Sign in to follow this  
Followers 0
JoshuaBell

Lost my fucking mind

8 posts in this topic

So I dunno if this is the right place to post this. But I’m becoming aware even as I type this of like social filters based on fear of what people might think of me. Anyways at 19 years old I watched some of Leo’s videos. The ones about God and Truth sort of planted seeds in my mind and I literally went insane. Even the idea of me being in control of my own actions seemed like a total fallacy. And I started having questions like “wait do I have free will?” “Why am I here? What is the meaning of life? Is there a meaning? What if there’s no meaning and that’s the meaning? Is there a definitive answer? There has to be because it’d be such a fucking dick thing for God to do if he just left us hanging. I say he but I’m guessing God has no gender. I really haven’t even glimpsed that reality at all. But I’ve done acid before and it really opened my mind like it felt more real than ‘real life.’ Like what is a flow state? Like who is in control in a flow state? Is it possible to be in a flow state 24/7? Do I exist? Who am I? What the fuck am I? I know I’m in a meat suit but what is the I that knows? How do I even know I’m asking these questions? I feel like I’m just going around in circles. Well also I ended up in a mental hospital and they said I’m bipolar and autistic but whose to say ‘they’ are right? What if they’re insane and I’m not? Why should I accept their version of reality? The fact that we have differing perceptions on what’s true has to mean that reality isn’t as fixed as one might think. So then what is reality? Fuuuuuuck I wish I had like an answer like. Reality is x y or z. Does my body exist? I read books like The Power of Now and watched some of Bob Proctor’s stuff and tried to meditate and I realize how much my mind is active maybe I should go become a fucking monk or something. I just don’t see the point in getting a job and going to college on this fucking treadmill society we live in. I mean like mainstream society is so fucked. Things that are actually happening like sex, money, murder, and anything remotely controversial is hushed up it seems like everyone is fucking fake to a degree. And I feel fake as well, like a wolf in sheep’s clothing or something. Why am I even typing this out? Is it inevitable that I would type this out? Does it matter? Does anything matter? Yet still we gotta live in our bodies and eat and stuff. And David Hawkins says that consciousness is like a database where every fucking thought word and action is recorded. So is everything predetermined? Or is it choice? Or both or neither? I watched the Matrix and I’m not tryna become a battery for someone else. What is energy? And how do I know anything is real? How do I know David Hawkins is right? Why not kill myself and find out the answer? (Don’t worry I won’t kill myself although I do feel depressed as fuck a lot). I just feel like im going insane and I don’t understand anything. On one hand I am a chimp and a devil as Leo says. I just wanna be lazy and eat and fuck. And have money, status, and power. Currently I am not living a fulfilling life at all and my results in my life are pretty shit so I might fulfill all the chimpery stuff first to get it out of my system. Also I did DMT once (mixed with weed) and I got super anxious and started like convulsing on the floor having a damn near seizure. It was fucking traumatic (and here my mind is saying “who gives a fuck about that just finish your damn paragraph already.”) I don’t know if I should keep doing psychedelics because I might have psychosis like I’m not sure if I’m having delusions or not. Maybe this post should go in the serious emotional problems section. Or idk man maybe I need therapy is there something wrong with me holy fuck. It feels as though psychedelics have scarred my mind and given me a taste of higher realms of consciousness where I just felt like I “knew” things as they were happening. I want to feel that peace while sober. Anyways what the fuck should I do now? Ultimately I need a change of environment I’m thinking I could just get q slave wage job and hire a life coach to get the chimpery out the way and then go become a fucking monk or something I have no fucking clue. I’m 21 and I feel lost as fuck. I got hella anxiety (and my mind just said “lol fuck you”) some real fucked up shit. I also have super intrusive thoughts like I’ll see images flashing in my mind of killing people or slitting my own throat and stuff and it’s super intrusive. I feel stressed the fuck out. Are they related? Where do thoughts come from? How does the mind essentially work? What is the subconscious mind? How do you become successful? I think I need to get some help and I keep getting jobs and ending up getting super depressed and quitting. Maybe I am a little bitch with no work ethic who secretly likes being lazy and leeching off others who will do the work for me. I think I’m too damn comfortable at my moms place and havent stretched out of my comfort zone enough. Yet I guess in some ways I deceive myself into helplessness with a thought process like, “well this pattern keeps happening so why even try? What’s the point? And then I think I might try giving it a deeper meaning by seeming all spiritual and ‘deep’ by asking questions like ‘why get a job and go to college? What is reality anyways’ when I think I might just be a lazy fuck who is in the throes of self deception. Writing this out has been rather…. illuminating. I have been thinking about becoming a monk because I just have a feeling that even if I do get a job and go to college I’ll end up sabotaging and fucking things up (as I usually do, my mind adds). Anyways thanks again for reading this far (stfu you piece of shit, my mind lovingly says to me.) Am I just overthinking? Help

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

What do you desire most in life? What do you want?

