Thought Art

One of my biggest problems is these types of looping thoughts. I’m contemplating how to transcend them. I try to think consciously affirmation, gratitude etc

I will continue to try to work through this consciously. while tree planting I essentially have nothing to occupy my thoughts because it’s essentially brute hard labour. I noticed three repeating types of thoughts today. 1. Anger and resentment about the marketing course, the loan and the failure. Mixture of guilt, stress, regret, resentment, anger, frustration, revenge, self doubt, triviality. 2. I notice a suicidal thought which, I suspect is a pseudo thought and way of… idk, wanting a magic pill to solve all my problems to make me wise and young again. Silly. 3. Resentment toward a girl I have a crush on. So weird. I think it has to do with my anxious, avoidant attachment style.

I keep wavering on my state. I’m frustrated my earning potential is so low and my debt so high. My life is all fucked all right now. Tree planting is also extremely hard and after taxes it’s not really worth it. But, I’ll be done in about 2 weeks. Probably won’t plant trees again as I see it’s just not worth it as I’m already 27. the fact that I’m getting older increases my suicidal ideation as I realize how much time it takes to achieve things and how valuable youth is. I’m trying to figure it if it’s worth living if I can’t achieve my goals. I want to grow older so I can be more wise and loving. But, the idea of being average, broke, working a slave labour job, never able to be successful makes me want to kill myself. I know that’s not a resourceful place but… isn’t there also just the brute reality what I’m too old to get rich? Or, am I too young to be rich because most people lack the maturity to do so. I don’t know. I really hate planting trees btw. Just doing it for a bit to survive. The social aspect and being outside is healthy. The money isn’t worth it, for me anyway.

I think I experience a lot of fear which leads to bad decisions. I also realize I struggle to love people in my life. I’m needy, moody, and selfish in many ways.

Yeah, my problems relate to a fundamental lack of maturity, work ethic, focus, emotional mastery, discipline, habits, wisdom, forethought, risk management, adversity quotient, a sense of entitlement, wanting things to be easy, impatience, inability to accept aging and letting go of past, etc

I think I may also lack wisdom and integrity as well. I’ve been struggling to love myself because my ideals and who I actually am are very separate.

@hyruga tree planting is piece work and only seasonal. Right now I plant about 2000 trees a day and make about 240 dollars. Some people are very good and make like 400-500 dollars a day. I hate my debt so much and the people who knowingly scammed me. They are monsters. I hate it the course is called “Sell What You Know”

I am aware how things can change because I’ve been through things like this before. But, right now I feel like I’m not in a resourceful state

Is the life I want doesn’t exist, why exist?

200+ 5meodmt trips apparently

200+ 5meodmt trips apparently

@Thought Art I just feel a sense of hopelessness. Like, nothing will work in my life and now I just have to settle for mediocre existence and wage slavery. I’m in a pretty dark place. But, at the same time my emotions are mixed.

@Rigel Good ideas for sure. I’m not sure those options are available. But, perhaps there is a way to do it.

I’ve been in and out of dark thoughts still. Still working through sense of regret and hopelessness. I feel far away from a life I want. I feel lonely and alone. I want more money and relationship in my life. I want things to be different.

I’ve been hanging out with tree planters a lot this summer. Young girls just like young guys. We brainwash ourselves with all this content and get confused.

@r0ckyreed There is a difference between what Oregan did, which was badly planned and executed, and say what Portugal did. This is why systems thinking is important and not just “legalization good” or “legalization bad”

Hmmm

Anyway, I think I’ll make paying off the loan a priority and yes. Take a proactive approach instead of being reactive. It is what it is. I can handle this. I don’t need to act as if I know a what the future holds and that I’m doomed. I got scammed and taken advantage of and yeah, it’s a set back and a shame. But, if I use it wisely it’s an important life lesson so I don’t get scammed again. It May take me some years to become more proactive, and strong and wise. I don’t mean to have a low adversity/ reactive response. But, when I end up in this sort of learned helplessness state… it can take a bit of time to get work through. I’m just being with myself and my pettiness.

Yeah, but what are you gonna do when you are 60+ if not live in the castle you built when you were younger? I want to create something and do something. Not be a slave and retire and then what? Drink my tea and read the paper in my tiny rental, fearing I get renovicted?

The debt really bothers me. I find myself resenting the people who encouraged to take their shit program. 8k is so much time….

@Breakingthewall Why would dying be wrong it happens to everyone? At the absolute there is nothing wrong. Right and wrong are simply relative.

@Princess Arabia Thanks for taking the time to speak with me. I do believe that vision, and thinking constructive thoughts is important. But also I think it was the manifesting stuff that lead to my debt problems. I am increasingly wary of wishful new age thinking. I need a more rational realistic approach now. I don’t know. I am alive right now. What am I gonna do with reality as it is? I can’t go back in time. Skills take a lot of time to experience. Hmm

An enjoyable one. I’ve been bleeding though. Getting scammed out of 8k, and being in debt because of it. Like, with my debt and student loan I’m paying 650 dollars a month. What the fuck! Waste.

I am investing in my Qigong channel. I just need to be patient for go through my ups and downs. When you don’t live life properly naturally you pay with a lot of suffering. It’s just how it’s designed.

Life is simply an investment simulator. I haven’t invested well due to trauma and immaturity. Ive been working as a tree planter. There are guys who have been planting for 5 years and it’s obvious because they plant more than double me and make that much more. Some of them are like 22-23. I’m 27. I hate it. They simply have more hours doing the planting. I don’t wanna live as some loser who is broke. I’m not in a good place right now. Okay, so you’re in debt what do you do? Work more. That’s about it. But if you work more you aren’t investing in building skills, or your business. Then, you’re 40 years old and might as well kill yourself because it’s too late to make something of yourself. Fuck, I totally fucked up. I journal, and work on my mindset. But, also there’s just the harsh reality that I’m a loser. I’m in debt, I don’t have strong skills. No one will pay me to make music or teach Qigong which is all I wanna do. If I died the world wouldn’t care. But, my suffering hopefully would end. I don’t like having these thoughts I just… Look, I’m deeply ambitious by nature. Feeling like I’m a loser, feeling behind is really hard on me. Will I actually kill myself? Unlikely but the thoughts haunt me.I have to admit I’ve been dealing with them for a long time.