Alex K

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Posts posted by Alex K

  1. Posted · Edited by Alex K

    @Leo Gura I'm just a beginner at this work. You always tell that any theory or believe should be dropped. I believe very strongly that I'm - an udentifiable presence a.k.a. awareness - just a special program in my brain and thus all the self inquiry seems a profanity as the answer is "obvious" and my motivation floors. So please elaborate how exactly to drop it? Should I resist it? Or ignore it and just go on "Who am I?"? Or let it be as in do nothing? Or constantly recite that "Leo told us to drop it" or "This is a false idea" like in positive affirmations?

  3. Posted · Edited by Alex K

    I do have rajas. I do have karma. I do need to be a karma yogi before I become a sanyasi.
    How do I know? Because I suffer in work, I suffer in learning, I suffer in leisure, I have 
    active bad habits.

    I do not have a powerful contemplative mind. When I try to be contemplative, I got thoughts and actions which carry me away.

    Act of knowing is awareness. When you are aware yor know. Knower is awareness. Awareness is knowledge.
    Removing ignorance is gaining awareness. Possibility field of forms takes form of knowledge in Maya. 
    Transcending into pure awareness transcends past knowledge - into everything. Actions and objects
    are a form of knowledge. Experience is knowledge too. It's impermanent. How can an action be knowledge?

    Wherever somethin like this happens I should go into meditation. Or music suprisingly or eating )=?.
    Read on dharma. I think programming is just that for now for me.

    I do not want to care anymore, I want to know. I don't want to be an ignorant rajasic-tamasic person because what is the point? If I can be in bliss why should I be desiring? Fuck desires, fuck fears, fuck self judging, fuck doubting each miniscule pleasure.

    Thanks to math, bits of physics, psychology, SC, philosophy, neo teachers and now Advaita Vedanta, I already know the Truth. Everything is this factual math field of possibility a.k.a. physics multiverse a.k.a. information field a.k.a. phylosophy knowledge field a.k.a psychology/Advaita Vedanta awareness field. This is the only thing and our universe is a fold within it with us being complex little subfolds. All the folds but no separate entities. Everything is just one giant arational folded entity. This is a belief or a model but there are no facts which tell this model is not correct thus it must be true (no it must not, you're just creating a pet theory - stop it you dumbass). Everything is connected, anywhere we look there is no separation. Any law of physics ends up in no separation between anything (uncertainty principle means we do not know where and how a force carrying particle starts to communicate with a particle of matter. I just came up with idea that at that point Maya engine reshapes itself and for us inside it just looks like uncertainty in natural world. Ofcourse it's strange if world consists of separate granular quants of everything. But is perfectly logical if this particles interaction is an intricate refolding of single entity during which there are intermediate states of folding which do not carry any precise "natural world" meaning or "show" or "interpretation". Hanging and loading periods of computer does not carry any real meaning for us - we just do not understand what is going on inside, when there is a very intricate process of reshaping the memory going on). All separations are human abstractions. Quant can just be the smallest size of a fold of awareness in Maya. Speed of light can just be the highest speed of falling of this smallest folds dominos of Maya, basically a viscosity of Maya. It is not scientific because it's infallible. Awareness is every possibility so anything we can predict to be impossible can actually be possible in Maya. To make predictions with this we need to restate all principles of physics in terms of this folds - a math model. And evtl. I'm not that good at math.

    Ofcourse Advaita Vedanta would not tell us all this - because it's complex and unneeded when there is a much easier instrument - burning devotional desire to be liberated from suffering. But abscence of such things makes me believe I'm a program in my brain and all this enlightenment is BS. Well, the brain is a program in Maya. And program in it is a program in Maya too. So I'm a program in Maya. What is told is that I have a weak acceess to infinite Awareness outside of Maya and I can get there buy contemplating knowledge and self inquiry on top of cultivating calm - sattva. Moreover, there are tons of people who claim they "self inquiry. Why? Because it seems so stupid as fuck. So so fucking stupid. But I want to get enlightened. It's stupid but very complicated which makes it even more stupid. Why is it stupid and complicated? Because it has like 25 formal steps, 50 pitfalls, you need juiciest parts of your day to waste on it and you need to do it for hundreds of hours with no returns whatsoever. And it sounds legit to lots of people. And it appeals to burning desire and weakness in ourselves. How sick and stupid is that? I'd say crazy sick and stupid!