Edited by roopepa

Everyone is waiting for eternity but the Shaman asks: "how about today?"

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

At your age you're still very immature and you just need to spend the next 10 years assembling your life and discovering who you are at a basic personality level (I don't mean enlightenment). Do basic self-help work and build a life you would enjoy. You're getting ahead of your skiis.

The Life Purpose Course is what can help you add some backbone to your life so you're not just a leaf blowing in the wind. You need a life purpose and some type of career skills to ground you in life.

Don't lose sight of just enjoying life. There's nothing else really to do. Cultivate your passions, build skills, be productive, be creative, relate to other humans, grow yourself psychologically, etc. before you go chasing enlightenment.


You are God. You are Truth. You are Love. You are Infinity.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I fell into the same trap at 16-19. Like @Leo Gura says, having your survival needs met and grounding yourself before going into deeper spiritual territory is really important. I was in quite a bad spot before I decided to let go of enlightenment for a while. Since then, working on my mental health and working on becoming a happy and functional human first has made my life a lot better. 

Don’t underestimate the amount of joy you can already create by having things like LP, relationships, etc. figured out. 


In the depths of winter,
I finally learned that within me 
there lay an invincible summer.

- Albert Camus

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
6 hours ago, JoshuaBell said:

So I dunno if this is the right place to post this. But I’m becoming aware even as I type this of like social filters based on fear of what people might think of me. Anyways at 19 years old I watched some of Leo’s videos. The ones about God and Truth sort of planted seeds in my mind and I literally went insane. Even the idea of me being in control of my own actions seemed like a total fallacy. And I started having questions like “wait do I have free will?” “Why am I here? What is the meaning of life? Is there a meaning? What if there’s no meaning and that’s the meaning? Is there a definitive answer? There has to be because it’d be such a fucking dick thing for God to do if he just left us hanging. I say he but I’m guessing God has no gender. I really haven’t even glimpsed that reality at all. But I’ve done acid before and it really opened my mind like it felt more real than ‘real life.’ Like what is a flow state? Like who is in control in a flow state? Is it possible to be in a flow state 24/7? Do I exist? Who am I? What the fuck am I? I know I’m in a meat suit but what is the I that knows? How do I even know I’m asking these questions? I feel like I’m just going around in circles. Well also I ended up in a mental hospital and they said I’m bipolar and autistic but whose to say ‘they’ are right? What if they’re insane and I’m not? Why should I accept their version of reality? The fact that we have differing perceptions on what’s true has to mean that reality isn’t as fixed as one might think. So then what is reality? Fuuuuuuck I wish I had like an answer like. Reality is x y or z. Does my body exist? I read books like The Power of Now and watched some of Bob Proctor’s stuff and tried to meditate and I realize how much my mind is active maybe I should go become a fucking monk or something. I just don’t see the point in getting a job and going to college on this fucking treadmill society we live in. I mean like mainstream society is so fucked. Things that are actually happening like sex, money, murder, and anything remotely controversial is hushed up it seems like everyone is fucking fake to a degree. And I feel fake as well, like a wolf in sheep’s clothing or something. Why am I even typing this out? Is it inevitable that I would type this out? Does it matter? Does anything matter? Yet still we gotta live in our bodies and eat and stuff. And David Hawkins says that consciousness is like a database where every fucking thought word and action is recorded. So is everything predetermined? Or is it choice? Or both or neither? I watched the Matrix and I’m not tryna become a battery for someone else. What is energy? And how do I know anything is real? How do I know David Hawkins is right? Why not kill myself and find out the answer? (Don’t worry I won’t kill myself although I do feel depressed as fuck a lot). I just feel like im going insane and I don’t understand anything. On one hand I am a chimp and a devil as Leo says. I just wanna be lazy and eat and fuck. And have money, status, and power. Currently I am not living a fulfilling life at all and my results in my life are pretty shit so I might fulfill all the chimpery stuff first to get it out of my system. Also I did DMT once (mixed with weed) and I got super anxious and started like convulsing on the floor having a damn near seizure. It was fucking traumatic (and here my mind is saying “who gives a fuck about that just finish your damn paragraph already.”) I don’t know if I should keep doing psychedelics because I might have psychosis like I’m not sure if I’m having delusions or not. Maybe this post should go in the serious emotional problems section. Or idk man maybe I need therapy is there something wrong with me holy fuck. It feels as though psychedelics have scarred my mind and given me a taste of higher realms of consciousness where I just felt like I “knew” things as they were happening. I want to feel that peace while sober. Anyways what the fuck should I do now? Ultimately I need a change of environment I’m thinking I could just get q slave wage job and hire a life coach to get the chimpery out the way and then go become a fucking monk or something I have no fucking clue. I’m 21 and I feel lost as fuck. I got hella anxiety (and my mind just said “lol fuck you”) some real fucked up shit. I also have super intrusive thoughts like I’ll see images flashing in my mind of killing people or slitting my own throat and stuff and it’s super intrusive. I feel stressed the fuck out. Are they related? Where do thoughts come from? How does the mind essentially work? What is the subconscious mind? How do you become successful? I think I need to get some help and I keep getting jobs and ending up getting super depressed and quitting. Maybe I am a little bitch with no work ethic who secretly likes being lazy and leeching off others who will do the work for me. I think I’m too damn comfortable at my moms place and havent stretched out of my comfort zone enough. Yet I guess in some ways I deceive myself into helplessness with a thought process like, “well this pattern keeps happening so why even try? What’s the point? And then I think I might try giving it a deeper meaning by seeming all spiritual and ‘deep’ by asking questions like ‘why get a job and go to college? What is reality anyways’ when I think I might just be a lazy fuck who is in the throes of self deception. Writing this out has been rather…. illuminating. I have been thinking about becoming a monk because I just have a feeling that even if I do get a job and go to college I’ll end up sabotaging and fucking things up (as I usually do, my mind adds). Anyways thanks again for reading this far (stfu you piece of shit, my mind lovingly says to me.) Am I just overthinking? Help

