This boring place makes me so frustrated and depressed I put its poiso in my mouth

[at_anchor]

I have to take some pics of it and show you but I'm afraid. Maybe tomorrow or another day.

I am now trully mentally ill thanks tobad society members, evil people and bad family members who judged me so in the past when I was normal. It is disgusting what they made out of an innocent child. What monsters and devils. They pretend to be the sanest of all insociety when they are the worst of all. 

I beg God to save me from them. I'm left with them! All alone! Help!

[Raze]

Get ifs therapy 

[Leo Gura]

Sorry to hear that. You need to work on making yourself independent of them financially.

[Hello from Russia]

Yeah, we know what it's like, bro

[vibv]

I feel you. Sending love <3

It's possible to leave that behind.

Edited September 29, 2023 by vibv

[Reignforest]

I agree with Leo's suggestion. Financial independence is key. But this may look different for everyone.  I had to be homeless twice, living in the woods out of a pick up truck for years. Supplementing what I couldn't afford with hunting, fishing etc.  Getting skilled in the construction trades allowed me to have a small farm with chickens, turkeys and sheep. But this was after 20 years.

 

Also look into the old world. This helped me realize that this place is not boring, and pretty much nobody knows anything about history or how to life should be lived.

[at_anchor]

On 9/29/2023 at 9:31 PM, Reignforest said:

I agree with Leo's suggestion

Me too.
 

 

On 9/29/2023 at 9:31 PM, Reignforest said:

But this may look different for everyone. 

I don't know. This may mean that I should find a job in or look for it in some other place where I have no shelter. This could be achieved for one to two years if I were given a cottage and if I lived modestly on my savings. Maybe I would just have to change my citizenship or somehow move to another country (no way now) and earn money for treatment there. I don't even know how much more time I should stay dependent before I separate from them financially. It's technically impossible as long as I live under their roof, which is this entire land. They also have people who can influence, propagate or threaten abroad.

On 9/29/2023 at 9:31 PM, Reignforest said:

I had to be homeless twice, living in the woods out of a pick up truck for years. Supplementing what I couldn't afford with hunting, fishing etc.

Being alone in nature is something I love. But I won't be left alone, which is the problem. I can't starve in bliss and meditation if I amnot alone.

On 9/29/2023 at 9:31 PM, Reignforest said:

Getting skilled in the construction trades

Like welding, masonry, drawing and architecture, carpentry, plumbing and electrical equipment installations, I mean I am indecisive. 

But it's hardly possible for this enterprise, my life, to succeed because of them.

[Leo Gura]

@at_anchor Write out a plan and slowly start taking baby steps towards it every day. This will make you feel optimisitic and hopeful immediately.

Be patient. It will take time to ultimately break free. But just working towards it will give you great purpose and motivation. You don't need to be free to start feeling better. The worst feeling is when you have no plan and nothing to work towards.

Edited October 1, 2023 by Leo Gura

[at_anchor]

My plan is to learn Spanish on Pimsleur and improve my English, to read and write, and one day to learn a Germanic language with which I will be able to find a job if I suceed in getting a job offer and a permit. In this case I will be over 40 years old and will go through life lonely, downtrodden, rejected, without much happiness, unless I manage to develop the habit of meditation. Hopefully nothing will go very wrong. When I finally get independence in one of the Germanic countries, I will strive for healing and success, maybe even for love. I will grow old and travel Europe, I will die alone, on a beautiful beach or in a room from "Dignitas" in Switzerland.

Alternatively, I could aspire to marry well and tell my wife "Let's shake it till we make it" and get a European passport with which I could then work in some Germanic country on a construction site and thus gain my freedom. Of course, this is pure fantasy. They will stand in my way and make sure that I never get well in my life, that I never achieve financial freedom, etc.

I know how I could be a successful father who makes successful grownups, but I would be shocked to find out that I had created monsters like these people I fear. I don't want to make monsters and I really don't know how to make good people. I guess you are born good or you are born evil. But I also don't want my children to end up as victims of other monsters.

Every woman wants children. Each woman will easily surrender to their charms, numbers and power. There's no way I'll find a wife, as pathetic as that sounds, it sounds exciting to me. There is no way for me to fit into society and reach a decent economic and social position. I can only fight the feelings of injustice and jealousy until I learn enough and if I'm lucky, move away from here forever. I'm not valuable enough on the dating market here, and I'd be even more worthless abroad.

Mental and physical weakness is getting bigger and bigger. I am afraid that in the end there will be no hope, as my body is exposed to great danger. I'm not paranoid and I'm not hallucinating. Sometimes I make mistakes in analyzing a persons character or a social situation, but sometimes I regret that I did not listen to my fear and that I did not avoid the blows that I predicted were coming.

Of course getting married has great costs, but it has so many benefits for me as well.

This is the only plan I can come up with and it is the best there is. It means I must stay dependent and at their mercy for years. There is no way that these managers will sustain my financial independence here with all the conspiracies going on around here and all the stunts or pranks aimed at deceiving me and others into breaking bonds, starting wars, etc. You have to belong somewhere and be firmly fixated in there so that nobody can break into your life and steal intangible stuff from you or poison you.



