Jon_Bundesen

Should you have sex just to satisfy a need?

29 posts in this topic

Posted (edited)

I saw this girl at a party and we kissed. 

Am a virgin and next week my parents aren't home so I was thinking about having sex with her because I got this deep craving for sex because I feel like am missing out on something since all my friends are doing it and because I don't want to miss out on the opportunity I have. At the same time, I feel horrible just having sex with a girl I don't even like that much just to meet a need.

Also, I feel like sex is an easy pleasure and I want to have sex with her so I can distract myself from the real work I have to be doing. But on the other side satisfying my need will maybe make the craving go away and I will see that sex is not really fulfilling me and I will go back to doing the real work.

Advice, please :)

Edited by Jon_Bundesen

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@Jon_Bundesen Good question.

Do you know what need you're meeting for her? If you know that and you're doing that and that aligns with your need also getting met, i.e. if it is a win-win, then go ahead with it!

If this isn't the case, and if you aren't really desperate, I would advise you to scrutinize your reasons as to why you want to do it.

The thing that could happen in this situation is that you may come up with an idealized Disney-fantasy of how it's going to go, when the reality may be totally different. This is a product of objectification of the other person. If you're doing that, it will drain the other person to be your sexual object. Also, you will act narcissistically and not consider her boundaries. A pretty problematic trap to be cognizant of in the long-term. Which is why I really appreciate you asking this question! :)

If you're desperate and doing the Disney-fantasy thing, a one-off thing could go well for you. I don't know about her though. And, it's not going to go well long-term, that's a guarantee. But, if you are able to sense what she needs and if you are wanting to offer that to her, then it'll go very well!


"Do not pray for an easy life. Pray for the strength to endure a difficult one." - Bruce Lee

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@Parththakkar12 Thanks for the answer.

I don't really want to be in a relationship with her just want to have sex with her but at the same time, I don't know if she wants that or if she would rather make it a long-term thing which I kind of fear because if it isn't a girl I like and I have to spend time with her to sacrifice my own growth there's just no way am I doing that. It puts too much pain on knowing that I could be doing something better.

I was thinking that I would call her and ask if she wants to come over and have some fun, so she hopefully realizes I just want to have sex with her but no long-term thinking.

Is this a bad way of going about it I don't want to be an asshole?

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@Jon_Bundesen If it's only about sex, then you're gonna be fine! Then you have no issue here.

However, from what you're saying, it's not only about sex. It's about meeting some emotional need of yours through it.

First of all, sex is not a need. It's a desire or a drive but not a 'need' per se. If you're feeling the 'need', that's a deeper emotional need that you're trying to meet. So, sexual pleasure will not fill that void. If you disagree with me on this, go for it and see for yourself! But, if you do see it, you could benefit from taking what I'm saying seriously.

Now, if she doesn't know what she's signing up for, you could create an emotional dependency on her. Right now, you're saying that you don't want something long-term. This may change! I'm not saying an emotional dependency is a bad thing or that a long-term thing is a bad thing, I'm saying that in order to be emotionally prepared for things to go long-term, you need to know what need you're meeting for her and commit to that.

If you don't do this and you start to emotionally depend on her, that is a recipe for disaster.

This is irrespective of whether you actually want things to go long-term or not. What this will do though is that it will take away your fear of things going long-term, if you catch my drift!


"Do not pray for an easy life. Pray for the strength to endure a difficult one." - Bruce Lee

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Posted (edited)

@Parththakkar12 Yeah didn't mean need but desire or drive.

So I don't know should I then go fulfill that desire or understand why sex won't bring me the true fulfillment I'm after?

Also, should you have sex with women just to have sex with them or would that be a foolish thing to do? (Would you be wiser of then doing it?)

Edited by Jon_Bundesen

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@Jon_Bundesen If you haven't seen for yourself that sex won't fulfill you, you don't know that. In that case, it would be a good idea to go for it. If you haven't figured out how to get what you want for yourself, talk about 'not being narcissistic' in relationship is just irrelevant!

When you used the word 'need' in your question, I got confused.

3 minutes ago, Jon_Bundesen said:

Also, should you have sex with women just to have sex with them or would that be a foolish thing to do? (Would you be wiser of then doing it?)

Ideally, this should be the reason to have sex with them! When you said 'to satisfy a need', that got a little confusing for me.


"Do not pray for an easy life. Pray for the strength to endure a difficult one." - Bruce Lee

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@Jon_Bundesen  Since you're a virgin, the answer is: just do it.

5 minutes ago, Jon_Bundesen said:

Also, should you have sex with women just to have sex with them or would that be a foolish thing to do? 

As long as you're not lying about your intentions, there is no clear right and wrong. It depends on what phase of life you are in, and what your goals are.

It's a deeply personal question that every person has to find their own answer to.

And getting some experience really helps to find that out for yourself.


I help adults with ADD to overcome self-doubt, function optimally and live their dreams through my proprietary coaching program.

https://calendly.com/erik-coaching/add-coaching-free-strategy-consult

Besides that, ♂ I offer single breakthrough calls for men on social life, dating, relationships and sexuality.

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Well you can always have sex with someone as long as you are upfront and honest about what you want.

If you aren't looking for a relationship, don't make her feel like you do, because that would mean dishonesty on your side. Be open and clear intent right from the get go. You don't wanna screw this.

 


 INTP loner... .shy girl.. The devil loves me a bit too much. 

