5-D - L O V E

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Everything posted by 5-D - L O V E

  1. @musicandmath111 Infinity IS Oneness. You are right about infinity being out of the scope of mind understanding, but it can be "realized" to a certain degree intellectually, and that in turns helps you reach and intergrate experiences of inifinity once they're awoken to. For the intellectual explanation (narrative) here's how it goes, at the quantum level of this this physical reality, "everything" (i.e the building blocks of reality) is just particles and waves moving around in space-time according to known (and still to be known) physical laws, this is the objective material world, a giant soup of stuff that expands from the core of the particles that make up your guts to the outer reaches of the visible universe and possibly beyond. Now for you to exists as a separate ego, that ego has to trace a conceptual imaginary barrier that affirms only a small subset of this giant soup as "self", regarding everything else as the outside world, but in reality infinity permeates through everything, for you to exists as a separate self, infinity HAS TO END, but infinity has no end and no beginning, only the mind creates those to keep the illusion of ego persistent.
  2. As a person, I've been struggling with intense types of internal pain, anger, rage, self-destructive thoughts... almost all my life. I grew up with a very fragile ego due to the family and society situation I grew up in, I feel like I have been dealt a bad hand in that regard to say the least. At the same time, that same situation was the biggest catalyst for spirituality and reaching very deep states of consciousness. These states are where I feel at home, mainly non-dual or very deep flow states where everything is inter-connected, but understanding aside, I don't get transformative energetic states to stay after my trips, and I fall into my default mode which is a mess to say the least... I have "verified" non-duality more times than I can recall, I've seen and experienced Truth, I've talked with Truth... But for some reason, all the promises than fall upon me about my fully realized potential and how the whole unsiverse is gonna help me/conspire to make that a reality don't get carried on with... and I don't feel it's my fault at this point... Instead of having the dark night of soul lifted after I learn what I had to learn through it, I feel like my whole life was dark night after dark night without any sense of resolution, Has anyone in here gone through the same situation and had it resolved? I don't feel like any experience can fully heal me at this point... call it lack of faith, but I'd rather be truthful with my deepest feeling than carry a false (forced) sense of faith and confidence... Intuitively I know that full awakening (i.e 5meo becoming infinite) can deal with it, but that is full dissolution that I don't wanna carry on with right now (nor can I do it even if I wanted to), but I'd rather go with a "non-spiritual" solution (knowing that everything is spiritual...), to deal with my karma but it feels that I'm held back by my emotional baggage... What approach should I take? is there a way to radically recontextualize all of this in a direction I'm missing? Sorry for my messy posts but I always try to touch on what's the most relevant to me
  3. @Razard86 I agree with you, and it all makes sense on an intellectual level, but energetically I feel off when I'm around people since I always perceive that I'm the only one "practicing" unconditional-love while everyone else is lost in delusion. And I often get attacked and ridiculed for speaking my truth... So in a way I lost faith in "others" (I know everyone is me...) I lost faith in all Egos (including "mine"). I've done my share of volunteering in the past and I've come to know that it's not for me, I get into flow states when I'm teaching someone something I'm pationate about but then again, people don't trust me or my methods... Just because of the jugement they materialize from the energy I give off. So I don't what to love, or why love, even the intuition of fully loving myself selfishly I seem I cannot carry on with. I'm lost because of (lack of) love.
  4. @Breakingthewall I've reached deep states of oneness on large doses of LSD before, and I've had deep non-dual states on meditations with and without psychedelics. I "know" enough that I feel like I can reach radical states of consciousness with the help of 5meo... of course I know that god is in control of it all, so I can't force any experience... Deep down in my ego, I feel a sort of grudge towards god/relality, I've asked so much for it to be reconciled but I don't know why it's still there... Sometimes I feel that the ego can never love god unconditionally, of course god loves the ego unconditionally... I don't want to let go of my ego fully but I still want the "power" that comes from fully losing the ego... if that makes sense, I want to manifest godly/miraculous "things" from the ego with the will of god, such are my deepest "shadow" desires, wants and (percieved) needs.