    Well you don't believe me? You haven't searched for, bought and used illegal drugs? You haven't wasted half a year of income to visit some crazy ashram full of bhati? You can't sit crosslegged motionless for 90 minutes? Well, fuck you, this is not for you, you're piece of shit in my way to greatness. And this is for special open minded evolved people. And you mind your own business, carry on. Die suffering, I have nothing to offer you, I don't know how to help you and I do not care, I have thousand of people who are evolved and open minded and I'll go with them.

    I'm projecting somewhat no doubt, but really, really, REALLY, isn't that a Leos message?

    Nope, I've reread the topic and the answers and I'm really projecting )))))))

    Leo is impartial there, he just pedals the theme we should be working harder than each of us most probably do, nothing like I depict it. There is some hype there as well, but nothing more. Actually some other colleagues pedal some egoistic themes like I've depicted but not Leo.

    So why do I project? Well, out of desperation obviously. I should talk to them more and project less. Should I? Should I say I should anything? I really should not should I? Hehe. 

    Why do I despair? Well for obvious reasons. My meditation practice crumbles, I am just like 15-20 hours into Vedanta satsang after 1.5 months, I'm still into all that victim stuff, I haven't seriously self inquired yet and time is ticking. Tick tock tick tock tick tock. Be patient, cowboy. Why so serious, you know you care less and less and know more and more and that is the real growth isn't it? Enjoy life my boy.

     

  6. Posted · Edited by Alex K

    So I've read a topic from Leo on enlightenment guide and asked a BS question there.

    I'm so fearfull that all the guys out here will get enlightened and will move on with some cool sages stuff on top of full enlightenment.

    And I will try to have 20 min of inquiry here and there twice a week for the rest of my life, moving at a snails pace, constantly doubting myself and creating my own hell out of it. This looks like a victims mentality, I believe I know I'm very weak, and very lazy, doubting my every move, thought and idea, having a lot of in-mind baggage/garbage. I just do not have enough energy to do this work successfully! A list of failures in the past and no victories whatsoever. I'm rather desperate with this.

    How to win over this? What to do to lift this? Lets rewatch Leo vids on victim mentality and try to apply.

    Update:

    So it is my limiting belief and emotion that I am weak and very low on energy. I need to retrospect and meditate on this.

    So I believe currently it is the utmost important thing. Do not forget the 40% rule. I've put this off for too much now, let's dwell into this thing from now on.

  8. Posted · Edited by Alex K

    I think that my real photo could compomise my future job seeking as we see a rise of image recognition technologies.

    Additionally, I do not want people conversing with me projecting anything on me based on my photo - I'm that paranoid.

    So I'll go with anonymous look from now on.

  9. Posted · Edited by Alex K

    Just spilled some uneasiness into random book review post. What is wrong with me? I'm not sure in anyhting. Confusion is a good thing pal. Is it good to be referring to yourself in third person? Why bother, I think everyone does that just in the mind. Why even bother is it ok or not? 

    This pressure may be the result of confusion. So confusion should be accepted just as any other emotion, feeling and thought. What is confusion? Is it a thought or emotion or a feeling? I guess it is an emotion created by contradicting thoughts and unresolved puzzles. So it is Feel in noting wise. Maybe it's worth affirming "I'm aware during confusion"? Well it's just that until last couple months when I've seen this notions of confusion and not knowing being good things from Shinzen, Leo, Ralston, Rali, etc. I've always robotically assumed it was a bad thing and tried to resolve it until my head hurted. Resistance bullshit! Let's make a vow of accepting confusion, lol.  My head starting to hurt again just from thinking about this all. How do people sort these things out??????????????????

