This post is critical of a lot of the content in this forum section. That being said I have a deep respect for all of you that have done serious work in this most important realm of human development. I also think that the fact that there is an open minded space to talk about this sort of stuff with no judgement is extremely important and I commend all of you that make this conversation even possible.
Here are a few very general critiques of the spirituality portrayed by this forum;
i) Use of convoluted language and the overindulgence in spiritual narrative and concepts
What is spirituality ultimately? A search for the end of suffering, for ultimate happiness, for truth? Why obscure what is mostly something very simple in all sorts of esoteric idea's and concepts? Aren't all or most of us just searching to quiet the ego-mind and find peace? Why do we have to talk about enlightenment as if we're all playing some sort of spiritual Dragon Ball Z with endless levels of higher attainment? All of that is a pointless obfuscation of the simplistic idea of quieting the ego-mind to live in peaceful presence. The greatest irony of really getting trapped in this is that you can actually become more deluded than the average person not less. Now don't get me wrong, it's a simple idea, but the journey to get there can be a long and arduous process. I don't mean to diminish that reality at all. I only mean to diminish the mental concept that conceives spirituality as some sort of game where we're all increasing our spiritual power level to get to the next awakening.
ii) An overreliance of psychedelics and a lack of recognition of their ability to delude you into oblivion
Use of psychedelics in certain contexts can result in the long run and added level of mental narrative and delusion. If someone preaches Christianity to you while you're tripping you might very well become a Christian, this is a real example that I've seen happen. In a similar vein you can go into a trip with all sorts of spiritual concepts and idea's you can color the narrative of your trip with those idea's, which then reinforces them as narrative and delusion in your sober life. Whether that be masahmadhi, Jana states, telepathy, or any of the other countless spiritual narratives out there. And let me tell you, it is very possible to have a completely convincing experience of telepathy, for example, but ultimately it just be a complete psychological illusion created in the experience. The level to which you can create illusion and narrative while using psychedelics is extremely vast, far more than most people here recognize.
For example, if the narrative of self is an illusion, the narrative of a self that has lived countless past lives and has telepathy is an even greater illusion. Is it not?
This being said, I believe that psychedelics do have their place in this work. But they are absolutely not a replacement for structuring your existence so that you can live a life of presence. Shouldn't you still practice as if psychedelics do not exist?
iii) Lack of simplistic pragmatism, which would be the most effective, useful, and compatible form of spirituality for modern society
What happened to the chop wood carry water approach? Not that all of you don't have some of that in your approach, but I never see any posts where people talk about how they spent 6 months meditating and doing simple honest hard ass work. Mostly I see people talking about sticking DMT up their anus and blasting off, which has its place I suppose. I guess the day to day grind and discipline just isn't as exciting? I think a lot of people would be amazed at the type of person they would become if they could leave their modern comfortable lives, meditate all day every day for part of a year and live in extreme discipline. Or hell, if you don't want to go that far just live a minimalist life style, build relationships based on love, meditate 3 hours daily, and do ice baths for discipline as an example (maybe throw in a psychedelic a couple of times a year if that floats your boat).
I guess you could say I'm a spiritual minimalist because I think that moving in the direction of simplicity is moving in the direction of presence and peace.
Ultimately this is just a singular perspective and I'm certainly not floating above everyone talking down to you from my perch lol. I just thought it was worth sharing and perhaps some interesting conversation could come of it. Feel free to show me where my perspective could be broadened. I welcome counter-perspectives and I hope I get some good ones to contemplate.
A lot of people is looking for an inspiration for their life purpose or career choice, so I have thought we can give them a helping hand. Let's try focusing for 5 minutes and give our best shot at coming up with viable conscious business ideas. I will start:
Conscious management consultant/scholar
Publishing house - focusing on ecology, spirituality, psychedelics and developmental theories.
