Damir Elezi

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Everything posted by Damir Elezi

  1. I'm currently trying to break porn addiction. Read about sexual transmutation yesterday on the forum and found it very interesting. Didn't find anything really useful on google about it though, just explanations and some methods which are pretty hard to do if you can't hold back sexual tension in the first place. Does somebody know some practical ways to start channeling sexual energy into something else and/or does anyone have experience with this?
  2. @Matt8800 I don't want to totally quit masturbation, at least not forever and not out of demonization. I'm just really addicted to pornography - like, actually clinically diagnosed addicted. I go to therapy once a week for this because I used to waste and still waste a lot of time with PMO and I can't really stop it. Maybe I'll try masturbating before that. See, the problem is that I don't feel like having control about when and how I masturbate. If the urge comes, it's incredibly hard even to think straight and not grab my phone to go on a porn site immediatelly.
  3. Day 3: Poisonous pedagogy It has been a pretty long day at work today. One particularly interesting thing that happened was the following: Some of the employees of my institution (including me) had a kind of meeting with the boss of our institution, where we basically just watched and discussed a movie about how children's homes in the 1960s treated their children and what we can learn from history. Basically they were putting every child who kind of acted "contrary to the norm" and put it into a children's home, which was pretty much like a prison or a labor camp. I mean I know about teachers and pastors beating up kids and stuff, but this was worse than anything I ever heard of. In one scene they actually buried a 14 year old boy alive, just to dig him out later when he had been unconscious for long enough and drag him back into the building. The bad thing is that this was all actually happening and torturing children to break their will has been the main pedagogical concept at that time. Damn... Well, why do I talk about all this? Because while after the movie most of my co-workers (mostly young women) were all emotional and on the verge of tears, I acted pretty stoic about it and didn't feel like the movie affected me in any other way than "Damn, this actually happened?". Well what I noticed throughout the day, is that the movie still went around in my head and put me into a very negative mood all day. I derive 2 key insights from contemplating this a little bit. 1. It is extremely important to examine what kind of information I expose my brain to. Pictures and sounds I take in via the media have a very real subliminal effect, changing the way I think and feel. My motivation can literally decrease or increase just by the kind of music I listen to, or the images I look at. I can use this to my advantage, or - if I'm unconscious about it - to harm myself. 2. I tend to suppress my emotions. I still am not able to show emotional vulnerability in public. I am scared that people might think I'm a pussy, that they might laugh at me, while in reality, they might see me as weird, because I don't show emotions (or at least not all of them). I should practice being more honest in my emotions in social situations.
  4. I'm basically starting this journal without any particular purpose or direction other than to keep myself accountable for reflecting on my daily actions, habits, thoughts and experiences. I think that journaling is one of the most powerful techniques for self actualization and that it can actually be a very good ritual to end a day mindfully. I tried keeping a journal for myself several times and couldn't make it a habit, so let's try again. Maybe this time, you guys can help me by keeping an eye on me if you actually care about the nonsense I'm writing here. I'm not a native speaker of english, so please excuse me for potential mistakes. Let's start with some basic info about me: I'm 21 years old, living in a relatively small city in Germany. Moved out of my mothers house last year and living together with my girlfriend right now. I study Social Work at university and I work at a children's home on the side to earn some money and experience. My passion though is to become an artist - a rapper to be more specific. I want to write lyrics that I can change the world with, by raising the consciousness and the knowledge of the listener. I follow the self-actualization road for some time now, first passively, then pretty actively and I think I already made some progress. I started off as someone who was very shy and afraid to talk to people, full of