How to get overcome the tendency to keep checking on your ex's life?

[Bobby_2021]

Me and my girl had only a 5 month relationship. She asked first, and I gave into it without much thought. There was nothing serious going on, but it was a lifeless souless relationship. We never truly felt the spark. 

Having gotten out of it, I felt a great relief and freedom and she probably felt it too. 

Iit has been over 3-4 years since we broke up. I decided to remain single for a while to get my life on track.

My problem is that I strongly feel a need to know how is she doing. I used to care like that once in a while. She is still my friend, but do not have any contact. I can't get her out of my head.

I do not want her back since we are not even slightly compatible. But some parts of my mind haven't yet come to terms with it. Also I wasn't always like this. I managed to keep myself engaged in college and career for 3 years and now I am at home taking a break looking for better opportunities.

I have a little more free time in my hand, but my mind keeps replaying all the memories I had with her. I don't feel like I am in control of my mind. It's a complete and utter waste of time I know it, but I can't stop it either. 

How do I come to terms with it? 

I would love to hear anyone else having similar experiences. 

[Sanguine]

Checking in a couple times a year isnt harmfull. If you feel the need now, just check ut. Of you have ut again in a week, you may want to do some soul searching, meditate on the feeling (try the focusing technique by gendlin) or write out your thoughts and feelings a couple of times.

[Bobby_2021]

6 hours ago, Sanguine said:

Checking in a couple times a year isnt harmfull. If you feel the need now, just check ut. Of you have ut again in a week, you may want to do some soul searching, meditate on the feeling (try the focusing technique by gendlin) or write out your thoughts and feelings a couple of times.

Thanks for the input. I probably restrict myself a lot unnecessarily. 

Also writing stuff down is an incredibly effective tool which served me pretty good in the past. 

Will make use of it. 

[Jacob Morres]

maybe i sound too spiritual but a trap could be that you're trying to get it out of your mind? zen teaches us that we cannot control what arises, but simply be its witness. in time it will pass as you continue to observe 

 

that being said ive been where you are i think. ive also had a gf where ive felt utterly incompatable, but i still had love for her. in time that shit gets weaker and weaker.

My guess! i think you havent not processed it as youve been focusing on your career. now that you have alone time i think your mind is finally noticing the stuff thats underneath -so it may just be an opportunity for healing

Edited September 9, 2022 by Jacob Morres

[Bobby_2021]

3 hours ago, Jacob Morres said:

maybe i sound too spiritual but a trap could be that you're trying to get it out of your mind?

I can confirm that it's definitely that.

Trying to foget her is making me into a mess. 

3 hours ago, Jacob Morres said:

My guess! i think you havent not processed it as youve been focusing on your career

That could definitely be it. Every time I start to process it, I am rushing through the whole situation.

But rewinding the past over and over again is painful.

[integral]

Get a new girlfriend

[Bobby_2021]

1 hour ago, integral said:

Get a new girlfriend

I know right. Distraction is the easiest solution and works the best for the short term. 

I decided I had enough for the moment.?‍??? 

[LSD-Rumi]

@Bobby_2021 What a strange thing to hear from giga chad. REJECT WEAKNESS, EMBRACE MASCULINITY!! 

[Bobby_2021]

12 hours ago, LSD-Rumi said:

@Bobby_2021 What a strange thing to hear from giga chad. REJECT WEAKNESS, EMBRACE MASCULINITY!! 

I am only human, afterall. 

[petar8p]

I blocked all my ex's Social Media so it's invisible to me. You can even tell her why you're doing it, honestly. Give yourself a process of 6-10 months to heal and rediscover yourself. 

 

 

[Bobby_2021]

5 hours ago, petar8p said:

I blocked all my ex's Social Media so it's invisible to me. You can even tell her why you're doing it, honestly. Give yourself a process of 6-10 months to heal and rediscover yourself. 

 

 

This was the better route in retrospect.

However I wanted to maintain good terms with the girl post breakup. This means that I will be seeing some of her content once in a while which might interrupt me moving on. 

[petar8p]

13 minutes ago, Bobby_2021 said:

This was the better route in retrospect.

However I wanted to maintain good terms with the girl post breakup. This means that I will be seeing some of her content once in a while which might interrupt me moving on. 

Best option for being on good terms in the future is putting her aside for a while.. 

[Loba]

I used to do this when I was younger, I would check up on old friends and relationships - I think it becomes more of a habit than anything else.  Like, seeing something hits a dopamine spike.  I recently checked on some friends a few weeks ago after not doing it for years and it gave me such a bad feeling.  I would just ween yourself off of the habit.  What made me stop was that I felt like I was looking into someone's life when I didn't belong there.  I mean, we would never reconnect, so what was the point in knowing what they were doing?  None.  I started to think about how I would feel if someone did that to me, it would weird me out a lot, and so I took how I would feel about that situation and applied it to them.  People generally don't like being watched by folks that they are never going to have in their lives again, most people want to move on.  When I stopped doing this, I became a much healthier and happier person.  I was no longer worried about them doing better than me, comparing myself or still having any feelings.  Now, I'll check up maybe once every three years, if that, for many of them, I probably never will again because I feel like such a dirty person for snooping.

I have a tendency to be someone who can get very obsessive like that, and so I have to take extra precautions not to allow that to happen.  I kind of have to force boundaries by putting myself in the shoes of the people that I am watching.  I know that no one likes that shit, it's creepy, weird, obsessive and especially for women, it can really make them feel unsafe.  We are given free access into people's lives through the internet like we have not had before, but we should try to take steps not to become obsessive or invasive, even if the options are there.  This is what good, healthy people do.  They let the people in their lives who have moved on finally get their closure.  Life is like this, people come and go, we aren't always meant to stay in one another's lives forever, and I see this happen with a lot of people, where they try to hold onto people that they should have let go a long time ago and this not only makes you look pathetic in some instances, but also mentally unstable.

I'm saying this as someone who, maybe five years ago used to chronically watch people's stuff just out of habit, it's not a good thing to do.  It is unhealthy, I hope my words have allowed you to move on from this habit.  Good luck.

[Bobby_2021]

@Loba Excellent Words. 

Everyone's inputs gave me something valuable. I appreciate it a lot.