  5. @vladorion I don't believe in neither IFS or somatic experiencing, I've tried so many healing modalities that I've lost faith in all of them, including things as powerful as IFS, I don't fully get the hang of it, but from what I've learned and tried, it won't help me heal my deepest wounds. As far as single experiences go, I think that a radical state if mainted enough can do it, the only times I've felt everything reconciled at an energetic/somatic level were all on transcended states of consciousness. Radically changing my life, living the lifestyle my shadow wants to manifest can do it (I believe, intuitively) but I can't reach that state because of said wounds, it's a strange loop kind of thing that I can't seem to break to make it happen.
  6. This will be just me describing and explaining from first-hand experience many corelated "themes" that have shaped my ego and personal story. I don't feel like I'll ever fully heal from this wound (unless some sort of miracle happens.. And I can't even fathom what form it would take), but this is valuable insight that came out of it. Human connection, the ability to relate, to bond and form valuable close relationships with people (wheter it's family, friendships or "love") as a skill is shaped very early on by our main care-givers, and this connection ability structure forms its branches by the very experiences that happen to us on a day to day basis, it is like a perfect mirror (reflection) of our environment (family, society, institutions, religion, tradition, culture...). Until we awaken to "personal sovregnity" and begin to shape our own destiny (through basic self development or deep spiritual journeys), we are swayed by whatever staus-quo exists, and our acts of rebelion and individuation only succeed to the extent of our sense of worth (the said "connection ability structure"). This in part, makes the act of relating to peple who have grown up in deeply dysfucntional families almost an unsurmountable task... Because no matter the effort we put in, it feels like somethings in reality are "set in stone", and cannot be manoeuvered around, while knowing it is not truely the case (i.e for "confident" people, stones can be moved easily... naturally) and this creates a deep systemic issue for people who have naturally grown to be unconfident, unassertive with a strong sense of worth and being. No matter the efforts I do, the approaches I do, the connections I try to form with friends... Everything feels "wrong", supericial, and love always feels unfair in the sense that I never receive the amount or depth of love I give... Without mentioning all the rejections that just happen because I don't exhube "naturalness" around women because inside I don't have any good examples of aligned masculine or feminine character traits. There is a lot of entrertwined feelings within this part of my life, it almost goes as deep as depth goes, and it is complex beyond belief... This is what haunts me, this is what had me breakthrough to unconceivable levels of thinking... It may seem like I'm overcomplicating things, or just not doing enough effort, or that I'm not having the right approach or vision to this situation, and it all may be true, but I have tried everything I thought of to no success... Everything in my life fails because of this, I self-sabotage everything I start the moment these thoughts start creeping out, therapy won't help, this goes way beyond the realm of psychology or psychotherapy, reaching ecstatic or non-dual states on psychedelics is the only thing that transcends these feelings and integrates them, but it all seem to remain... no matter how much I try to let go This is true pain, the pain that renders every other feeling null, pain that I can't transmute Pain that caused me to miss my life, barely develop a sense of self, pain that made me transparent to the world for more than half of my life, it just is.