Eco-farm or permaculture
Collecting used oil
Selling water treatment technologies
Holistic health clinic
Psychedelics retreat center
Organizing Dyads groups
Kriya Yoga studio
I am eager to hear your ideas.
Leo's comment is good advice for you, but I want to say it's not the only way.
"Basically the attitude you want to adopt when flirting with women is that you are the king/boss"
I have done game for many years and used to think similarly, but for anyone on a spiritual path I hope you can get past that. It's possible to come from a deeply peaceful, loving and authentic place and still be polarising and attractive. Personally when my ego starts feeling like "the boss" relating to dating, I typically find it amusing and feel deep love for this part of me, then go back to peace.
Following is a great post for anyone interested in a more healthy and less egoic way (in my opinion) to flirt and date :
One thing I see a lot on this sub is questions about interest : "I want to know is she is interested", "I think she was interested but I couldn't escalate", "How to make that girl interested ?" and so on. I feel like addressing that, and would welcome any feedback or comments.
Interest is mental. It's in your head, it's rational, it's in control. Excitement is in your body, you feel it inside you. It's a powerful force that you can't control. Imagine you're going to see a movie, one you tell yourself "oh I'm really interested to see that movie", and the other one "Oh I'm so excited to see that movie !". Do you feel the difference ? In your opinion, which one will you go for ?
I had a discussion yesterday with one of my LTRs. She was telling me about this guy she had a date with. She told me "It went very well. I want to see him again but I'm afraid he will think there is seduction going on between us". I was surprised, and feeling bad for the poor guy, so I asked "well what makes you want to see him again if you don't want any seduction ?". And she told me he was very interesting, a fascinating person and discussion with him was smooth and intellectually stimulating. She would love to see him again. Obviously I told her he would probably like more than that and any guy I know after a date that went well would not be happy if the girl said "Hey I would love to see you again as friends".
I asked her : "but what's different with me ?" (our relationship is still pretty recent, we had sex on the first date and we connect very well physically). And she said something along the lines of "I don't know. I'm just so excited when I see you. I never know what will happen, and when we see each other I feel like my brain just melts and my body takes the lead".
I feel it's something that happens more and more often to me. I used to be all in my head, trying to show I was smart, funny, nice, interesting. I was focusing on looking good, demonstrate value, making money. And I didn't have nearly as much success as I do now. Now I have girls telling me that they have butterflies in their stomach when they think about me, that I'm always in their head. I just had a girl texting me three weeks after having sex telling me it was so profound that she made changes in her life and solved some long-lasting issues since then. So they talk about it to their friends, who obviously are very curious and interested when they meet me, and so on... So I never have to make an approach or use online dating, I just have an endless number of people wanting to meet me, interact with me, and eventually get into sensuality or sexuality with me, if excitement is there.
So, how to generate excitement ?
I think excitement goes in three steps :
Connecting to your body
Building a safe environment
Being in the flow
Step 1 : connecting to your body.
First paradox, you can't generate excitement if you're looking for excitement. Why ? Because "looking for something" is already being in your head. Right now, reading that text, picturing how it would fit in your life, what plans you can do about it, it's all in your head. You're probably asking yourself "is this worth it to read that wall of text ?", "Is this guy bullshitting or is it really an effective method ?". It's all mental.
What you need to look for is connecting to yourself. It's being inside yourself. Not only when you're with that girl, but all the time. Just noticing what goes inside you, without trying to change anything. When you have an emotion, observe how you feel. Don't rationalise, don't avoid it, just stay with it.
Go for yoga, meditation, massages, anything that gets you a connection to your body and sensations. Hug deeply the people you meet, friends and family. Get used to eye contact, be at peace with your body and your nakedness (yes, by that I mean being naked in front of people). Dance, move, let your body decide what is right for it. Danse in the streets, take care of your posture, take time to close your eyes and feel your breathing. Observe the little things around you like the wind in the trees, like children having fun.
