Spiritual Work Hindered By Sensorimotor OCD

[NeonLayf]

Hello, everyone,

I'm new here in the forum  but I've been listening to Leo's videos for approximately 2 years now. 
Im a mid-twenties man from Germany. I have always been a deep thinker and was intrigiud by the deep
metaphysicil topics that made more sense than any ideology or worldview I've encountered before. 
So of course I wanted to get into the practical parts as well, meditation and counsciesnesswork. 
These seem to be major pillars. Without them, spiritual progress is apparently not possible and so
I'm mainly still living in my stage yellow theories. 
I wanted the real thing and started meditating and trying Psychedelics. 

But there's where my problems come in. I suffer from OCD since I was 12 years old. I have been to 
multipal clinics and was giving medication and ERP techniques. The compulsion revold around trivial things
my mind told me I had made wrong, "oh I saw my mother changing when I came into the room, that means
I must be hiddenly sexually attracted to my mother. " "Oh I looked at that person with an angry face even
though I didn't meen it. He probably hates me now." Every day masses of this and my parents always had do
comfort me with these problems and reassured me that they are not real problems. This took ages. 

Later I also got touching OCD, I had to touch things symmetrically etc. And later again, it turned into
pure sensomotoric OCD. I couldn't stop focusing on my bodily functions. I was constanty aware of
my body functions for example breathing, swallowing, blinking, pain in body parts I focus on and the fullness of my bladder. 
This eventually became better and better and for a few years this did not dominate my life. 

Now, however, whenever I try to meditate or do mindfullness exercises my OCD skyrockets. When I feel
into the moment, all my complexions are present. Focussing on my breathing is not relaxing for me
but exactly one of my biggest fears. After the meditation this focus still doesn't go away and 
i had to think about my breathing for a few weeks 24/7. Focussing on body parts is not better. I
get intense pain in these body parts and regularlly have to hold my hand into an ice-cold bucket. 

Then I tried the psychedelic route. I tested LSD. The trip was nice, I didn't take much because it was my 
first time. However, a few days after, my complexions told me that I had sure gone crazy
and scizophrenic. But this was also just a
mind game from my OCD. Once I figured it out, it went away. 

I don't want to give up spiritually work. 

I am also still not aware of the root issues why I have this disease. I got it in school when I was
totally stressed and bullied. I was 12 years old but that seems to be the age everyone gets it. 
So maybe it's in the genes but no one in my family I know of has this. 

Sorry for the rant.

Here are my two questions: 

1: Should I go full in on the techniques? Meditation, mindfulness and even shamanic breathing etc. to get stronger out at the other 
side. Of course the OCD skyrockets first, but eventually after time the mindfullness pays off???

2. Is it possible that I damage myself further with mindfulness, while right now the only time 
I'm not obsessing over bodily functions is wenn I'm distracted. Without distraction, living in mindfulness, 
is that my salvation or my demise?

3. Let's assume I meditate. Do I focus on my breath? Because that would make the meditation completely easy but I'm also fueling my complexions... All this stuff is so hard. Everyone around me doesn't see the value in meditation but me; and I'm the only with psychological problems with it. 

Would be nice if someone could give my advice about what to do in this situation. 

PS: Not sure if in the right subforum. I just read OCD in the title and thought this is for me. But maybe it's also good in meditation. 

Edited September 19, 2021 by NeonLayf

[mandyjw]

You only experience one thought at a time. So when you're meditating, you are becoming more aware of the thoughts that arise. It's not that the OCD is increasing during meditation, really, it's not that this is a negative thing. Again, those are just thoughts arising when they arise. Mediation is where we give ourselves an opportunity to see through the thoughts that we believe. 

 I suffered with OCD quite badly as a kid and started distance running at around the same time. The OCD kicked in when I was running and had a quiet mind. I occasionally had the typical obsessive handwashing and intrusive thoughts, but I also got random impulses to do random things, for example, pick up a piece of trash, or go somewhere. However, so did creative and insightful thinking. My parents didn't address my issues, and didn't believe in unnecessary medical or psychological intervention. I knew I was crazy, but didn't want them to know so I put great efforts into hiding it which made myself even more miserable. I accidently stumbled upon the term OCD and that is when the jolting recognition of my issue had a stunning effect on me. Having a label for it somehow made me realize I was not alone, and gave me an overarching understanding of what was going on. I was empowered, relieved and I started letting go of the OCD impulses. It was my first in to realizing that my thoughts were total bullshit. The impulses would only occasionally return after I reached my teens, almost always when I was running, but I just noticed them and didn't act on them.