@Leo Gura thank you very much. I'll be fine in another life, most likely. Maybe it is really bad karma that I gathered in previous lifetimes. That would explain it if I were to start believing in karma from previous lifetimes. I mean, I don't understand who I am as a mind, what differentiates me from all the other minds and how was I created like this in the first place by my own initiative, not by circumstances, cause then there is no Karma if everything is so entertwined, then maybe, I might be suffering someone elses karma. Okay, now I don't know what I'm talking about, cause I don't understand Karma and God enough.

The point is, thank you, I will try making new plans as much as possible in writing from now on. You gave me a good idea. How didn't I think of that before.

I don't need to have deal-breakers like job opportunities or romantic relationships for learning a new language right now, because it is as highly unlikely that I'll find a job in Germanic states as in Spain in the next 20 years and hopefully I don't become very sick until then to not be able to move, while relationships are very difficult to sustain without getting your finances in order in the first place.

I'm hoping to learn some math and open up opportunities for college as well. But that's hardly possible with a overburdened mind and a low IQ. Maybe I could find an hour or two for algebra practice almost every day of the week if I'm lucky. I don't really know where to start. Khan Academy isn't motivating enough for learning math. It demotivates me for some reason. Maybe it is the rating and scoring system, maybe the structure.

If I learn Spanish, maybe I'll be able to just travel there from Marocco as a tourist one day and stay for a short while, dating hot girls. No way. At least I'd see the architecture, culture, history, art, beauty and somehow grow internally, although to a limited extent. Better that than nothing. Yeah, learning German is more practical and traveling there might grow me even more, but I made a mistake and I'm not ready to try to fix it yet. I figured a way of writing as I listen to Spanish that makes my memorization process work, but it is still hard. Some people can just hear something and remember it. I require a bit more because my mind ain't as strong anymore.

Thank you again, thank you very much. Let's go Leo!

[Leo Gura]

@at_anchor You need to find a niche for yourself. Do lots of research so see what kind of opportunities exist. Your best niche is probably something you can't even imagine right now. But if you are openminded and do lots of research you will surely stumble upon something.

I stumbled upon life coaching purely by accident while I was doing pickup.

[at_anchor]

@Leo Gura I don't have enough energy atm. I'd love to find a niche, but it's really hard to do. If you can, give me 10 very good examples of niches that I could choose from. It can be in the construction, metal, economic, medical, sports, television, journalistic or political sectors. I'll look for niches during the day on Quora or something, but I don't think I'll find anything that will be as food of a fit as life coaching turned out to be for you. But I'll keep looking if I don't find anything the next day and the day after that. It's basically good that now I know what I need, some really unique niche that fits my strengths (??), talents (??), unique life conditions, what I love doing (like studying to grow and understand), etc.

This morning I meditated motionless and alone sitting cross-legged on the floor with blankets around me. I couldn't do it for more than 15 minutes, but I was breathing too fast and it was like shamanic breathing energy in the hands. It would have been much more difficult if I had opened my eyes. If I had someone tie me to a tree in the forest in a sitting position and bring me water, to sit there hungry for a month I might develop the habit easily after that. But I wouldn't have that habit even after that, because there wouldn't be a forest, and I don't know what else made it so hard to just sit in bliss for hours.

[Leo Gura]

8 hours ago, at_anchor said:

If you can, give me 10 very good examples of niches that I could choose from.

I cannot do that for you.

[Hello from Russia]

@at_anchor Dude, it's about the purpose if your life, your utmost authentic expression of yourself. Only you can choose it for yourself, otherwise it will be fake

[at_anchor]

@Hello from Russia You're right to the core, but I won't be able to get a niche in life, even if I find it.

[Hello from Russia]

57 minutes ago, at_anchor said:

@Hello from Russia You're right to the core, but I won't be able to get a niche in life, even if I find it.

Why? 

[at_anchor]

@Hello from Russia Well, I get less than 5 hours of sleep every day and I have problems digesting food for some reason. There's so many obstacles standing in the way caused by others. I mean, I can't believe people, my own family member can be happy for me having these health burdens that make me appear mentally ill, which I am now, but it is caused by the very people claiming to have helped me, or maybe not by them, maybe someone got bribed to poison me with something. I really don't know. Trust me, I never had problems like these, ever in my life. I can't live with them and I don't want stupid sleeping pills like xanax.

[at_anchor]

"Mental illness could be induced either directly by insulting one’s brain with physical injuries and chemical drugs, or indirectly by means of torture, conditioning or more generally speaking by messing up with the subject reality testing over time." --Paolo Abate (Quora: Can you make someone mentally ill?)

[at_anchor]

Because people are trying to discredit me and show the biggest liar who has hurt me physically in life and helped them destroy me to show him as noble and good and benevolent and loving towards me, whike poisoning me and trying to bring me into a state from which I'll attack someone for a good reason but without proof so that they can cut me dry, as though they already haven't. They want to make me commit suicide, but not to die. They want me to hurt myself hard, to be hurt and in pain. It's hard. My life.

[at_anchor]

It's quite simple, my life is unsustanable on this planet. In this country. I spent so much time listening to a noble guy here when I should have been following politics here. Reality here is very corrupt. People are so bad you wouldn't believe it, the most successful people here are the worst human beings, but then they have unsuccessful ones do their dirty work. 

[at_anchor]

It's fucking ridiculous to be morally stage blue and green, to open up, to be openminded. I wish I was the opposite. Then I'd at least be safe and sound.