Stuck in a rut "giving up" / dead inside / self-neglect. Advice?

[KoryKat]

Hi all, Kory here

Situation: I am sitting in my van 24/7 for months. Doordash enough to scrape by. Play Wild Rift on my phone until I can't. Watch an informative video that doesn't relate to bettering myself. (Such as Ukraine conflict or James Webb telescope, future trends emerging).  I save all the videos that I could learn to be better from on Watch Later.  

For lack-of-better explanation: It is like an invisible wall to the side of myself that seeks to be self-empowered. (Seems to me like multiple sub-personalities, and I actively dismiss going into the "Be All I Can Be" sub-personality.)   And I don't work on learning skills, working out, meditating , mindfulness, reading, setting goals and working towards them... etc.

I have deluded myself into productive procrastination most of life, and taking hardly any action... a dance of balancing myself between monstrous addiction to gaming, with a narcissistic way of believing in this Chosen One syndrome... that by learning all the answers to life, I was somehow going to escape my life of growing up. (Peter-Pan syndrome of an egotistical righteous maniac or something) 

This invisible wall thing seems to be what is the problem. I feel compelled to keep it a secret at all costs. I can not call somebody and admit it... even now finding words, it is like my subconscious is fighting against me.  My whole life it seems, has been the inner-war. 

 Everytime I find a way to break the cycle, the inevitable slip becomes an opportunity to bury it deep and never let it return.

Shortly about my past: I grew up in a stable household with my father who neglected me for playing games. I never had enough attention, so I became astoundingly bright (ENFP 7w8 personality).  Dropped out of college for raving and learning to pick-up women. Always wanted to write the book "Everything I wish I knew when I graduated school" ... but through my 20s, I went from super popular to being a ghost as Psychology led me to Philosophy and Spirituality where I became lost... annoying everybody to no-end ranting about Spiral Dynamics and Awakening... and its like , it broke me.  I lost every person in my life because I refused to change what I was was gonna talk about...  more and more, it was realizing I was vastly different from most others, a black sheep. I embraced being far-out at the cost of any social life.

So in summary,  I didn't grow up. That light of innocence as a child in awe of the world was a radiant star that finally timbered into a flame that died out up until now , I just feel paralyzed by this unwillingness to ... idk? self-accept? self-love? self-something?     I can't make friends anymore.  It is not that I don't have the ability, it is that it is a war within myself... and people almost never  'see'  me, and I can't deal with the imposter that isn't magnificent... It comes across a manic-narcissist and everyone rejects it... I know I have a big ego, I know it is manic-narcissist - but if that is all people are going to see, then to "Hell with them!".

And ALL THIS GOING AROUND AND AROUND.... I still am not doing anything to make my life into the way I want it.  I'm in this psychosis of war in my mind or something about being rejected for being awesome... while it is all like avoiding simple facts and reality... I don't do shit. I don't have goals or work on my life. I am a homeless bum using people's money to afford myself being useless to society. I do not have motivation.  I block out my desires for my dreams.  I've let it ruin me to having no social WHATSOEVER. I am blocked from imagining myself going and getting into social life (like finding friends with similar interests)...   

 

What happens is , I avoid being so frustrated at life that I go ballistic that I have to talk myself into reaching out for help, and I actively avoid following-up on this stuff, because for whatever reason I am like in avoidance to not being an insane person.   

Also: this is all intertwined with Cluster B Personality disorders (varying degrees from moderate to extreme throughout my life)

The troubling part is I'm wanting to kill myself instead of having a wonderful life, because of something I am trying to avoid some aspect of Self or something, and making things worse for myself seems to be my core drive. I do not know.   "have you tried Therapy" yes I hated it.  I associate "getting help" with pain or something...

ANYWAYS /RANT 

I love that Leo resonates with me to most of out gurus/mentors I've found, but WHY DO I TRY TO AVOID IT. I know I would love the community here, but I want nothing to do with people in some sort of fear-response. It drives me, thank you for all being here in this community, and without it  , I would probably lack any inspiration at all.