When you're with a girl you like, shortcut your thoughts into your body. If you hear a voice telling you "oh my god, I wonder if she wants me to go for the kiss ?", focus on your breathing and sensations. If you tell yourself "oh shit I don't know what to say, she must be bored right now", just breath and put your consciousness in your body.
You're there right here and right now. You're perfect the way you are at this exact moment. Life is an experience, you can sit inside of you and enjoy, look at the movie that goes in front of you, and be present with any emotion or sensation.
Step 2 : Building a safe environment
You know what is preventing most girls to be in their body during interactions ? A perception of danger. During a first date, most guys will be stuck in their head trying to get laid, while most girls will be stuck in their head trying to protect themselves from getting in a situation they don't want.
Anxiety is the number one excitement-killer. It's the best way to not be in your body and even to dissociate (it's when you get completely disconnected from your body because the sensations are too difficult to handle. It's very important you know this so you can identify it and prevent it in yourself and the person you're with).
Number one safety-builder is consent. Basically the girl should feel at any point that she can decide what she wants and nothing is forced on her. There is no pression, no expectation other than for her to choose what she wants. It's especially true in the first steps of the interaction when there is still a bit of tension. Asking "can I touch your hand ?" instead of touching it directly will reassure her. Maybe she will be surprised, telling you "well of course you can, you don't have to ask !", but deep down she can rest a bit a be a bit more in her body.
Ask for questions that have yes / no answers. Like "do you want us to go to my place ?" and not "Where do you want to go ?". If she hesitates, diffuse the tension "Ok, I feel that's a maybe, so maybe we can take it as a no right now and see if that changes at some point". Just let her know that she can take her time to decide, and that anything that is not an enthusiastic yes is a no. That's what safety is.
Final tip for consent, the "thank you for you no" method. Whenever you hear someone declining your proposition, look at her in the eyes and say from your heart "thank you for your no". Why ? Because saying no is hard. Many girls are afraid to say no to guys because they don't want to hurt their feeling, they don't them to be frustrated, they don't want to argue. By saying that you put value on her being able to say what is right for her and affirming her boundaries. That's also great for you because you don't want anyone to do something with you they don't want to do, right ? I can't overstate how powerful it is and how I have seen some girls completely drop all their mental barriers after hearing that. Of course you have to really mean it, if you ask again 3 minutes later or if you show frustration, it doesn't do any good
Another way to build safety is to have emotional and vulnerable discussion. The question "how do you feel ?" (and NOT "are you okay ?") is your best friend. You can ask it at any moment about anything. Go deep, don't stay on the surface. Learn to be vulnerable. Vulnerability is the most attractive trait in a human being. Scientific experiences have been made that show that we connect through our vulnerabilities (look at "the power of vulnerability" Ted Talk if you haven't already). The more you'll be able to talk about your emotions, your fears, your struggles, your emotional wounds, even your relationship to your parents, the more quickly you will build a deep sense of connection and security. Whatever is shared, especially if that's something emotional, welcome it and don't judge it. Listen attentively, and thank her for being herself in front of you. Most people never hear a thanks for just opening to someone, but that's very courageous. Be willing to show who you are, even the parts you struggle to love, and be open to welcome fully that person.
I need to precise something : you're not trying to please her. If you try to please her and agree with everything she says because you fear she will not like you, you will end up in the "boring zone" (which is the real name of the friend zone, being friends is great, being boring is not). Be honest and don't try to be liked, just try to integrate that person into your world, to make her feel at home in the interaction with you. Like she would with someone she has known for a long time and feel intimate with.
Step 3 : being in the flow
Ok so now you're able to connect to your body at will and are not intruded by self-judging thoughts. The beautiful person in front of you is completely secure and ready to abandon herself to her sensations. So what should you do ?
