After a lot of contemplation (frequent deep sessions) and tough groundwork (facing fears, shame, letting go of attachments) in the past 2 months I decided to shut the eff up and go balls to the wall with observing direct experience and reaching a state from which I would recognize Myself again. So today I took ~150mg of MDMA to help me with that. Here's what I experienced.
My intention was to become as conscious as I can and BE in that state, instead of trying to break it down, contemplating it to death, trying to somehow save the state, etc. But also I vowed to accept anything I experience (or not), so that I'm not disappointed and love whatever I get. I learned from my previous experiences that it's stupid to have expectations for trips. EDIT: (Or did I? hahaha)
So I sat on the floor with my back leaned against the bed and stayed there for most of the trip, focusing on consciousness and subtly asking myself "What is all of this?" in silence, with eyes either closed or open.
After about half an hour the effects started kicking in. I began to feel really relaxed and comfortable in my body. Probably one of the greatest pleasures I've experienced. I became present like never before and it was amazing! I've never been as much in the NOW as during this trip. While it should have been apparent to me already, here I was shown the true magic of Presence. God is Absolute NOW! Everything is happening NOW! Reality is NOW! The more NOW You are, the more conscious You are.
Connected to this was the consciousness of the deep profundity of I am what I am. I AM what I AM in this moment NOW! And it cannot be otherwise. God is what IS, RIGHT NOW! That's what God is! The mistake is wanting what IS to be what is not.
As I said before my intention was to go balls to the wall with consciousness. While I was observing the present moment and basking in its beauty suddenly words came to me which I uttered out loud.
"I want to Awaken."
I was taken aback. Not only because of what I said (I've repeated this a few times in my life already), but mainly by the sincerity behind these words. These fucking words were sincere! I can probably count on one hand sentences that I've spoken aloud which were really TRUE. This was one of them! But God responded:
You are not ready yet.
I was even more surprised. I was surprised because I recognized this was also true! And a small relief came upon me. Of course I'm not ready. Duuh. I still can't accept so much I'm pretty much a child, haha.
I asked God "Am I ever going to be ready?". He said Yes. Then I had a light-bulb moment and asked "In the moment of death?" and He responded with " ". Just so You know, I'm not giving these conversations with God very much weight because I'm taking into consideration I might be deluding myself. But so far this mentorship has been incredibly helpful to me.
So I didn't Awaken. But God didn't leave me empty-handed. After more observation and focusing I became conscious that God is Infinite Love. It was Love so unbiased, deep and indiscriminate that I couldn't believe it. Endless and Unconditional.
What I find funny is that I felt a bit butthurt that this Love wasn't reserved for "me". I saw it is Unbiased and Universal and it stung me in the ass. Isn't that hilarious?  Just a devil being a devil. I noticed this feeling and moved on.
See, God is Absolute Self-Love. Here I'm connecting the previous 3 big points: (1) Presence, (2) I AM what I AM and (3) Infinite Love. God is Absolutely Itself, Absolutely NOW and God Loves Itself Infinitely. It's amazing.
Infinite Love. ♾️ Endless, Unconditional, Universal, Unbiased. Infinite Love of what IS, AKA God = Self = Reality.
Experiencing this Love felt healing and freeing. It made me utter the next set of sincere words: "I'm sorry I'm not as loving as You. I'm sorry I am so weak. I'm sorry I can't accept everything". And of course it was okay. I Love You anyways, God said. I Am You, always. I remember feeling undeserving of this Love. And the third and last set of words was "I want to be like You". This one honestly brings me to tears the most. Again, it's the sincerity behind it! "I want to be like You" is surrender. It's redemption. The devil surrendering to God, inspired by His Goodness and Love.
But of course I'm not ready to surrender yet. I am what I am --> If I am unready, I am unready. Today I've been working on accepting this state as much as possible, because that's what IS NOW. I suppose what I really have to do with my work is just accept more and more what Is in the present moment, it's not that complicated.
Infinite Love also made me realize that I Am God is half the truth. The other half is "I am not God" simply because I can't love as much. Or maybe "I am limited" or "I am human" is a better way to convey this point. The discrepancy between my love and God's Love is Infinite, literally, which I find a bit saddening. Three months ago when I asked God whether I am Him he responded with Yes and no. You're not fully conscious of Me. But I was too dumb to listen.
So yeah. That's it I guess. Honestly I think my main lesson from this trip is that I gotta accept, accept, accept! God's Love inspired me to love more like Him. God is an Endless Source of Wisdom, Love and Inspiration. God is the Greatest Mentor. I suggest You get in touch with Him! (btw, in this thread I was mostly referring to God as "He" for simplicity's sake. Of course God is not male.)
Thanks for reading. Check out my other reports if You wish. You might get inspired. Cya!