Damir Elezi

As Leo said in a video (don't remember which one) you could find some truth about reality even if you studied the Nazi's ideology. Even if some information might be misguiding, it is worth studying, because it shows a unique perspective about reality. Also, the fact that so many people follow JP shows that a lot of people's view of reality is kind of similar to his. So if you want to have more understanding, it might be helpful to watch the videos. Just don't take anything as absolutely true and question things, think for yourself. Ask yourself "what would the world look like if this was true?" Recontextualize and so on.

I really like what you say, it resonates with me. What if somebody has the desire to leave his/her s.o. to sleep around with other people. Would you also recommend following emotions? I'd consider this to be a pretty short-sighted decision, but your explanation made me question that.

Day 19: Accepting the pain Did I do my morning routine? - Yes Meditation practice today - Labelling mindfulness meditation with focus only on the seeing-channel Nofap Streak day - 1 Scary thing I did today - Nothing really. Gonna cancel this category because it creates pressure throughout the day and I got enough of that already. Fun thing I did today - Gonna cancel that too. What I can do better in the future - I think I did pretty well today. What am I grateful for? -That's a good category for a journal. I'm earning money by actually helping people without exploiting them and can put some of it aside every month. My father is supporting me and looking out for cars, so I don't have to ride the train to university in the cold. He bought a car for me for 600 bucks and wants to give it to me. Some people don't even have families. Some people live on the streets, dying from an overdose through the same addiction-mechanism that I'm suffering from. My brain alone would kill me. I have the support, the intelligence and the love surrounding me that prevents me from going down. I can be so happy and grateful. I had a small breakthrough today: It was the first day since a very long time, where I was home alone and did not watch porn or jerk off at all. My mailbox strategy and working with my girlfriend's laptop only seems to work very well. Right now I'm writing on my own computer and I could just click on a porn site, but I don't have the desire to right now. I don't know why that is and I'm scared that it might come back. But at the moment it's cool. I managed to get a lot done today. A lot of stuff that I wouldn't have managed to do on one day. I didn't let myself be distracted at all. No porn, no youtube videos while I had stuff to do, no music while studying. Just mindfully going through the tasks. It was kinda hard. At first it was boring, but after sticking through it a litte bit and being mindful of my feelings, I saw that the boredom is actually something else. A kind of sadness. I felt that sadness after studying and it followed me for some time. I tried to look into it and accept it. It was kind of a comforting sadness, I noticed it as a feeling that I am very close and related to. But even with that feeling, getting so much done just showed me that I actually AM capable of doing all kinds of stuff throughout my day. I'm just wasting time with bullshit all the time, that's why I go unproductive. I just have to cut the distractions off while working and I'll be highly focussed. How can I be the person I wanna be, if I lack focus? I went to therapy today and told the group about everything that happened during christmas vacation. The thoughts about breaking up, my girlfriend losing trust for me, my grandma almost dying in the hospital, now suffering her inability to walk properly, my girlfriend relapsing into her disease, my stress because of the finals and money and my addiction getting kinda worse. We talked about it, as we always do. After the session, my therapist called me into his office and told me some places my girlfriend could go for therapy. He then told me something that kind of flipped a switch in my mind: "It's really good to have you in the group. I have fun talking to you. You seem like somebody who really knows himself well. And you seem uncompromising with yourself, like you really have a strong view and direction" Something like that. That a psychologist, who I really value as a person and who I see as kind of a role model thought I knew myself well, showed me that all this soul-searching and Personal Development stuff wasn't for nothing. I might actually know myself better than the ordinary human being who doesn't do PD consciously. The last sentence struck me even more. It's something I heard from other people too in the last days. Throughout my life I viewed myself as kind of a weak person, not wanting to stand up for myself. I didn't really value my own opinion if there were others, whose opinion I valued more, because they are higher in the social hirarchy. When he said that, I knew that this was actually not me. I actually do have a strong sense of direction and in many situations I am uncompromising with myself. I have a clear mind, as long as it's not clouded. I have a strong will, as long as it's not confused. I excel in a lot of things if I actually put my mind to them. I believe there might be some greatness in me. To find that, I have to accept the pain around me. Life is full of pain. Life is suffering. But only by acknowledging that and still sticking through it mindfully, my greatness can come to the surface. No more distractions. No more looking the other way, no more running from dissatisfaction. The greatest satisfaction comes at the end of such a day, when I notice that I really worked hard and achieved something. A small step, but nevertheless is better than I ever did, at least in the last few months/years. Let's accept the pain. Let's see how bad it can get. I will not flee. "Out of the night that covers me, Black as a pit from pole to pole, I thank whatever gods may be for my unconquerable soul. In the fell clutch of circumstance, I have not winced nor cried aloud. Under the bludgeonings of chance My head is bloody, but unbowed. Beyond this place of wrath and tears Looms but the horror of the shade, And yet the menace of the years finds and shall find me unafraid. It matters not how straight the gate, how charged with punishments the scroll, I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul." -Invictus. By William Ernest Henley.