Warm wishes
-Kory

edit: tl:dr - It is a driving urge *not* to fix myself.  Now I've lost most everything I cared about.
 

Edited March 9, 2022 by KoryKat

[Loba]

Read this, start a practice of bhakti yoga and journaling to get rid of anything negative that is preventing you from opening your heart. ^

I'll be doing more notes in the future, to help people find this rare and long lost aspect of themselves.  This is your compass, your soul moves always in the direction of the divine.  When you can interchange your ego for your soul, you'll be good to go, just takes giving gratitude and Love outwardly towards All/God.  This clears the pathway.  You just got a little lost, that's okay.  Don't give up.
This teacher's advice does a much better job explaining it than I can, but if you lose connection to your soul, you can at times lose connection to your vitality.

I relate, I am just getting - this year - out of a mental illness, and am developing a daily routine to keep going.
Create a routine for yourself that honours what your soul wants - just little steps you can do each day, so you feel more aligned with your higher self.
Pray.  Give thanks.  Feel and search for the innermost aspect of yourself, a quiet voice in the back of your heart - that gives you that rare "aha!" moment, and follow it.  It's always darkest before the dawn.

A purely shamanic perspective on the soul. ^

Edited March 9, 2022 by Loba

[BipolarGrowth]

I would recommend starting on the most basic of things which simultaneously do not involve much emotional labor. 
 

Drink enough water to be properly hydrated (almost or completely clear piss)

Take a walk outside for 10-15 minutes per day

Meditate for 1-5 minutes per day (whatever you can manage) 

Watch 5-10 minutes of self-improvement content each day

 

You can continue the list with your own small adjustments you think might work. These are only to show examples of things that might work to improve things to a degree while still being not too difficult to complete. A small yet consistent positive habit can do a lot of good. 

[Matt23]

So, yoj believe you'll be "insane" if yoj get help?  Sounds about right to me.  

Is that true?

I'd spend some time each day or weekly digging up those beliefs and letting them go or/and challenging them.  

Perhaps asking things like "what fo i believe will happen if i do x?".  Or "If i do y, what does that mean about me?"   

Hopefully it helps.

[KoryKat]

@Matt23 no i believe I am insane and dont want to be "cured" of it. (I would like to be functioning, but I embrace the crazy through and through.) 

 

My belief is that this world has no place for me. I must of been 'born ahead of my time' or something it seems like, or I am an alien from Mars . I am extremely strange to both, conventional and unconventional people... 

 

@BipolarGrowth @Loba okay so ill try working on journaling and doing a checklist for a few daily routines + a bit more ... (Drinking water , take a walk outside, meditate)

 

It is extremely hard because the more I resist giving up and wanting to turn things around, the harder it becomes to do it... I can never seem to meditate especially, its like my Achille's Heel... The more i fight to get myself to meditate, the more my shadow resents it altogether and less I am able to do at all... And it just keeps getting worse and worse ...  Its like I have made it into some sort of PTSD like fear of relapsing into trying-to-be-all-I-can mode. 

Its like I really have a heart longing for going all into self-improvement, but over the years I have grown to rebuke it to where it is an inpenetrable wall now. Like in a fantasy movie where a person has grown exhausted of dreaming and it is all reluctance to answer the calling anymore. 

 

 

 

[Loba]

8 hours ago, KoryKat said:

okay so ill try working on journaling and doing a checklist for a few daily routines + a bit more ... (Drinking water , take a walk outside, meditate)

That's a good start, and remember it is okay to take a day off if it gets to be too much, just get back on the horse the next day! <3

It is extremely hard because the more I resist giving up and wanting to turn things around, the harder it becomes to do it... I can never seem to meditate especially, its like my Achille's Heel... The more i fight to get myself to meditate, the more my shadow resents it altogether and less I am able to do at all... And it just keeps getting worse and worse ...  Its like I have made it into some sort of PTSD like fear of relapsing into trying-to-be-all-I-can mode. 

