mood

[flume]

Also didn't know I needed french pop in my life. But I do!!! What a total babe

 

[allislove]

Thanks for suggesting to check your journal – I love it. So many amazing insights, beautiful photos 
I feel you are doing good 

I want to comment on your last sharings, since I enjoyed reading it :))
 

16 hours ago, flume said:

Little update

Work is quite intense this month but I’m loving it. Would be too personal to write about it here but everything’s  turned upside down at the minute. I feel socially exhausted but really inspired at the same time. People trust me a lot there and I do my best to not being pulled into gossip.

Yeah, gossip sucks  Why would you do it if you can enjoy your life in so many other beautiful ways.

Also handling emotionally difficult moments quite well which the whole team and my boss really appreciate. Thanks meditation for having my back Just reading ‘Linchpin’ by Seth Godin and I think I’m well on my way to becoming one.

Yes, meditation is amazing, "it's who we are". I am so grateful that I started meditating consistently a year or so ago. I meditated usually 20 minutes. Then, naturally bumped to 40 minutes. Now it's 45 minutes/1 hour of relaxing. I think 1 hour is perfect. 1 hour on formal meditation, 16 hours on life enjoyment, 7 hours on sleep. Sounds fair, right?  

Also thinking about getting some further education, not exactly sure what though. I’ll do the theory on organic farming for sure but that will only start 1 year from now. I also thought about Shiatsu or something else connected to TCM. Let’s see.

Sounds good  

Besides work, guys are in my head all the time.

Ahaha, the same for me, but girls  

There’s always someone I’m crushing on, at least a bit. It’s just impossible to turn off.

Very true  

Nothing has changed about that since I’m 12 

Exactly. When you are 16-18 you think okay I'm going to be 30 and everything is going to be completely different in this regard. Then, one day you are 30 and you still want what you want

I’m still a bit clueless when it comes to relationships… After working to remove my families and societies expectations…

Oh, that was a thing for me too, especially family expectations. I realized that I am free from it now, so happy.  

I’m now left with nothing.  Now that I can start from 0, what relationship model would actually work for me? Time will tell.

Yes, very good start  

I actually asked a guy out for the first time the other day. There’s this shop I visit from time to time, a man works there and I always feel so pulled towards him. And he just magnetised me again. There’s this intense polarity between us that it feels like the rest of the world is shut down when we see one another. So I pulled myself together and walked in there, asking if he’d like to have a coffee with me. He said he has a girlfriend, but he smiled and said he felt honoured… That’s ok It was good that I did it, I know what approach anxiety is now, lol.

Yes, it always feels good when you actually do what you want. 

Therapy also brought major shifts this month: I realised how much my parents morality is still influencing me.

Yeah. In the beginning, I tried to push the family back from me, but then I realized that family is just a family, not a problem at all. I can love them, live peacefully, have amazing relationships with them, and do what I want. That's also what my family wants for me – to see me happy. 

The thought that I can’t have more than one partner my entire life for example made me all anxious as soon as I got into a relationship. And I thought I had commitment issues.

Haha, very true

It’s funny how on the one hand I feel pretty evolved up the spiral and on the other hand I still have a lot of integration to do of the lower stages. 

Together with Matt Kahn’s teachings, Teal Swan and Therapy I feel like I’m slowly integrating my body image issues and relationship confusion.

Godspeed

I also (re)started my health journey (for real) this month. There was just a point where I thought ‘I can’t keep sitting around, being afraid to move forward because my eating disorder isn’t solved’. So I hired a personal trainer, and I’ve been killing it at the gym since then. I really want to ground this path though, so I’m redoing parts of the life purpose course to come up with a coherent vision for my health. Just wrote down the things I want when it comes to my health and so much of it is showing up already… Out of nowhere Pretty cool! I really need to intentionally connect with my body more. I feel so balanced when I do because I tend to be in my head all day otherwise.

One of the best Leo's videos that I watched this year was.. you know what? The video about healthy food  
A clean, healthy diet is a huge thing for spiritual growth. It's the foundation for everything.

