Accepting your partner is on a different life path

[Lyubov]

Basically my girlfriend and I are deeply in love. We have been through a lot and are constantly growing together. We have helped each other a lot. The thing is she very likely will have to relocate for work to a different country. It's in her contract and the borders have just opened again. I'm not sure our relationship will survive this one. I'm not really sure I wan't to do long distance and move with her. I'm open to what happens so I'm not trying to think about it too much. It just hurts knowing this is looming in the next couple months. Any advice or support during this time of struggle would be greatly appreciated. 

[tsuki]

That's tough, I'm sorry that you're suffering.

[Lyubov]

48 minutes ago, tsuki said:

That's tough, I'm sorry that you're suffering.

Thanks... we talked about it some now and some tears came, we feel so deeply connected. I'm just not sure what will happen. I'm not sure I am prepared to move with her either. I don't feel comfortable asking her to quit her job to stay here. Not sure if she can change her contract to stay here. She has suggested it before so I may follow up on that. I'm not taking anything off the table or gonna make any vows to myself like I won't do x or y. Just confused and not sure.

[gettoefl]

let the bird fly away and be free if they ever come back maybe it's meant to be

[tsuki]

5 minutes ago, Lyubov said:

I'm just not sure what will happen

You don't have to know how things will turn out in order for them to turn out the best possible way.

5 minutes ago, Lyubov said:

I'm not sure I am prepared to move with her either. I don't feel comfortable asking her to quit her job to stay here.

There is no shame in communicating your needs clearly, even if it seems scary. She can say "no" and it does not invalidate her feelings for you. The world is not a binary choice, as the ego-perception colors it.

5 minutes ago, Lyubov said:

Just confused and not sure.

That is a very important observation. Let it sink.

Edited November 8, 2021 by tsuki

[Zeroguy]

She must bring not just look but some qualities with herself.Easy to accept then and vice versa.

[Lyubov]

52 minutes ago, tsuki said:

You don't have to know how things will turn out in order for them to turn out the best possible way.

There is no shame in communicating your needs clearly, even if it seems scary. She can say "no" and it does not invalidate her feelings for you. The world is not a binary choice, as the ego-perception colors it.

That is a very important observation. Let it sink.

Hmm, thanks for the support  I can communicate how I feel and what I want but also the other side about how I don't want to move. Trust the process. I don't have to know everything. It's ok to be confused sometimes. 

53 minutes ago, gettoefl said:

let the bird fly away and be free if they ever come back maybe it's meant to be

"Some birds aren’t meant to be caged. Their feathers are just too bright and when they fly away, the part of you that knows it was a sin to lock them up does rejoice, but still, the place you live in is that much more drab and empty now that they’re gone."

- Ellis Redding (Portrayed by Morgan Freeman) 

Edited November 8, 2021 by Lyubov

[Lyubov]

Has anyone here been in a similar situation? She will be relocating in January. I saw her today. We didn’t really dive into it. Just talked about what she will do when she is there. It was a very painful meeting with her but there was zero conflict, just a feeling of love for each other, she was very feminine and caring. I held back so many tears. She commented how I seemed sad and anxious. I didn’t feel like it was an appropriate time to dive into the sadness with her, just enjoy our evening and be in the present. I can tell she subconsciously knows this is likely the end of our relationship but she doesn’t wanna focus on it. She’s kinda stopped being practical and suggesting I look for a job in the same company which I have no interest. She’s moved on to sweet jokes about packing me in the suitcase. I’m honestly broken and in tears. Crying nonstop when I’m alone in my flat. This will be a really hard two months but I hope I grow from this and come out a more loving and stronger man. 

Edited November 9, 2021 by Lyubov

[tsuki]

@Lyubov I read your journal entry, and I was wondering why don't you consider moving with her?

I don't know why that occurs to me, but maybe you could consider the possibility that you don't just love her and you already miss her, but that you actually need her to stay for some reason. 

[hyruga]

You are the guy. You have to work for it to make it work out. The girl will be waiting for you to take the necessary action.

Edited November 10, 2021 by hyruga

[Lyubov]

6 hours ago, tsuki said:

@Lyubov I read your journal entry, and I was wondering why don't you consider moving with her?

I don't know why that occurs to me, but maybe you could consider the possibility that you don't just love her and you already miss her, but that you actually need her to stay for some reason. 

I'm actually considering it. Nothing is tying me down here. We are going to discuss it. She isn't even that passionate about this job. Money isn't a huge issue either, in fact we will have more free time where we are now. I'm going to try and discuss it over with her. Her flat lease is up this month. I am going to tell her I want to get a place with her here but will also consider moving with her.

6 hours ago, hyruga said:

You are the guy. You have to work for it to make it work out. The girl will be waiting for you to take the necessary action.

Agreed, and also she told me she really trusts my direction (she said even more than her own when it comes to rationality, clarity, planning and stuff of this nature) so I have that going for me. She also told me she has never loved anyone more than me. We are both deeply in love and committed. This isn't a matter of one side not being interested, we both genuinely want to be together. I haven't given up on us. I'm going to work it out with her!