Day 18: Rage Did I do my morning routine? - Yes Meditation practice today - Do nothing for 20 mins Nofap Streak day - 0 Scary thing I did today - Called my grandma inside a bus - call me crazy but it was uncomfortable Fun thing I did today - Walked through the mall window-shopping and walked into a store just to get some free tea What I can do better in the future - Stay. Off. That. D**k. I'm angry. So fucking angry at life and myself. It's frustrating and painful as fuck. My girlfriend had a fucking borderline disorder-ego backlash-whatever the fuck it is and expressed suicidal thoughts again, falling into pits of depression and pain for no reason at all. I try to help her but it eats up my energy and motivation to the point that I feel like my head is going to explode. I feel like this is my fault because I thought about breaking up with her 2 weeks ago and I told her. She lost trust for me. She blames me for it sometimes, even though I stayed together with her and chose to stick through this fucking bullshit. At the same time I see that she is suffering it and is not to blame, it's just a horrible disease we both have to get her rid off. Also, my grandma is sick and has been in the hospital for quite a long time. She could have died there. Now she's back and can't properly walk. She tells me every time we talk how she wishes to be as she was before. She's always on the verge of tears. 80 years old but can't take ageing. How will it be when she's facing death? Will I walk through the same? Will I resist it as much? Do I have to suffer through all this? My mother is suffering from her work place, my other grandma and grandpa are suffering from loneliness and my best friend suffers the emptiness in his soul that I know too well. I can't see him though, he works so far away and wants to move even further. On top of that I'm still suffering this fucking addiction. It costs me hours and hours every day. I'm putting my cell phone into the mailbox downstairs every day just to not look at it and fall back into consuming, but I still find ways to take it out through some stupid situations. It sucks the life out of me. I feel like a loser. I feel weak. Also, the finals are approaching and I have to study. Actually I should study for hours every single day to get some good grades. I need good grades if I want to follow through with my plans. Every day that passes without studying makes it worse. I sold my car months ago and don't even have the fucking time to look up cars and buy one. Now I'm walking through the cold ass rain every day, trying to catch some crouded train. And lastly, my rap-business-aspirations reached a dead point once again. I want to do this so bad, at the same time I want to go the safe road of studying and getting a safe job, making rap a side hustle, which I don't have time for..... well maybe I would have time, if the fucking addiction didn't rob me off about 2 hours per day. Today all this hit me and I was just pissed off. I'm gonna use rage. Rage will fuel me. I'm not fucking around with my life any more. If suffering and pain is really unavoidable (as long as I'm not enlightened), I will learn to take those and bust right through it. Meditation will help me. I will be a refuge to myself, as the buddhists call it. And I will deal with all that. Cut the bullshit. Fuck everybody and everything. Just. Keep. Moving. Just a song that motivates me. Lol.

Day 17: Another day, another struggle Did I do my morning routine? - No, I slept too long again and wasn't able to pull through. Meditation practice today - Just trying to focus on whatever sensation was arising Nofap Streak day - 2 Scary thing I did today - None Fun thing I did today - Watched a good movie at home with my girlfriend What I can do better in the future - try to let go of things and not identify with things. Identification leads to suffering. It is one of the truths Leo has propagated for a long time and a core concept of buddhism, which I so adore. Today I really experienced that. My gf started feeling depressed and suicidal again yesterday and trying to cheer her up only pulled me down more and more. I felt like I couldn't handle it and felt like going insane yesterday. It really fucks with my mind. I lost motivation to do the things I need/want to do and I couldn't really stick to anything today. However, whenever I disidentify with my girlfriend and her problems, whenever I don't take the blame for what she does and how she feels, when I don't see her being happy as fundamental to my happiness - if I don't put her happiness as a condition to mine, then I'm much more in peace and can still remain happy (at least a little bit) but also compassionate. In fact I can help her better this way. The year has just started and I'm already up for some tough times. But I am a warrior. I will not give this up. I will keep falling down and keep getting up until I make it. No matter how loud my senses scream at me to just pick up the phone, lean back and watch porn, I will always make an effort to resist. No matter how bad my girlfriend situation is, I will focus on my goals and ambitions and leave if it gets too hard, keeping on with other things. No matter how many relapses I have, I will keep starting NoFap at day 1 until I reach fucking day 90. I must not forget that I am worthy of love and that I have friends and companions who are willing to support me. I don't take the "scary thing" and "fun thing" every day seriously. Meaning I don't really see opportunities and I'm not willing to look for stuff in everyday life. Maybe I can plan these things ahead for the next day.

