Green Flags (please I really need help with this)

[Tyler Robinson]

Just now, petar8p said:

Can you briefly describe your social exposure during your life?

I'm very bad at it. 

My Exposure during school - I didn't talk to anyone for the 12 years of my life. Teachers began to complain about me to my parents. I wouldn't talk. I used to remain completely silent. I don't know the reasons for this. Like I don't know why I didn't talk. It was medically abnormal. I used to talk to my parents though. 

I talked for the first time to a person when I was 13.

I began hanging out with few people when I was 14.

I went back into my shell when I was 18 because I developed very high social anxiety. 

I began taking meds for anxiety and started talking to people and improved my skills a tiny bit. I made boyfriends at the same time. Many boyfriends all toxic. Total boyfriends - 5.

I currently don't have friends 

 

I think the most number of friends I made in past 4 years is 6. 

These are just random people I met who I considered friends but they forgot me over time when they moved to other cities. They were mostly either online people or someone I met in university but they disappeared and I lost touch  with them. 

I have no social media. At one time I had Facebook but I made only one friend there who was my boyfriend. Later I deleted Facebook because I used to login once a year there so I figured it was useless. 

Recently I was diagnosed with autism a few months ago 

 

I was diagnosed with social anxiety disorder at the age of 10.

 

That's my complete history. And I had moderate child abuse that caused me childhood trauma from a controlling emotionally unavailable, emotionally abusive, hyper strict, judgemental,gaslighting, selfish, mean punishment oriented parent. I developed lying behavior as a coping mechanism to escape punishment from said parent. The parent had psychotic anger and control issues. That developed a lot of anxiety and shyness in me and contributed to my social anxiety and social withdrawal. 

 

 

[Tyler Robinson]

@petar8p

My brief history. 

I'm very bad at it. 

My Exposure during school - I didn't talk to anyone for the 12 years of my life. Teachers began to complain about me to my parents. I wouldn't talk. I used to remain completely silent. I don't know the reasons for this. Like I don't know why I didn't talk. It was medically abnormal. I used to talk to my parents though. 

I talked for the first time to a person when I was 13.

I began hanging out with few people when I was 14.

I went back into my shell when I was 18 because I developed very high social anxiety. 

I began taking meds for anxiety and started talking to people and improved my skills a tiny bit. I made boyfriends at the same time. Many boyfriends all toxic. Total boyfriends - 5.

I currently don't have friends 

 

I think the most number of friends I made in past 4 years is 6. 

These are just random people I met who I considered friends but they forgot me over time when they moved to other cities. They were mostly either online people or someone I met in university but they disappeared and I lost touch  with them. 

I have no social media. At one time I had Facebook but I made only one friend there who was my boyfriend. Later I deleted Facebook because I used to login once a year there so I figured it was useless. 

Recently I was diagnosed with autism a few months ago 

 

I was diagnosed with social anxiety disorder at the age of 10.

 

That's my complete history. And I had moderate child abuse that caused me childhood trauma from a controlling emotionally unavailable, emotionally abusive, hyper strict, judgemental,gaslighting, selfish, mean punishment oriented parent. I developed lying behavior as a coping mechanism to escape punishment from said parent. The parent had psychotic anger and control issues. That developed a lot of anxiety and shyness in me and contributed to my social anxiety and social withdrawal. 

[integral]

@Tyler Robinson

Red flags and mistakes to never repeat again. 

1. Hes interested in a long distance relationship. (avoid all online only long distance dating, only date local)
2. He tells you he loves you before any physical contact (exceptions for highly developed people where the meaning of love is coming from understanding and not a needy emotion) avoid needy emotional attachment forms of "i love you", literally if you have not had physical contact with this person and hes attached to you in any way and its long distance get far away from him. 
3. There is to much passion (hot sex and attraction) and early dependency (cant be separated) and not enough intimacy/friendship (shared values, interests, world views, lines of development...). Friendship is KING. 

