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About aaalex

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  1. Funny thing is that he already has that book (like you suspected) and have read about 50 pages, however we do not have access to the book since it's home in our home country. But I will check out the possibility of finding the book online! I will also check out David Deida, I've actually searched for some great sources of sex/relationships connected to spirituality so thanks a bunch!! Our connection is getting better in bed, connection overall has always been deep and we do truly care and love each other. I totally agree about not putting pressure on performance, it just feels silly even thinking about it and the only one putting pressure is him on himself. He've had issues with performance anxiety since he was a kid and he says it is mainly connected to that except that it's extremly sensitive physically, which makes it go into an evil spiral. It will take some time as he's healing that part consciously! We've done some tantra in the past, I don't know if that's the same as semen retention but I remember that he got more horny, and after not coming for a while it felt like he was going to explode as soon as we had sex. I know that I read that it was going to feel easier after 21 days, we usually never got to that point. If it is the same thing then we will try again but if not, any great source of more information? Have you practiced semen retention yourself?
  2. Hi everyone! I’m just going to get straight to the point. I also just want to mention that I would love some input specially from men who’s woken the Kundalini since me and my boyfriend has but is of course not a must. Long story short: me and my boyfriend have been going really deep into self development since this winter, he woke his Kundalini last year in spring and I woke mine last year in august. It’s been a sick journey for both of us and of course together as well, we’ve been put through some really tough challenges these last couple of months and we are finally getting back on track from a long period of confusion. Not going to go into so many details for now but the both of us have been really confused about consciousness, duality, non-duality, the human species, purpose, reaching deep levels of awareness being aware of awareness etc. It kind of put us in a tough position being able to connect on a physical level which started to effect other levels connections in the end. It was just to alien sometimes, especially for him. The major thing that was getting in the way was (and still is) my boyfriend “inability” to have sex for a longer period of time. To describe it better, the sensitivity in my man’s down area is so high that he’s having trouble lasting during sex. It made him avoid having sex in the beginning but we are slowly getting there. This has not been a issue before, we’ve been able to have sex for at least an hour or even several hours but now it can last from 2-3 minutes to 20 minutes maximum (foreplay included). It’s getting better since he could only last 5 minutes maximum (also foreplay included) in the beginning when all of this started. He says that since he was able to move his energy all the way up to his head (the crown chakra) this began but not also just the sex, he feels an increased sensitivity in all of his areas in life, psychically and mentally. He described it once as feeling like having sex again for the first time due to how it feels, which I notice makes him feel insecure and what to do in bed. I just want to help him feel like the sexy beast he is, but he comes even more quickly when I take things in charge for example. My question for you conscious men, have your sex life changed since starting doing conscious work and self development? Have you had similar experiences? Any tips/ideas of what he/me/we can do? I don’t know if this is crucial information but around the top area of the penis (the glanse area) is where the sensitivity has increased at most for him. Thanks in advance!
  3. I have not read your whole journal yet but a lot of things you are writing resonates with me so fucking much. I also am a woman who loves sex (cock lol) so much to a point that it used to scare me in the past. I've struggled with orgasms with other guys my entire life and find it hard having one with them, as I've reached most of them only with myself. I didn't even know you could have different kinds of orgasms (exepct tantra-orgasm) and your journal gave some great insights about which kind of orgasms I've experienced. It's the first time I come across energy orgasms (I get the sense that they are different from tantra?) and explains alot why my orgasms with guys feels different from the orgasms I give myself. You also gave me some great ideas for working with energies through sex! I also did not know about the BJ version of 'open your throat' and explains why I get an intense pleasure of sucking dick and always have. It was unexplainable until now haha! Please continue with your awesomeness and good luck on your path of becoming more open with your sexuality! I hope you don't mind me giving insights and inputs from now on as this is so refreshing and inspiring to read. I also contemplated this reply alot and I feel that your journal helped me with expressing my sexuality aswell, so cudos for us talking about it in public!
  4. This is so beautiful written. You are bringing up such an important topic here, which unfortunately I don't find so much about on this forum. I really enjoyed reading this. There's something about a true committment between two souls that fascinates me in the human experience. When two souls are fully committed to letting go of each other with each other, a great teacher in the two of them for each other occures. It creates space for both parts to fully meet themselfes and to grow indivdually, not just the relationship itself. This is what I've experienced in my relationship with my partner and it has taken our love to the depths and made our bond and understanding for each other so strong. It is such a beautiful process that my eyes gets all teared up just thinking about it. There's alot of talking about growing from ending relationships but little of thriving relationships. It's very courageous to commit to this kind of relationship and I recommend it to anyone mature enough who meets someone worth committing to, if one is willing to practice letting go seriously. It's a very interesting and beautiful experience we humans get the chance to experience and can be very transcendental. Thanks for sharing your perspective on this topic.