  7. I guess we can't exclude any aspect of life and consider it as existing in a vacuum, that is mainly what systemic thinking is about, holism and integration But if we set the liberal sciences and politics aside, not saying that those are not importent or are in some way detached from any other aspect of reality... I'm just biting on what I have some sort of expertise on Trying to devellop mastery over a technical field (i.e stem..), artistic domain, or just any other type of manual work/craftsmanship will defenetly help you get to tier 2 (and even solidify your psyche in yellow afterwards) The logic behind this is simple, the more experience (practical knowledge) you attain within any field, the more you'll the reverse the donald kruger effect and realize the immensity of what we don't know, and consequently what we don't know we don't know The paradigm this leads to may be imcofrotable at first since you'll feel yourself as being more a beginner than actual beginners, if you push through with this though, you're mind is gonna start to devellop new connections, processes and meta-cognitive behaviours that will get you to a systemic/holistic approach within your chosen field You will get to the point of re-inventing the wheel in that field, not according to pre-determined rules and axioms, but by (more) holistic principles that you'll have derived, and those are gonna be the missing piece of this particular gestalt because they will with time and practice collapse the objective/subjective duality
  8. Truth > proof. At best I can provide you with a counter example about why reality being imaginary cannot be proved nor disproven. In this video, Carl Sagan demonstrates how unless a three dimensional being lifts the 2D flatlanders from flatland, they can never even conceive (let alone prove) the existence of the 3 third "up" axis. Awakening is akin to this thought experiment. Unless you do the practice to awaken to any given facet of ultimate reality, it cannot be percieved through direct experience. It can happen by serindepity for some but that's a big stretch to even consider.. Same goes with god, it cannot be proven, nor disproven, it is completely "transparent" by design (for the ego atleast), and the transparency of god is proportional to the thickness of one's ego. For a more elaborate explanation on matters that fall outside of provability watch Leo's video on the metaphysical implications of Gödel's incompleteness theorem.
  9. The fundamental flaw in descartes cogito is his hidden assumption that thought precedes being... From the ego's point of view, it can be seen as valid, "since I think I must exists" But reality is really more like "I am therefore I can think.. among many other things" For some reason, I'm imagining descartes jaw dropping after having a sunya experience... "if all thought has stopped, why is the I am still here!"
  10. I would encourage you to look into the concept of Akash, the Akashic records and Yogic lore, since many forms of hinduism understood this very concept for millenia. Also think deeply about the godhead, what does it mean, what can it point out to, and what are the implications of oneness concerning the "ego's mind" vs "universal mind".
  11. Never actually looked into the back history of the concept but I was deeply affected by it at some point (as my identifier obviously points out lol). The way I see it, the way I came "into" it, from personal experience before actually getting exposed to the concept was simply through the expansion of consciousness/psyche, thinking deeply about the implications of Einstein's general relativity since I was a teenager, and the "interwovenness" of spacetime made me be less grounded in 3D and led me into conceiving of time as a navigable space, instead of it being an arrow that was constraining me. This is the shift to 4D, it can be seen as simply as long term planning and action, or as the yogis see it, shifting into longer cycles. Now, the "shift to 5D" is similar in the sense that it's a broadning of your possibility/experience space, it's allowing multi-perspectival thought and emotion, and experiencing everything from the paradigm of everything being connected (Oneness) and that it's energy in play, the ego is wants to exprience this energy from the paradigm of being a separate entity (self) but this can shift into just the verb of experience (if that makes senses). There's a primordial (original) mind, the "godhead", and that godhead is both the experiencer and experience from a multidimensional perspective, in fact, god is having all perspectives from an infinity of dimensions... This is the possibility space of mind, and aligning with 5D is just letting one self be imbued with this "other" mind outside of the one "attached" to the body (which is illusory to begin with).
