I can't help but hate myself

[trenton]

I don't know what is happening to me. For some reason I am having suicidal thoughts and I can't help but feeling frustrated, sad, and angry. I'm not sure why I would want die.

I have been trying to combat this by staying productive. For example, I am working on a book about mental illness and society. I have a lot of good ideas and I have been spending hours doing research. Sometimes I get stuck. I end up falling into self hatred even when I am doing everything in my power to live a good life.

I tried hiring a career coach to help me find a career path outside of chess. This was my passion, but I feel unable to build the life I want. Sometimes I try to compensate this by pursuing importance. I am now looking into things like macro social work. I tried studying my chess books and it seems to have helped a little.

I have worked on a lot of trauma with my therapist already. The mysterious self hatred might end up driving me back to it. CPT coach wasn't really helping when I tried working on stuck points like I will never be happy or I can't love myself.

[Schizophonia]

what do you want ?

[trenton]

@Schizophonia I want to be a professional chess player, but I feel trapped in life due to not seeing how to turn this passion into a career. Apparently there are also musicians who have suicidal thoughts due to being unable to pursue their passion.

[Raze]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OiRcvRRNPI0

 

[ted73104]

11 hours ago, trenton said:

@Schizophonia I want to be a professional chess player, but I feel trapped in life due to not seeing how to turn this passion into a career. Apparently there are also musicians who have suicidal thoughts due to being unable to pursue their passion.

I am not sure about your situation and this is just speculation, but I'm guessing that your frustration is caused by not being able to get enough income from being a professional chess player. So your anger and frustration is based simply on not having enough income, your family and friends not being able to see your situation in a more positive light, and the overall feeling of accomplishing nothing due to not being rewarded enough by society for being a professional chess player.

I think it is basic human instinct that is making you feel this way. Do you think I'm pointing the right direction?

[Schizophonia]

13 hours ago, trenton said:

@Schizophonia I want to be a professional chess player, but I feel trapped in life due to not seeing how to turn this passion into a career. Apparently there are also musicians who have suicidal thoughts due to being unable to pursue their passion.

Don't try to make a career out of it, do it for free alongside a source of income.

 

[Schizophonia]

@trenton Observe the mirror effect: your positions, the words chosen, the way of articulating your sentences, the substance of your statements etc etc make us "want" to communicate with you in a cold/directing manner. That's what you call it.
You think you deserve to be spoken to coldly so you will manage to make that happen in the matter.

The fact that I'm telling you this is also a mirror effect on my part, I'm only talking to myself because I'm at a point where I'm conscious enough to know that I don't want to give the love that I would like to (theoretically) receive because I'm too attached to my current character lol.

Just my 2cs.

[meta_male]

16 hours ago, trenton said:

I don't know what is happening to me. For some reason I am having suicidal thoughts and I can't help but feeling frustrated, sad, and angry. I'm not sure why I would want die.

It looks a bit like trauma inside you got triggered by Leo telling you chess is not a career path, most likely linked to some situation you found yourself in as a kid where you felt like you were at the mercy of someone else's opinion.

[Schizophonia]

The more time passes, the less I bother doing (pseudo) psychoanalysis to avoid this loop and I just suggest playing Minecraft or something like that lol, the most effective/direct and energetically balanced form of love between the two parties. 

[meta_male]

@Schizophonia Yeah, that helps with getting you out of your head temporarily 

[trenton]

I know this forum means well by telling me not to pursue chess. I tried hiring a career coach to find an alternative path. We considered macro social work. I have been in this position ever since I went to college.

It still drives me crazy when I feel like a waste of talent. All of the success books I have been reading from the book list just reinforce the mindset that I have been applying to chess since before getting into personal development. Arnold Swarzenegger is just another example of this exact same mindset.

The problem is that most people can treat things like chess as a side hobby to enjoy. I'm not like that. I get enjoyment out of being competitive. Mediocrity is unacceptable to me. Spending a thousand dollars on chess courses simply does not compute with a low level ambition. 

[trenton]

@meta_male Leo and other members of the forum insisting that I don't pursue chess triggered feelings of depression.

the only Two times I felt at the mercy of someone else's opinion was going to college due to pressure from my family or my mother refusing to evict her abusive boyfriend who stole my money.

[trenton]

@Schizophonia I think my misery is my fault for not playing in enough tournaments or practicing enough and instead trying to build an alternative career that will never make me happy.

[trenton]

I think it is my fault that I am not already a professional chess player. It is easy to blame myself for not trying hard enough, not going to enough tournaments and not practicing enough.

In my defense I was getting back into tournaments but as soon as I did covid hit and shut everything down. I was working at a grocery store that whole time.

[ted73104]

From what you've shared, it seems like you believe you're destined to be a professional chess player. You're frustrated because you have not been able to achieve your sky high expectations yet. Please tell me I'm missing something.

[Schizophonia]

7 hours ago, trenton said:

I think it is my fault that I am not already a professional chess player. It is easy to blame myself for not trying hard enough, not going to enough tournaments and not practicing enough.

In my defense I was getting back into tournaments but as soon as I did covid hit and shut everything down. I was working at a grocery store that whole time.

It's just a fu***** game, a way to pass the time in the material. No one cares about you and your life, stop believing that it has the slightest importance.
Btw in a few decades and maybe even days/months/years depending on your bad luck you will die and all this will disappear.

 

[meta_male]

@trenton Forget life purpose and grinding when you're feeling depressed. Sometimes it's important to do the counter intuitive thing and slow down. Step back and get into the present moment. From there you're more creative and will find ways to get to where you try to work towards or find alternatives that are even more aligned with your values. Just give it enough time.

Edited January 26 by meta_male

[Zigzag Idiot]

 

The book Soul Without Shame, alone I found valuable in regard to self-hatred.

As well as Red Hawk's book - Self  Observation; The awakening of Conscience.

Good luck.

 

[trenton]

@ted73104 I honest to God worry that nothing else in life will make me happy. I have never been happier than when I was in a hotel alone preparing for my next game. I don't know how to find the same happiness in any other field.

Sometimes I hate myself for failing to do something which is nearly impossible, that is turning chess into a career. This follows the same problem as not living up to my potential and wasting my talent. Sometimes I manage to get this to stop, but only temporarily. I end up picking all of this up again.

[trenton]

I don't know to what extent autism is the problem but I have this condition.

I wish I could stop being at war with this aspect of myself. I'm unable to find a permanent to this problem.