all." But you go and then you have the best time, meet to love of your life there (yourself OF course!) and live happily ever after. 

Then you might get in a fight, break up and get another invitation but it's always YOU you ever meet at the party. 


My Youtube Channel- Light on Earth “We dance round in a ring and suppose, but the Secret sits in the middle and knows.”― Robert Frost

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My Youtube Channel- Light on Earth “We dance round in a ring and suppose, but the Secret sits in the middle and knows.”― Robert Frost

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6 hours ago, mandyjw said:

I went into a full nondual state while listening and walking a dog I just started sitting☺️
awesome video, had the same realization when I explored dog training, I like the dog whisperer Cesar Millan

 

 

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@DrewNows :x

This morning while driving somewhere far from home I saw a Happy Meal box thrown out on the side of the road, and watched my judgement start to come up.

I just got back from a run and saw a napkin on the side of the road with writing on it. I got the impulse to go back and read it. "Share your best" I read, but then I unfolded it and it continued "joke" and had a chicken on it.

Apparently God has made an agreement where he will speak to me through litter I've had a lot of experiences with this before. Does this speak to the quality of my faith? xD

I ran quite a way and really had a desire to just stop and go sit somewhere, but there were too many houses around so I knew I couldn't do that. I turned around to go back and just where I did were a couple of four piece chicken mcnugget containers thrown out. "Chicken". Got it. 

There's a property for sale there and I've paid a lot of attention to it over time and have had thoughts and ideas and daydreams about it that I won't write out. 

No one was there so I walked down and went down to the water and sat a minute. I found a piece of blue glass on the beach there. I just made my friend a necklace out of a piece of blue glass she found on the wall by the clairvoyant doctor's property. She said blue glass was significant to her and on that day, the last time she was here before she moved away it was like the universe was pulling out all the stops. After that blue glass started becoming a sign for me, and I walked into an antique store and found a antique cobalt blue witch ball that I bought. 

When I got home I got all mixed up about taking action on this sudden increase of meaning and ended up pulling out my tarot cards. I was very happy that they both suggested to not taking any action and strongly reassured me in my connection with everything else that is meaningful. 

It's just happening, you don't have to DO anything. Just bask in the wonder of it. 

Edited by mandyjw

My Youtube Channel- Light on Earth “We dance round in a ring and suppose, but the Secret sits in the middle and knows.”― Robert Frost

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The night before last, I became aware that I am experiencing those really strange feelings at the start of the night again, waking up in a half sleep state feeling like there are unsettling presences around me, maybe as if I'm stuck in some other realm but part of me knows I'm in bed in my home, but it isn't that really. That description is the best I can do to describe a very specific feeling, which is very odd. 

Yesterday I recognized that this was happening and considered it over the day. I made the intention to be courageous and investigate and try to clear my way through the fog if it happened again. If I were into witchcraft I'd look into a protection spell, but I know the only spirit who wants to screw with my own mind is me. 

Last night it DID happen again, this time with some translation, with insights, very ephemeral feeling based insights. A lot of the insights I get from sleep can be clearly translated, sometimes word for word but this one while it had meaning as it happened still cannot be easily translated even in my own mind. The ramifications of just being consciousness hit me. There was fear, some sense of, "here see, do you SEE what this really means?", bot no sense of any duality between seen and seer, fear and fearer.

There have been a lot of subtle insights and putting together the depth and ramifications of being just consciousness within the past week, and it's so gradual and subtle it doesn't make sense when I try to pin it along any time line. 


My Youtube Channel- Light on Earth “We dance round in a ring and suppose, but the Secret sits in the middle and knows.”― Robert Frost

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I have attracted a very odd situation in my life, that has completely brought to my awareness my discomfort with being objectified. There's a man I recently became aware of in my community, and he is someone that I will run into on various occasions, as well as his family members. I had noticed him before, he is extremely short, overweight and also has a very beautiful wife. I had assumed that since he comes from a great family, he must have a great personality and it was kind of sweet that they were together. It seems like in a rural area people use different criteria to select partners sometimes. 

I was at an event that they were at and even though I never spoke to him there, he friended me on Facebook. He started messaging me frequently there, with small talk and I thought that he genuinely wanted to be friends but within the past week it's more than obvious that he wants me to play into some sort of fantasy. He cares very little about who I am or what I'm feeling. It's such a bizarre, extreme example of this. In the past, there have been imbalanced people who came into my life with no sense of boundaries or decency and I have struggled to understand their reality and how they could be in MY reality. Since my awakening and seeing the story of my life, I realize that this is significant. I've spent a lot of time thinking about how I attracted this situation. 

Feeling objectified has been an issue for me lately. I've noticed that most people either don't see me at all, or they take interest and I become almost a form of entertainment for them. I've tried to embrace this at times liking the attention and feeling appreciated, becoming angry about it sometimes, but for most of my life I've tried to be invisible. I realize fully that I am not what I see or what others see, but it still has a strong emotional pull with the potential to make me feel good or bad about myself. I sometimes fool myself and others than I am a material being. What this man wants is not to physically cheat on his wife with me, but he does want to experience the fantasy of it. He wants to feel the depth of desire and acceptance. He wants to know himself. 