  12. @Holykael I sincerely wanna thank you for writing this post, I'm not gonna pretend that I will (or can) provide any kind of answer or solution within the next lines since I'm struggling with the integration of similar issues but maybe I can hold some space for acknowledgement of what is part of god/truth. First of all, I believe that many people (not only on this forum, but in general) either shy away from some aspects of truth (the darker ones), or are just too afraid/selfish to taste from every piece of the pie (this includes me, there were diffenetly some experiences in my life that I just passed on and said "no thank you" because I didn't see how they would serve me or the greater good). Now, some people are just "born into trouble", some of us came by default with a heavy karma, and were prone to heavier systemic issues that simply surpass the individual. To speak of my own experience, I was born in a shitty third world country with heavy dogma and heavier hypocrisy, the patriarchal side is so skewed it's just a joke, and I was raised by a single mother who had to concern all her life with the survival of her children, and on top of that, all my older brothers who had been around my father for quite sometime before he passed away just turned into shadows with no backbone, completely passive and domesticated once he died. I know this is all me, it's all a story. And I kinda knew it all along, deep inside, intuitively. So naturally, I was the exception, although I had hardly any friends, social popularity, material wealth, success with the opposite sex... I just out worked everything I know (pretty much) since I was 15, I had deep philosophical and spiritual issues solved by the time I was 22, and "I took myself" to reach the highest awakenings mimicking 5-meo by dosing to upwards of 750ug+ of acid on multiple occasions, that's without accounting for the stupid extent to which I took meditation, inquiry and deconstruction.. I'm surprised I didn't just physically vanish. I lost a "soulmate", lost pretty much everyone in my family, my friends mostly don't understand me (although they intuit by my intelligence that I must be into something...), I abandonned many dreams, lost my ego before having it accomplish any of the goals it set for itself, all this to STILL lose even on spiritual grounds at the end (lol), and I received the signs, got the channelings, had all the classical mystical experiences, gone through their integrtion... I wasn't even selfish or impure (relatively speaking to other egos) I had my wounds and traumas, but they were all pretty conscious, and I was constantly working on them. This is still just a narrative I keep entertaining for some reason, and I can see through this. I can also see that (maybe) I'm not ready (willing?) to forgive nor heal, I feel totally depleated of my humanity, and absolutely love sick. What's the answer? where can look to find it? I don't know. I know one thing, is that I'm far from the end (hopefully, if not whatever, the spirit carries on) I know I'm taking this to the very end, once I'm done, my body will drop on its own. I know for all the losses I got WAY more experienced, bolder (if anything) and I can just do way much more than I ever thought possible at the start of my journey, I just need to remove the blockages and I find a way to do it. Awakening didn't solve as many of the things I wished it would automatically do. I don't feel more loving, or more love, if anything I'm more bitter than ever. And it just got me into a situation which is more hairy, but now, I think I have clearer idea for the next god realization (and as scary as it is, because this one annihilates everything) if need be, I know I can (atleast) try and surrender to it, and maybe that would be the one! I know it's just the ebb and flow of energy. These times defenetly feel like mass psychosis, but it's nothing permanent, this (whatever god is going through) is just more potential for more realization.
  13. Another avenue of research that just came back to my mind, although I can't recommend spefic works in these categories since it's been a long since I last explored these is anything which is esoteric in nature, i.e, works on Alchemy, magick, the chakras, akashic records, wicca, clairvoyance and divination... Such works usually deal with the femenine/intuitive side of spirituality, but I would also advise not taking anything you can't directly experience for yourself too seriously, since they may become the source of much dillusion, but they still hold value if one knows where to probe and what to look for.
  14. About 2/3 years I came across a (pirated) pdf containing the complete works (5 different tomes, written in arabic) of Mansur Al-Hallaj who was imo the most realised sufi to have ever lived. There were 2 books in particular (although I can't remember which ones exactly, probably "dîwân" being one of them), that went to a depth that geniunly surprised me, it blows the quran out of the water by a large stretch, and it had many references to non duality, god, god consciousness, states of consciousness being the same from absolute perspective, the godhead, infinite beauty, truth, intelligence... Some passages in "the law of One" clearly get close to Leo's highest teachings. The gems are generally found in the broad topics and not the specific mechanics of how Ra's metaphysical reality operates (that gets quite new-agy and unpure imo). The book of Mirdad by Mikhaïl Naimy, which is very similar in both structure and content to "Thus spoke Zarathustra" would be the layman's practical philosophy/ cogntive framework for someone who wants to do the deepest personal development work without forcibly blasting himself into the absolute. Martin Ball's writing may come really close, but I haven't personally read any of his books, but hearing how he describes things, it wouldn't be much of a stretch to mention his work here. This is being said, no book or conceptual framework/ knowledge can prepare or point you to what Leo is teaching, even the most realized gurus seem to fail to grasp what enlightenment or god realization actually mean, it's ABSOLUTELY INFINITE (in every sense of the expression).
