LSD God Realization Update- The dark side of God Realization

[tlowedajuicemayne]

A few weeks ago I posted about my recent LSD experience in which I had God realization for the first time. That experience was easily the most beautiful and life altering experience I've ever had, but it also traumatized me in ways that are difficult to describe. If you want to read it, you can find it on my profile. 

I'm writing this post as a follow up because I keep hearing about how great psychedelics are and how amazing god realization is but I never really hear about the aftermath of those experiences. I think a lot of people believe that you can access these states of consciousness for free, without any consequence and that just isn't the case. This post is gonna be long so be prepared. But I wanted to tell my story about the 6 months following my God realization experience and how it changed me. I want to be as detailed as I can, so we'll begin immediately following the God realization as I lay on the floor of a bedroom in a large log cabin starring up at the ceiling in awe of what just took place.

A feeling came over me as I laid on the floor that seemed to be saying that my life was about to get harder. I didn't know exactly what this meant but I accepted it without question.

I spent the next full day seeing ordinary reality as God. I couldn't un-see it. 

I was hanging out with my two best friends but when I looked at them I didn't see them as my friends, I saw them as God. They lost all sense of 'other-ness' from my POV. It was like watching two hand puppets pretend they were separate. Every word they said, every action they took was Holy. They didn't seem to notice their own divinity though and this didn't take away from their divinity, it amplified it. 

I spent the day being very quiet. My friends would talk to me and I'd talk back but not in anything other than very short sentences and phrases. I wasn't speaking from the point of view of my normal sense of self. It felt as though I was speaking automatically, without any need to know what I would say next. There was very little to no sense of any control over my body and mind either. Though I was seeing out of my eyes, hearing through my ears, tasting my tongue, feeling my body, hearing my thoughts, etc...It didn't feel personal to me anymore. My gaze became wide and unfocused. Instead of looking at individual objects in a room, I was looking at the entire room as a whole. I loved everything and looked at all things as if it were a beautiful women. 

We (my friends and I) eventually packed up and left the cabin and headed home. I remember sitting in the backseat of the car thinking to myself that I'll never be able to relate to my friends again. I had seen something that very few human beings had ever seen. How was I ever going to explain to anyone that ordinary reality is not what it appears to be, that it is God in disguise? and Who would I explain that to?

When I got back to my hometown- I spent the majority of my time sitting on the couch looking at the wall. I wasn't interested in doing anything, going anywhere, saying anything etc. God realization slowly wore off and an immense doubt took its place. I looked at soda cans, walls, streets, tree's with a look of disbelief. As if I knew they were not what they appeared to be. It was as if all of reality was holding back a laugh while pretending to be something it wasn't. The soda can on the table, the plate of food, I saw it and said to myself- I'm not fooled by you. 

I became deeply devotional and did everything with a high degree of consciousness. Every step I took, I took intentionally. I saw every action as a form of devotion to God. Washing the dishes, driving my car, ironing my clothes, all of it was imbued with a deep sense of religious meaning. An immense sense of responsibility came over me. I knew that I couldn't simply go back to being who I was before, I had seen God, now I had to live in such a way that was in accordance to that realization. 

After a day or two of this- thoughts began to arise in my mind like "was that experience of God real?" "Is that the Truth?"

My ego was beginning to reconstruct itself slowly but I could tell that there was still a large piece of it missing somehow.  I wasn't sure how but I knew something wasn't right. That feeling I got at the end of my trip echoed in my mind- Your life is about to get harder. But I still had no clue what that meant. 

The Dark Night Begins-

The following three months were horrible. I began experiencing physical pain in my chest, shoulders and arms. I thought I was having heart attacks but every time I went to the emergency room, they found nothing at all. Sometimes I would drive to the emergency room only for the pain to completely disappear as I walked in the door. On top of that, I had panic attacks every. single. day.

In the moment, I wasn't sure what was happening but looking back on it now I'm able to see very clearly that my worldview was shattered so completely that I had no idea what was real anymore. One side of my mind knew that all was God, and the other side was convinced I was wrong about it all. I was constantly torn between the two sides. As I did my every day activities, I constantly wondered if I was devoting myself properly to the task at hand. I wanted to live in accordance to my realization but I couldn't. I fell short again and again and again. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't live up to what I had realized.

