5-D - L O V E

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Everything posted by 5-D - L O V E

  1. A good logical definition is the oath we all know "I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth". If we split this statement into the logical expressions it contains we get these three logical statements: Tell Truth; What I'm gonna say IS "true" (whatever that means). the whole truth; which means I'm not hide or ommit any part of the "truth". Nothing but the truth can be seen logically as Only the truth; All the things I'm gonna say are true statements, meaning there aren't any hidden false statements within my phrases. Following this framework you can see that a lot of lies are simply a twisting of the truth according to one of two axes: omission of truth or addage of lies. But if you go meta with this you can see that we only tell/think what is untrue only to ommit a part of reality which is hard to take in as it is or to change to fit a given narrative. So the fallacy is that there is no fallacy and everything is true, it just happens that sometimes that truth get transformed through our minds (consciously or unconsciously) and it cascades into the birth of lies.
  2. In many of my meditations I arrive at the same simple conclusion, that God and Ego are ultimately one in the same, and that all attempts of me purifying my ego (purity according to some third party ideal; "spiritual", philosophical, moral..) are a form of self-deception and that me being as raw and crude as I can be as long as it is honest and conscious would be the fastest way to the embodiment of enlightenment. Any thoughts on this idea?
  3. I think that any person's list of important skills will reflect their life ambitions, it was intellectualy stimulating to think about these as the set of skills I need to reach my life purpose, so thank you for this thread, as for my personal list goes: Wisdom and Disernment. The ability to match intent with action. Mastery (as a meta-discipline). Presence and grounding in the here and now. Reflection, Self Inquiry and Meditation. The ability to love self and other, and ultimately dissolving the distinction between the two and staying with just pure love. Discipline (doing what needs to be done regardless of emotional state). Choice making (and seeing that life is made out of choices whether they are made consciously or unconsciously). Lightness of spirit - Humour - Not taking life too seriously (these stem from a healthy discipline of detachment). Strategic thinking. The ability to visualize, imagine and dream. Survival as an art in itself and not just "merely getting by on a day to day basis". And last and not least, I had to edit my post because I had forgot this one and I think it's of most valuable importance, Story telling. Because what are we doing constantly but telling stories (to ourselves and to the world).
  4. Okay I acknoledge that I'm having a distorted and skewed vision of reality. And that actually my logic and feelings towards this matter are mostly emerging from a place of lack and neediness (in the most general sense) in my ego. I'm starting to understand the amount and quality of shadow work and meditation I need to do to transcend this. But still (I know that the following question still stems from the same initial part of my ego, but I feel like I need to have a deeper understanding of this for my own integration), how worthy is it (from an overall "wellbeing" sense) to chase and go towards ego driven goals ? and why some people seem to do it with way more ease than others ? (or is this later question also a mis-interpretation of events maybe? )
  5. This is a follow up to my last post on this sub forum "Ego is god" and I wanna make it clear that this is just not me playing devil's advocate (literally in this case) but that it stems from a genuine need of getting understanding on this issue, since all my current frameworks seem to be obsolete when dealing with this issue. First thing I feel I should point out is that no one can "guess" any other person's spiritual progress, so anyone reading this post should trust in the data I'm giving as being the most precise representation of truth I can give (or atleast, as I see it from my limited point of view). Now, the issues I'm facing seem to be very simple on a first glance, but the more I dig into them, the fuzzier and more confusing it gets. My spiritual journey started in my teens, and reality has made it so that I can make huge leaps into the nature of God with much more ease than the average person (let's say that's I've been lucky/gifted spiritually), I've realized/derived many facets of God at a young age, which made it that I "bypass" many material desires (mainly regarding sexuality) and disgard that as being of secord or third order importance, first order importance being always given to the big existential questions/quests/truths. I was never consciously repressing that but it wasn't important. In the last few years (with the help of psychedelics and Leo's teachings mainly) I have put my spiritual journey into overdrive, (and this where you have to take me into faith) I've come full circle many times, I've lost the count on how many dark nights I've been through, or how many ego backlashes I've dealt with, or how many facets of Truths I've came to realize (genuinly). But for the last months I seem to be hitting a solid brick wall, a dead end I can't seem to transcend, which is this; I percieve all my past recontextualizations (the very readings that pushed me towards spirituality) as lies (which I know is a lie in of itself) but I can't help but think that my most honest desire right now is to just live from the ego, and to follow my ego's desires/wants/needs and this arose because no matter how progress I seem to make spiritually, the material aspect of life keeps lurking at me, and I feel like I'm heading AWAY from healing, put in other words, my starting motivation that "Love/Truth shall set me free" or that "Truth holds the biggest healing power" doesn't seem to work, I have healed in many ways and I'm overall thankful for my life, but I can't get over simple things, I can't deal with certain regrets and I feel like it is nourishing a tremendous amount of resentment and anger. I don't know what to make of any of this because even though I know that God permits all things equally, it seems to be anti climactic to me, like all this work in one direction to end up tossing it all away and desiring to head in an 180 direction. And I know that it is ultimately a matter of integration, but I don't know how to go about this either because I've never felt free from an ego sense, I've never my agency as being "my agency" (if that makes any sense) and I know where it comes from too, I haven't been given the permission by anyone to follow who I am. And now I feel like I have to destroy all my spiritual beliefs and values and give that permission to myself and that would be my spiritual path. (don't know how much of it makes sense but I've tried my best to articulate myself regarding this).