  15. Within the first 4 to 5 minutes of this video, a given (and quite popular) spiritual view is described, which is mainly the one where serving God and serving Ego are diametrically opposite, let's refer to this as the "classical Abrahamic paradigm" or CAP (for the sake of this discussion). CAP was the view held and openly preached, taught and encouraged by many saints and sages through the ages as being the way to God. Now, my personal experience (and also Leo's teaching) both seem to point to a different paradigm, having realized a long time ago that CAP is mainly over-simplistic, dogmatic, incomplete and doesn't account for the nuances of self, shadow, the interplay of duality, spiral dynamics, personal evolution... among many other things. Let's refer to this teaching as the highest teaching or HT. Now, my following questions and inquiries mainly arise from seeing my personal limitations and biases when it comes to understanding, naviguating and ultimately integrating this CAP/HT duality. I can see the pros and cons of both paradigms, mainly that CAP promotes stability, order and "healthy" ego survival while HT's main concern is The Truth. But why is it that The Truth seems to comeback to bite me in the ass (in one form or another) no matter how much deconstruction I've done of CAP and seeing it's limitations firsthand, no matter how much the integrity with which I apply myself with, it's as if I'm not allowed to go beyond CAP outside of my internal reality. In all my non dual states, I experienced one or many aspects of God, but they still came in through the channel of self/ego, so I could never see the distinction between the two. If that's the case, why can't I give myself the experiences I always promise myself in those states outside of those states? and if God is in charge all the way through and the ego is a mere illusion all the way through, then why doesn't god fullfill his promises into my experiences? Material and spiritual are one in the same in the absolute sense, and people cannot just choose to bypass one or the other as they wish it to be, nor do I think (from experience) that it's a good idea to try to force one reality over the other, burning through karma is where it's at when it comes to healing, and I see/experience it as a fundamental facet of true healing. If that's the case, why do I still feel like I need to let go of my material desires ? knowing this desire itself is neither healthy nor conductive to a good experience in the long run. Basically, all my posts in this forum (since the first day I joined) revolve around this issue (with some different flavours). I don't have problems integrating what seems to be deeper and harder truths, but this dichotomy of having an ego, seeing all its wounds, hurts, deep needs yet still failling to allow myself to manifest solutions still baffles me. I feel like on a serious trial to achievement ratio, I fall so low that I deeply feel like God hasn't granted me any grace concerning this. And I know because of that that my ego can never love God/Reality/itself... and it's all getting to an unbearable low. What makes it worse is that I know I relatively quite awake (in the Leo sense of the term) in other aspects. Yet I see myself as a loser when it comes to my human ego/existance.
  16. Orphaned Land - Find yourself, discover god Periphery - Facepalm mute The underachivers - Gold soul theory Earth, wind and fire - Fantasy Angra - Waiting silence N.E.R.D - ESP / Lighting fire magic prayer Disperse - Message from atlantis Jacob collier - With the love in my heart David maxim micic - The flock
  17. So yesterday I did my first trip ever with mushrooms, in the past I've had experience with mainly lsd, helping its integration with mdma and marijuana (which seems to work for me). Something has become clear to me this time, not that I never noticed it on lsd (I've had a couple dozen experiences in the last 5 years) and they all have these themes in common, some of which are still challenging to integrate: Once my ego is mostly out, energetic work comes seamlessly through breath work, fractal energetic yoga, speaking in tongues (that make sense in the moment), and sitting in symmetry. This point in okay. Downloads and obvious yet profound insights come automatically if the underlying work has been done before hand: meditation, shadow work, inquiry, reading and research, deconstruction... This point is okay. Whenever "I" step in, my ego (and everything within it) becomes amplified, this leads to me feeling deeply nostalgic for childhood, the love I recieved from my mother, love I feel for all the people I love, and a deep feeling of being an eternal child (in some cosmic sense). Now I don't know what to make out of this really. On some point it feels like needed past recontextualizations, and a geniune acknoledgement of gratitude, but on the other hand, it feels like its a barrier from me being more present in god mode, atleast for that moment. Which feels like a waste afterwards since some of my trips end up feeling incomplete, or am I just getting ahead of the process? Consciousness turning fully "crazy", like I (my ego) realize how much for anything to work is a miracle, the infinite inherent goodness in everything, and having everything on the verge of being lost, or having it lost (for that moment) makes me like I obviously lack control over the energies at play here and thank god that everything is within "His" control, and not my ego's. Yet I feel like no amount of preparation is enough for that, and paradoxically, the larger the doses, the more god is present, the clearer everything is, which makes the relatively lower doses more challenging to work with (at times). Death. Impermanence being so in your face, and having the anxt and fear stay even after surrender. I know death is gonna be the last state to fully accept and integrate, and I realize I may be not be fully ready for it (yet) although I feel I like I've done it in the past, should I just learn to sit through that feeling? Now, I'll be having atleast one month off until my next trip but I've been wondering if meanwhile I should double down on my consciousness work, and take meditation and yoga more seriously, or just learn to flow and improvise and deal with less "control" overall, or is it something else completely ?