I was incredibly unstable in my thoughts and emotions. It was like I was an infant who had just awakened in a fully grown adult body and was still getting the hang of all the mechanics. Even small, seemingly insignificant things would move me to tears or fill me with existential dread. It wasn't all bad though, my meditation was much deeper during this period. I was entering Jhanas with little to no effort and experiencing deep contemplation at times. No matter what happened though, I still felt as if a large part of my psyche had gone missing somehow. I couldn't put my finger on what was missing, but I knew I needed to resolve this. 

My spiritual Teacher began giving me psychotherapy sessions to help me integrate. In these sessions, I remembered things about my childhood that I had forgot even happened. I also experienced physical pain in response to childhood memories which showed me that the pain I was going through was mostly psychological. Over a few weeks time, I realized alot about myself. I saw clearly that on some level I hated my parents, and I hated myself, and my life. I sat with those feelings of hatred amidst some of the deepest depressions I've ever faced. I've experienced depression before in my life, but these levels of depression were some of the deepest I've ever felt. I honestly had no idea that getting this depressed was even possible, but it was. 

There were a few points where I thought about killing myself. I never would actually go through with it of course, but I was so deep in depression that I understood how people would end their lives early because of it. Without my spiritual practice and my Teacher, I probably would not have made it through these parts. 

This particular healing process lasted three months. I was in total confusion most of the time, not knowing what the truth was or what was going on with me. I'd never experienced anything like this in my entire life. Every day my spiritual practice was tried and tested to the limits. I spent most of my days balled up crying or having panic attacks, being depressed and bedridden. I wanted this nightmare to end but I knew that the only way out was through so I spent as much of my time as possible facing my demons and owning up to my past. 

After three months the physical and emotional pain began to let up. I had worked through some horrifying emotions and past traumas and I was finally able to start feeling normal again. I began to notice that the 'hole' in my psyche was nothing more than drywall (figuratively speaking). Behind that drywall was a lot of childhood trauma and pain that I'd stored away when I was a kid. I never saw myself as an angry kid, but it turns out I was quite angry as a child. I couldn't let it show because my dad was ruthless and overpowering, so I suppressed my anger and became overly compassionate to compensate. Once the feelings and emotions started calming down a bit more I began to feel normal again. 

When I say 'normal' I don't mean normal in the sense that I was 'back' to my old self, but normal in the sense that I was someone totally new. I felt more integrated and complete as a person and I was more honest with myself about who I was and what I wanted out of my life. I felt like I'd regained my power over myself and my life. 

The next three months leading up to the present day were more or less like the previous three but on a less intense level. I gradually continued to integrate my past, my pain, etc. and I continue to this day working through my past, my traumas and my other areas of spiritual growth. Every now and again I'd fall into a pit of despair but I knew now how to work with my pain and my fear so I would simply work through it and integrate the lessons. Daily zazen and regular meditation retreats helped to ground me in my 3D throughout this entire process and I'm grateful for that honestly, but ultimately I'm grateful for myself. Psychedelics threw me into a hole and I dug my way out of it on my own. Sure, I had my teacher to give advice and other people to talk to but ultimately I did everything myself and I came out way stronger because of it. 

I realize now that the insights you gain through the use of psychedelic's aren't at all 'free'. You don't get to just go see God and then walk away from it unscathed and unchanged. Especially if you didn't earn it.

Before this experience of God realization I sat zazen every single day for 6+ years. I've worked with a teacher closely, I moved to and live at a zen center and made sure my entire life was centered around practice. I've even had my own spiritual realizations  while on meditation retreats without any psychedelics and despite all of that I was still not prepared for God realization like I thought I was. I was not prepared for how real this spirituality shit is and honestly I don't think many human beings are either. 

I remember watching Leo's videos  for many years and hearing him say things like- You won't understand this until you have had X amount of awakenings, or you can't attain this realization even if you meditate for years and years, etc... etc... and every time I would hear him talk about God, The Truth, Wisdom, etc...I always felt like he was taunting me, challenging me to go and have these experiences. I realize this was probably my projection onto Leo, not knocking Leo at all. But I always felt like he was having all the realizations I wanted to have and that somehow I was missing out. I wanted to have an awakening so I could finally experience what all the hype was about but it wasn't happening in my meditation and that led me into psychedelic's. 

