Not Liking My Life Purpose Anymore

[mememe]

6 hours ago, ValiantSalvatore said:

feel any alignment towards my life purpose anymore, because I don't feel I can impact others. As they are way to dense with their ideas I consistently get that impression, it's as if radical openmindedness is just an excuse to believe whatever you want instead to shatter believes and biases and it's just about authority and status as well as skill.

i can relate to that, and this is a tough one. i had a life purpose on solving problems - although we live in a time where people sometimes rather find their own way or go their used way, than a good way, it’s a totally weird phenomenon. and i‘m the same i also tried to find my own way, with the difference that i wanted others to change, and i probably had impacts i saw as little after a while, or not apreciated, not many people need others anymore, not many people can give up a bit of control or apreciate. we are just loosing these things. or maybe they never existed really, maybe a lot of work has always resulted in minimal change, true openmindedness is rare, but it’s not impossible - maybe you really need to refocus your lifepurpose a bit and align it with a more realistic goal, regarding your circle of impact?

you see its also difficult to change oneself, it’s super difficult. best way is probably partially only helping people who really ask you directly for it (or even pay for it). for work-life balance you really need to find more open minded people then you can’t skip that part for change probably.

Edited January 28, 2022 by mememe

[ValiantSalvatore]

@mememe I don't think inspiring people is the way to go it's more about impacting people with it. Yes, one of my goals was to be a part-time meditation teacher at one point and offer guidance or offer it at a company as a certified teacher. I never thought about causing a revolution etc. Inspire millions I want to impact people directly in my immediate enviroment and gave them a good taste. So, all processes run more fluently I notice this often. It's like Shinzen would say people are on "auto" and more in alignment with acting conscious because I act conscious. That is basically it. 
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It's more about being a leader and I find it difficult sometimes to stomach my hyopcracy as well as my own level of self-criticsm. I am scared that I am not integrous enough. As I already meet people who are corrupted and it hurts and I want to do it in the technology scence as I believe people have very honest intentions, obviously it depends on the company etc.

[mememe]

34 minutes ago, ValiantSalvatore said:

it's more about impacting people with it

yes, impacting sometimes means overstepping their boundaries. its a sensitive field. because probably people get impacted…a bit. i see this with getting more sustainable for example, the first impact if i start exposing myself or someone else exposes me to a sustainability topic i can get very excitet, but i will be weak on the routine for it, if i don’t constantly expose myself, for a real change of behavior or full understanding i take sometimes years. i change my shopping behavior in the grocery store for example but not for the online shopping. its tough. always have to take it up again, and there is many of these topics.

i don’t know how you are impacting people to change, but i guess i can sense it’s not always rewarding (also in an uncorrupted way).

the meditation you‘d need to implement that as a routine - some might change after half a year some after a year and some never. but all would def profit from it, even if they are acting in the beginning. its not directly their choice so a lot of people show the same behavior than regarding school sports, probably. (i never saw how unrewarding the job of a teacher must be, until the moment i wanted to teach „something“)

Edited January 28, 2022 by mememe

[ValiantSalvatore]

@Leo Gura For me it's mostly leading/organizing people as well as software engineering I like to take charge and ask people for their problems and solve them as well as solve problems on my own. 

Yes, I did not have much success in life therefore I abort the mastery process very often shortly before I have success or smth. serious happens. operation, people die, other stuff. 

That is true I often focus on others, yet imposter syndrom is very common in tech. 

[mememe]

@ValiantSalvatore would you say it’s very close to this? where would you say is your cycle going different? (i‘m just taking up your input)

i mean for me it often does not get to positive feedback at all, it stops with relief - it’s a clear sign i‘m not in a constructive working environment, it’s not a deconstructing environment but a destructive one.

you could also say the effect of not getting positive feedback is the same as ignoring it or pushing it away - it’s like skipping the whole reward thing which automatically leads to self-doubt/lack of motivation which i would have to put between self-doubt and starting a new project. so might be i‘m projecting a bit, so you‘d need to figure out where it’s going different for you.

thanks by the way - you see people often take only what they think they need. it is not automatically rewarding.