    Why do I always pedal my head hurting and me being tired? Is it normal to always have a headache upon thinking about something in a thorough manner? Is it okay to get tired of this? Maybe there is just a resistance in me towards those activities? I made a vow not to do them in my childhood? Should I do Leo's exercies? Should I execute fast? Is it my idea? Am I an orange? lol. 

  11. Posted · Edited by Alex K

    @Lynnel There are no rights in operations down here. And you're correct, I'm angry very angry as I've read free 20 pages of his 600 paged book on amazon and it is 60% scholar level water, 30% pride and 10% of usefullness. Why not writing that 10% as a 60 paged book for 4 bucks? Maybe OP came with just that idea. For that much offtopic I do not think everything is ok with his ego and is it a good sign for a teacher?

    @Dragallur Everyone keeps talking about that thousands of dollars of courses and I just keep being ungrateful little jerk. All those people are just rip offs, don't tell me that I should fall for them if Ralston where not here. Much rather went to free of charge vipassanas each quarter in that case for example. And there are lots of great free psychoterapists books to learn basic Vows breaking.

    Why so angry pal? Why do you hate all this being so hard? Why shouldn't it be hard? Why should you be so angry if it is so hard? It is what it is - people have egos which prohibit them from swiftly and easily teaching of stuff they've learnt for themselves. World is not perfect. Why gett angry at this guys for having culture opinion? Why marking them as having cultural opinion? Why going offtopic on the book review thread? Why fearing being rejected by going offtopic on the book review thread on a self development forum with high conscious individuals? Why thinking this facts entitle you to anything at all? Why fear rejection so much? Why pal?

  13. Posted

    Karma yoga - action without expectation. 
    Bhakti yoga - surrender to reality as it is - exercise for every second especially for bad moments and mindfullness.
    Raja yoga - meditation and asans and nidra and neti neti and inquiry.
    Jnana yoga - knowledge and concepts from enlightened people / advaita vedanta.

  14. Posted · Edited by Alex K

    All what it took was a relapse of my gout illness and all happened as usual. No meditation, no exercises, sugary foods. This such a bitter pill to swallow. I've been meditating consistently for half a year and still I'm a sucker for taking any chance not to do it at all. On the other hand, I do not suffer about it almost at all so it works like a charm =)) In the past I would be depressed over it, beating myself up for hours and days, maybe even crying at a realisation that I'm a big loser. And now I'm just mildly irritated. Let's concentrate on getting back on track.

  15. Posted · Edited by Alex K

    All this thing about saging and zen devils and scores of pages of dispute on enlightened here. All this is very hard. I dont have energy or focus for this. What to do? I guess my genetics limit my energy to a bare minimum.

    Lets try to read a book, I dont remember last time I ve read a book.

    I cant take anything serious bevause I do not have energy at all.

  16. Posted · Edited by Alex K

    I'm skipping SDSes in the evenings a lot, so my idea is to make only half of the length of the evening sit mandatory. The main thing is established regime and this is for it. Length is 41 minutes. So it has been +10 seconds every day on the average since 25th november. Going at this pace could be an hour in 4 month, but ofcourse reality is not in a thought) I honestly only intuit that I'm more concious now than I was a month ago. At least motivation and inspiration and energy and thus clouded judgement subsided and I can judge more clearly what practice does for me. My plan with pomodorro meditations at work failed and I have an idea to restart it with less perfectionistic approach. I'll set up timer to be 55 minutes work and 1.5 minutes meditation instead of 45-15. And I want to gradually increase towards 5 minutes. Probably I will do this in new year already as I have last week of december and till 9th jan off.

    During vacation I plan to practice much more, sitting on the couch. Studying Vedanta vids as well, some yoga would be great. Last time I figured yoga was too much to bear for my mind, maybe SDS pain helped me? I havent been doing much except from them, positive affirmations, Leo vids, breathing exercises lately because Im always feeling tired from work and life in general.

    I want to establish some full hearted mindfullness practice but have yet to do so.