But I realize now that maybe...just maybe, the whole point of being here as an ignorant human being who doesn't know shit is to just be an ignorant human being who doesn't know shit. I spent so many years trying to enter these advanced levels of realization only to realize that the whole reason I wasn't experiencing them without psychedelics was because I wasn't actually ready for them. I mean...the sheer responsibility that comes behind a God realization is immense. Anybody who knows God knows what I mean. I didn't actually want that life like I thought I did back then. Even though I experienced God, I couldn't uphold that realization and live in accordance to it like Buddha, Jesus and many others had in the past. I just plain wasn't ready for that. Had I been really ready for God realization like I thought I was, it would have happened all on its own. Suddenly. Like it does for those few human beings who are actually ready for it. exa- Buddha, Christ, Dogen, etc...

So that's my piece. I'm not shitting on anyone who wants to take psychedelics but I am saying that if you are using psychedelics and you haven't hit Gold yet, you haven't had that grand awakening experience you want so bad yet...stop and consider that you might be 1000% wrong about what it is you really want. 

I want to end this post by putting a letter written by Carl Jung to a Catholic priest after the invention of LSD, this letter really speaks volumes IMO, Thanks for reading everyone. 

It has indeed very curious effects— of which I know far too little. I don’t know either what its psychotherapeutic value with neurotic or psychotic patients is. I only know there is no point in wishing to know more of the collective unconscious than one gets through dreams and intuition. The more you know of it, the greater and heavier becomes our moral burden, because the unconscious contents transform themselves into your individual tasks and duties as soon as they begin to become conscious. Do you want to increase loneliness and misunderstanding? Do you want to find more and more complications and increasing re­sponsibilities? You get enough of it.

If I once could say that I had done everything I know I had to do, then perhaps I should realize a legitimate need to take mescalin. But if I should take it now, I would not be sure at all that I had not taken it out of idle curiosity. I should hate the thought that I had touched on the sphere where the paint is made that colours the world, where the light is created that makes shine the splendour of the dawn, the lines and shapes of all form, the sound that fills the orbit, the thought that illuminates the darkness of the void. There are some poor impoverished creatures, perhaps, for whom mescalin would be a heaven-sent gift without a counterpoison, but I am profoundly mistrustful of the “pure gifts of the Gods.” You pay very dearly for them.

This is not the point at all, to know of or about the unconscious, nor does the story end here; on the contrary it is how and where you begin the real quest. If you are too unconscious it is a great relief to know a bit of the collective unconscious. But it soon becomes dangerous to know more, because one does not learn at the same time how to balance it through a conscious equivalent. That is the mistake Aldous Huxley makes: he does not know that he is in the role of the “Zauberlehrling,” who learned from his master how to call the ghosts but did not know how to get rid of them again:

It is really the mistake of our age: We think it is enough to discover new things, but we don’t realize that knowing more demands a cor­responding development of morality. Radioactive clouds over Japan, Calcutta, and Saskatchewan point to progressive poisoning of the uni­versal atmosphere.

I should indeed be obliged to you if you could let me see the ma­terial they get with LSD. It is quite awful that the alienists have caught hold of a new poison to play with, without the faintest knowl­edge or feeling of responsibility. It is just as if a surgeon had never leaned further than to cut open his patient’s belly and to leave things there. When one gets to know unconscious contents one should know how to deal with them. I can only hope that the doctors will feed themselves thoroughly with mescalin, the alkaloid of divine grace, so that they learn for themselves its marvellous effect. You have not finished with the conscious side yet. Why should you expect more from the unconscious?

For 35 years I have known enough of the col­lective unconscious and my whole effort is concentrated upon prepar­ing the ways and means to deal with it.”

[Leo Gura]

Nobody said psychedelic work wasn't work. It's fools inexperienced with psychedelics who think psychedelics are some cheap easy shortcut.

Psychedelics are heavy work. It is like compressing 1 year of spiritual or theraputic work into 1 day. I have said psychedelics are a catalyst and I have said people are terrified of Truth. Your entire mind has been built from the ground up to actively avoid Truth.

And really, you've only yet scratched the surface of what God is. You still don't fullt get it. That will require 100+ more deep trips.