This life is a curious thing. I have no idea why certain things work out and others don’t.

Yes, life is a miracle 
Everything works as you want, just put the focus on what you want, be happy, relax.

Everywhere I look, I look for truth and love: In the world, during my trips, in my emotions, in my dreams...

Truth/Love is everywhere, here, this, look no further.   

This key theme is what makes my life feel whole, and it’s becoming more familiar and mysterious by the day.

Sounds amazing

I could have never planned for or forced the things that are happening at the moment. I’m truly humbled. Once again.

Amazing 

In the midst of much craziness I started reading ‘Letting Go’. I was pretty good at letting thoughts go but this is a whole different level. It’s a strange experience to let an emotion work through me, especially at such speed! Seems like exactly what I’m needing right now. Possibly the best book I’ve picked up this year. Even though I’m busier and more clueless and tired than usual right now, through the technique I feel like these things don’t burden me much. I’m finally daring to trust myself. Slowly.

This book is really nice, I enjoyed reading it some time ago. If I may suggest the next book after this – "Ask And It Is Given" by AH 
I think by reading these 2 books you will be very well equipped regarding feelings/life/yourself.

Do you have a dream board? I feel like you can benefit from making it, benefit in terms of clarity ?

[flume]

Lovely to have you here, thanks for leaving your thoughts @allislove  Is a dream board the same thing as a vision board? That I have. Do you have one? How does it help you?

[flume]

“When you awaken the truth within yourself, there’s no illusion to overcome, there’s only truth to recognise wherever you go.” Matt Kahn

[allislove]

@flume thanks, you too 

A vision board is a different thing. I remember creating a vision board when I was going through the LP course.

A dream board is more like a meditation practice. Perhaps, one day I'll write a lengthy post on how I utilize the dream board in daily life. I would say the dream board is a "God mode" in this game  

I recommend to read this thread, very inspiring:

 

[flume]

I’m really inspired by how vulnerable people are in their journals so I decided to journal more here. It’s funny how my relationship to this forum has changed over the past year. I used to be so intimidated when people weren’t nice to each other, I’d think about mean comments for days and I never dared to really say what I’m thinking. Now I’m way more comfortable with who I am, so it’s easier to stand up for myself and not let negativity effect me so much. Being on this forum has been (an continues to be) a great leaning opportunity. There are a lot of incredibly nice and helpful people on here that inspire me very much :-)

I reviewed my LPC-values the other day. I was really happy to see that I’m becoming more aligned with them over time (even though I haven’t actively been working on any project the past weeks). Anyways, one of thee values is vulnerability. Journaling publicly a big step in that direction for me. It does me good too. And I enjoy reading back on my old entries.

[flume]

I might as well post my Me-Sheet here for reference:

Life Purpose
Leading people back to their connection with nature

Zone Of Genius
Finding similarities between nature and the human mind

Domein Of Mastery
Gardening, Writing, ?

Top 10 Values

1. Independence
2. Uniqueness
3. Truth
4. Solitude
5. Vulnerability
6. Contribution
7. Appreciation
8. Humour
9. Knowledge
10. Nature

Top 5 Strengths

1. Enthusiasm And Energy
2. Love Of Leaning
3. Spirituality And Sense Of Purpose
4. Optimism And Future-Mindedness
5. Gratitude

Long Term Goals

1. Enlightenment
2. Work Outside All Day
3. Be Self-Employed
4. Cure Eating Disorder

Top 5 Questions

1. Is it possible to find God through nature?
2. What would a completely new form of therapy be?
3. What does it mean to love something?
4. What would happen if everyone dared to be more authentic?
5. Why is there something rather than nothing?

[flume]

Finally bought speakers today. My never ending dance parties just became THAT much more awesome

 

[flume]

The past month really has been a ride. It’s been so overwhelming that I had to let go completely of any kind of routine. And I did let go easily this time, because I know this game by now. When I’m holding on to the same routine for too long, life gets crazy so I’m forced to let it go. I then spend some time in a limbo until a new route emerges and everything begins anew.