    I have a problem of hatred towards my closest boss as he joined later than me and became manager, being less smart than me. I dont like to be commanded by people I deem less smart than me. And it is jealosy and feelings of unfairness. But I think the root cause is the fear of loosing in the game of survival of the fittest. Like if our team should be cut in half thanks to budget shrinking, he will be safe, other couple of great engineers would be safe. But I will be let go. So I want to get to the bottom of this complex because it brings me some suffering and some unproductive automatic behaviours like passive aggression. Today after thinking about it I figured this is a good material for trigger practice of Shinzen better watch a vid on it.

  17. Posted · Edited by Alex K

    Had a 5 min vegetative-vascular dystonia case during SDS. Was hard to breath, heart started to hurt, each inhale had bloody scent to it, had lightheadedness. Intuited to massage heart with left hand for a little bit, helped. Lets see where would it go from here. Hope it will dissipate with time.

  19. Posted · Edited by Alex K

    I hope it is a start, I'm doing SDS with do nothing for 37 minutes twice a day around sleep, sitting crosslegged on a yoga matt on hard laminated floor. Every time I'm successful, I add 10 seconds. So if each second time is fine, it's 5 minutes per month gradual increase. I have small tolerance to pain, even 3-5 minutes into medium leg pain my subconcious tries to brute force me out of SDS each 5-30 seconds. It's only been like 10 SDSes so far, lets see the progress.

    On the body side I think it's becoming nice for the body to sit upright for 40 minutes and legs unnumb and unhurt just in 20-30 seconds after SDS is finished.

    I fear that I do nothing wrong) Most of the time I daydream w/o any awareness, like 10-30% I am aware of thoughts and emotions and feelings and sounds. Rarely do I become aware that I try to manipulate my experience and it becomes let go. Becoming aware is like contracting a muscle and during do nothing it is prohibited, so I better not do it, let everything be as in during analysis too.

    My evenings are a mess - I watch shows, overeat, play videogames, fap - all this should be bathed by awareness in the end.

    I started exercise to just be aware while I'm walking and mindfullness bits while I'm on the train.

     

  21. Posted

    1 hour ago, Leo Gura said:

    or mindfulness meditation

    Thanks Leo, I get your position, my current understanding is k.y. would remove garbage from mind and thus help in self inqury strength. 

    If you could elaborate why do you think mindfullness is a direct way to enlightenment, from your vids I never got that idea.

    @NTOgen I think you are right, that is precisely why I've asked how to perform K.Y. here in high conscious and no-BS forum - because doing it right can help satya to represent itself in my general vicinity.

  23. Posted · Edited by Alex K

    6 hours ago, Bob84 said:

    If so, homeostasis is a b*tch isn't it 9_9

    She sure is Bob, she sure is.

    Intellectual inquiry is well, but I haven't mediated yesterday and still haven't done it today. And I'm meditating for like an hour a day in total almost for half year! Through each crack in my lifestyle homeostatis and ego - this two best buds - just come in and thrash my comfortable little bubble fantasy world of self growth, what a MF-ers!

  24. Posted · Edited by Alex K

    Hello All,

    I've watched some vids on karma and karma yoga including Leo vid on karma, I beg my pardon in case this is duplicate discussion.

    So I gather there is stored stuff in your mind - a.k.a. ego stuff - a.k.a karma stuff - a.k.a. desires - a.k.a. likes and dislikes. 

    Then when you are about to act somehow or even think about something, all this stored stuff presses and changes the output producing selfish action. As you are unaware, usual human, this leads to a little more karma being stored in your mind so it propagates and reinforces itself and leads to you personal hell on earth in your mind and prevents enlightenment.

    Now when your are very aware and mindfull, you pause execution and observe this poisonous karmas trying to pressure you. So now just like in "how to deal with strong negative emotions vid" or just like in "do nothing", you just do not react and do not resist, let those karma things be. And then after some time they diminish enough or dissapear or hide for a while and you proceed with your action and it comes out as a selfless action and you're a bit purified.

    My question is this understanding of mine about karma yoga correct and this is the way to practice during your day to supplement formal meditation and self inquiry, or do I misunderstand smth?

    Thanks a bunch!