[tlowedajuicemayne]

@Leo Gura @Leo Gura Yeah, I admit I was naïve but not foolish. I didn't expect an easy come up, I only expected to catch a glimpse of what I'd been searching for. I agree that using psychedelics as a cheap easy shortcut is foolish tho. I did not realize however that even glimpsing, isn't free. I wonder since you are experimenting with much more powerful substances, are you experiencing more powerful and difficult healing processes? 

[bensenbiz]

2 hours ago, tlowedajuicemayne said:

A few weeks ago I posted about my recent LSD experience in which I had God realization for the first time. That experience was easily the most beautiful and life altering experience I've ever had, but it also traumatized me in ways that are difficult to describe. If you want to read it, you can find it on my profile. 

I'm writing this post as a follow up because I keep hearing about how great psychedelics are and how amazing god realization is but I never really hear about the aftermath of those experiences. I think a lot of people believe that you can access these states of consciousness for free, without any consequence and that just isn't the case. This post is gonna be long so be prepared. But I wanted to tell my story about the 6 months following my God realization experience and how it changed me. I want to be as detailed as I can, so we'll begin immediately following the God realization as I lay on the floor of a bedroom in a large log cabin starring up at the ceiling in awe of what just took place.

A feeling came over me as I laid on the floor that seemed to be saying that my life was about to get harder. I didn't know exactly what this meant but I accepted it without question.

I spent the next full day seeing ordinary reality as God. I couldn't un-see it. 

I was hanging out with my two best friends but when I looked at them I didn't see them as my friends, I saw them as God. They lost all sense of 'other-ness' from my POV. It was like watching two hand puppets pretend they were separate. Every word they said, every action they took was Holy. They didn't seem to notice their own divinity though and this didn't take away from their divinity, it amplified it. 

I spent the day being very quiet. My friends would talk to me and I'd talk back but not in anything other than very short sentences and phrases. I wasn't speaking from the point of view of my normal sense of self. It felt as though I was speaking automatically, without any need to know what I would say next. There was very little to no sense of any control over my body and mind either. Though I was seeing out of my eyes, hearing through my ears, tasting my tongue, feeling my body, hearing my thoughts, etc...It didn't feel personal to me anymore. My gaze became wide and unfocused. Instead of looking at individual objects in a room, I was looking at the entire room as a whole. I loved everything and looked at all things as if it were a beautiful women. 

We (my friends and I) eventually packed up and left the cabin and headed home. I remember sitting in the backseat of the car thinking to myself that I'll never be able to relate to my friends again. I had seen something that very few human beings had ever seen. How was I ever going to explain to anyone that ordinary reality is not what it appears to be, that it is God in disguise? and Who would I explain that to?

When I got back to my hometown- I spent the majority of my time sitting on the couch looking at the wall. I wasn't interested in doing anything, going anywhere, saying anything etc. God realization slowly wore off and an immense doubt took its place. I looked at soda cans, walls, streets, tree's with a look of disbelief. As if I knew they were not what they appeared to be. It was as if all of reality was holding back a laugh while pretending to be something it wasn't. The soda can on the table, the plate of food, I saw it and said to myself- I'm not fooled by you. 

I became deeply devotional and did everything with a high degree of consciousness. Every step I took, I took intentionally. I saw every action as a form of devotion to God. Washing the dishes, driving my car, ironing my clothes, all of it was imbued with a deep sense of religious meaning. An immense sense of responsibility came over me. I knew that I couldn't simply go back to being who I was before, I had seen God, now I had to live in such a way that was in accordance to that realization. 

After a day or two of this- thoughts began to arise in my mind like "was that experience of God real?" "Is that the Truth?"

My ego was beginning to reconstruct itself slowly but I could tell that there was still a large piece of it missing somehow.  I wasn't sure how but I knew something wasn't right. That feeling I got at the end of my trip echoed in my mind- Your life is about to get harder. But I still had no clue what that meant. 

The Dark Night Begins-

The following three months were horrible. I began experiencing physical pain in my chest, shoulders and arms. I thought I was having heart attacks but every time I went to the emergency room, they found nothing at all. Sometimes I would drive to the emergency room only for the pain to completely disappear as I walked in the door. On top of that, I had panic attacks every. single. day.