Much later, as a result of spiritual teachings I learned that I was receiving thoughts, not thinking them. This heightened reception was also the very same venue intuition uses. As I started opening to intuition, the OCD came back. I realized that how I was feeling was a measure of my openness and what I was receiving. I realized the random impulses were not insanity but leading me straight to what I wanted, what I had previously asked for in some way. Abraham Hicks teachings and other synchronicities helped me understand this on a much deeper level. The law of attraction and the truth that you cannot focus on what you do not want and not get more of it, really explains the intrusive thoughts someone with OCD experiences. The magic of focusing on what you DO want and therefore in doing so letting go of the thought about what is not wanted becomes clear. The understanding of the nature of thought itself becomes clear, and empowers us to let go of thoughts. 

Essentially, OCD is actually a gift, but it's like a very large, misunderstood gift that takes up most of your living quarters. Dumb analogy, but say it's like someone gave you a kitchen table set but you've always eaten off the floor and hated it but never considered another possibility or seen a kitchen table, or seen one being used in your entire life. It's not until someone shows you what a kitchen table is for that you don't curse it. It's the same way with thought. People with OCD are strong thinkers. It almost forces a person into seeing through the illusion of thought. There really is no greater gift.

Edited September 19, 2021 by mandyjw

[Average Investor]

17 minutes ago, NeonLayf said:

1: Should I go full in on the techniques? Meditation, mindfulness and even shamanic breathing etc. to get stronger out at the other 
side. Of course the OCD skyrockets first, but eventually after time the mindfullness pays off???

Meditation is kind of like investing in the stock market. You really don't start getting massive gains until you have compounded a lot of little investments into it. Meditation is wonderful. It will help calm the mind chatter greatly as you go forward and it gets more and more enjoyable and rewarding. 

17 minutes ago, NeonLayf said:

2. Is it possible that I damage myself further with mindfulness, while right now the only time 
I'm not obsessing over bodily functions is wenn I'm distracted. Without distraction, living in mindfulness, 
is that my salvation or my demise?

Not at all. I would say it would be more damaging to not have the mindfulness. Look at the people all around you. They are the results of not applying any mindfulness in their life. 

17 minutes ago, NeonLayf said:

3. Let's assume I meditate. Do I focus on my breath? Because that would make the meditation completely easy but I'm also fueling my complexions... All this stuff is so hard. Everyone around me doesn't see the value in meditation but me; and I'm the only with psychological problems with it. 

There are various techniques that are worth trying out. For someone starting out following the breath can be useful. There is a lot of good Kyria Yoga techniques that are aimed at focus if you like that. You might find some guided meditation videos on youtube useful as well. 

 

For tripping in the future consider trying some mushrooms. I had a massive issues with an OCD ritual for years and I was able to remove it with one mushroom trip. Not only that my issues from OCD had basically went away for a week or two. It was a massive breakthrough for me. There is a lot of other things that will help bring you to that point though too. I can say for sure that this is something that you can heal and integrate in a healthy way. 

[SQAAD]

@NeonLayf

18 hours ago, NeonLayf said:

 

2. Is it possible that I damage myself further with mindfulness, while right now the only time 
I'm not obsessing over bodily functions is wenn I'm distracted. Without distraction, living in mindfulness, 
is that my salvation or my demise?

3. Let's assume I meditate. Do I focus on my breath? Because that would make the meditation completely easy but I'm also fueling my complexions... All this stuff is so hard. Everyone around me doesn't see the value in meditation but me; and I'm the only with psychological problems with it. 

 

Look what you are doing here. You are seeking reassurance. You are chasing certainty. You are engaging in Compulsions. This is why you still suffer from OCD 13 years  now. Everytime you are reacting to a fear by doing compulsions , you basically teach your brain that your fears are legit. Then your brain sends you those thoughts over and over again to make sure you're safe. The brain just wants to help and protect you. 

If you stop reacting, if you stop doing compulsions, then eventually the brain will learn that you are no longer in danger, & will stop torturing you with those urges.