self-doubt and negative thinking, having toxic friends who didn't really care about me, unhealthy, skinny and without energy, watching TV, anime and porn all day, being a huge people pleaser and sort of a nerd in school. Within the last few years I pretty much got rid of my toxic friends (not voluntarily though, guess I was lucky), started eating healthier and working out and spending most of my daily time with stuff I consider productive. There are still some things about my life that I don't like and that I want to change: I suffer from a pretty bad case of porn addiction. Like, actually medically diagnosed addiction to pornography. I tried to get rid of it on my own for several years, but couldn't. Right now I'm going to therapy every Tuesday. I made some progress but still watch it every once in a while. It's like sometimes the drive is too strong and my body just can't function properly if I don't get my dose. My carreer as a rapper is not going well. I have like 200 followers on Instagram and pretty much up to 100 people (and I know almost all of them personally) who actually listen to my songs. I want to change that but it still has to be a side hustle, because I want to get a degree in social work and study there, because I don't want to cut off my "safer option" to still make a good contribution to society. Sometimes I'm a little confused about what's more important to me and what I should really focus on. Self doubt is still a big theme in my life. I don't like the way I look and I feel like I'm not good enough, unless I put in a ton of work every single day. I'm still not as good in talking to people, as I'd like to be. I'm naturally an introvert and I don't worry about that, but I still tend to be socially awkward and a bit of a loner, if I don't make a conscious effort to actually open up and talk. I want to get better with that. As most students I don't have a lot of money and I'm largely dependent on the financial support the state pays for students here in Germany. My goal at the moment is to get my habits and regular behaviors into place, so that I can start building my life from that without any toxicity blocking me on a daily basis. Ways I try to achieve that are: Taking a first step of freeing myself of my addiction by trying to never be home alone. I watch porn mostly when I'm home alone, so I leave the house in the morning when my girlfriend leaves, too, and I try to only come back, when she's back as well. This of course means that I'm completely dependent on her in this way, which sucks. But at the moment I didn't come up with a better solution yet. Trying to stick to an empowering morning routine of 1. Drinking water, 2. Taking a cold shower, 3. Meditating for 20 minutes, 4. Having breakfast while reviewing my goals for the day. Doing something that scares me and gets me out of my comfort zone every week. Working out at home or outside 3-4 times a week Posting 4-5 pictures on Instagram per week and interact with/ grow my fanbase, as well as work on songs and videos I can release. I work together with a few friends who also try to get the rap thing going. Getting my relationship on a new level. After almost 3 and a half years, we decided to try to open our relationship a little bit. This means we're basically allowed to date other people right now and see where it leads us. Both of us still didn't take any action yet though. Creating a consistent reading habit - I love reading self help material, but I often don't find the time to do it. Writing a journal entry whenever I can at night. As you can see, this is a lot of stuff, considering that I also wanna have good grades in university and do a good job at my workplace. My schedule is pretty full and I always need a day off and a long night of sleep to recover at the end of the week, but it kind of gives me a feeling of being alive, that I didn't have before. I feel like I'm actually doing something with my life, even though I'm still very shaky in all of my aspirations and porn addiction hits me like a truck almost once every week, destroying my carefully planned week-schedule. What I try to do with this journal is to just document the process of me trying to manifest these goals and habits into my life. I want to figure out the basic routines of my life, so I'm a grounded, strong human being, who's ready to just follow through and enjoy the process, while automatically creating happiness and joy through my good habits. I hope that makes sense. Follow me on my journey, if you like. Maybe I can even inspire you to also take on a similar journey towards the happiest version of yourself (damn, wouldn't that be an inspiring vision?). I'd love to read your comments and engage in discussions with you.