I never understood truly how materialistic I had been. I believed that I had a body, that other people had bodies, that the world operated upon a set of rules and expectations and understandings. It's funny that thoughts are not material themselves but they create the material yet can never experience it. 

I suppose appreciating beauty or desire is God itself, while it's being experienced in the moment for itself it is the highest form of purity. In seeking it, in trying to secure it, it creates the worst sort of devilry and madness. In seeking or in noticing its absence is the only place it will never be found. 


My Youtube Channel- Light on Earth “We dance round in a ring and suppose, but the Secret sits in the middle and knows.”― Robert Frost

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Watching a chipmunk out the window and pointing it out to my kids, is that objectification? Is picking a flower objectification? Did the Giving Tree care that it was objectified? Didn't we all objectify our mothers, and didn't they love us unconditionally despite our incredibly immature selfish point of view and neediness? 

I have objectified God. I have objectified enlightenment.  I have objectified everybody and everything, including myself. I have objectified objectification itself. xD


My Youtube Channel- Light on Earth “We dance round in a ring and suppose, but the Secret sits in the middle and knows.”― Robert Frost

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"Foxes have holes, and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has nowhere to lay his head."

Jesus. It was never my bed, or my sleep or my alone. I don't have a head. 


My Youtube Channel- Light on Earth “We dance round in a ring and suppose, but the Secret sits in the middle and knows.”― Robert Frost

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Oh... dear Lord.

A week or two ago I realized that I share the same middle name  with Dr. Pomroy, and that the real meaning of it is desire. Something told me today that I needed to google the meaning of the name Pomroy. I kept remembering and forgetting. My daughter kept asking all day long, "what's your name?" and that kept reminding me. Then she turned on my flashlights and left them on my computer desk pointed so that they were shinning in my eyes when I sat down. I was annoyed but knew it couldn't be a coincidence. Then I remembered to google the name. 

Despite the clearly found words of pomme and roy in the name, meaning "apple" in French and "king" in Old French (French roi), the surname given to Radulphus is not linked with the Old French word roy, but is the common place-name Pommeraye, that means "orchard of apple-trees", Modern French word pommeraie, from pommier "apple-tree" and old suffix -aye, now -aie, meaning "a collection of trees".

Edited by mandyjw

My Youtube Channel- Light on Earth “We dance round in a ring and suppose, but the Secret sits in the middle and knows.”― Robert Frost

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“He willeth we know that not only He taketh heed to noble things and to great, but also to little and to small, to low and to simple, to one and to other. And so meaneth He in that He saith: ALL MANNER OF THINGS shall be well. For He willeth we know that the least thing shall not be forgotten.”
― Julian of Norwich, Revelations of Divine Love


My Youtube Channel- Light on Earth “We dance round in a ring and suppose, but the Secret sits in the middle and knows.”― Robert Frost

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recognize

The verb recognize comes from the Latin root words re (again) and cognoscere (to know) – literally “to know again” or “to identify.”

understand (v.)

Old English understandan "comprehend, grasp the idea of," probably literally "stand in the midst of," from under + standan "to stand" (see stand (v.)). If this is the meaning, the under is not the usual word meaning "beneath," but from Old English under, from PIE *nter- "between, among" (source also of Sanskrit antar "among, between," Latin inter "between, among," Greek entera "intestines;" see inter-). Related: Understood; understanding.


My Youtube Channel- Light on Earth “We dance round in a ring and suppose, but the Secret sits in the middle and knows.”― Robert Frost

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I still don't know the difference between setting boundaries, letting people know how I feel and asking for what I need and unconsciously magnifying and perpetuating problems. The ego strengthens the more attention we give it, the ego of the conscious person dictating how we should act, yet the word is conscious for a reason, how do you not watch the ego and see the effects of the ego without law of attraction inflating it up?

I have an awful back and forth of seeing the beauty in the small, unseen, ignored things, and feeling indignant that they should be overlooked less. 

120 years ago a man took a lot of money that he had made in NYC and built a mansion here on a hill. No one had ever seen a mansion before, and now they had one in the center of their very poor town. People looked at it and saw physically manifested before them a shining example of wealth and success. There were many different energies and intentions placed upon that spot, many dreams were given birth to there. Then it burned down and the spot was just a memory and trees grew up around it and people went there to get drunk and threw their litter all over it until they moved away to bigger brighter more prosperous places. It was never before a more magical place. 

 


My Youtube Channel- Light on Earth “We dance round in a ring and suppose, but the Secret sits in the middle and knows.”― Robert Frost

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My Youtube Channel- Light on Earth “We dance round in a ring and suppose, but the Secret sits in the middle and knows.”― Robert Frost

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