Edited January 28, 2022 by mememe

[mememe]

in addition i wanted to say i also sometimes skip out on or even miss out on good constructive negative feedback, like case relevant feedback at all (which maybe sometimes limits my development) i am sure negative feedback is the same important as positive feedback if analysed for productive/constructive/deconstructive outcome, i mean any form of change in direction of better processes probably can be used in a constructive way. in some sense constructive feedback processes are in my opinion system relevant for positive outcome in all regards.

Edited January 28, 2022 by mememe

[ValiantSalvatore]

@mememe I don't know I would make the whole process more complicated since I don't think society has a good relationship with the word effort. Everyone wants stuff the easy way and I learned that when I put in the neccessary hours I get the results  that I want I do often push away and ignore positive feedback as it is just good and not excellent and my perfectionism kills me in a sense, even though I focus on the process and let go of the end result as much as I can. I do get more depression then anything, when I am like this basically for me the cycle is. 

Either overpreperation or procrastination disregarding effort, disregarding luck, positive feedback sometimes ignore and push away and sometimes accepting it. Depression because I don't feel I live up to my potential. Then worry starts again and the complete cycle.
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I like competent feedback I sought after it a couple of years back very often, yet I feel I exhausted this and often times I already know what I am doing wrong it's just during stressful times where I seek feedback when I am really lost on something. I still am in favour of feedback and receiving constructive postive/negative feedback. Some people just have more experience giving feedback as many like to feel powerful and useful / give value without considering the whole. So I feel it can be frustrating when asking for feedback and receiving it, sometimes it's also to utopian and demanding it really hurts to go through this process of correcting ones mistakes. 

Edited January 28, 2022 by ValiantSalvatore

[mememe]

@ValiantSalvatore you say you ignore positive feedback sometimes. how could you appreciate positive feedback more? regardless of how good your work is?

i sometimes realize how if i would put in effort i could create things others dream about buying/owning and how amazing that skill is - but i have a creative blockade because of overconsumption, i can’t find reasons why it should be better than what others construct. its totally bullshit and a lot of people would be amazed by small stuff i do. somehow i always feel it’s not good enough.

this is very deep rooted in childhood and a parent who never gave much words of appreciation. its totaly strange because the other parent gave plenty, you’d think it would be enough for two.

Edited January 28, 2022 by mememe

[Nahm]

@ValiantSalvatore

Does it seem as if you’ll be happier, more complete & whole, in the future… when you know, actualize or fulfill your purpose? 

[ValiantSalvatore]

@mememe For me it's very similar my parents always appreciated stuff that I did not like and barely gave me any attention when they came home from work for me the appreciation stuff it's okay I learned over the years to appreciate it and notice others really mean it and say thank you instead of down playing a compliment. The attention stuff is an issue as an introvert I need a lot of it in a sense to feel fufilled it also feels healing. Especially when it is not self-seeking only to get attention themselves. So, I run out of energy and become depressed when I don't get enough honest attention from non-toxic people or I don't meet new people. Then I need a lot of time alone also, I still have no idea how to manage that. A larger active friend circle would do wonders, yet I killed so many friendships thanks to personal development who were just to toxic in my eyes. I barely have contact with that group, yet it felt good. To be with them. Yet, as a whole they were more toxic and did not provide what I need, as well as when they did it in a toxic manner. So, it did not feel good to be around them, yet I was healthier I found new friends, yet they are also very busy. Now I have friends to do pick-up with which is good. 


@Nahm Yes, I feel a lot more whole, that is the feeling I feel the most as well as joy and passion, yet my injury and this dating stuff builds a lot of frustration as I felt a lot of joy and passion from working out and I can't do it as intense anymore, so it feels just as acceptance and maintenence work now without as much joy and passion, there is some still yet not as much anymore. I do make progress, yet I have a strong competitive nature that I want to get rid off or be more collaborative it's even better for pick-up. I do have a huge ego/personality etc. I feel more whole when I act on my purpose, I am just not satisfied with my result for years as I abort the process so often. Because of a lack of stimulation, being alone for to long, depression, death within my family, operation etc. Then I see others who barely have any issues and complain about their holidays etc. Then I question myself why do I read all of these books and take notes and change my behaviour etc. When nobody does it. Then a lot of shit talk and fakeness. As well as spoilled priviliged people it makes me angry, as I can't befriend these people, yet need social contact and vice-versa I meet the most spoiled and privileged people who are just kind and the complete opposite. It's funny. Yet it hurts I really want to get rid of my ego and do consciouness work this is where I feel truely whole, yet I also want to impact others with it and even talk about it as I am passionate, I just hate empty talks with people who do not even do retreats or are just curious. 