The only solution here is to be courageous, and embrace uncertainty. Accept the fact that maybe you are sexually attracted to your mother.  Stop trying to get rid of sensations, thoughts or feelings.  That is the problem right there.

You experience a bunch of things, you put a label on them and then you are trying to make those things go away. This will never work. Stop engaging in compulsions otherwise you will be forever suffering. Of course this is easier said than done.

Practically you will be suffering enormously for few months before your brain changes. But even after few weeks there will some relief. It takes i found 2 years of work to fully get rid of this monster. Recovery is possible. I have done it. The uncertainty will never go away. You just learn to live with it. Ocd is a gift also. You are focused on details that the average mind is not.

Many people are not ready to stop the compulsions. Maybe it takes you more years of torture to get to that point. I don't know. I speak from experience. Normies who haven't suffered from OCD don't understand you. They can never understand you. So i feel you man. I know exactly what you are going through.

Either you are stoping the compulsions or you live a life of pure misery until your 80s. Your choice. OCD is the worst thing ever. One of the worst things that a person could suffer from.  There are many resources out there that can help you. I will post some below. But if you are not willing to change your ways then nothing can help you. Only the most courageous people overcome this monster. Because you will have to face your fears and accept them. You will have to accept your worst nightmares and do nothing about it.

The people below have had OCD also. And recovered from it. Recovery is possible. Don't believe the bs that OCD is chronic. This has never been proven.

Get angry at OCD man. How many more years and energy will this monster steal from you? This monster has significantly reduced the quality of your life. It has made you hate your life. How much of this bs will you allow? Stop feeding the monster. You are running around in circles. Compulsions will never work. 

 

Edited September 20, 2021 by SQAAD

[NeonLayf]

Hi everyone, 

 

sorry for the late reply. After my first post I forgot my password and the "reset password" option did not work. 

But I have taken all your comments into consideration and they helped me a lot to make sense of what to do next. Thank you

The last weeks I thought a lot about my issues and watched my OCD and it's still there, not 24 / 7 but every day and it was only not there when I was distracted enough. I don't want to live like this anymore, with the constant anxiety in the back of my head and afraid of silent moments with myself, so I decided yesterday that I'll face my fears head-on now. 

I will start meditation and do ERP (which for me is the same lol) and use the techniques from sensorimotorocd.net and the youtube channel "ali greymond" that SQAAD posted. 

Wish me luck, guys  

[Superfluo]

@NeonLayf You need to address the mind at a more basic level. Doing spiritual work with OCD will lead to mild results and a lot of frustration. Be strategic in your approach to self-actualization. Address the mind first. Then, when the mind is more stable, do what you want.

You may benefit from embodying the practice of letting go. OCD is the opposite of letting go. You need to learn to let go. Let go of the negative consequences:

• You made a mistake. So what?
• You did something embarassing. So what?
• You talked with someone and they seemed embarassed or upset or they felt awkward, and now you think they have negative emotions towards you. So what?

"So what?" needs to become your default phrase every moment of your life. Seriously. But rehearsing this phrase will make your OCD worse. Why? Because your mind will always find many reasons to overwhelm your, to flood your thoughts with arguments for not letting go.

Let go. OCD is pretty much mental, so the mind needs to learn to let go. BE SERIOUS. Don't squander. Learn to let go. After you learn to let go, learn to let go of needing to let go, because your mind will attach to that too.

The fact that your OCD shifts from a compulsion to another has a two-fold meaning. First, it's an attempt of your mind to avoid being addressed, it's the mind playing hide and seek. Second, it's an attempt to shift your emotional avoidance so that you can't understand what there is beneath and also a way to show you from multiple perspectives what there is beneath (an attack and an ask for help at the same time).

So, in addition to letting go, it is useful to learn to feel your emotions and bodily sensations relative to the compulsory acts and healing them, shining the light of your consciousness on them.