Edited November 10, 2021 by Lyubov

[Lyubov]

She was very emotional about it and she seems incredibly steadfast on not quitting. She has made them wait for over a year and she really respects them. I just feel at my limit with this. I don’t think I can convince her to stay. She hates it here in the country we are in. She completely broke down about that and she is holding onto hope she can escape from here. It’s very hard to settle with someone when they hate the place you both live so much  She feels this is an opportunity to leave and she isn’t ready to let that go it seems. I’ll see if this changes or not. I’m exploring opportunities to move with her but tbh I feel the same as her. I like where I am and it took me a long time to finally be able to move around and make my dreams come true moving abroad. I don’t want to give up what I have here  This just feels like a nightmare, but I can’t lose hope. I have to be strong. I allow myself to do my best and trust life during these hard times. 

[tsuki]

@Lyubov What is it that you have here that you won't have over there? Why is it a me and my accomplishments vs my romantic happiness situation?

[Lyubov]

11 hours ago, tsuki said:

@Lyubov What is it that you have here that you won't have over there? Why is it a me and my accomplishments vs my romantic happiness situation?

These are some important questions to ask myself. I think I could end up writing several paragraphs following each thread that sort of comes up when I begin to answer these two. I think materially I am more happy where I am. Also the part of me that likes feeling separate and single feels better where I am. That is the part that is sort of painful to accept. That part of me still wants to be single and sort of keep my heart closed off from the relationship. I find us melting into each other. We work so well as a "we." But then knowing there is this barrier for us to overcome strikes some nerves in me and I see I have my own barrier about this to overcome as well. I lost a parent when I was young so it has been pulling at that early trauma. Part of me has been closed off from fully loving deeply and I find myself oscillating between wanting to be separate from her then to wanting to be with her and loving her deeply. The separate part can be summarized as protecting myself/heart, closing my heart to her, have the benefits of being single, maintaining my lifestyle here, the stability I have here, feeling like I'm losing her and feeling scared and despair and like I'm with her out of fear/pain and that it's not good to have a relationship based off avoiding that, etc. I then swing over to loving her, leaving my comfort zone when it comes to how intimate I can be, feeling there is something greater we can work towards, how healing and good this relationship is for the both of us, how we are so lucky to be as loving and vulnerable as we are with each other, deep love, feeling sort of boxed in as well, like I'm settling and want to still play the field, feeling how amazing she is and how much we have grown together, basically feeling I'm the luckiest man in the world to have her and be so deeply in love with her, etc. As you can see there are sort of positive and negative feelings/beliefs to each side. Add on top of that a feeling of having to rush to figure it out and not having enough time. I'm ready to get off this carousel of despair and make decisions from a place of clarity, self love and presence. I know we will be better off as well if I can keep my presence and stability when working through this. 

Edited November 13, 2021 by Lyubov

[tsuki]

@Lyubov I would like you to give deep consideration to the possibility that you are not just reacting to a loved one being on a different path, but having a traumatic response to losing a parent. Loving her securely would mean that you would let her go, or go with her, whatever your heart desires. Love is clear, open and connected. What you have here is a lot of thoughts, confusion, and fragmentation.

I cannot tell you what is right for you, but I can give you some suggestions where to proceed. First of all, the Universe does not give you lessons you cannot handle. Please do not act out of fear, jealousy, or immaturity. Perspective is essential. Imagine you would die tomorrow. Would you regret staying here, or coming with her? You are going to die Lyubov. What kind of life do you wanna live? What is the best thing for you to do?

[Lyubov]

22 minutes ago, tsuki said:

@Lyubov I would like you to give deep consideration to the possibility that you are not just reacting to a loved one being on a different path, but having a traumatic response to losing a parent. Loving her securely would mean that you would let her go, or go with her, whatever your heart desires. Love is clear, open and connected. What you have here is a lot of thoughts, confusion, and fragmentation.

I cannot tell you what is right for you, but I can give you some suggestions where to proceed. First of all, the Universe does not give you lessons you cannot handle. Please do not act out of fear, jealousy, or immaturity. Perspective is essential. Imagine you would die tomorrow. Would you regret staying here, or coming with her? You are going to die Lyubov. What kind of life do you wanna live? What is the best thing for you to do?

Yep, you nailed it. I am very acutely aware that there is this wound being touched below it that is reacting. I actually have a pretty wide variety of tools in my toolbox and I’m in the process working through what is bellow it at the same time as this life lesson is being presented to me. So I know that whenever I get those red light feelings to process them in small chunks and make decisions from a place of presence and that freeing feeling of love.

This is why I feel like following the more freeing emotions and leaving my comfort zone and this sort of icky feeling that is around if I stay. I realize there is way less keeping me here materially than going with her. I have that luxury. I also felt the same wound being touched before and I followed my heart and great healing came to me from deciding not to follow the same feelings that are telling me to stay. We went through this before on a lesser level and I was brave and faced this fragmentation and that feeling of fear that wanted separation. We came out incredibly strong. I feel like this life lesson is being presented to me so I become less attached to wanting separation and a closed heart. I know it isn’t the end of the world if I go with her for a few months and we see how it works out. She even said she doesn’t want to go forever, to go and see if she likes it or not.

I tend to not have many regrets actually. I’m quite happy about that. I have only a few. I know if it doesn’t work out I could still come back. That I would still have traveled to a new place and had a new experience. I can’t say going with her would be some huge regret. I feel like I would regret it if I let her go and closed my heart back down.  

Edited November 13, 2021 by Lyubov