  5. Surrender to the experiences and let go of all thoughts of how you thought it should be. Letting go of what we believe enlightenment are, or what anything or anyone are, is very important.
  6. There’s something about his teachings, so delicately, that feels so soothing to the soul. I found self inquiry really powerful during one of my Dark Nights of The Soul. I realised that getting too caught up in my character and Self is the cause of those nights, instead of just observing everything for as it is. Letting everything pass through you, feeling it, owning it, just not getting attached so you’ll eventually be able to let go. These experiences can hurt but it’s a part of the process. You have to fully trust the process like it’s the last leap of your faith. Maybe it does not make sense at the moment but it will eventually. This will help the process and take you closer to love.
  7. It wasn’t about that I wouldn’t love him if he would awaken. I did read some of your answers in another thread about soulmates which made me reflect, ALOT. We’ve never experienced anything like this before, so both of us created some kind of resistance to what happened. Surrendering to love changed everything for both of us. I somehow forgot for a split second in my backlash that I have chosen this. I appreciate you calling me out on that, that was very healthy for me to hear. We have done some tantric practices / sex before but never tantra yoga. Will look into it. Love.
  8. Sometimes we create an idea of someone / something in our head and confuse ourselfs (been there done that). I like your honesty about it! Interesting observation! I used to be depressed the majority of my life and can see how manipulating can go hand in hand with depression. I was so consumed of my own misery which made me create bad and toxic behavioural patterns. I remember behaving nasty in situations and using my depression to my advantage which made it easier for people around me to put up with my shit. It all depends on how willing you are to be completely 100% honest with yourself. Spiritually helped me with this even if it was a painful truth to discover about myself. Or you’ll continue to be in denial because the truth can be extremely painful for some people. It’s very likely you’ll stay in that state if you also take medication (my own observation). May she find peace and realises she is the only one responsible for her own happiness! 1+ to you for staying true to yourself!
  9. You have to make a decision if you want to interfere with her and her progress. If she’s on medication for depression means that she probably has a quite unstable psychology. Of course there are some things you can do to make the communication easier between the two of you but don’t expect anything from a person who suffers from depression. If she struggles with trusting people she will likely be super defensive if you try to confront or talk to her about anything related to why she’s depressed. What I’ve experienced with people on medication for depression is that there’s a lot of self denial and suppression. That’s one of the reasons they even take medication in the first place.
  10. I understand that I am probably looking at this from an ego backlash point of view. I’m just really trying to grasp this and look at what is hurting in me. This is one of the most challenged situations I’ve had in life. I do seek Divine Love. But what to do if he does not see me more as before? More like a sister than a lover? How could intimacy then even happened? I’m not just talking sexual. I somewhere understand that love is all there is and to not make a separation but just by observing how he behaves around me, I see that there is nothing more than a genuine love towards another human being. It feels like we’ve never been in a loving relationship from the first place. He described it as he is dying. There is no Self. Everything connected to his former Self is gone. Both me and him have had a mourning process about our relationship these last couple of days. Maybe I am in denial and don’t want to accept that my feelings for him is based in my identification I took when I was born. It just does not feel like that genuinely atm. The more layers I’ve striped from myself the more intense my feelings have gotten. Maybe this is one of the biggest Let Go lessons I need to have to really be able to do so properly. If so, it’s quite brilliant from a bigger point of view.