Day 16: Relapse Did I do my morning routine? - Yes, except for meditation. Didn't have time for it today as I slept a little too long today and had an important interview in the morning. Meditation practice today - None. Nofap Streak day - 1 Scary thing I did today - Spoke up pretty confidently at my workplace Fun thing I did today - Went out with my best friend and talked about life What I can do better in the future - Be nicer to salespeople in the shops and give them a friendly smile; stick to plans with my girlfriend and actually treat her like a priority. The last 2 days have been pretty beautiful and fulfilling because I was spending time with my friends talking about life and relationships, deep topics and creating some music with them. It struck me how being with people I connect with can create so much joy inside me, that I find it effortless and easy to write lyrics ( a full verse which is pretty dope in half an hour), while forcing myself to do it in the train can be so stressing. I definitely need to spend more time with friends and my girlfriend. But I also should spend more time being alone. The porn is actually robbing me of my life energy. I shouldn't watch it at all, I try to stay abstinent, but I had a major relapse yesterday morning. I. need. to. cut. that. shit. But it might be the hardest battle ever. Today was day one again, going pretty well. I noticed that it's usually on the third day, where I start to really have cravings. I want to make it to at least a week. I'm now charging my phone in the evening and right before I go to sleep (or rather: before my gf goes to sleep) I go downstairs, put it in my mailbox and only get it out the next morning when I leave the house. It feels like I would lock it away and I actually feel more peaceful. This morning I actually could shut off my brain in a way and get up and shower pretty quick, despite my strong tiredness.

Did I do my morning routine? - Yes, although I didn't wake up at 6. Vacation has to happen you know. Meditation practice today: 20 minutes of labelling Nopfap streak day: 2 Scary thing I did today: I thought about what I could do to overcome my fears. I started very small with doing something a bit uncomfortable: walking barefoot thought the cold grass of Germany in December. It was quite refreshing. Fun thing I did today: Got drunk and played poker while reflecting about life What I created today: Nothing really What was I thankful for? - My girlfriend and her parents for giving me the opportunity to stay here. My culture and traditions for giving me the chance to whitness the beautiful firework. That I have enough food and I don't have to care about my basic survival needs. What can I do better in the future: Not spend so much money without thinking. I'm spending the new year's eve at a house about 300 kilometers from home on the hills. It's a house My girlfriend's parents own for holidays. I'm here with My gf and a friend of her. We celebrated a little bit, had dinner together and I got drunk as fuck. A weird thing that happened is her friend laying out tarot cards for us to predict our future for the next year. I don't know how familiar you are with those. I didn't believe in tarot, due to it's status as esoteric nonsense, but the cards I pulled (coincidentally..?) fitted pretty well. One card said that I did Not take the step to change (which fits to my girlfriend situation. Me, Not breaking up. For the future, the cards predicted a rough year for me where it would be hard to see positive moments. I will be prepared. However I kinda feel like a man today. Don't know how to explain it but I take responsibility for my actions now. Not for other people's actions.