I get it, I have a 'lot' of resistance, too and doing a new habit is very hard, but it does get easier!  And once you do the little changes, your whole day feels so much better.  Try even just one or two things that are small that will make you feel better about yourself and wake up the parts that feel dead.

Its like I really have a heart longing for going all into self-improvement, but over the years I have grown to rebuke it to where it is an inpenetrable wall now. Like in a fantasy movie where a person has grown exhausted of dreaming and it is all reluctance to answer the calling anymore. 

Quote

• That is why we insist on the psychic transformation as the first necessity for that does change the nature, and it's instrument is bhakti, surrender, self giving.
• The realization of the psychic being, its awakening and the brining of it in front depend mainly on the extent to which one can develop a personal relation with the divine, a relation of bhakti, love, reliance, self giving, rejection of the insistences of the separating and self asserting mental, vital and physical ego.
• The deeper the emotion, the more intense the bhakti, the greater is the force for realization and transformation, it is often through intensity of emotion that the psychic being awakes and there is an opening of the inner doors to the divine.
• The psychic being has to be surrender consciously and with more and more knowledge, the psychic aspires to the divine or answers to things divine - it is surrendered in principal.  But it has to develop its surrender in detail, carrying with it the surrender of all the being.
• Aspiration, constant and sincere and the will to turn to the divine alone are the best means to bring forward the psychic.
• Purification and consecration are two great necessities of saddhana.  Those who have experienced before purification run a great risk - it is much better to have the heart pure first, for then the way becomes safe.  That is why I advocate the psychic change of the nature first, for that means the purification of the heart - the turning of it wholly to the divine, the subjection of the mind and the vital to the control of the inner being, the soul.
• Always, when the soul is in front, one gets the right guidance from within, as to what is to be done, what avoided, what is the wrong thing or the true thing in thought, feeling, action.
• But this inner intimation emerges in proportion as the consciousness grows more and more pure.
• Let the sweetness and the happy feeling increase, fort hey are the strongest sign of the soul, the psychic being awake and in touch with us.
• Let not mistakes of thought or speech or action disturb you, put them away from you as something superficial which the power and light will deal with and remove.  
• Keep to the one central thing - your soul - and these higher realities it brings with it.

Sri Aurobindo - The Psychic Being aka Soul (How to find.)

To retain vitality, one must practice bhakti when meditating.  How to do this to start with:

• Look at something you find very beautiful - this is an example of alignment.  Everything is aligned, and beauty is a great reminder of this.  Sometimes people need to see the alignment in front of them.
• Breath deeply, focus on your awareness.
• Now send Love/gratitude/humility outwards - towards all of it, yourself, the world, the whole thing.
• This purifies and clears space for your soul, your vitality to come back to you.
• You don't have to focus on meditation, instead focus on sending energy out - literally reach for God.
• Practice this for however long you feel in the mood to do it - and also keep a journal and start a healthy routine.  Small baby steps are key.

 

Edited March 9, 2022 by Loba

[Ulax]

Internal family systems (IFS) therapy is what I'd recommend

[Cathal]

@KoryKat psychedelics and a lot of reflection in this situation. you are trapped in your mind and your life is just a reflection of it, and all of what you call these disorders is the beautiful way you've avoided feeling the deep pain of core loneliness - there's so many reasons why you go around in loops and end up somehow in the same situation, that is just a lack of understanding your needs and your attachments.

it's really all so simple in many ways but to boil it down you have to see just how dysfunctional your mind is, you need a strong direct experience of that. of course, you can start small, meditation, eating right, reaching out for help, beginning to create a routine and all that, but fundamentally there are forces at playing, things under the surface, that will drag you back down the hole as much as you try to escape.

it's like you're a kid and there's a monster in the closet and it terrifies you to open it but you never did open it so it becomes torture in the mind, but i think once you interact with people and allow yourself to say what you think and be what you are/feel - this noise will die down quite a bit

 

[jimwell]

On 3/9/2022 at 7:49 AM, KoryKat said:

The troubling part is I'm wanting to kill myself instead of having a wonderful life, because of something I am trying to avoid some aspect of Self or something, and making things worse for myself seems to be my core drive. I do not know.   "have you tried Therapy" yes I hated it.  I associate "getting help" with pain or something...