  5. I honestly experience the exact same thing. I found that the underlying problem to this for me is my dependency on the opinions of others in general. I'm always holding back and worrying about others people's opinions, so that if I actually let go of that, it's a freeing feeling of happiness. I think the next step woul be not taking our daily tasks, obligations and others people so serious. We can care about everything and still realize that it's just a game. That takes some balance and work though
  6. Day 2: Sexual Transmutation? Relapsed today. My gf was out at work in the morning and I stayed at home because I thought I could control myself and do some working out at home, then get ready, eat breakfast, meditate and go out to uni. Big mistake. I spent 2 hours watching porn. I robbed myself of my workout, my meditation and even my breakfast, which I later had to buy at the train station and quickly choke down during commute. As I mentioned in my first post, relapses like this one happen pretty much every week, at least once. I'm a master of self deception and I can really convincingly tell my girlfriend and myself (that's the worst part, I actually do believe it myself), that I won't watch porn, I'm just looking at my text messages or some BS. Next moment I'm deep in the trap of addictive arousal. Days like this show me how strong this fucking addiction is. But I actually learned not to hate myself for it. After all there is no one to blame, it's just my brain having a dysfunction. Painful, but true. I have to keep going. Rest of the day went pretty well. I read about sexual transmutation yesterday on the forum. Never heard of it before, it's basically transforming sexual energy into motivation and a drive for life in other fields. I'm a scientifically-minded person, but open to spiritual methods, if they're not too "Woo woo" (I know, I'm a stage orange Zen devil) ;). I wonder if I can actually use that as a porn-addict. Not releasing sexual tension is pretty hard for me, can sexual transmutation help with that or do I have to be abstinent to reap the benefits of S.T.? Which way around is it? I'll have to do some investigation. I noticed today, that I forgot 2 important tasks yesterday and today. I might actually lose my upcoming internship in February because of one of these mistakes. Bureaucratic bullshit, which I didn't pay attention too. I hope that German bureaucracy has mercy on me, but I doubt it. The good thing is, that I sat in the train a lot today and wrote a lot of rap lyrics. My pen even gave up but I had more ideas so I kinda scratched the words into the paper without ink, hoping that I could read the imprints later. Kinda felt like I'm some broke-ass underdog rapper in the train, writing his lyrics on his way to another stressful job, like Eminem in "8 mile". Living the Hip Hop life out here
  7. Day One: Life is a game Sooo day one and nothing remarkable happened. I had to give a talk at university about the work of sociologist Erving Goffman and the main existential point that sticked to me is that life is basically a game. All we do in terms of survival and in terms of socializing with other people is a game of roles we play with each other, where the main objective is to be as fit to the situation as possible, while at the same time trying to portray the own self (Most on actualized.org would call it The Ego) in the best way, so that we get recognition. Everybody pretty much plays the game, from the lowest layers of society to the top ones. Theories like this always give me this fundamental feeling of nihilism about life, which I don't mean in a pessimistic way. It's actually freeing to know that all we do basically is just a game and doesn't fundamentally matter. I could basically just piss everybody off and live my life as a hermit, without my life being over. It's pretty much the train of thought that Leo expressed in his "Life is without purpose" video. I shouldn't worry so much about outcomes. It's a game so let's play and enjoy the journey! The day was generally quite frustrating and boring. The type of small, nagging frustrations that you experience in the back of your head. I woke up pretty tired, not having slept enough, my morning meditation went alright, but I can't sit still for the whole 20 minutes. Legs getting numb, I'm always tempted to look at the clock, etc. Nevertheless I could do some good deeds today. I encouraged a random girl in lunch line when I overheard her talking about trying to become vegan. I talked to my little brother who lives with my father and who I don't see that often, listening to his problems at school and noticing how much he has matured without me noticing. I told my girlfriend that I love her and for a second felt a deep connection with her. Like she's my teammate and we have each others backs no matter what. I wish I could have this feeling more often.
  8. @Joseph Maynor So you're implying that Leo is trying to defend his philosophy at all costs, thus being arrogant?