Yes, I feel more whole especially when I notice I have an impact or I am creating something of value to others and I do that from a conscious place I really love that feeling. The issue for me is positive attention and isolation for years now. Online-dating helped me a lot, yet I have so many friend groups I don't really have a place and I am never invited to anything, I have to consistently invite myself and people like it as I consistently keep my distance as I've been hurt by my old friend group a lot and I still get similar remarks, which makes it difficult for me to like humans. Even though deep down I love them. I always feel people like me, yet apparently not enough. Although I can invite myself basically to anything and they say yes. 

Even when I meet new people, some just come and straight up hug me and I don't even know why just from going out 3-4 times. It hurts a lot to be "diagonised as gifted" and have shitty parents who are to stupid to realize anything. They don't understand how much appreciation and affection I would have needed, now I gave everything myself through meditation and my own actions. There is still a strong feeling of hatred towards my parents for their egotistical boomer nature and their stupidity of decision making as well as their lack of communication. I did so much shadow work around this also. One guy recommended to me Corey from Integral Life I should stop as this becomes automatic and it did, I can't heal as a fulltime job. Yet, I can become secure enough etc. I really enjoy nice company and attention, as well as to share joy and enthusiasm, yet I can't do that when I am not closer in alignment with my purpose. 

The skill development part is what takes the hugest toll on me, as it takes 4-6h to really learn something when I code or to just get started and I feel very masculine afterwards. I love it, yet it does not help me with dating and meeting people so I subconsciously hold myself back. I don't have a remedy for this. To do everything alone feels depressing. When I know I get some stable attention I do a lot better. 

 

[Ulax]

@ValiantSalvatore Hatred or self hatred? Re your experiencing hatred?

[Nahm]

I would definitely use the emotional scale daily, and realize how you feel is about how you think about circumstances and people, and not actually because of circumstances & people. That might sound absurd or belittling, and I don’t mean it that way. It actually just works. Thought of judgment and knowing emotions like jealousy bring about clarity and dispel unnecessarily added resistance and clear the mind a ton, and much more clarity & focus is experienced. 

Quote

The skill development part is what takes the hugest toll on me, as it takes 4-6h to really learn something when I code or to just get started and I feel very masculine afterwards. I love it, yet it does not help me with dating and meeting people so I subconsciously hold myself back. I don't have a remedy for this. To do everything alone feels depressing. When I know I get some stable attention I do a lot better. 

Stable attention is the natural result of understanding the emotions. A lot of thoughts are about you, and feel off. When it’s understood what emotion is felt, there are naturally far less thoughts about yourself. 

As an example, and this probably sounds odd presently, but ‘skill development’ is a misnomer. You could just the same, have that experience of 4-6 hrs enjoying it & effortlessly absorbing it, without the additional thoughts about yourself developing skills. This leads to feeling great all the time, vs contingently upon accomplishments. The same is true about relationships in regard to feeling good about how one is seen, vs because one is good as in goodness. 

[mememe]

@ValiantSalvatore you also have non-pick-up friends?  meditation friends for example? yoga friends or IT friends? or just friends for nothing but talking? i don’t really see the purpose in purpose friends 

maybe foody friends, you meet once a week regularly for dinner? just to cook, talk and so on or skip the cooking for time reasons, not for process reasons. (doesn’t need to be the gourmet type of foody friends, but yet interested in spending quality time)

Edited January 29, 2022 by mememe

[ValiantSalvatore]

@Ulax Hatred it's more outward directed. Less inward I used to also have a lot of self-hatred, yet that is pratically gone now after retreats and inner work with positive visualizations and getting rid of negative believes. Sure there is some form of self-criticism, yet it's not outright hatred anymore. I generally feel more self-love and appreciation and joy when I think about myself.

@Nahm I generally feel well I focused a lot on feeling my emotions as this is one positive bias within my family. I know it's about how I think the first time I noticed jealousy I did a tong-leng practice IIRC this is written correctly and the emotion of jealousy completely dispelled I was happy for others who had more etc.. That does not mean that I can experience injustice and I perceive that correctly. I usually also do a gratitude journal which helps with appreciating what I have as well as what is.

