Feeling stuck

[Travisty]

Hey everyone!

This is my first time posting here but I've followed Leo's content since the early days. I'm not really sure what I'm looking for here but I want to share my story with some potentially like minded individuals and see what y'all think. 

In 2014/15 I was heavily into self improvement. I was doing all the the stuff they recommend. Meditating all the time, eating really clean, reading lots of good books, watching quality content, and just in general trying my best to be a good person in the world working my butt off. I was the happiest I had ever been and was very at peace with myself and the world. Life felt magical and amazing. Then I got hit with depression seemingly out of nowhere for no apparent reason. I became numb and lost the ability to feel any emotion, good or bad. I lost touch with reality and ended up hospitalized because I wanted to end my life.

At the time the only thing I could think of was maybe it was a so called "dark night of the soul". After getting help I slowly began to get back to how I was before but something had changed. It was like something inside of me died. That spark I had once had for life was gone.

Now I find myself here many years later, a shell of my former self. Healthy habits replaced with toxic ones. I struggle to be optimistic. I find it harder to be compassionate. Harder to accept the suffering and difficulties of life. I've regressed and it kills me. I know what I'm missing out on since I've been to that place of self actualization but I struggle to get myself back to that place.

I can geniuenly say I've tried my best at times but my mental health issues still always seem to linger. It doesn't make sense to me this all would have happened when I was living such a healthy life style before. I'm very worn down from fighting for so long. I struggle to get the fire lit inside of me that I now need to pull myself out of this hole. Not sure what to do. I feel overwhelmed and hopeless. I lack meaning and purpose in my life now but my depression has been making it very difficult for me to find it again. 

As a last aside I would like to add that I have been and currently am getting professional help for my mental health issues.

Thank you for your time!

[Blackhawk]

@Travisty I'm sorry to hear about your problem.
I wish I could help, but unfortunately I can't. I lack the ability.

[mememe]

13 hours ago, Travisty said:

I struggle to get the fire lit inside of me that I now need to pull myself out of this hole. Not sure what to do.

you will get deeper into problems in the forum. probably.

it‘s too much talking and additional to your own problems you get into problems of others, some of them actively drawing you in.  (yesterday a forum member even got threatened - it’s shit crazy aggressive at times)

low consciousness stuff about sex and gender bombs almost every thread and you get confronted with some guys personal sexual tally sheet if you are searching for spirituality or not.

additionally you might be told to find what you have lost around here in a book. sth insignificant like self esteem or healthy habits, a life etc.

best thing to do as you already have a therapist maybe an additional coach or a health retreat  (not the wellness type, but more medical or psychologically supported) 

get a rest and redefine your physical life regarding your values, while similarly working on your values - find different sources for that, best in an everyday setting.

Edited July 26, 2021 by mememe

[Travisty]

@Blackhawk That's alright. Thank you for responding regardless.

[Travisty]

@mememe Hey thanks for taking the time to respond. I appreciate your warning.

I'm only here to get different perspectives and gain from them what I can. I can filter out anything not useful.

I have been thinking about a sort of health retreat or something of the sorts. I have enough money saved to do a small one somewhere. Maybe someone here has some they recommend?

I have been working on much of what you have said and it definitely has been helping and I'm better off now getting good rest, exercising, and living in line with my values more. I started my journaling habit recently. Next is to get my meditation practice back to daily and for longer. 

 

 

[mememe]

@Travisty good to hear you are on the right track!

the health retreat is bit difficult - there are so many approaches. it depends a bit on where you are, too.

if you are already supervised do you want to focus on psychological work or more something to regain body energy? i‘m guessing a lot of retreats/health clinics focus a bit more on either or.

Edited July 27, 2021 by mememe

[RickyFitts]

It might seem counter-intuitive, but maybe the healthy living actually allowed all the feelings you'd previously stuffed down to come to the surface? That tends to be a necessary part of the healing process for most people I think, though it can be easy to conclude that something's gone wrong when it happens, and it can be extremely challenging to navigate those choppy waters when it does happen.

On that basis, maybe it's worthwhile to get back into those healthy habits and just see how it goes?

[Waken]

On 26-7-2021 at 2:33 AM, Travisty said:

I struggle to be optimistic. I find it harder to be compassionate. Harder to accept the suffering and difficulties of life. I've regressed and it kills me. I know what I'm missing out on since I've been to that place of self actualization but I struggle to get myself back to that place.

And how to these thoughts feel: "I don't have to try to be optimistic", "I don't have to try to be compassionate", and "I don't have to bring myself back to a place I've already been". This is a method you could use. Find thoughts that give you relief and make you feel better. It doesn't matter what the thought is, whatever it is, any thought will do, just a thought that feels good and gives some relief and thereby releasing resistance. And then you do it, feel some relief and after some time the negative pattern comes back somewhat, and you find thoughts again that give relief and feel good. You can climb your way to better feeling thoughts this way over time, start whereever you are and then go for better and better feelings thoughts: "I don't have to be different than I am now", "I don't have to have it figured out", "Maybe I made things harder for myself than they need to be", "I only have to be gentle with myself", "I really appreciate what I've learned in the meantime", etc.