It’s scary to stop micromanaging myself and my days. Routines and “force” did help in the past to some extent and I think I’ve just consumed too much self - help content. Yet I feel the intense pull that letting go is exactly what I need to do. Instead of a habit tracker and a strickt to-do list I made a “feel-good-list” this month It’s meant as inspiration to take good care of myself. Feels so light compared to what I did before. Focussing on self love so much lately, I now live by the question “What do I need right now?”. The answer is always there immediately. Clear, simple, straight forward.

A part of me is still scared that I won’t get things done this way. Yet here I am, still meditating, reading, taking care of things. But feeling so much better at the same time.

I read this question the other day: “If you could tell your younger self of 5 years ago anything, what would you say?” And I’d just say “Relax. Trust life. There’s no need to overthink every decision. Life is taking care of things as well. You won’t do wrong.”

Today has been the perfect example of what trust can do. I had no intention but to be kind to myself when I woke up. After my morning meditation I felt really inspired to do things that are good for me. Having a lot of energy and clarity, I exercised and went out to buy and organise things that I’ve been putting off for months. Checked so many things off my list effortlessly. I also met two really nice people that unexpectedly helped me with some questions I was having. Later I was at a Café reading and when I wanted to pay I found out that this super handsome man sitting on the table next to me already paid my coffee when he left… I mean, come on. What a day!

I find it really difficult to learn how to trust these boosts of inspiration and energy. I still like to keep track of planning projects for example but that just seems impossible sometimes. That’s a difficult balance to strike. But I’ll figure it out.

 

Trust love.

Trust life.

Trust myself.

[Natasha]

@flume I needed to hear your words today. "What do I need right now?"  And I knew the answer right away too - I need some sleep, more sleep  

Self-care is not selfish. Thanks for the reminders 

 

[flume]

After so many years of feeling lost, it seems like I've finally found my teacher. Matt, you've made all the difference in my life. It's like my entire 'traditional' spiritual journey was put on halt and I've found a much more helpful approach to doing all of this work. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Everything inside of me agrees with this energy and the shifts that have happened over the past months and ineffable. I'm having so many moments of being completely overwhelmed by the beauty of life, to a point where I feel like on MDMA. It's crazy. Feels like coming home. Finally.

"Stop working on yourself. Start relating to yourself."

@Natasha So happy to hear that it's gotten you some clarity. We always know best, we just have to dare to listen. Love you! 

[flume]

Writing so little lately, even though it would do me so good. Really motivated to write and read more again. With autumn around the corner, the gloomy weather outside… How lovely :-)

Getting back into training at the gym has been really tough the past months. I’ve been really fit in the past and it feels like now I have to start all over again. I love training though. I love getting stronger and more in tune with my body. I’m actually able to up my weights a lot quicker than I used to, since I was really thin back then. Some part of me doesn’t want to accept that I might never be this skinny ever again. Being borderline underweight just felt awesome for some reason… Like I barely exist and I don’t need to occupy space… But I (obviously) wasn’t in a good place mentally. But even now...  My relationship with my body stays one of the most difficult things to deal with for me. I think my perception might be really off as well… I just wonder how much free mental energy I'd have if I wouldn't have to think about it so much all day.

[flume]

Gym tunes

[flume]

I started doing Kundalini Yoga a couple of weeks ago at a yoga center nearby. I’m really loving how the units are a mix of (very intense) yoga poses, calming practices, information and meditation… They really take their time (90 minutes) so it feels very well rounded. Most of the kriyas are done with closed eyes, so you’re really bound to focus on yourself. The practice really forces me to surrender every time. But in a very enjoyable way. It’s difficult to describe.

Even though I’ve only been doing it for a little while, I can really tell how this kind of yoga has a very real core and (if done right) the exercises are meant to awaken you. It’s not all about who can bind into a pretzel and has the prettiest yoga pants.

Every time I leave the studio my mind is very spacious and my body feels activated. So I have to say, I’m impressed. I’ve always just done things by myself because I thought it was silly to pay for these things… But I was wrong :-) This is actually really helpful. I’ve tried a little bit of Kriya yoga in the past and this now really reminds me of it.