For example: you make an embarassing movement. Your mind kicks in and you start to mentally panic (yeah, panic, because that's what's happening). Then you try to force the avoidance of the situation with the mind, you try to manipulate your mental energies to avoid or deal with the discomfort. But the discomfort is a bodily sensation. So, you made an embarassing movement. Now your mind is on fire. What should you do? Shift your attention to the somatic reactions to the thoughts your mind shows you. Your mind shows you the thought "Now everybody will think I'm stupid"? Good, learn to feel the sensations relative to that thought. Reveal them. Let them surface. And start to accept them unconditionally. Love them as they are. Caretake them. Support them. Listen to them. Embrace them fully as they are, with no hurry.

Be careful though, your mind will start creating negative thoughts relative to the sensations: "Now everybody will think I'm stupid" --> You listen to the bodily sensations relative to that thought --> "These sensations shouldn't be there, I'm a failure", "These sensations means I'm dying", "These sensations means I'm truly stupid, if I were not stupid I would not react like this to the thought that I'm stupid" --> You listen to the bodily sensations relative to those new thoughts.

It will be a war with multiple battles. Your mind will attack, you unmask the attack, then your mind will attack your response, you accept, then your mind will attack your lack of proactive action, your respond, and so on.

 

Here on the forum I have several posts on healing. Check them out.

[HypnoticMagician]

Whatever problem you have, there are necessarily a cure for it. When it comes to mental illnesses, I believe most of them are not so related to genetics apart from obviously pretty genetic disorders like down syndrome or autism. If you examine the mentally sick people carefully enough, most of them loose their mind at a later stage of their life. Be it in puberty or in adulthood, or even at older ages, they were all born happy when they were kids. So most probably, something wrong happened during the process of growth. I don't mean basic growth babies go through by the way. Learning continues until you die. It is very likely that something that musn't happen happened to you or you yourself did something else wrong you are not aware of, which caused you to set up various wrong connections or dopamin addictions in your brain. First of all, you need to increase your awareness regarding those wrong habits. Once you reach this kind of a awareness, the next step is focusing on the solution. After that, you need to take good care of your heath. Most basic brain disorders consist of distorted dopamin reseptors and inflammation. If you masturbate a lot or have sex regularly, do yourself a favor and stop indulging in such activities completely. If you smoke, stop smoking( Of course, easier said than done except that you have such a thing as willpower. Make good use of it. Once upon a time, I too was where you are coming from but finally got out of this stituation -at least, I am about to, very close to eventually getting rid of all of my unnecessary thinking patterns. I started to be able to pick up a good book and finish it cover to cover ). Dopamin addiction also bidirectionally makes those unnecessary connections stronger. So do not hesitate to target most basic part of the problem. After that comes the issue of inflammations. Inflammation inside your brain may slow down the communication between your neurons which yields to things like depression or slow wit. To reduce inflammation I highly recommend that you do intermittent fasting. What else? What about the connections unrelated to sex or food addiction? Maybe certain traumas, accidental negative thinking which transformed into obsession. What are you gonna do for these? I highly recommend meditation.Make it a daily habit. Meditate, at least, one hour a day. Half hour non-reactive meditation and half hour concentration exercise. Let me explain what each of them means.

In non-reactive meditation, you'll carefully observe your thoughts without reacting to them. As soon as you recognize your mind is trying to understand something or find a solution to a problem, gently stop the thought and keep watching your thoughts. Each time you notice an interesting subject or extremely distressing thought, resist the temptation to engage in these thoughts. This way, you'll have weaken those unnecessary connections even if you haven't completely severed those connections.

Now, I assume you have learnt to not be affected by the wrong programming in your subconscious mind.
At this stage after that, you have already succeeded the pretty essential part of the mental development process. You'll be more present. You'll be able to use your prefrontal cortex responsible for your conscious thinking skill much better since you will have learnt to not engage in irrelevant automatized thinking patterns.

Let's pass to the concentration exercise. Since you have already weakened those not-so-needed associations,
now, we can pass to truly pruning these. In concentration meditation, you'll simply say "beep" from your mind each time a thought appears inside your mind to cease it completely. You can also pinch yourself to stop the thought. Since your brain is more receptive to pain, this will increase your presence. This will truly teach you to pay attention to Now instead of a lot of worrying or fantasizing without taking initiative at all.