of course not dude, you are not at all overthinking. i am quite surprised at the same things I have encountered on my journey.  I might not be as advanced as many on this forum claim to be.  dunno i u might find this useful but, anyways i will say that what you are experiencing is not uncommon.

Even i got into this shit of questioning my own existence and reality around 16 y/o. this questioning lead me into depression and  lost my entire view on reality.  sertraline ain't the worst med i've taken . intrusive thoughts kept hitting my head  every 5 minutes and  I even seriously thought about suicide . super intrusive thoughts similar to the ones you describe are the most painful things I've had in my life..

 

.I believe that u r not having much of an emotional prob but,  as i believe a shattering of your self image. I have witnessed a lot of things you say in my own personal life  and  have asked the same questions too. don't worry mate. you GOT THIS. !!!!    

  i would personally recommend to stop all the mind-stuff you are doing and come back to the REALITY.  get to a psychiatrist if you hv to and take some meds and the intrusive thoughts will vanish.  

 

Edited by happyhappy
grammar errors

my mini-blog!

https://wp.me/PcmO4b-T 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@JoshuaBell

This is aversion of feeling. It’s focusing on existential rumination as a way of not focusing on the challenges of life. The yet understood emotions you’re experiencing have nothing to do with the existentialism you’re believing they do. They have to do with the life you’re experiencing, how you’re interpreting it, how you’re conducting yourself in relationships, etc, and the choices you’re making. Slow things (thoughts) down with a daily morning grounding practice, before the mind starts rushing. 

Don’t try to ‘figure things out’ in thought. Play it cool, relax, ground, allow insights to naturally rise. The more relaxed and focused on being where you are, presence, the more insights arise. 

The savior is your own expressing of how you feel, and thus more & more understanding of that. Not thinking. That any thought is true, is just another thought. Relax the body & mind instead and enjoy now as it is. From there, contentment, the undesirable thoughts and visions of your future will begin to naturally be more positive and feel better. 

Instead of thinking… schedule & go experience some stuff that is healing oriented, connective (not just more thinking). 

If the ‘leaching’, ‘fucking everything up anyways’, ‘self deception’, etc, etc doesn’t resonate… notice therefore, that’s just not how you naturally think. Feel the relief in that. Let every one else think the way they think. You be you. That is always, always, always enough - allow it to be. 

Make a dreamboard.  Allow your spirituality to complement your life, not be some kind of problem. 


MEDITATIONS TOOLS  ActualityOfBeing.com  GUIDANCE SESSIONS

NONDUALITY LOA  My Youtube Channel  THE TRUE NATURE

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

You don't understand David Hawkins. No offence.


In Tate we trust

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now
Sign in to follow this  
Followers 0