Day 15: My vision for 2019 Since the year is almost over I decided to take a little assessment Into what I achieved this year and what my goals and visions are for the next 1-2 years. Now I don't want to Make these new years resolutions starting from day one and forget them a month after, this is why I'll post them here as important for me. It's a vision of what I want to change in 2019. What did I achieve this year? - I actually found a morning and night time routine which will work for me: Getting up at 6:00-6:30, taking a cold shower, Getting ready, meditating for 20 minutes, having breakfast, then going out. -I found a stable job and became part of the establishment there - financial security for as long as I wish -I read about and tried out a lot of spiritual traditions and paths (Buddhism, Qi Gong, Yoga) and found out how I relate to those -I finally found some friends in university and became part of the social life there -I take part in a project which I really enjoy each time I'm there. I won't go into detail here it's complicated - I passed all the exams I took at university. -I connected with 3 other rappers (friends of mine) and rented a band room where we can produce songs and practice -I released 12 songs, including one music video and made another one which is probably the best song I ever made, working on a professional music video there -I gained about 8 kilos with working out and bulking in a healthy way -Talked to My girlfriend and made My relationship one of growth and prosperity -Realized some limitations of stage orange, ready to enter stage green even more. Part of my Vision for 2019 is to get rid of all My major negative blocks in My life. That includes: -Getting rid of My addiction - Abstaining from porn for 90 days and then looking what happens. Nofap! -Fighting my fears. Doing something scary every week. -Fall in love with life and myself --> Do something fun and beautiful every week. -Make my relationship a source of happiness by spending quality time with my gf every week, where we grow together. -Finding a martial art or a sport That I really enjoy and encompass it in My weekly routine. (Karate, Aikido, Kendo, Kickboxing, Wing Chun, Ninjutsu...) -Finding a routine of taking pictures and posting them on Instagram weekly -Make more rap videos with actual value to appeal to people I'm very aware that these ideals are pretty lofty and will most likely not all be met perfectly in one year. But I'll put them on the list and work on them regardless because they are all pretty important. To keep myself accountable I will change my journal a little bit. Before spitting my thoughts out, I'll answer the following questions about my day: Did I do my Morning routine? - Yes/no Meditation practice today: - Metta, Labelling, Breath-focus etc. Nofap streak day: Scary thing I did today: Fun thing I did today: What I created today: What was I thankful for today? What can I do better in the future? I fear that I'm taking on too much of a challenge here again. What do y'all think?

Day 14: Illness As if karma wanted to strike me for bitching about my girlfriend's illness yesterday, I got sick today. Nothing too bad, but I feel pretty weak. Still had to do some uni-work today. But I did it slowly, ate very healthy and tried to rest a little bit. I'll meet up with a friend right now to get an hour of fresh air. Staying in for the 4th day now makes me sick (maybe literally). My girlfriend came to me with bad news about her health today as well. Some personal stuff I won't talk about here, but it scares me. Nothing lethal, but it could really hurt our relationship. I don't feel that well honestly. I hope times will get better.

I'd Say contemplation. What is justice and why is it valuable? Is there justice in the world inherently or is it a man made concept? How do you know there's an afterlife? How do you know your version of the afterlife is the right one among all the other version? It was mainly doubt, that transcended me from blue. I started to think about these things very rationally and at some point they didn't make sense any more. Then I looked into science a little bit and found all my doubts confirmed By the mainstream. It's actually not that hard to get to orange in an orange society, the hardest things is considering that What is so dear and important to you and gives your life meaning might be all a delusion.

Day 13: Health Didn't do shit today, except for meditating and reading a little bit. My girlfriend got really sick and we couldn't do anything we had planned for today. Ended up being a day full of frustrations. Tomorrow I definitely have to pick things back up. I'll wake up at 6 am and get started. My girlfriend's health, mentally and physically, is really bad and we have to sort it out if we want to have a growing relationship. She finally accepted, that she has to make this a priority and not just something she keeps on the side, while working and doing stuff for other people is her main priority. We will have to sort out ways for her to be more healthy. In general, she is very stressed and anxious throughout the day and seems to have a very week immune system. The two may be connected, I'd be glad about any advice here regarding these problems.

@Eric Tarpall Maybe in the big picture it does kill both of you

@Eric Tarpall If you desire a flower, you rip it out of the earth, call it your own, put it into a vase and throw it away after it dies a few days later. If you love a flower, you come there every day and water it, watching it grow. Owning somebody is considered cute, as it appeals to the romantic ideal of passionate love. Passion is intoxicating and quite beautiful. But it also tears apart and burns out. No wonder most relationships are filled with jealousy. If you love someone, you will want to see that person happy. This will make you happy. Regardless if you "own" that person or not.

It's interesting that you consider humbleness to be the same as "bowing down to something". No, you don't bow down to humans, you don't bow down to anything. You yourself are the only thing you're responsible to. You have rights which are irrefutable and you can do whatever you want, as long as you don't actively hurt others. The focus here is on yourself. Since there is no god and no higher order, all it comes down to is YOU. The individual. This is the stage orange mindset. Humbleness here is not a very central term or value. I understand that you don't get how it can come without god, since stage orange is really not that concerned about being humble. It would maybe mean not boasting about what you have achieved and not being arrogant, because that may hurt and turn off other people and make you less-likeable, which is bad for YOURSELF again. I wouldn't focus on it too much right now, though. When you reach stage green, being humble gets a bit more important again, as your focus switches towards the community and the welfare of the planet, which you want to "serve". If you come from blue right now moving into orange, try to focus on yourself and first get rid of your religious dogma. Why does Islam want you to be humble towards Allah? How do you know what Allah even is? How do you know he exists? Because someone told you? Because it's written in a book? What if someone managed to tell you a story that is not true and then convinced you that you should be humble and obedient towards the story? You would be much easier to control wouldn't you? Now what if this somebody convinced you to bow down to NOTHING except for this story? How would you feel about other possibilites then? Could it be that what you were taught actually isn't true? Don't listen to other teachings and wait for solutions, actually think about it and consider it. I'm not trying to attack you, I came from the same place (from a Christian perspective). These thoughts moved me up the spiral towards orange which I'm struggling to overcome right now.