  18. I can't speak for anyone else besides me but I think many people would benefit from Leo adressing issues regarding what it means to be a man, past gender identification, patriachy and social constructions, the essence of the masculine but embodied I guess? I thought I've had patriachy fully deconstructed and re-integrated and that I just needed to embody it through my day to day (which I was struggling to do to a hilarious extent) until I saw some videos from "left-tube" which got the coffin out of the ground just to give the final nail one last time. and it happened efter I rewatched Leo's video on nihilism for the fourth time or something, so everything was more aware and meta this time, which made the process more intuitive and everything clicked! Now, I feel like at last I'm in some what of a neutral position (being aware of the systemic nature of it all) to explore the meaning of masculinity for myself, not for the sole gratification of a wounded ego, but more in accordance with truth, having faith that the healing of ego will happen by itself if the process is carried with. But this leaves anyone in my position facing an unmapped territorry, since all the material that already exists regarding masculinity, manhood... is biased and ego driven, and when other spiritual teachers speak on this matter this keep it very vague, almost as if they are shying from adressing the subject in the first place.
  19. I realize now that through this post I'm mainly trying to get my psychedelic practice checked by more experienced psychonauts. It's like with athletic work, music practice or even research, sometimes we don't realise how inneficient our ways are until we see someone doing things through deeper experience, you realize then that it's not about what they're practicing, but more in the hows, their focus with which exercise, how they go about assessing their effectiveness, conscious integration of intuitive work and flow...
  20. The closest thing to an enlightenment experience being captured in a movie, had me by complete surprise and I couldn't believe how good of an experience I was having watching a movie, haven't had that since TLOTR or something (lol). It showed me how expressive the medium of film can be when done right, and how much there is still to explore.
  21. Good and bad are ultimately constructs, there is such a thing as Good actions that lead to good outcomes and bad actions that lead to bad outcomes, but it's all contextual and relative. Overcompensation (mostly in terms of relationships, dating and achieving things i.e being an overachiever). Following lust and limerence as Absolutes in the service of love while still keeping everything truthful and in integrity. Pursuing power as the will to actually DO things, whether its production, work, personal goals... Becoming narssistic as a means to cut through all the bullshit that gets thrown around, basically keeping my own energies grounded. ... Now, the spiritual pursuits have led to some realizations about all these things, but my embodiment of it all still falls short. Now how does one go about things as directly as I stated above without it being a fabrication through self brainwashing, spirituality is not the answer in my case, neither is "normal life" and just going with it all. And I can't keep lying to myself about me not having these desires or that I wanna let it all go and free myself completely... I ultimately see that kind of of absolute freedom as chains, in a way similar to marriage (forgive the analogy) but I have an issue with that too, like I desire a family but I see myself as someone who hasn't lived through his youth, so the possibility of becoming an eternal teenager is as alluring to me. Sorry if I'm mixing many things at once in what seems a haphazard way, but I'm just letting my subconscious express itself so I and anyone reading can have a better insight into my how my ego functions.
