flume

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Posts posted by flume

  1. Posted

    My approach to spirituality has changed drastically the past months.

    Having discovered a more loving path for myself, it feels like I’m having an allergic reaction to concepts like: No-Self, jailbreak your mind, your ego is tricking you, disassociate from your thoughts, observing and micromanaging yourself all day… It really hurts me how people are picking themselves apart on the forum sometimes and endlessly judging themselves for having an ego.

    It’s like saying: “Here’s a million things you do wrong everyday and hence why God is over there and you need to be super obsessive with your spiritual techniques to get there and until then you’re less than.” Like the all loving God set up some game and you have to fight yourself to get to God and then he’s gonna be pleased with you. Matt Kahn made a really good point once about not projecting parental qualities onto the universe/God. I think that’s a super crucial thing to think about. It’s the eternal problem of getting into spirituality before taking proper care of your life circumstances and issues. 

    I mean… How loving is it to call yourself an idiot? It always strikes me as really odd when people preach love as the highest truth and go on intellectual debates about what love is and what it isn’t. Paralysed, whipping themselves into shape, feeling uptight and disassociated instead of turning love into a practice. I’m baffled, and at the same time I’m not. I’ve done it myself. Everything just shifted so radically that that approach seems like a different lifetime by now.

    So my daily practise now is literally: I lay down, greet every sensation, thought and emotion with love and ask how it’s here to help me.  I respect what my mind tells me instead of insisting it to calm down. I love my mind, and I found out how helpful it is. Working for my benefit all day, and in turn I give it times of openness and relaxation. I just don’t overstimulate it. And if it’s calm, I meditate :-) Trying to keep up a special posture, state of mind or practise is far from my reality all of a sudden.

    One truth I’ve always felt very deeply is: The only thing that matters about your insights is how much you demonstrate what you’ve learned in your life.

    I’m lashing out a bit because I can’t believe I didn’t know how to love myself all this time. I had a good break down cry after finding out that after all of this “work on myself”, I still treated myself like my parents did: Only deserving of love when performing right, only feeling good about myself  when I’m following a certain schedule. 

    And if you think Matt Kahn brainwashed me, you’re right ;-) But at least, I’m starting to really feel confident in myself for the first time. Or rather: The confidence I always carried inside is bold enough to spill into every domain of life. I’m more capable of really caring for others, having stable energy and resources to do the things I love, and bringing love into my creative work and relationships. There are still difficult days, but more and more, love is carrying me through.

    Some part of me is still going crazy about letting go of my insane dedication and daily schedule. 

    “You’re gonna loose all your progress and turn into an unconscious blob if you don’t keep up the practices!”

    The other day I asked that thought what it wants from me and why it’s here. It answered, it just wants me to recognise how far this kind of thinking has gotten me. It’s really made me pull through on some pretty amazing stuff and made me build a life wherein I can relax now. It’s not true that this kind of rigorous meditation and scheduling didn’t do anything for me. It not right of me to dismiss all of that. So I won’t. Thank you. I could only get here by going through all of that. I can only trust myself like this because of the work I’ve done before, because my life is super calm and I mainly do and crave things that are healthy for me. This time was really necessary, and now it’s time to move on. :-)

    My path has led me to follow love now, and love, I found out, is what feels good in the body. This is what it is now, and tomorrow my perspective is probably different. And that’s ok. I’m here for the change :-)

    “There’s nothing wrong with spiritual techniques, but nothing can do what love can do.” Matt Kahn

  5. Posted

    On 10/21/2020 at 1:43 PM, Shiva99 said:

    I'm exercising on a regular basis, i'm meditating an hour every morning. At this point i left almost all my addictions behind me

    Sounds more like a good direction than a bad one.

    On 10/21/2020 at 1:43 PM, Shiva99 said:

    The biggest problem is that my self confidence is very low, and i'm basically self doubting all the time.

    Maybe you just need to give yourself some time in those new habits before expecting them to resolve one of the core struggles of human experience. That's why we're given 90 years.

    On 10/21/2020 at 1:43 PM, Shiva99 said:

    As soon as i enter my work environment there is this cloud above me that is induced by fear. I become another person that is scared to show, and do what comes to mind. Because of this i act akward, make stupid mistakes and colleagues start to think that i can't do anything right. My boss tells me he doesn't know what to think of me etc. 

    Now that is a domain by itself and no amount of meditation or exercise will resolve that kind of unworthiness out of you. You'll have to return to that wounded part of your child-self one day; how you do, and when is up to you. Maybe therapy can help, psychedelics, working with a teacher one on one. You can't escape this or suppress it with other techniques, it's the very mission life trusted you with. So it's not "in the way", you're just getting to know the subject ;) 

  9. Posted

    19 hours ago, Rigel said:

    I actually can't find the boundary between my ego's righteousness and other egos reaction of what I say. 

    Now that is an interesting thing to contemplate;)

    19 hours ago, Rigel said:

    How do I differentiate between my own self righteousness and arrogance from collective ego backlash?

    Just don't. It causes you to either turn against yourself or the world; so it turns sour either way. It's a loose-loose situation, so that makes the question  irrelevant.

    When people are struggling in your presence, they show you how they're trying to get a grip on their own view of the world. They just found life with as many question marks as you did. Don't rob people of their journey by insulting their intelligence. Its like you said here:

    6 hours ago, Rigel said:

    I often assume that it's no big deal when two people don't believe the same stuff.