These rules should be followed like absolute truths. 

Edited October 14, 2022 by integral

[Tyler Robinson]

6 hours ago, integral said:

@Tyler Robinson

Red flags and mistakes to never repeat again. 

1. Hes interested in a long distance relationship. (avoid all online only long distance dating, only date local)
2. He tells you he loves you before any physical contact (exceptions for highly developed people where the meaning of love is coming from understanding and not a needy emotion) avoid needy emotional attachment forms of "i love you", literally if you have not had physical contact with this person and hes attached to you in any way and its long distance get far away from him. 
3. There is to much passion (hot sex and attraction) and early dependency (cant be separated) and not enough intimacy/friendship (shared values, interests, world views, lines of development...). Friendship is KING. 

These rules should be followed like absolute truths. 

Okayish 

[integral]

@Tyler Robinson The only guys who enter purely long distance relationships only online are low quality men that can’t get women, the majority are incel types with deep insecurities. 

Needy men with no options seek these kind of relationships. 

Edited October 14, 2022 by integral

[Tyler Robinson]

@integral

And I HAVE social anxiety.

I cannot even look into a guy's eyes when he talks. 

 

[integral]

6 minutes ago, Tyler Robinson said:

@integral

And I HAVE social anxiety.

I cannot even look into a guy's eyes when he talks. 

 

I understand how you feel, I was like that my whole life and still struggle with it and have autism, but the rules still remain true. You don’t wanna date anyone like you, you wanna date someone fully developed! And you’re not gonna find them without seriously challenging yourself to go outside your comfort zone.

We get the work we put into it and nothing more. I worked very hard to develop social skills and to go out and talk to people and to go on physical dates where I had to perform and put myself out there despite being seriously nervous and unable to function. 

[Jannes]

10 hours ago, Tyler Robinson said:

I'm very bad at it. 

My Exposure during school - I didn't talk to anyone for the 12 years of my life. Teachers began to complain about me to my parents. I wouldn't talk. I used to remain completely silent. I don't know the reasons for this. Like I don't know why I didn't talk. It was medically abnormal. I used to talk to my parents though. 

I talked for the first time to a person when I was 13.

I began hanging out with few people when I was 14.

I went back into my shell when I was 18 because I developed very high social anxiety. 

I began taking meds for anxiety and started talking to people and improved my skills a tiny bit. I made boyfriends at the same time. Many boyfriends all toxic. Total boyfriends - 5.

I currently don't have friends 

 

I think the most number of friends I made in past 4 years is 6. 

These are just random people I met who I considered friends but they forgot me over time when they moved to other cities. They were mostly either online people or someone I met in university but they disappeared and I lost touch  with them. 

I have no social media. At one time I had Facebook but I made only one friend there who was my boyfriend. Later I deleted Facebook because I used to login once a year there so I figured it was useless. 

Recently I was diagnosed with autism a few months ago 

 

I was diagnosed with social anxiety disorder at the age of 10.

 

That's my complete history. And I had moderate child abuse that caused me childhood trauma from a controlling emotionally unavailable, emotionally abusive, hyper strict, judgemental,gaslighting, selfish, mean punishment oriented parent. I developed lying behavior as a coping mechanism to escape punishment from said parent. The parent had psychotic anger and control issues. That developed a lot of anxiety and shyness in me and contributed to my social anxiety and social withdrawal. 

I feel like if you had at least one very close female friend everything would be simpler for you. For one she would know you and could give you advice and second you would have a shoulder to cry on if stuff like this happens. We can try to help you here but a physical shoulder is a lot more comforting.
Maybe find some kind of social group where you can find people to connect with. Could be something as simple as yoga class. Some stage green activity where you can find people who have a lot of compassion. A lot of people look for and find friends through these activities. Even if you fear socializing you need to expose yourself. You can make radical improvements if you just do it. Just start with something simple. If it doesn’t work right away that’s fine, you will learn regardless.
A self help group could also be an idea. You could also use dating apps to find friends. I see a lot of people there that write in their bio that they are just looking for friends. Maybe these people aren’t well socialized as well but maybe it makes connecting with these people easier for you.