6 hours ago, Nahm said:

As an example, and this probably sounds odd presently, but ‘skill development’ is a misnomer. You could just the same, have that experience of 4-6 hrs enjoying it & effortlessly absorbing it, without the additional thoughts about yourself developing skills. This leads to feeling great all the time, vs contingently upon accomplishments. The same is true about relationships in regard to feeling good about how one is seen, vs because one is good as in goodness. 

That is a very good reframing I dislike this culture of skill and woreshipping of skill and you are who you are  based on what you can do etc. This really feels crippling. I am not even thinking about developing skills then anymore and just doing what I enjoy doing. 

Thank your for that reframe. I will look at the emotional scale daily till it feels more grounded, I did not get around yet to building a dream board as I do have a vision board from Leo's course and I just did not get around to creating one yet.

I just started to experienced a lot of hatred when thinking about my life purpose and future as I notice how fking difficult all of it is and my life path does not make it easier. 

@mememe Yes, I do have friends in IT and "non-pick-up" friends as well as friends for nothing but talking, yet it's not enough and they are all mostly introverted, which sucks tbh as they can be rather self-involved. There is just not much happening if I don't go out as I can't move yet and the city is horrendously boring. Going out is the only fun part. I am not much of a foody type person I usually do this alone, this is a habit I have from solo travelling. It's hard to find good company when eating lol. I'd rather eat at a zen monastry as with "foody friends". Not always and still I feel more inclined to do that 100%. I won't find a person like this currently either, I used to have one friend, where we did this. As we both like asian food. Yet, I am out of the friend group basically and he is just ultra busy with his work etc. So, we can't really meet. He is also quite toxic, so I really dislike foody people. I am generalizing I don't mean it that way 100%. 

Edited January 29, 2022 by ValiantSalvatore

[mememe]

@ValiantSalvatore in most of asia eating alone is seen as toxic. in some countries more than others.

i thought more for the reason of spending time together. if you make it a rule to not eat any meal alone you are pressured to socialize much more. its oftentimes just a reason to spend randomly time together without any other reason than that, if there is shared interest good, if not, no reason to extend it beyond sharing food. i didn’t mean foody people as a label for food lovers, i meant it as creating an event where you meet randomly people + food benefits. its a practice to get more extroverted.

but i can understand if it is not your thing with the wrong people.

in general it’s difficult to meet others without reasons, isn’t it? its also difficult to do stuff outside without a reason or purpose, especially without consuming anything.

Edited January 29, 2022 by mememe

[ValiantSalvatore]

@mememe I dunno, I am not asian. I lived in Asia and I went out alone for food nobody really seems to care, although I get and saw what you mean. I have not been "shunned" in any way. So, I can't share the experience. At work in Asia I always ate with people it was rare not to as I had also good company.

I am working from home, so this is not possible usually I find a couple of people to eat food with. Yet, this raises completely different issues lol. Like cooking from home to save money etc.

I can meet others without reason. I just value my time, it's very easy for me to meet people without a reason. I am not stuck in rationality although I enjoy it. It usually just becomes boring without a purpose or anything to do. So it's usually more fun with a purpose/vision/reason. Usually not always. 

It's very hard for guy friends to just hang-out I have female friends who are more inclined to do that. Yet, for guys this seems to be as close to impossible as it get's. 

Edited January 29, 2022 by ValiantSalvatore

[Nahm]

7 hours ago, ValiantSalvatore said:

I just started to experienced a lot of hatred when thinking about my life purpose and future as I notice how fking difficult all of it is and my life path does not make it easier

There isn’t a me and a my purpose. This is the activity of thought. In large part, the discord felt is the not fitting of this way of thinking, because you are not that ‘separate self’ of thoughts. Purpose isn’t something a you has, sans, the idea of a you with a purpose. 

You are not two, and each occurrence of thought which coincides with the theory that you are / there is, a you has a this and or that, is discordant. Suppressing this leads to suicidal ideation, as the momentum of discord can become unbearable. Expressing this leads to, really is the actual intrinsic allowing of, happiness. The happiness that you are. The difference or relevance, is enjoyment of now comes first, naturally, intrinsically, without effort or need for any thought(s), and whatever activity engaged in, a distant second, and far more is accomplished, perhaps seemingly paradoxically at first, after much momentum to the contrary. 

