Broke up with a narcissist after five years.

[Mileyofpink]

Hi! So, I'm a little uncertain what's the procedure here for sharing and if this message is acceptable for the community, If not please do let me know.

 

I wanted to share my story and hear from the people on this forum about their thoughts.

 

Since grade 10th I've been involved in relationships with what i believe to be toxic guys. I had a lot of confidence and energy but in almost 7 years (2 and then 5 with someone) I had completely lost myself. All my confidence and energy towards life. My ex would constantly speak in a condescending manner whenever I shared something, tried to make it seem he always knew better and that none of my accomplishments were a big deal. He would abuse me almost every week. But I was so attached that my mind completely suppressed the toxic behaviour and remembered the few good things he had done. My mind would highlight his qualities while he exaggerated my flaws. And that became the "power dynamic" between us. 

I finally realised he does not love me and i broke up. A few days after I connected with some old guy friends he had made me cut off from and somehow he found out. He abused me again over and mentioned that i was a cheater and wasted his five years.

 

Despite the abuse I feel the need to tell him that he believes wrong and that I'm not a cheater and I did love him with all my heart.

 

I feel i could do that as we are anyway parting ways and won't ever connect again in life. 

 

Should I send a heartful response and then get on with life or should I just let this go and never contact him again?

[integral]

The future will be better then your able to imagine right now. 

With time the wounds will heal and you've learned to be more selective with the guys you allow to be apart of your life, this is key.

How are you going to select them better next time? What is the root cause that you tolerate a bad relationships with out breaking up early? 

[Mileyofpink]

Thank you for your response. It's helpful.

[RendHeaven]

2 hours ago, Mileyofpink said:

should I just let this go and never contact him again?

Yes

[HMD]

2 hours ago, Mileyofpink said:

I feel the need to tell him that his beliefs are wrong and that I'm not a cheater and that I do love him with all my heart.

There is nothing to prove him my friend. Seriously. He doesn't mean shit. You might be dependent on him to validate your thoughts and beliefs for eg: "I'm not a cheater and I did love him with all my heart.", once you realize this, you'll be able to see that you need to develop more autonomy and become a badass!

2 hours ago, Mileyofpink said:

I finally realised he does not love me and i broke up

You made a great decision. Being loyal is not synonymous with being stupid. 

 

2 hours ago, Mileyofpink said:

Should I send a heartful response and then get on with life or should I just let this go and never contact him again?

Let him go. It will be uncomfortable and you will have to face the unknown (Something you might have been running from), but it will be an adventure. You'll love it. 

[NoSelfSelf]

Narcissist cant see that he is in wrong, because he has so much shame in him that he must resort to gaslighting,shaming,blaming,being a victim etc.

[Leo Gura]

Stop contacting him! You're never gonna convince him of anything nor should you want to.

Go live your life. Stop being nice to assholes. Stop justifying yourself to assholes. You don't need their approval. Be independent of men.

Stop being so weak that you allow others to abuse you. Have more respect for yourself. You don't respect yourself enough. A woman who truly respected herself would have left this guy 5 years ago as soon as he started abusing her. You should value yourself too much to allow such things to persist. You need to really grasp this, otherwise you will continue this pattern with other men. And in fact your weakness and lack of boundaries will invite abuse. A man will never respect you more than you respect yourself.

Congrats on finally leaving him. Do not make the mistake of going back.

Edited April 4, 2023 by Leo Gura

[Mileyofpink]

Thank you everyone for your responses. This really helps. I've gotten some notes to further think about deeply. So grateful to be a part of this forum.