This way, you are constantly disabling your brain's default networking mode. What is the brain's default networking mode for? It is just random chattering which usually makes no sense. It was given to us, to regularly use the previously learned information or algorithms(known steps leading to the solutions we face) without having to think consciously. Quite automatic. Still serves a purpose yet our mind is not all about it. It is usually comprised of the track of your previous thinking. And it is very dangerous if you program it wrong either deliberately or due to the things you can't control that befall you. Do these exercises regularly, you'll recover. Your brain's default networking mode will end up closing down. Thus, you'll decide which predefined algorithm you will use with your conscious mind as if yourself have put it with your hand. You can program your subconscious mind faster and more easily instead of constantly having to rely on automatic thoughts that serve no purpose. Your subconscious mind will be the servant of your conscious mind instead of the other way around.

And final warning : You will necessarily have setbacks from time to time. This is pretty normal. Just do not give up. And keep trying different methods the times when you understand that the systems you are using do not work anymore. As Albert Einstein said, definition of insanity : doing same things over and over and expecting different results. Hope this helps

 

(By the way, I am aware of consciousness being beyond science and that you are not all about your brain but I don't wanna confuse a beginner with this kind of "mystery")

[NeonLayf]

On 13.10.2021 at 9:57 AM, Superfluo said:

You need to address the mind at a more basic level. Doing spiritual work with OCD will lead to mild results and a lot of frustration. Be strategic in your approach to self-actualization. Address the mind first. Then, when the mind is more stable, do what you want.

Yes, of course healing the mind is the first step to advanced spirituality. I'm focusing on healing my mind. 

 

On 13.10.2021 at 9:57 AM, Superfluo said:

You may benefit from embodying the practice of letting go. OCD is the opposite of letting go. You need to learn to let go. Let go of the negative consequences:

• You made a mistake. So what?
• You did something embarassing. So what?
• You talked with someone and they seemed embarassed or upset or they felt awkward, and now you think they have negative emotions towards you. So what?

"So what?" needs to become your default phrase every moment of your life. Seriously. But rehearsing this phrase will make your OCD worse. Why? Because your mind will always find many reasons to overwhelm your, to flood your thoughts with arguments for not letting go.

Let go. OCD is pretty much mental, so the mind needs to learn to let go. BE SERIOUS. Don't squander. Learn to let go. After you learn to let go, learn to let go of needing to let go, because your mind will attach to that too.

I think that's also part of the Greymond Method I'm following. You just have to accept whatever OCD throws at you and if you fully embrace it, the fear will vanish. 

What if I won't ever stop thinking about my bodily sensations? What if I have the psychosomatic pain forever? What if I can really cause a heart attack with my own thoughts? I need embrace the possibilities and accept any outcome, then the fear will vanish. Of course this is easier said than done. But this journey is so worthwhile, not only for OCD but for life in general. 

 

On 13.10.2021 at 11:59 AM, HypnoticMagician said:

It is very likely that something that musn't happen happened to you or you yourself did something else wrong you are not aware of, which caused you to set up various wrong connections or dopamin addictions in your brain.

 

In school I was totally overwhelmed. The school stress and the bullying was too much for me, because I have always been a very introverted person even since kindergarten. During that time, the compulsions arose. (around 12 years old) When I was 14, I was already in a mental clinic and put on SSRI. But I only took them for a few months. The doctors themselves wanted me off them, because I was so young. 
 

[Michael569]

@NeonLayf How is your health otherwise? A lot of incredible tips have already been shared and many useful techniques but other aspects of your physical health haven't been discussed. 

Are you otherwise healthy? How is your energy, digestion, mood, sleep, diet, activity level. Do you take enough vitamin D? Do you eat enough fatty acids and whole foods? All these things have a significant impact on how your brain operates. I've seen improvement in people's mental health through dietary and lifestyle adjustments. In combination with mindfulness techniques and spiritual practice they can work beautifully. 

Maybe not but make sure nothing is being left on the table 

[LSD-Rumi]

@NeonLayf Hi dude!

I have the same problem. What you have is called pure O OCD which is a subtype of  OCD characterized by intrusive and annoying thoughts that are very difficult to get rid of. My OCD caused me so much pain and damage to my psyche for many years now. It caused me social anxiety, depression, and anxiety. It is one of the most difficult types of OCD to treat. 
SO what to do? I have found that the best way to effectively treat OCD is by a method called ERP, exposure-response prevention. So what does is it mean? it means doing the opposite of what you're doing now. It means instead of getting annoyed and reacting to the thoughts in a negative way, you should start non-reacting at all! whenever a thought comes, don't try to defeat it, and don't try to explain to yourself why it's wrong. Don't do any of that! instead, just let it go, ignore it, just let it be without any kind of resistance. Start treating them as mere distractions and silly thoughts. Once you start doing this, they will become less and less annoying and you will start not even noticing that they are there!