Anyways, I’ve been a bit sick the past week. For some reason this made me lucid dream a lot more than usually. So while being in one of them, I asked the dream: “What would awakening feel like?” I suddenly felt a hot bright ball of light at the base of my spine, moving in a U-shape, trying to move upI mean… I’ve heard about kundalini energy before but this… Was freaking hot and intense!! 

 

 

[flume]

 

[flume]

Sometimes I feel like I can’t cope with the pace at which my life is moving forward. At those times, literally everything overwhelms me and I’m just spending days doing barely anything, sitting around wide - eyed, trying to let my body integrate what is happening. 

The overwhelm is interesting because I actually live a super simple life. I’m proud to say that I’m at a point where I don’t say yes to anything I don’t want to do anymore. That means anything that’s too much for the senses is more or less cut out of my life because it drains me: movies, shopping, gossip, parties, constant music or chatter, public transport, too much touch, electronics, small talk,… I have organised my life in a way where I have basically no input from the outside world what so ever like the news or commercials.

So I live like a grandma. And I love it. I so enjoy living a slowed-down life and being by myself, I wouldn’t want it any other way. So when I’m not working I sleep, read, write, meditate, research, cook, do yoga, dance, go outside, work on ideas, philosophise or catch up with a handful of people that I’m close with.

When I am working I’m putting what I’m learning into practice, taking care of people while not loosing touch with myself, communicating properly, connecting with nature, advancing an idea I really believe in and working out my exact mission within it. (I’m the luckiest person on this planet when it comes to my work.)

So this makes that basically all of my time is spent on developing myself, which leads to rather big changes in awareness and circumstances… All. The. Time.  I’m only starting to notice this now because I’m looking back at old journal entries, thinking: “Wow, I was a totally different person two months ago.” This is a bit unsettling at times, so I retrieve and give my system the time it needs to adapt. Right now is such a time. 

[flume]

 Dr. Hawkins 2.0

[flume]

I’ll never forget the night I started this journal a year ago. It was the night before my first therapy session. I remember sitting in my chair, paralysed by the thought that my disordered eating came to a point where I had to go to therapy. I just stuffed down an entire bar of chocolate and hated myself so much for it that my body grew completely tense and stiff. I couldn’t even cry this time but my whole body hurt. I was so overwhelmed by self hatred that even my thoughts disappeared,  which never happened before… Definitely one of the lowest points in my journey so far… I rarely felt so alone and helpless.

Ever since I can remember, I always disliked the fact that I have to have a body. I’ve always felt home in my thoughts and emotions, my visions and dreams… Never in my body. It’s still so alien to me. Things are getting better overall but this process is SO. INCREDIBLY. SLOW. It’s really triggering my impatience.

Literally every other domain of life is a total game for me. I love learning, I’m quick to implement things and I'm very discerning. Relationships, work, personal struggles, even metaphysical ones… Throw anything at me and I’m quick to recover. But this… This eating disorder is the most humbling thing that has ever happened to me. Even with all the knowledge, support and willingness to try things… It’s still a mystery to me most of the time. Feels like a labyrinth I have to navigate through. One day at a time, three steps forward, two steps back… 

Maybe I should write a dedicated post one day about the things that helped me to get better. I don’t quite feel ready for that though.

[flume]

"The eye  is the first circle; the horizon which it forms is the second; and throughout nature this primary figure is repeated without end. It is the highest emblem in the cipher of the world. St. Augustine  described the nature of God as a circle whose centre was everywhere, and its circumference nowhere.  We are all our lifetime reading the copious sense of this first of forms. One moral we have already deduced, in considering the circular  or compensatory character of every human action. Another analogy we shall now trace; that every action admits of being outdone. Our life is an apprenticeship to the truth, that around every circle another can be drawn; that there is no end in nature, but every end is a beginning; that there is always another dawn risen on mid-noon, and under every deep a lower deep opens."

Ralph Waldo Emerson

[flume]

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