Day 12: Fuck self-improvement Merry Christmas to my fellow self-actualizers! Holidays weren't especially exciting until now. I spend some time with my family and feel a bit lethargic, as I don't work at all, I slacked off with my meditation and workout routine, didn't go outside a lot and spend a lot of time playing video games. I hope I can get back on track the day after tomorrow. I'll start tomorrow by picking up meditation again and working on a project for university. But then I want to spend a little bit of time with my girlfriend the rest of the day. I'm reading a book currently about not giving a fuck about things. It's a kind of self-help book written for women mainly, but I guess I can pull some insights out of it, which might be helpful. In one chapter, the author postulates that we shouldn't give a fuck about self-improvement. She postulates that western culture is obsessed with the dogma that "Everybody can achieve whatever he/she wants, if he/she just works hard enough!" It's the typical stage orange/libertarian way of looking at life and success, but I have to admit, that I do have this mindset to some extend. Since I'm 16 years old, I'm trying to actively work on myself to make myself a person, which I can accept more. The author draws a quite pessimistic view of the self, which states that we can not change to be a more outgoing person, we can not change how much money we make, etc. etc. It's the typical pessimism which is everpresent in European (especially German) philosophy, so I don't agree fully. I did change a lot of things about myself. I turned from an extremely shy and introverted person, who hated every kind of exercise, was kind of a geek and ate nachos, watching manga and porn every night, to become the productive person I am today. I'm also way more content which my life, so change in some way is definitely possible. What struck me was the following paragraph (roughly translated by me): "I was sure that in some point in the future, if I just worked hard enough, I would be just as I wanted to be. I would consistently do yoga or pilates, buy my groceries at the weekly market and the bookshelf in the other room wouldn't look like somebody threw in a ton of books into it from a distance. Before christmas, I would be in a good mood, I would sing and bake cookies with my child. This is the way it would be. This would be my real life. Until then, I'll just (struggle) to get to the next day. I am like a caterpillar. Some day, I would become a wonderful butterfly. (...) We will not become butterflies. This (struggle) IS our real life. This completely imperfect life with all it's insecurities, with it's full bookshelves and the unfulfilling sex life. We live it, for some time now already and we can not stop it either. Es lo que hay - it is what it is - as they say in Spain." - Alexandra Reinwarth Very true. I always feel like I'm working towards making myself a better person, a person I can accept, so that I can THEN actually start living. This is when enjoyment and life will start, if I become productive, if I have a good body, if I have all my shit together. I didn't really realize that life is going on every second. The imperfection and the struggle is life and I have to come to terms with that. Actually, the thought alone really makes me enjoy this moment much more. Thinking that right now, this is not some kind of practice session. This is life. I'm right in it, involved in it. I can choose to accept life as struggle with up's and down's, accept that it won't be perfect and make the best out of it, change what can be changed and try to not worry too much about what can not be changed. Or I can hope for a future that will never come. As Eckhart Tolle said, there is only now. This is all that exists. There is no future and there is really nothing to improve on a deep level... Well I'm still going to put up goals and work towards them. It's just that I have to realize that it's actually the process I am after. The struggle, the practice, the journey.... if I can learn to enjoy that, the goals are only a help for me to get on my course. I still feel some resistance though, because this means that my life is pretty meaningless... right? Well yeah I knew that all along. I'm giving life a meaning with my goals, but if those fall away as being pretty much irrelevant, what kind of meaning does life have? Deep shit. I need to sleep about that (as we say in Germany) P.S. On the other hand, Leo states that a complete change of the self is possible. Like a 1000% change, completely-altering-your-feeling-about-life-and-perception-of-reality-kind of self-improvement. I should not discard this possibilty, as it's also a dogma that my culture is feeding me. Like I can't do shit, life is just the way it is. I have to accept. I don't think that is fully true. However the insight here is that I have to enjoy the journey. Fulfilling goals will not make me happy. Enjoying the way there will.