The problem is that you have a very strong aspect which is very self-hating or self-defeating. It's very strong that you even identify your whole self as that one aspect. This is a very difficult problem to solve because this self-defeating aspect is embedded deep in your soul and runs in the background of your mind. This is why you feel a very strong resistance when you try to do something good for yourself.

I think you should try to balance it out by developing the aspect of you which is self-loving. It must be there, somewhere in your soul. I have a small but powerful technique to help you do that. But first I need to clarify what love and self-love is.

Self-love is:

• Being kind and good to yourself

               You honor your desires and do things which serve you; you eat delicious or nutritious foods, you sleep long (more or less 7 hrs) and deep, you chase and bang beautiful women, you do self-actualization work, and you pamper yourself with a big pizza from time to time.

• Being understanding or sympathetic to yourself

               When you make a mistake, especially a big one, you don't condemn or punish yourself by judging yourself as dumb, bad, or evil. And you don't restrict your chance of succeeding or doing it correctly. You always deserve a chance. Why? For no other reason but you love yourself.

               You also try to understand why you made such mistake. You consider your external and internal situation (your beliefs, thoughts, and feelings at the time of committing the mistake). 

• Forgiveness

               It is connected to understanding or sympathy. It is easy to forgive yourself if you understand why you made a big mistake. You can even go a level higher. Even if you don’t understand for whatever reason why you are being dumb or made such a stupid mistake, you still choose to stop punishing yourself. You are still being kind to yourself, the same way you are being kind to that beautiful girl who captured your heart (might sound cringy ).   

• Having respect and setting boundaries

               You draw lines or set rules for how others should behave towards you, and you strictly implement such rules. Don’t allow others to insult, bully, or gaslight you. You should be willing to punish anybody who verbally or physically harms you. It is exactly similar to protecting somebody or something you love; a dog, computer game, or $1 million in your bank account. You nourish it. And you destroy anybody or anything which harms it.

• Appreciation

               You see and appreciate the good things about you and the good things you do.

Those are the essence of self-love. Contemplate them until you clearly understand them.

 

Then start a conscious decision to love yourself and be your own protector and cheerleader. There will be a very strong resistance, but you need to use all your energy and will power to resist the resistance.

1. Look yourself in the eye in the mirror for 30 seconds to 1 minute.

2. Say "I want to love myself." Yes, I'm bad, I'm this, and that, but "I want to love myself.

    Do this 2 times a day, preferably in the morning, and night. You might want to wash your face first before doing it, so you look better. 

You can verbalize it or just say it to yourself via thoughts so nobody can hear you. And throughout the day, pause or take a moment to say it (5 to 10 times without the mirror). Do this for a few years. You will know when to stop. But after 1 year, you will feel and see the result.   

    Don't say "I love myself". The resistance will be even stronger, and more importantly, it's a lie. It's better to be straightforward and honest, so say "I WANT to love myself". Also don't say "I want to love you". It's more direct and empowering to say "I", so say "I want to love myself".

 

That might look a very simple exercise or routine and you underestimate its effectiveness. But it works. I generated strong and stable self-love via that. It is via self-love that you naturally become connected to your desires and feel love and excitement for existence.

It's also good to have an alone time (1 to 2 hrs a day, at least 3 times a week) for contemplation, introspection, and appreciation. And find a way to implement the essence of self-love in your daily life. It's probably better if you continue your van life until you earn enough money to be able to afford an apartment. Don't go back to living with your family. And playing computer games is surely a waste of time and energy. 

Here is a thread I started which might also help.