  22. To keep what could be a very long post shorter, I'm gonna abridge through many topics and issues, but I'll try to retain the most relevent pieces hoping anyone reading can piece enough together to get the full picture. So basically, I've been in the same spot in life for the past 2/3 years. And I feel like I'm missing the things that would allow me to break this blockage and further advance in my journey. The issue: I wake up everyday from sleep (if I can get any) with the same intense feelings, knots and thought patterns that shut me up from doing any meaningful productive activity from the get go, no matter what I seem to do to counteract them (meditation, exercice, working on my purpose, getting on with a routine, not doing anything and just loving myself unconditionally allowing myself to be a couch potato...) The deep underlying root cause: What I identified from being and living from this state for quite a while, and for a greater length althrough my life (not being fully conscious of it) is that I can't get myself to love myself fully, and that goes back to me never being loved/confirmed fully externally whether it's from friends, family or past lovers. The point I'm at right now is that I know I need to forgive myself but I can't get myself to do it knowing (at some relative level atleast) that I can't and don't want to live without a certain amount of external love/validation (dual/"illusion"/"unawakened") style. Having thought about it for countless hours, I know that "humaning", "bonding", "relatedness" and "empathy" are all constructions that are best developed "unconsciously" and "naturally", not having had the luxury to do that, I took some decisions early on that set me up for the greatest realizations but at the same time allowed me to side step the issues at hand, but in a counter intuitive fashion, I have a deeper understanding and embodiment of the human qualities I listed compared to most my peers, but still, inside I still feel energetically lacking and incomplete. A metaphor that might help: Most people grow in some form of a limited paradise, then they lose it in time with the heartbreaks of life as they get older. Now, imagine growing up in a environment so broken that you had to derive the simplest things from scartch since childhood constantly struggling, only to have the blows take on a massive proportion as you get older, and as "the stakes got higher". It's easier to have the will to go looking for paradise if you have a latent taste of it and that it can be achieved and secured to some extent. Personally, I can't not doubt things, I can't just be chill about things and not running to the worst in my mind all the time. Energetically and within my body, I could never afford geniuenly feeling secure and at home with things. So, altough I know the absolute goodness of god, I'm more doubtfull than most egos... What absolutely worked so far: There are things which I proactively persued that have given me the most in life, Music: I consider myself a very accomplished musician, and it is my main LP, and I more or less know this for about 10 years now, but being in my energetic state, I could never allow myself to fully follow it completely to fruition without sabotage at some point, or if I'm sure I won't sabotage I can't get myself to gather the resources necessary to produce what I want to produce... Physics/programming: The ying to the artistical yang, don't want to touch it for now though. Psychedelics/Spirituality/Being: multiple facets of awakening; emotional/energetic releases, mystical states, non dual experiences, Love, God, Self, Truth, Structure of being/net of life... Movement: Being in the body, stretching/mobility work, dance/free movement, hatha yoga, fractal energetic yoga/tai chi, calisthenics. Retreats/workshops/seminars/festivals/concerts/adventure. Work: a lot of volunteering/service. Love: Maybe the deepest of all experiences; basically meeting a soulmate/twin flame, having the deepest experience of love, but it being only platonic and never going physical, for reasons that may be too complicated to state in a short fashion. What didn't work: Everything that worked, in the sense that with anything I do, nothing feels to go to a sense of completion, a satisfying resolution that would fill the pieces that feel missing. Taking things peronally: There are basically two themes at play in the general arc of my life. Things I love, what I'm awesome at, my deepest achievements, my personal truth: these are the things I know absolutely, experiences I validated for myself, by myself for my own growth, not necessarily percievable by a "broader audience" (many times hardly by anyone but myself). But this is what kicks my juices, my happiness, my purpose, my flow. Then, there are the not so awesome things, my failures and faillings, things I can't forgive myself or others for, not having succeeded