  6. @Leo Gura The more consciousness work I do, the more light permeates into me, but the more devilish I seem to become with the overall result of me integrating neither in the end. The only logical conclusion I've reached is what I stated above. I know this for fact; as long as one is physically alive, there is an ego present, absolute ego dissolution means death (and both, i.e ego dissolution and death are illusions because the ego is illusory to begin with). I don't know what it means to live from consciousness because I've never done it without being deluded (atleast, this is how I percieve my past experience). I feel like I'm having to do things in reverse, I've never had much of an ego and this made me miss on a lot of experiences in life (grew up WAY too passive due to where and how I was raised..), and I haven't found a way to accept or cope with the regret and resentment, I feel like I've cheated myself, I've had some amazing and mind shattering experiences but still, those don't seem to compensate for the simple (ego based) stuff.
  7. @Forestluv Fair enough.
  8. I genuinely feel that God is actively pushing me to be "anti spiritual", to live a life which is more ego based, I feel that my spiritual journey consists in building an ego instead of dissolving the ego I have more than I did in the past. I choose the phrase "building an ego" over "building a healthy self" consciously because I've used the latter as a means of self deception in the past.
  9. This post may trigger some sort of a heated reactions, but I can only be as transparent as I can be to make myself fully understood. I haven't done much dating in my life, still haven't had sex, the reason being systematic rejection with all the women I tried to be with, whether I was interested in some sort of long term commitment, or just me being direct and making my intentions clear that I was just looking for sex. I find myself attractive and interesting to be with, I've been intimate with a couple of women, found (and lost) my twin flame, I ended up the relationship because it wasn't going anywhere, and it was ultimately counter productive to my actualization. And now, aside from the fact that I feel deeply hurt from the relationships I've been in, I feel that all the women I've tried to be close to ultimately ended up lying to me because they didn't understand their inner psychology themselves. In this sense I feel like I have been cheated, because I've seen some of the women I tried my chances with give themselves to men who were clearly manipulating them and that didn't ultimately have their best interest in mind. And now, this situation has reached the point where I can barely think about anything else, I feel like I don't want to "participate" in life due to all the rejection I've been through. It wouldn't hurt as much if I haven't tried, but I feel like I did WAY much more effort going out of my comfort zone, doing pick up, talking to strangers, and actually having a geniune interest in the people I interact with. But it's always the "nattys" who end up taking the girls home I've always known that I wanted to be with a lot of girls during my lifetime (mainly because I had barely been given physical touch & comfort all through my life, from the time I was a toddeler), and I feel like I fell short in fullfiling that need/desire, and it's hindering every aspect of my life. I feel this deep paradox within me which is this, I know for fact that none of my peers understands deep psychology and women the way I do, yet at the same time, I am failling miserably at fullfiling the needs I so deeply want fullfiled. Now, I didn't go into full length with the details, because that would've made the post way longer than it needs to be, and that's besides the point. I don't have a specific question, I see this as a meta problem, what I need help with is how I can leverage this "problem" to acheive the outcome I want to acheive, I know this is purely ego driven but I've reached my set of conclusions regarding this. No matter the way in which I try to recontextualize this narrative, or just accepting things and disregarding all narratives, nothing seems to work. Are my views/beliefs on the topic fundametally flawed, am I approaching things from the "wrong" angle, am I taking things way too personally? Is it just my ego playing tricks? all of the above ? none ? How can see things clearly regarding intimacy, psychology and sexuality?
  10. This is more of a meta question, and I don't think that any combination of words can "capture" what love is. The first thing you should be aware of is that you are asking about the very container of ALL experience, a short answer can simply be "this", you reading this response is love, me writing these words is love. If you try to fathom the nature of consciousness, experience, you'll find that it's mind boggling to say the least, it's the biggest mystery and it seems impenetrable, unfathomable, ineffable, now whatever the image you hold in your mind of this experience is not the real thing, and if you zoom out a bit you'll realize that you were observing one circle, and that circle was within another circle.. ad infinitum Now, if you can sit with this long enough and see it for yourself, not the idea, not the analogy I gave but the real thing, actuality, you can only ask yourslef why? why did experience "choose" to happen, why does anything exist at all, why all the fuss, all the matter, all the energy, all the thoughts, all the drama, all the sounds, creatures, planets, ideas.. you can only arrive at one answer (and this is what you should find for yourself) Now, you may arrive at the conclusion that existence doesn't just produce "love", and that's right (from your personal POV), Existence, Reality, Truth, God manifests EVERYTHING, absolutely everything, and Absolute Infinity is synonymous with Love, and that is what you can find out through conscioussness work, or not (maybe I'm just regurgitating what I've heard Leo and other spiritual teachers say), This is why you should verify and find out for yourself.