In the moment, I wasn't sure what was happening but looking back on it now I'm able to see very clearly that my worldview was shattered so completely that I had no idea what was real anymore. One side of my mind knew that all was God, and the other side was convinced I was wrong about it all. I was constantly torn between the two sides. As I did my every day activities, I constantly wondered if I was devoting myself properly to the task at hand. I wanted to live in accordance to my realization but I couldn't. I fell short again and again and again. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't live up to what I had realized.

I was incredibly unstable in my thoughts and emotions. It was like I was an infant who had just awakened in a fully grown adult body and was still getting the hang of all the mechanics. Even small, seemingly insignificant things would move me to tears or fill me with existential dread. It wasn't all bad though, my meditation was much deeper during this period. I was entering Jhanas with little to no effort and experiencing deep contemplation at times. No matter what happened though, I still felt as if a large part of my psyche had gone missing somehow. I couldn't put my finger on what was missing, but I knew I needed to resolve this. 

My spiritual Teacher began giving me psychotherapy sessions to help me integrate. In these sessions, I remembered things about my childhood that I had forgot even happened. I also experienced physical pain in response to childhood memories which showed me that the pain I was going through was mostly psychological. Over a few weeks time, I realized alot about myself. I saw clearly that on some level I hated my parents, and I hated myself, and my life. I sat with those feelings of hatred amidst some of the deepest depressions I've ever faced. I've experienced depression before in my life, but these levels of depression were some of the deepest I've ever felt. I honestly had no idea that getting this depressed was even possible, but it was. 

There were a few points where I thought about killing myself. I never would actually go through with it of course, but I was so deep in depression that I understood how people would end their lives early because of it. Without my spiritual practice and my Teacher, I probably would not have made it through these parts. 

This particular healing process lasted three months. I was in total confusion most of the time, not knowing what the truth was or what was going on with me. I'd never experienced anything like this in my entire life. Every day my spiritual practice was tried and tested to the limits. I spent most of my days balled up crying or having panic attacks, being depressed and bedridden. I wanted this nightmare to end but I knew that the only way out was through so I spent as much of my time as possible facing my demons and owning up to my past. 

After three months the physical and emotional pain began to let up. I had worked through some horrifying emotions and past traumas and I was finally able to start feeling normal again. I began to notice that the 'hole' in my psyche was nothing more than drywall (figuratively speaking). Behind that drywall was a lot of childhood trauma and pain that I'd stored away when I was a kid. I never saw myself as an angry kid, but it turns out I was quite angry as a child. I couldn't let it show because my dad was ruthless and overpowering, so I suppressed my anger and became overly compassionate to compensate. Once the feelings and emotions started calming down a bit more I began to feel normal again. 

When I say 'normal' I don't mean normal in the sense that I was 'back' to my old self, but normal in the sense that I was someone totally new. I felt more integrated and complete as a person and I was more honest with myself about who I was and what I wanted out of my life. I felt like I'd regained my power over myself and my life. 

The next three months leading up to the present day were more or less like the previous three but on a less intense level. I gradually continued to integrate my past, my pain, etc. and I continue to this day working through my past, my traumas and my other areas of spiritual growth. Every now and again I'd fall into a pit of despair but I knew now how to work with my pain and my fear so I would simply work through it and integrate the lessons. Daily zazen and regular meditation retreats helped to ground me in my 3D throughout this entire process and I'm grateful for that honestly, but ultimately I'm grateful for myself. Psychedelics threw me into a hole and I dug my way out of it on my own. Sure, I had my teacher to give advice and other people to talk to but ultimately I did everything myself and I came out way stronger because of it. 

I realize now that the insights you gain through the use of psychedelic's aren't at all 'free'. You don't get to just go see God and then walk away from it unscathed and unchanged. Especially if you didn't earn it.

Before this experience of God realization I sat zazen every single day for 6+ years. I've worked with a teacher closely, I moved to and live at a zen center and made sure my entire life was centered around practice. I've even had my own spiritual realizations  while on meditation retreats without any psychedelics and despite all of that I was still not prepared for God realization like I thought I was. I was not prepared for how real this spirituality shit is and honestly I don't think many human beings are either. 