Also, It is helpful to accept the content of OCD instead of resisting it. what do I mean by that? I mean if the OCD tells you are sexually attracted to your mother, you say hmmm maybe, nothing wrong with that, Maybe I should start seeing girls around   

Stick with ERP, practice it every day, it works like magic, I have personal experience with it. I practice it daily and it tends to build momentum so it becomes more and more effective and easier to do day by day.

Also, you can try using some relaxing herbs, to ease things a bit when the OCD is all over you. I started drinking ashwagandha tea and it has this amazing calming effect. also, passionflower extract is amazing too. They will be a big help to you. Some studies also indicate that a substance called inositol is very helpful to people with OCD. Another one is called NAC. I did not take them personally but the research is very strong regarding those two materials.

Last thing I want to say, is to take things slowly,  don't get depressed or sad if you failed a couple of times doing ERP. It is very hard at the beginning but it is the only way to treat OCD. Your OCD mind is like a bully and you keep reacting to what the bully says. Instead with ERP, you stop caring about what the bully says until you don't even notice it is there.

take care bud.

 

[NeonLayf]

Hi, I'm back from trying to implente the new stuff. My OCD didn't attack me during meditation as hard as I fought. But I also haven't done any real work in ERP and the meditations didn't involve breathing techniques. It was just do-nothing-meditations as a means to get me closer to the whole topic. For me this is a whole new world. I never tried listening inwards in fear of my OCD. 

Now I realize, how hard in general it is to  shut off your mind. Your mind is constantly wandering off, and when not... you're falling asleep lol. 

However I think this is a good development now and now I can go into meditation as a newbie

I'm still not sure if I should deepen my meditation techniques first, or do hardcore ERP first. 

 

On 19.10.2021 at 0:58 PM, Michael569 said:

How is your health otherwise? A lot of incredible tips have already been shared and many useful techniques but other aspects of your physical health haven't been discussed. 

Are you otherwise healthy? How is your energy, digestion, mood, sleep, diet, activity level. Do you take enough vitamin D? Do you eat enough fatty acids and whole foods? All these things have a significant impact on how your brain operates. I've seen improvement in people's mental health through dietary and lifestyle adjustments. In combination with mindfulness techniques and spiritual practice they can work beautifully. 

Maybe not but make sure nothing is being left on the table 

Good point. I have problems with my energy. For approximately 5 years now I feel a decline in energy. I'm much quicker exhausted than other people and it's especially difficult for me use stars / go up a hill. I'm sooo exhausted after that. 

I let my blood get examined and they told me there are just some random deficiencies and I cleared all these. I went to my doctor and did an exercise ECG. And they told me oh well yes, you really are sweating more and are in a worse place after the short trip of cycling, you heart is pounding too hard for this little exercise, you should hop on betablockers (for your whole life) °-°

I take them sometimes now, but not regularly, not everyday, for the rest of my life.... Wouldn't even solve the issue. I have low energy even if my heart stops beating so fast. 

 

On 20.10.2021 at 6:03 PM, LSD-Rumi said:

I have the same problem. What you have is called pure O OCD which is a subtype of  OCD characterized by intrusive and annoying thoughts that are very difficult to get rid of. My OCD caused me so much pain and damage to my psyche for many years now. It caused me social anxiety, depression, and anxiety. It is one of the most difficult types of OCD to treat. 

Thanks for lifting me up

 

On 20.10.2021 at 6:03 PM, LSD-Rumi said:

SO what to do? I have found that the best way to effectively treat OCD is by a method called ERP, exposure-response prevention.

The infamous ERP. That was my question.. should I start it right away ? Do you do this hardcore style? My online guide said something like actively TRY TO GET TRIGGERED. Bring yourself into situations where your OCD will destroy you. For me for example, this would entail writing words like "breathing" all over the walls, as post-it-notes on my PC etc. Did you heal yourself with this?

 

Thank you everyone for the support.