 

[Tyler Robinson]

 

1 minute ago, Jannes said:

I feel like if you had at least one very close female friend everything would be simpler for you. For one she would know you and could give you advice and second you would have a shoulder to cry on if stuff like this happens. We can try to help you here but a physical shoulder is a lot more comforting.
Maybe find some kind of social group where you can find people to connect with. Could be something as simple as yoga class. Some stage green activity where you can find people who have a lot of compassion. A lot of people look for and find friends through these activities. Even if you fear socializing you need to expose yourself. You can make radical improvements if you just do it. Just start with something simple. If it doesn’t work right away that’s fine, you will learn regardless.
A self help group could also be an idea. You could also use dating apps to find friends. I see a lot of people there that write in their bio that they are just looking for friends. Maybe these people aren’t well socialized as well but maybe it makes connecting with these people easier for you.

 

I want someone who I can trust. 

Every friend I made broke my trust in the most brutal manner possible 

I'm scared to make friends now 

 

I can't share my deepest secrets and feelings with anyone. People are seriously piece of shit 

 

Nobody gives a fuck about my feelings. Everybody is rude and judging. 

 

 

[Jannes]

40 minutes ago, Tyler Robinson said:

I want someone who I can trust. 

Every friend I made broke my trust in the most brutal manner possible 

I'm scared to make friends now 

 

I can't share my deepest secrets and feelings with anyone. People are seriously piece of shit 

 

Nobody gives a fuck about my feelings. Everybody is rude and judging. 

You look at the world through your traumas.
I don’t know what your friends did to you but you can have genuinely good friends. 
It’s just that it takes a lot of emotional energy if you really want to understand someone. 
If the first thing you try to do is to tell them about your traumas, fears and bad experiences then they will just want to run away because that’s a one sided relationship. And also most people don’t have that much of a need to express all of their worries because they already have ways to let some steam go.  
You can tell people about that in small chunks and that’s also important for a deep friendship but you have to do it in a matter where it doesn’t come across that you would just want them as a personal therapist. 

[Tyler Robinson]

 

1 minute ago, Jannes said:

You look at the world through your traumas.
I don’t know what your friends did to you but you can have genuinely good friends. 
It’s just that it takes a lot of emotional energy if you really want to understand someone. 
If the first thing you try to do is to tell them about your traumas, fears and bad experiences then they will just want to run away because that’s a one sided relationship. And also most people don’t have that much of a need to express all of their worries because they already have ways to let some steam go.  
You can tell people about that in small chunks and that’s also important for a deep friendship but you have to do it in a matter where it doesn’t come across that you would just want them as a personal therapist. 

Noting it down. 

 

[Tyler Robinson]

@Jannes won't treat someone like a therapist. Will tell them stuff in chunks 

 

[something_else]

I think that green flags aren’t really a universal thing. At least not like red flags. Green flags will be quite unique to you so it’s hard for others to point them out

It’s most important to focus on absence of red flags rather than presence of green flags, IMO. A well rounded person might not have any specific ‘green flags’ but they’re already beyond a lot of others just by having so few negative red-flag traits 

[Tyler Robinson]

4 hours ago, something_else said:

I think that green flags aren’t really a universal thing. At least not like red flags. Green flags will be quite unique to you so it’s hard for others to point them out

It’s most important to focus on absence of red flags rather than presence of green flags, IMO. A well rounded person might not have any specific ‘green flags’ but they’re already beyond a lot of others just by having so few negative red-flag traits 

Thank you. 

 

[Chrisd]

I like Leo's talk on how everyone has good intentions. I'm not an authenticity fan so can't help you there. Good luck!

Edited October 14, 2022 by Chrisd

[Tyler Robinson]

Ok?