Nothing. There is nothing that should do. Don't try to impress her, don't try to "demonstrate value", don't try to escalate, and don't try to have sex. Instead, allow yourself to be who you are. What do you feel like doing ? Express what goes trough you. Be vulnerable, be authentic. If you feel awkward, say it, the other person probably feels it too. If you are afraid, share it ! If you want to touch her, ask for it. You want to be with her in a more intimate place ? Propose. You don't have anything to say ? Just contemplate the silence. You feel good ? Just say "I feel good when I'm with you". Smile if you feel like smiling, let spontaneity express itself through you (but don't ask yourself to be spontaneous !), be present and follow your intuition.
Being with the flow means not resisting to anything that life trows at you. She is expressing some negativity ? Don't consider it as a "shit test", it's just the expression of some insecurity. Take care of it. Be caring with everyone, but do not care about anything. Caring about someone is being present for that person, it's being deeply committed to make the experience as truthful and meaningful as possible. Caring about something is taking things personally, it's taking a no as a rejection, it's trying to make the person like you, it's putting expectations on what should happen.
When you're in the flow, you never know what will happen. This is something that I hear all the time "wow, I didn't expect us to have sex / to spend the full day together / to feel something so intense / to have so much fun". Why ? Because I didn't intend for any of those things to happen. I just tried to be present in the moment, listening to my desires and acting on them without expecting anything from the other person. Fulfilment doesn't come from reaching objectives that only generates more objectives. Fulfilment comes from loving the experience no matter what happens and feeling gratitude for being alive right here and right now.
Here are a few words I would advise to get rid of because they all put your power on external forces. You're better off without them :
Shit test : No one is testing you. You're yourself, there is nothing to test about that. Some reactions can generate anxiety inside you, and it's fine. Accept it as any emotion, smile, and stay connected to yourself.
Being rejected : you can't be rejected. You're a complete human being, nobody has the power to reject you. But they can decline your propositions. Start conversations with a closed question : "can I talk to you for a minute ?", "Can I sit with you ?". If you hear a no, just say "thank you for your no" and move on.
Cockblock : You can't be cockblocked if you're in the flow. The situation can change, people can interact, but it's not about you. A few days ago I was about to have a threesome when one of the girls' roommate got in the apartment in tears because of a break-up and we spent the evening giving her emotional support. Was I "cockblocked" ? No, I just adapted, took the change of situation as an opportunity to bring support to someone and made a deeper connection with three people. Use the word "opportunity" instead, it will change your mindset.
Physical type, as in "I'm not her physical type" : There is no physical type. Attraction is not about putting people into boxes. When a girl is attracted to you, she is not having a checklist of things you have and don't have, giving you a grade and then telling herself "hey, that's good enough for me". That's just mental bullshit. Attraction is about what you feel, what goes in your body. No matter how you look, you can still connect with anyone. You can build excitement, you can have a meaningful moment with no expectation.
League, as is "she's out of my league". There is no league. The most attractive guy I know is very average-looking. He's just magnetic, because he loves himself, he connects to his body, he builds the most amazing sense of safety and he is so much in the flow it's like he's synched to the other person. When he listens to you, it's like nobody has ever listened to you before. When he touches you, it's exactly the way you want to be touched. And there is never any pression to go forward or to do anything that is not right for you. The only important thing about appearance is that you love being in that body and you take care of it.
The more you practice being in the present moment, the easier it gets. After a while you'll realise that the girls you find the most attractive are also the ones that you connect with the most intensely. Why ? Because once you're not in your head, you will see beauty as something authentic and personal, not "this girl is pretty because she has nice make-up and good symmetry". You will go for physical features that appeal to you, that make sense to you. And your intuitive mind knows what is right for you.
It was a bit longer than expected, I hope it will help some of you. I can assure you that once you get into that authentic and mindful connection, seduction becomes like a dance. You let your mind go and deeply connect to yourself and the other person. You will see girls having a huge smile whenever they see you, you will have much better sex whenever you want and you will feel love and gratitude in your body and can share that feeling with the world.
I wish you all a wonderful journey.