  9. Where I can agree with you, is that I also think some people might follow him in a cult-like manner, believing anything he says. Blind following is dangerous with every kind of philosophy. But that's why he encourages people to read and investigate stuff for themselves. I get that he can come off a bit arrogant sometimes, like he KNOWS that all the things everybody else KNOWS are wrong. But hey, we don't have to believe anything, right? To be honest all this enlightenment stuff has been going over my head lately. I can't quite wrap my head around it (as you would expect with an a-logical thing right?) and I don't quite "believe" in it, but I'm open to the possibility. At the moment I have other, more materialistic concerns though. I liked his series about spiral dynamics, made me see the world in a different way and made me a more understanding and empathic person for sure. What I can say though, is that this man, maybe more than anybody else on this planet, has given me insights, stuff to think about and motivation when I needed it most. Some of his videos have been so helpful that they pulled me out of a minor depressive episode and pushed me towards acting and following whatever I thought was right at that time. I don't agree with all of his videos, but I like the character he shows on youtube and some of his stuff is really eye-opening. I don't know where I would get such topics on a regular basis. I don't know what kind of person he is in real life, but the person he is on youtube definitely changed my life for the better. Calling him a schizophrenic narcicisstic psychopath is a little far-fetched I think, but what do I know? It's a youtube channel after all guys. Don't make a cult out of it, don't demonize, don't make him a kind of political person, if you can get some value out of his videos and if you find them helpful then watch them and go on with your life independently. Just keep an open mind and think critically. Nuff said.
  10. Even though this page has evolved past the need of earning money (:D) I wanted to ask you guys (and girls) what are good, PRACTICAL books about earning money and financial literacy? I already started reading "The 4 hour work-week" by Tim Ferris, but it seems to me like it's first and foremost written for people who already work in well-paying office jobs and who are financially stable, but want to have more time to enjoy life. I am a student of Social Work, living mainly off of welfare money and earning a little money on the side by working at a children's home on minimum wage and delivering food for a Sushi restaurant once a week. I'm looking for practical tips and quick methods of earning a little bit of extra money online, through stocks or crypto-currencies etc. and/or passive income, as well as some methods to build a mini-business of buying stuff and selling it again. I don't want to become rich off of that, I just wanna earn like 300-400 dollars more per month. Secondly, I also want to understand the financial system better, but it seems like it's pretty hard to find simple-written but informative books on that topic. I already consider reading "Think and grow rich", "Rich dad poor dad" and "The richest man of Babylon". Can you recommend a book that's full of practical tips and insights? I'd love to hear your recommendations.
  11. It might, yeah. I remember that one part of it was about taking pride and being comfortable in yourself, which leads to not "needing" another human being in your life. Definitely worth a read
  12. I think you should do a little more research into this topic. Merkel did not decide to take them in because she wanted to help them and she is such a compassionate human being. The problem in a nutshell is just that taking refugees is a German, European and pretty much humanitarian duty by law and countries like Italy, Spain and Greece, where refugees first arrive are at the brink of collapsing, so Germany had to take some too. Merkel keeping the borders open is an effort to keep the European Union alive, unlike Austria, Hungary or Britain who actively act against the EU as a unity of countries. Merkel is not some leftist politician who stands for political correctness and love for everybody. I'd say Merkel is definitely partially green, but mostly orange, strategic and practically oriented. She probably has a fair amount of blue as well, as she belongs to a conservative party and subscribes to "Christian" values. Green politicians (like people from the Green Party or the Left in Germany) would have thrown these values over board long ago.
  13. I was contemplating this question a bit today. Why is it that every other life-form seemingly realizes its potential and lives as nature intended it to live, while human beings have all forms of diseases and psychological dysfunctions, making it a life long journey just to become "healthy" and "natural"? What are your opinions on that?