  11. Fragments - Broken Gestalt Karma, please answer me, If I am all, then why do I see this thread only falling on me? I am destined to great things, the greatest of all things, above and beyond. knowing inside how deep my roots stretch into darkness, and how wide my branches above into heaven, there is only one way for me, it is also your way, for we share the path, blinded by our differences, words shielding, corrupting our truest intentions, Meaning, lost, for my meaning is happiness, simplicity, if there was an after life (in which I don't believe yet I know for fact exists..) I know what I would be creating for myself, simple, friendship, love, pure, innocent. In this life, it has always been murky and stained, so why should I believe that things can transfrom to the shape of my vision, if all my visions have fallen short, I am good, but I aspire for completion, the other side, subconsciously manifesting, unmanifesting, these words don't mean a thing, just fragments of a mind that has accepted too much as is, as god, never screamed in the face of pain, never thought of pain as being pain, until it saw that others screamed for far less.. Divine justice, equanimity, Divine, equanimous, I have taken too much darkness in, and now I can't find the light, or is it that I don't wanna find it? pray for me, for I am lost, pray for me for I don't believe in anything, pray for me.. It's crazy how after losing all hope, after all the dark nights, I still can't just do it, I know my potential, I know it too well, but still I'm choosing to be a devil, is it because of the hypocrisy I've been subjected to? growing in a society that swaped good and evil? God grant me grace.
  12. @Chew211 Yes and no. This may seem like me trying to protect my beliefs, but hear me out, the truth is more nuanced than how I made it appear in my original post. For reasons that would take too long to explain here, it was a conscious choice I made to not focus on relationships in my teenage years and early twenties, but I still engaged in relationships, 2 that lasted for a consequent amount of time, so it's not just preconcieved ideas I hold about women, but actual experience, and although I know that I'm trying to force a certain reading of the situation (biased towards making me feel good about myself) the truth is still counter-intuitive, because as far as I know, I've always been as transparent as I can be with the women I've been with. Now, the biggest regret I hold, what is eating at me is me not taking the appropriate response I feel I should've taken (going "polyamourous", openning up sexually) and trying to force whatever relationship I was in to yield the outcome I was after. I feel that I shot myself in the foot and I can't come to grasp with my past decisions. This is the origin of the resentment I hold inside. And I find it difficult now to go past that, to create a new reality where I am winning on my own terms, and where any woman I would be with is winning too. Feelings are my guiding compass when it comes to human relationships in general, and I know now that I need to go through a complete transformation, I know what I want but I don't know how to achieve it, consciously, like having a vision of who I wanna be and actually manifesting that.
  13. @universe Everything you said applies to me actually, it's crazy how I have never seen all of it, any of it for that matter. I think I rate highly regarding all the needs you mentionned, thank you for the insights.
  14. @Roy Assuming you are right about everything you said, and that basically all my insights and readings into my life events are utter bullshit I've made up to keep dysfunctional ego patterns going on and not do any real work to better my situation (this is not me taking things personally btw, so please chill and I'm not saying that I totally agree with you neither..) This stands out particularly to me, the first understanding that comes to my mind is something like this: "I have built up a narrative that basically puts all the blame (relationship wise) into others, so I can always walk out of any relationship related situation guilt free, and that has made it so that I never question my beliefs, maturity or integrity which in the short run always made me feel superior to others and that loop was the very thing my ego kept feeding on all this time. Now I am ready to let go of this belief because it no longer serves me." Okay, I see it now, doing this actually feels relieving. But I don't totally believe in this for some reason.. My past position still feels justified/true for some reason, it's as if the two realities are in a state of superposition. It's dropping one belief for another right ? do I keep overwriting the first belief until it dissolves? is this what you mean by letting go?