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@Parththakkar12 

3 minutes ago, Parththakkar12 said:

Ideally, this should be the reason to have sex with them! When you said 'to satisfy a need', that got a little confusing for me.

But I mean wouldn't that be a low consciousness thing if you are trying to acquire pleasure from that?

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Posted (edited)

5 minutes ago, Jon_Bundesen said:

@Parththakkar12 

But I mean wouldn't that be a low consciousness thing if you are trying to acquire pleasure from that?

It's not low-consciousness if you are a virgin. You are acquiring a new experience, you are growing yourself, you are raising your level of consciousness. You are getting a new experience!

However, if you were a sex-addict who was just pumping and dumping women left and right, then yes. It would be low-consciousness!

And as far as pleasure goes, that is the point of sex! That is the absolutely right motivation to have sex!! You are in reality about sex if that's your motivation. You're not deluding yourself about it.

Edited by Parththakkar12

"Do not pray for an easy life. Pray for the strength to endure a difficult one." - Bruce Lee

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@flowboy True :)

@Preety_India Well, should I tell her I just want to have sex? Or be more subtle about it and ask her if she wants to come to my place :)

 

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Just now, Jon_Bundesen said:

@flowboy True :)

@Preety_India Well, should I tell her I just want to have sex? Or be more subtle about it and ask her if she wants to come to my place :)

 

Tell her upfront that you want only sex. If she finds you attractive enough, then she might say yes or she will flake on you.


 INTP loner... .shy girl.. The devil loves me a bit too much. 

Quick access to journal entries

 

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@Parththakkar12 I heard Leo say that you could make or break your life in your teen years so I was just wondering if it was a bad time to get some success sexually that's my core question because I feel bad going to parties and hanging out with my friends for hours not working on myself.

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3 minutes ago, Jon_Bundesen said:

Well, should I tell her I just want to have sex? Or be more subtle about it and ask her if she wants to come to my place

Be more subtle about it.

If you tell her that you just want to have sex, you might make her feel bad for it and cause her to say no (internalized slut shame), even though she might want the same thing.

Just don't fake anything. That is enough.

Don't fake having feelings for her that you don't actually have. And when she asks you something about that, don't lie.

No need to be jarring and in-your-face about it like that.

Have to disagree with Preety here.


I help adults with ADD to overcome self-doubt, function optimally and live their dreams through my proprietary coaching program.

https://calendly.com/erik-coaching/add-coaching-free-strategy-consult

Besides that, ♂ I offer single breakthrough calls for men on social life, dating, relationships and sexuality.

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Posted (edited)

@Preety_India But that would hurt so much if I got rejected :D

@flowboy Yead I once faked my feelings for a girl and told her friend that I didn't like her and got absolutely obliviated xD

Edited by Jon_Bundesen

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@Jon_Bundesen well that's called life. I would be hurt as well if a guy rejected me. That's just how things are 

That's the learning you're actually and subconsciously looking for 

Rest is just cushioning and running away from real learning.. aka self preservation.

 


 INTP loner... .shy girl.. The devil loves me a bit too much. 

Quick access to journal entries

 

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Just now, Jon_Bundesen said:

@Parththakkar12 I heard Leo say that you could make or break your life in your teen years so I was just wondering if it was a bad time to get some success sexually that's my core question because I feel bad going to parties and hanging out with my friends for hours not working on myself.

Well, low-hanging fruit doesn't hurt! Sexual experience doesn't hurt, you will not regret it at all. And, hanging out with your friends doesn't hurt at all. It's normal! Being normal is okay. Nothing morally wrong with it.

Having friends becomes harder with time. Having relationships becomes harder with time. With time, you'll see that no amount of success will compensate for loneliness or lack of good relationships! Money will not make you happy either. The point being, don't waste these opportunities for socializing you get in your teen-years if you like and fit in with your friends. Even if you're doing nothing productive at a party!

However, if you feel like your time is getting wasted with them, if you don't really like them or fit in with them, if you have some goal that you're procrastinating taking action towards and your addiction to spending time with your friends and partying is getting in the way, that's a different story. Then, everything that Leo says about Life Purpose and self-actualization applies to your situation. If you want to rise above the norm, if you aren't happy with the 'normal life' that society offers you, if you want more, then you have to go above and beyond the norm. Then, yeah. What Leo says applies.


"Do not pray for an easy life. Pray for the strength to endure a difficult one." - Bruce Lee

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Posted (edited)

15 minutes ago, Jon_Bundesen said:

@Preety_India But that would hurt so much if I got rejected :D

You seem to care about doing things "right", so you need to determine what your values are.

Values are what you live by, whether it will hurt or not.

Living by your own values will put you above 90% of people who are morally broke, and just trying to manipulate every situation to get short-term pleasure or avoid short-term pain.

It will earn you a lot of natural respect, too.

 

Not easy. I'm not saying I do this perfectly, far from it.

But good to get started with early.

 

And you find them by life experience.

So for example, you tried faking your feelings and didn't like the result. Maybe now you can decide to value honesty, or authenticity, or whatever value you think is most fitting (you can find lists of examples).

That's why it's good to get experiences.

Edited by flowboy

I help adults with ADD to overcome self-doubt, function optimally and live their dreams through my proprietary coaching program.

https://calendly.com/erik-coaching/add-coaching-free-strategy-consult

Besides that, ♂ I offer single breakthrough calls for men on social life, dating, relationships and sexuality.

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She's not going to have sex with you unless you build a good rapport.

And you cannot make any of this explicit.


You are God. You are Love. You are Infinity. You are Leo.

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