Jealousy can be a tricky emotion in regard to thought, and how it’s thought about. Jealousy can be as simple as, jealous of people who are happy and not experiencing that discord at all. You might also consider, there are people with ample time & money, to do & experience what they want. 

Notice (in accordance with your op) this began with wanting to become conscious. Open-mindedly consider, this is not actually possible, and is actually a way of thinking (thoughts, really) which is most discordant, as you are already consciousness, which is infinite. This need not be realized to recognize this is what’s felt (the discordant thoughts) in regard to the momentum of the discord, and why it (those thoughts) leads to ideation thoughts. A discordant separative idea, which is a discordant separative ideology, leads of course to, ideation, and the intense desire to resolve this. But ‘this’ is only the activity of the thoughts, of a way of thinking about ‘yourself’ as the separate one with the purpose.  

Living and loving therein, is the purpose of living, and loving. Life is supposed to be fun. This is natural, intrinsic. Unless suppressed, with the activity of dualistic self referential thoughts (me and my purpose). 

Boredum can also be thought of in tricky ways, and can be avoided, when what’s actually experienced is the suppression or non-allowance of the recognition of pessimistic thoughts, which arise because this discordant way of thinking isn’t being seen, and the emotion(s) is / are being suppressed. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

@Nahm

20 hours ago, Nahm said:

You are not two, and each occurrence of thought which coincides with the theory that you are / there is, a you has a this and or that, is discordant. Suppressing this leads to suicidal ideation, as the momentum of discord can become unbearable. Expressing this leads to, really is the actual intrinsic allowing of, happiness. The happiness that you are. The difference or relevance, is enjoyment of now comes first, naturally, intrinsically, without effort or need for any thought(s), and whatever activity engaged in, a distant second, and far more is accomplished, perhaps seemingly paradoxically at first, after much momentum to the contrary. 

So, that basically is and means that what I experience now, is of utmost importance? What is discordant is supposed to be felt as a part that is part of a larger whole? If I'd reframe it in holons? Experiencing discordance/seperation for example thoughts and feelings of hatred, thoughts and feelings antagonism, thoughts and feelings seperation, thoughts and feelings of shame, thoughts and feelings desperation, thoughts and feelings of depression and apathy for example? Is that correct? Not seeing this as a part that is seperated, yet something that is me? Is a part of me and to not experience it as part, yet as something that is me, that is included, that is "part" of my being?

So, I express discordant feelings? Acknowledging it as a part that wants to be integrated/expressed/experienced? 
 

20 hours ago, Nahm said:

Boredum can also be thought of in tricky ways, and can be avoided, when what’s actually experienced is the suppression or non-allowance of the recognition of pessimistic thoughts, which arise because this discordant way of thinking isn’t being seen, and the emotion(s) is / are being suppressed. 

To sort of summarize your entire post is to not suppress negative feelings and to not think in dualistic terms that consciousness is something external, yet to be in the knowing realized or not realized that I am consciouness and to express discordant thoughts and feelings is that correct? 

Again to understand.

• I am my purpose there is not a seperate me with a purpose.
• I express my discordant feelings and thoughts to not cause suicidal ideation.
• I am consciousness there is no seperate me that becomes conscious.
• Expressing discordance leads to happiness that is the counter-intuitive move, no supression of discordant thoughts and feelings.
• To know, acknowledge and desire what I desire, to appreciate it and to see myself as the creator of it

 

To conflate this with Leo's teaching and my understanding of things having read and studied this stuff to some level. Is to experience and not to deny my current level of experience and feel discordance as well as to focus my thinking and feelings and align them both. To what I desire, to acknowledge what I have and to focus on my creation. 

Is that correct as a summarization of your post and the emotional scale? 

Edited January 30, 2022 by ValiantSalvatore

[mememe]

8 hours ago, ValiantSalvatore said:

So, I express discordant feelings? Acknowledging it as a part that wants to be integrated/expressed/experienced? 

if you would ask me i‘d say yes + integrated/expressed/experienced/exchanged/changed for a better process. you probably are able to work on processes so why not use it to your advantage sometimes?