  15. I'm aware that the title is broad, but I only started this thread after much reflection and not coming to real answers by myself, so I decided to seek any help I can find, knowing that no one I can reach to physically can help me, be it a therapist, friends, or even through deep meditation and some breakthrough psychedelic journeys (by help, I mean guidance, cues about where and how to look for answers). I'll try to give the maximum amount of detail in the coming phrases. I'm a 27y.o male, living somewhere in Africa, I grew up without a father and in a neglected family situation... never felt loved, appreciated or accepted for who I really am. And that made me turn inwards from a really young age, I was always quite, introspective, and I always saw through things, I came to some pretty deep insights about the nature of reality & God at a relatively young age (around 15 and even before) and that made me "immune" to the religious dogmas that existed around me. So in that sense, my "situation" was the catalyst that forged me. In that sense, I over developed in certain areas (mainly spirituality and artistic expression) but I could never put any of my talents into what I feel would be a real, tangible use, to put lightly, I always felt that I was psychologically fucked up from the get go, and no matter how much I try, I can't transform into who/what I wanna be, who I really am. About a year ago I had two massive LSD journeys in the span of one month, through these experiences I achieved a total non dual state, I was preparing for this (consciously) prior to that for the better part of the 2 years that preceeded those experiences, I knew exactly what I was doing since I saw how all the parts of the [meta-encompassing-system] worked, I HAVE FAITH, COURAGE, LOVE, (not to praise my ego, I have my share of flaws too obviously..) anyway, I feel like I had the answers I was looking for, I had them before, and they keep coming to me, but I can't bridge the infinite nature of consciousness, creation, expansion, with my everyday output, I know that there's no single answer that would act like a magical charm for me, but I feel limited, powerless, resentful and frustrated with my life. I have issues accepting certain parts of who I am, things I've been through, and sometimes I just go into total neglectedness (or self sabotage), like I just hope I would dissolve into nothingness, and I feel that would be the only REAL healing I can have. I lost faith in the ways of life, and I'm confused.. a lot. What I've been dealing with lately (and I don't know if this is a lie I keep telling myself, a game my ego is playing) is the fact that good & evil are seen in the same light through God, and that is making me uneasy to be around (even to myself). The way I see it is that integration of the dark side should be carried on with in the same way that light would be integrated. To avoid being misunderstood, I'm not thinking about commiting any violent acts or criminal activities. But sometimes I react in extreme ways.. And those feel totally justified. I know that many of things I said can be seen as serious psychological red flags, but it's not really, I can find my balance most of the time (by lowering my energies), but whenever I try to channel any sort of big energy to do anything "worthwhile" I crash. I don't believe in the zen way of simplicity either, I know what I want but I can't seem to get it. So my final question is, should I just totally give up? if so how can I do it? I know I am mainly fuelled by fantasies, but the way I see it is that reality permits everything as long one can and knows how to do it. Is this idea false? are we ultimately not free in deciding who we're becoming? Because the more time goes, the more this idea gets stuck in my mind that not only I should be COMPLETELY free to be who I always felt I am, and give my biggest contribution to the world, but that I should find a way to do it on my own terms, and only then shall I find peace, or atleast a semblance of it.. waiting for the real thing. I'm aware of the mash of words I just wrote (sorry for the confusion), it may would've been better to separate these issues into separate threads, but in my head it's really the same thing, all the issues I mentionned are related. In the end I just hope to get any insight I can have about any of the things I mentionned. Any help would be greatly appreciated.
  16. @Nahm I really don't experience it this way, I'm not going towards the re-enacting of those experiences, they just arise. The way I see it is that as long as some part of my past keeps coming up to surface in the present moment, it means that I haven't fully seen, accepted and integrated it in it's entirety. All there is, is this moment, and whatever arises in this moment is whatever should arise in this moment, this is the way I understand experience. I don't try to pick and choose (most of the time), I just let the waves take me wherever they want to. So if reality is pointing something to me, whatever that may be, shouldn't that be taked into consideration?
  17. @Leo Gura Thank you for pointing on the fact that I didn't ask any specific questions. I guess I was still working and untangling things out on my end. Now I see this thing clearly, and I have one specific question if you could help me with it. Not being grounded in reality/material results is just a symptom of a much bigger issue. I can't find forgiveness, I can't forgive certain "things" in my life and move beyond them, I'm very attune to my emotions, and almost daily I wake up with the same set of "themes", these themes involve situations, people and outcomes, and it messes up with my psychology, I can't seem to go beyond these things. I think I can understand forgiveness (on a meta/ intellectual level), and I see how important it is, but I just can't tap into it and feel it be geniunly true, and for that reason I somehow choose consciously to not forgive, and that is making me distant from people, like I feel that everyone is lying to me and to themselves. This distance ends up making me feeling even more alone and detached, and it makes the world feel unrelatable somehow, almost cruel, and all these factors combine and flourish in me in this persona that doesn't want to do anything worthwhile inspite of all the potential I have. I've done The Work by Byron Katie, I've seen the video where you covered forgiveness, I've done countless amounts of journaling, soul searching.. nothing seems to work. I've also tried to use this rage as some sort of fuel, and it works, but only for short bursts of time, it's not maintainable, so my question is, how do I find love back? how can I forgive myself and others and just move on with my life, at the point I'm at, I know that I need a true miracle of sorts, the ultimate grace, and my true nature being God I should be able to pull of that but it never seems to materialize.