  14. @Charlotte Actually, I don't think your body is craving protein. Protein deficiency is very rare and almost only exists among people who are starving in third world countries or among people with anorexia. The body does not really need a lot of protein and it generally doesn't crave it. If you eat enough and you're not hungry all the time, your body is probably not craving protein. What you can crave however is fat and salt. Meat is usually very high fat and the body literally craves for it, because just like sugar, it is ESSENTIAL to the functioning of the body, and the body needs relatively much of it, yet it is not very present in the food that would be easy to get in nature (like fruit or herbs). Also, meat today is full of spices and other substances which have a slighty addictive effect. If you have eaten this stuff for your whole life, it's natural that you have cravings. Even more if you found it really tasty. My advice to you is to not hate yourself for it and call the mind a "bastard". I know that feeling but actually the mind functions very well in this case. It does what it's designed to do: Provide stability and a sense of coherence. The decision to cut something out that was part of your life for many years is unsettling and scary to the mind, so of course it doesn't accept it at first. I eat mostly vegetarian right now and I didn't go "I'm going to stop eating meat now" and never touched it again. I ate meat a lot of times in between and it took me a while to actually make that decision. What I needed was a kind of shock moment, where I couldn't align eating (or rather: Buying) meat and fish with my personal values. At this moment, being a meat eater was not a part of my self concept any more and I could overcome it pretty easily. Maybe it helps you to find such a point. Otherwise, cook some REALLY TASTY vegetarian dishes, so you don't miss the taste of meat so much. You can do it!
  15. Have you actually found your values? How did you find them? Did you dig deep? To me it seems like the things you mentioned (girlfriend, millions of dollars, great experiences) are pretty much the things everyone is going for. They don't represent your true nature, they are just things that are considered good by society. I also know that these things tend to not be very motivating. What is it that you really want? Deep inside you. Another thing could be that you simply don't see the connection between your goals and your everyday actions. In this case, maybe you could try visualizing your goals more or asking yourself every day how exactly you are going towards these goals with your work/actions. Though, I think that the ideal will never be completely met. The ideal is only there to pull you out of bed. Reaching your goals may improve your life but I don't think they will make it perfect. Be aware of that.
  16. I don't think you will find any Trump lovers on this forum never heard of the other guy though.
  17. As I understand it, we are all inherently selfish creatures by nature. If all these things really "work" for you, I don't see a need to change them fundamentally. But then again, you wouldn't want to change, if you didn't feel some kind of need to do so. So what exactly is it you want? Why do you consider selfishness a bad thing? What would you like to change exactly? At this point in my life, I am striving towards designing a life like yours, but I understand that I probably won't be completely fulfilled by that. Maybe this is the time to take spirituality serious and get into that field? I heard that Leo has made a lot of videos about that stuff lately
  18. @blazed I'd love to agree with you, but at the time I'm still sceptical about this infinite reality notion. Interesting perspective though
  19. @Samra So you see it as a necessity? Like in order to evolve to a higher being, this suffering is necessary for the human being? Very interesting view
  20. @Eden Lol you serious? it is amazing though, you're a good singer. Ever thought about singing the chorus in a rap song?
  21. Leaving the spiritual stuff out, I think you're right. It's optional. However, your choice has to be well made. Is throwing something interesting like your life away just because of momentarily suffering really worth it? What if there is something more to life than it seems? When you're alive, you have an opportunity to find that out. To me, killing oneself seems like a cop-out. Somebody being so scared, so overwhelmed, that they don't even bother to look further. This life can be beautiful and I think we all know that. Also, our whole organism is literally made to protect us from harm. If one's mind is so twisted that it would rather go against human most basic instinct than put up with challenge, I think there is something deeply dysfunctional in his/her mind that should be resolved before making any quick decisions.
  22. Yeah pretty much. Of course not always, but especially when things go well I feel very excited and when I go to sleep I can't wait to start working again. I wouldn't call that addiction, but one problem I have is that I'm still attached to the outcome and get discouraged pretty quickly.
  23. Hmm I think the most practical tip would be to just try stuff out. Try a lot of things and you will notice what you naturally feel drawn to. Also your preferences are a good indicator. What do you like doing/watching/listening to/talking about? Btw I don't really think that everybody is a GENIUS at something. You are better in some things than in others, that doesn't mean you gotta be a unique talent at something. This comes only through working hard at your inborn gifts.
  24. @Jhonny As an introvert myself, I like jobs which leave space for your own initiative. Not just listening to or cooperating with other people but thinking for yourself and making your own decisions. Also it should be flexible and give you alone time to think and reflect. I don't think that there has to be a conflict in any job. You just have to execute the job in a way that incorporates your natural abilities.