not for lack of skill but because of feelings of unworthiness and self loathing because of that goddamn " I never belonged, my friends don't really love me.. if they did they would've helped me... " and "if she did love me she would've done things differently... she would've freed me instead of adding to the confusion..." The second theme is basically acceptance and forgiveness. The current tangible situation: Due to reality being reality (lol) I'm finding myself at a peculiar situation, I have almost nothing going on for me, and I literally can't summon the energy to do anything about it. I feel entitled towards reality, that somehow I deserve more and better. I'm basically hoping for a geniune miracle, and that things don't just go to shit. Meanwhile I'm feeling about absolutely every feeling I can feel and nothing at the same time. Going meta: Unless I'm missing something blatenly obvious here. As pitty as my issues can seem to appear, I think they are the biggest set of problems one can have, this is basically what's holding god from fully knowing and embodying itself. And deep issues require deep solutions, I'm intuiting there can be two solutions (as far as my short sided ego sight can see): To miraculously find love, no matter what its form, just being graced by love (mind you, not the Eckhart Tolle kind of love, still trying to please the ego here). Or, to radically recontextualize this in a way I can truly believe and act on, and getting myself up by the bootsraps over time. Since only the latter solution is in my direct line of action, how does one go about absolutely shifting his POV. Bonus inquiry: I know some people in my life who just by the sheer belief of them absolutely deserving something, they can go about manifesting it. In the solutions I cited above, these people would naturally go towards the first one, they would "miraculously" manifest whatever their ego desires. I know, I can do the same, but my range of possibility is limited by my beliefs, the question is how would one go about fundametally changing those beliefs in a BEING sense.
  23. I think I'm aiming at a different finality, I always considered myself as living in the extremes, and this applies to "common wisdom" too, trying to release the pain and grief didn't work, as much as I've tried in the past, so I've came to the conclusion that I should simply overcompensate when it comes to my unmet needs instead of going with a more classical form of love, I've been denied intimacy so much that I feel that no amount of love any woman can give is able to heal me, same goes with me healing myself internally, so the more time goes, the more the intuition that Ego is as much Truth, Godly as anything else feels True, so it should honored as such. Basically, I feel that any advice given by any school of thought (be it spiritual, from healing resources, "the dark intellectual web", the manosphere, and ultimately Actualized.org) doesn't apply in my case, in a counter intuitive/reversed fashion. If I go with my deepest truth, I should seek more narcissism, "elevation", ego confidance and self confirmation, JUST so I can feel in a neutral state compared with how I feel and believe people generally are. Humanity has no idea how deep darkness and the shadow goes and can manifest itself, and the causes are all tiny details that compound in a butterfly effect kind of way. And it is because of this lack of knowledge in general when it comes to this that there doesn't exist effective healing modalities, psychedelics aside (and even that has its limits...), so what's left is God, and God is mostly speaking to my ego as my ego in service of the ego, but my ego ultimately feels lacking, weak and limited.
  24. The ultimate hack for self confidance, and the most effictive source of grounding for the ego in my own experience is construct awareness, embodying construct awareness energetically, and having a deep inner knowing of the infinite source which is God and ultimately you can get you through many things, both in dealing with the negatives and allowing the positives to flourish. A theme that goes hand in hand with self confidance is your ultimate alignment, asking the question "Am I moving in the direction of light". WAY harder said than actually embodied, but it is a core pillar of grounding "bigger" energies. In it's ultimate form, complete alignment to god would make you a saint, a person that has interated everything and sees and feels everything as the self in absolute compassion, think Thich Nhat Hanh, the Dalai Lama, Jesus... they are all embodying a greater power, but their "confidance"/Will comes as much from their ultimate devotion to Goodness, God. I deeply believe that this choice is not for everyone and can't be forced (and nothing good can come from forcing it), so it's all about taking responsibility for the good you can provide in the radius you can afford.