    If they're struggling in your presence, they don't need your insights, they need your support.

    Focus on love in action and the question disappears.

    And if you find yourself struggling with that idea or being unable to implement it because you're still preoccupied with who's fault it is... Now that means that you don't need any more insights, just support^_^

  17. Posted

    @Fran11 Awesome! 

    As a bonus I’d say: 

    Once you’ve picked the energies apart, reunite them again.

    Learn to integrate the two of them in one situation or action in your life. The other day I applied this by standing in an argument grounded, strong, receptive, fluid and decisive… All at the same time :-) It’s a fun practice!

    If you can identify both but feel more at home in one of them ask yourself the question: How can femininity enhance my masculinity right now? (Or the other way around) I often ask myself how masculinity can heighten my dace. Or in contemplation, just allow some femininity to inform you and see what it does. The results are pretty badass ;-) 

    Just notice how your awareness heightens when you consciously practice to integrate the two. 

    That’s what I’d call “Love” energy @electroBeam ;-)

    17 minutes ago, Carl-Richard said:

    “There are only two mistakes one can make along the road to truth: not going all the way, and not starting.”

    Bruh. Thank you for that.

  19. Posted

    I've had many such pulls in my life and usually allowed myself to follow them. They seemed to go into totally different directions at first sight but if I take a deeper look, they all circle around the same basic topic/ interest. Maybe you'll find that music was just one side of a coin you really want to explore in it's entirety, and now it's time for a different one. 

    Have you taken the Life Purpose Course btw? It can really help you plunge into the depths of you most authentic desires.

    P.s.: It's impossible to not change^_^ 

    Good luck!

  21. Posted

    "The eye  is the first circle; the horizon which it forms is the second; and throughout nature this primary figure is repeated without end. It is the highest emblem in the cipher of the world. St. Augustine  described the nature of God as a circle whose centre was everywhere, and its circumference nowhere.  We are all our lifetime reading the copious sense of this first of forms. One moral we have already deduced, in considering the circular  or compensatory character of every human action. Another analogy we shall now trace; that every action admits of being outdone. Our life is an apprenticeship to the truth, that around every circle another can be drawn; that there is no end in nature, but every end is a beginning; that there is always another dawn risen on mid-noon, and under every deep a lower deep opens."

    Ralph Waldo Emerson

  22. Posted

    I’ll never forget the night I started this journal a year ago. It was the night before my first therapy session. I remember sitting in my chair, paralysed by the thought that my disordered eating came to a point where I had to go to therapy. I just stuffed down an entire bar of chocolate and hated myself so much for it that my body grew completely tense and stiff. I couldn’t even cry this time but my whole body hurt. I was so overwhelmed by self hatred that even my thoughts disappeared,  which never happened before… Definitely one of the lowest points in my journey so far… I rarely felt so alone and helpless.

    Ever since I can remember, I always disliked the fact that I have to have a body. I’ve always felt home in my thoughts and emotions, my visions and dreams… Never in my body. It’s still so alien to me. Things are getting better overall but this process is SO. INCREDIBLY. SLOW. It’s really triggering my impatience.

    Literally every other domain of life is a total game for me. I love learning, I’m quick to implement things and I'm very discerning. Relationships, work, personal struggles, even metaphysical ones… Throw anything at me and I’m quick to recover. But this… This eating disorder is the most humbling thing that has ever happened to me. Even with all the knowledge, support and willingness to try things… It’s still a mystery to me most of the time. Feels like a labyrinth I have to navigate through. One day at a time, three steps forward, two steps back… 

    Maybe I should write a dedicated post one day about the things that helped me to get better. I don’t quite feel ready for that though.

  25. Posted

    Sometimes I feel like I can’t cope with the pace at which my life is moving forward. At those times, literally everything overwhelms me and I’m just spending days doing barely anything, sitting around wide - eyed, trying to let my body integrate what is happening. 

    The overwhelm is interesting because I actually live a super simple life. I’m proud to say that I’m at a point where I don’t say yes to anything I don’t want to do anymore. That means anything that’s too much for the senses is more or less cut out of my life because it drains me: movies, shopping, gossip, parties, constant music or chatter, public transport, too much touch, electronics, small talk,… I have organised my life in a way where I have basically no input from the outside world what so ever like the news or commercials.

    So I live like a grandma. And I love it.^_^ I so enjoy living a slowed-down life and being by myself, I wouldn’t want it any other way. So when I’m not working I sleep, read, write, meditate, research, cook, do yoga, dance, go outside, work on ideas, philosophise or catch up with a handful of people that I’m close with.

    When I am working I’m putting what I’m learning into practice, taking care of people while not loosing touch with myself, communicating properly, connecting with nature, advancing an idea I really believe in and working out my exact mission within it. (I’m the luckiest person on this planet when it comes to my work.)

    So this makes that basically all of my time is spent on developing myself, which leads to rather big changes in awareness and circumstances… All. The. Time. O.o I’m only starting to notice this now because I’m looking back at old journal entries, thinking: “Wow, I was a totally different person two months ago.” This is a bit unsettling at times, so I retrieve and give my system the time it needs to adapt. Right now is such a time.