  11. Hello everyone. I’ve been trying to find anything similiar to this on this forum but couldn’t find much. I'm hoping someone could share som insights on this matter or maybe even have had an experience similiar like this. The original text was unnecessarily long so I tried shortened it. During this one and a half year I met this incredible guy. From the first moment we met we created an instant connection. I’ve never experienced true understanding and unconditional love in a union. Time went on and since we live in separate cities many hours apart we became friends at first. Talked every single day and getting to know each other without any expectations. Grew with each other, both making tremendous positive changes individually. He woke his kundalini after a couple of months of contact and this was the first glimpse of what unconditional love felt like. I knew that I liked him more as a friend (we were still friends at this point) but also realised that he was going through things at that time and didn’t want to “stay” in the way of his progress. I constantly knew in the back of my head, that he’s a person who've worked alot on his attachments and made me realise that I want to work on myself. Not for the sake of him or the relationship but for my own sake. Time continued moving forward, knowing each other for almost a year, growing more and more individually. Left the country for some months to search for inner truth, still having contact with him. I was afraid at first to be honest about how I felt, as I knew from the beginning that this was an individual I want to be a part of my life regardless if I’m in a loving relationship with him or not. I had a profound insight when I was travelling, that life is too beautiful to not speak out your inner truth and decided to confess my feelings next time I was going to see him. Everything was flowing so naturally when we saw each other , zero confession needed as his feelings was mutual. Never was there any pressure from both of us to try to manipulate the relationship into our own favour or desires. Just happy and extremely grateful with having each other in our lives. We began exploring the depths of true love with each other. Pursuing truth at all costs. We've had conversations where we've said that we have to let go of each other eventually in the end too (not breaking up but you get my point). No bullshit. Then, I also woke my kundalini 3-4 months ago. I had no intention doing it but it happened. It turned everything I knew upside down. I've been doing spiritual work for 4 years but that felt like nothing compared to this. Kundalini feels like a spiritual boot in the ass that won’t stop kicking you towards what you are destined to. Even if you try laying down and refuse, it will continue kicking you until you get up (if you don't literally take your own life). It’s all pure love. It’s like you really have a choice, like a door that never can be sealed. Only thing you get to choose is how hard and painful it will be. Surrender and face all of your inner pain which can be really painful if you have experience of a shattered life like me, growing up in alot of mental, physical and sexual abuse. I am aware that my past is not my present, that I'm God having a human experience. I'm in a process where I observe how these survival and defense mechanisms have shaped a Self, a pattern of how I have experienced and percieved reality until now (and still do in some areas). I'm working alot of healing my three lower chakras and starting to feel how my heart chakra is beginning to work its magic towards the root, sacral and solar. This is very much needed to let the energy rise. So, almost a week ago a shift happened. He described it as feeling his kundalini rising almost all the way up to his crown chakra. I've felt some kind of a wall from him energetically. I've brought it up with him since we have good communication skills. Both of us are higly sensitive people who feels energies very easily, so we can't really hide anything from each other even if we wanted to. He describes this as his love towards everything - even me - has changed. That the love which is immersing him right now is so genuine and divine, like a motherly love. No seperation from anything. He says that he wants to be with me, to grow more with each other and to be free. It's just not a physical attraction anymore or having a need to be with me like lovers do. He says that he loves me so much but it's more like genuine love now and that he's unsure if he sees me just as a friend. I asked him if he's not in love with me anymore and if he sees my as his sister and I get the answer that he sees everything as a sister/brother/whatever you want to call it. It's nothing personal which I understand. I can feel genuine love swirling in him and around him and this was even one of the qualities that made me fall in love with him. He's the most genuine person I have ever met. I cannot help to feel shattered. Knowing that our love we once shared is not the same anymore. I'm so happy for him pursuing his inner truth to become Divine Love - like we've talked about so many times - but none of us was prepered for this. My ego demonizes my feelings for him and try to make me feel selfish for feeling pain in this. It feels like we've broken up, even though the option to be with each other is still there if I want to. I innerly want to but I can't deny my feelings. It feels like me being in love with him prevents us from being together. The deeper the rabbit hole goes, the realer my feelings have become. I realize from this that there is some work with attachments going on but I genuinely don't feel that my feelings grew from my ego in the beginning. I don't know how to explain this better than I'm already doing. And because of my genuine love for him I am willing to understand that I maybe have to let him go for the sake of myself - and also so he can be free. How can I let him become free if I linger towards something that is just not there anymore? Is there anyone out there who have experienced anything like this? I'm so confused with that I am feeling, I feel devestaded while feeling this deep and unconditional love towards him. There's nothing I'd do to stand in the way of his path, even if it would result me not being with him. Even though he says he do want me there, to walk next to each other in this absurd but beautiful reality. Just not like we did before. I feel that I have come from a place of nediness these past 24 hours, not being able to accept this for what it is right now. Everything is still so fresh and he needs time to reflect which I understand after thousands of questions of trying to understand. My ego is playing all of our memories ever shared in front of me, making me feel like something or someone has died. Knowing I will never feel him on that intimate level again (not just sexually, you can be intimate with someone without sex). But at the same time so fucking grateful for every little moment and presentness we've ever shared. I constantly ask myself "Why does this hurt so much despite my love for him?" I've only had glimpses of this divine love several times but I won't feed any self deception with saying that I do understand fully because I don't. That however don't mean I never will someday. Am I creating a problem that actually does not exist due to where I am with my spiritual work? Am I being selfish with my feelings?