I remember watching Leo's videos  for many years and hearing him say things like- You won't understand this until you have had X amount of awakenings, or you can't attain this realization even if you meditate for years and years, etc... etc... and every time I would hear him talk about God, The Truth, Wisdom, etc...I always felt like he was taunting me, challenging me to go and have these experiences. I realize this was probably my projection onto Leo, not knocking Leo at all. But I always felt like he was having all the realizations I wanted to have and that somehow I was missing out. I wanted to have an awakening so I could finally experience what all the hype was about but it wasn't happening in my meditation and that led me into psychedelic's. 

But I realize now that maybe...just maybe, the whole point of being here as an ignorant human being who doesn't know shit is to just be an ignorant human being who doesn't know shit. I spent so many years trying to enter these advanced levels of realization only to realize that the whole reason I wasn't experiencing them without psychedelics was because I wasn't actually ready for them. I mean...the sheer responsibility that comes behind a God realization is immense. Anybody who knows God knows what I mean. I didn't actually want that life like I thought I did back then. Even though I experienced God, I couldn't uphold that realization and live in accordance to it like Buddha, Jesus and many others had in the past. I just plain wasn't ready for that. Had I been really ready for God realization like I thought I was, it would have happened all on its own. Suddenly. Like it does for those few human beings who are actually ready for it. exa- Buddha, Christ, Dogen, etc...

So that's my piece. I'm not shitting on anyone who wants to take psychedelics but I am saying that if you are using psychedelics and you haven't hit Gold yet, you haven't had that grand awakening experience you want so bad yet...stop and consider that you might be 1000% wrong about what it is you really want. 

I want to end this post by putting a letter written by Carl Jung to a Catholic priest after the invention of LSD, this letter really speaks volumes IMO, Thanks for reading everyone. 

It has indeed very curious effects— of which I know far too little. I don’t know either what its psychotherapeutic value with neurotic or psychotic patients is. I only know there is no point in wishing to know more of the collective unconscious than one gets through dreams and intuition. The more you know of it, the greater and heavier becomes our moral burden, because the unconscious contents transform themselves into your individual tasks and duties as soon as they begin to become conscious. Do you want to increase loneliness and misunderstanding? Do you want to find more and more complications and increasing re­sponsibilities? You get enough of it.

If I once could say that I had done everything I know I had to do, then perhaps I should realize a legitimate need to take mescalin. But if I should take it now, I would not be sure at all that I had not taken it out of idle curiosity. I should hate the thought that I had touched on the sphere where the paint is made that colours the world, where the light is created that makes shine the splendour of the dawn, the lines and shapes of all form, the sound that fills the orbit, the thought that illuminates the darkness of the void. There are some poor impoverished creatures, perhaps, for whom mescalin would be a heaven-sent gift without a counterpoison, but I am profoundly mistrustful of the “pure gifts of the Gods.” You pay very dearly for them.

This is not the point at all, to know of or about the unconscious, nor does the story end here; on the contrary it is how and where you begin the real quest. If you are too unconscious it is a great relief to know a bit of the collective unconscious. But it soon becomes dangerous to know more, because one does not learn at the same time how to balance it through a conscious equivalent. That is the mistake Aldous Huxley makes: he does not know that he is in the role of the “Zauberlehrling,” who learned from his master how to call the ghosts but did not know how to get rid of them again:

It is really the mistake of our age: We think it is enough to discover new things, but we don’t realize that knowing more demands a cor­responding development of morality. Radioactive clouds over Japan, Calcutta, and Saskatchewan point to progressive poisoning of the uni­versal atmosphere.

I should indeed be obliged to you if you could let me see the ma­terial they get with LSD. It is quite awful that the alienists have caught hold of a new poison to play with, without the faintest knowl­edge or feeling of responsibility. It is just as if a surgeon had never leaned further than to cut open his patient’s belly and to leave things there. When one gets to know unconscious contents one should know how to deal with them. I can only hope that the doctors will feed themselves thoroughly with mescalin, the alkaloid of divine grace, so that they learn for themselves its marvellous effect. You have not finished with the conscious side yet. Why should you expect more from the unconscious?

For 35 years I have known enough of the col­lective unconscious and my whole effort is concentrated upon prepar­ing the ways and means to deal with it.”

Firstly I have to say you have a very nice writing style. It literally felt like I am watching a movie.
Secondly: Like you described it: I am highly curious about the truth but afraid of taking the responsibility. So it helps me a lot to hear your brutal true experience. It gives me the same effect like ivankiss'es lately Thread:

So its amazing that you guys show me this side and prepare me for it.
And yeah Leo never said that this was a joke. But its good to hear it from other members too.
Also I felt a deep compassion for you. So I wish you all the best and much love.

 

 

[Breakingthewall]

you say the trip triggered a process of bringing large amounts of trauma to the surface. Would you have preferred to live the rest of your life without that happening? I don't understand the negative part. we are alive, we must take risks, nothing has happened to you that will not have positive consequences

[Vincent S]

Thank you so much for sharing this ???

It’s very interesting to read your journey. And I wish you a great journey from here ?

Admire you for not denying the process, and diving deep and riding yourself of past impurities that was kept since early childhood. ?

LSD is very profound in its way to show Truth. In my experience with the substance. Its the mind and remembrance of The Universe. And of course the Above and Beyonds as well as the power for Transformation. But like you said, there is a trade off. And since it reveals what is True/Truth, its must filter out All The Untruths we have dealt with, lived with, thought ourselves to be, projected on to others, suffered at the hands of and so on…

What remains is Truth. But in this work, we must be willing to let go of our tools, beliefs and past identities that simply wont align with The Inherent Truth. 
Truth is inherent and the background to Everything. 

From my experience. Its important to balance Consciousness with Love, because they are the same thing, two sides of the same coin. I would advise to explore your self-love more  and complement this journey with. Its true that Truth can be harsh and cruel, but at the same time it can be very liberating. 
Try some mescaline (San Pedro) if you haven't, or some MDMA and love yourself deeply. So you can encourage yourself to keep going towards Truth ✨

Edited October 5, 2021 by Vincent S

[Inder]

@tlowedajuicemayne I empathize with you what you are going through, I have been in your same situation, so I can share from your prescriptive, Hopefully you have read my post on my God realization, and I have commented on your post on my post, so you have the basic understanding of my background where I'm coming from. I took LSD again after couple of weeks of that post, felt like I want to end my journey with LSD on good note, or at least quit LSD for sometime, this time I was prepared to face anything, because I already got some glimpse that death is illusion, I prepared to fully totally surrender to whatever I experience on this LSD trip, and this time I realized I'm infinite Love, this LSD trip was so much pleasurable and I experienced so much intense Love to the point it was scary, but  this LSD trip integrate my past trip, with GOD+Love, which give me sense of wholeness, I realized that I'm love, I'm existence itself all of it, I'm everyone and everything, realized tha God's death or God sleeping is way of creation of the entire universe, God gives itself to everything and fall asleep, Death of creation is waking up as a GoD. I think for you, you are missing infinite love, I think you still afraid of pain, discomfort and Death. Only solution to heal yourself is to face yourself, if I would be you, I would take LSD again with the intention of total surrendering to what is, and totally give yourself up, and Take LSD probably one more time after 2 week time, applying the total surrendering process.

 

[tlowedajuicemayne]

@Inder Yeah I think you're right. I certainly still fear pain, and death for sure. Discomfort...not so much tho. 

I plan to continue my psychedelic use, as I see the value in their usage in my spiritual process. SWIM does plan to face DMT very soon which I hope will help me shed some light on more trauma and perhaps 'infinite love'. 

Edited October 5, 2021 by tlowedajuicemayne
forgot a critical part

[tlowedajuicemayne]

@Vincent S Yeah I agree, I think love was a HUGE part of this healing process and I often think to myself throughout my day- How can I be a better friend to myself in this situation? It helps me infuse my daily actions with a sense of love. Thanks for commenting!

[tlowedajuicemayne]

@Breakingthewall Yeah I don't think I was necessarily coming at this from a perspective of positive and negative', but I do see your point tho. I really just wanted to put this as a part 2 to my original trip report as I see the integration stage as a part of the psychedelic experience and it doesn't get talked about that much. I only recently realized that the LSD loop had closed and that I'd fully integrated all the lessons and was feeling great so I posted this as a follow up.  I'm definitely glad it all happened tho and wouldn't trade it for the world. However I do think that people who have very little spiritual practice, or none at all should defiitely be warned that this God stuff is waaaay more real than anybody is probably ready for lol. Thanks for reading!