Luc1nda

I have never been more confused about my life purpose

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Posted (edited)

I normally hate asking for help or advise or showing weakness to people but at this point I have no one to talk to about this, and its caused me a huge amount of pain to the point all I wanna do is curl up in my bed and do nothing. So buckle up, this is gonna be a long one.

July 2019, 6AM on a monday morning, waking up was a piece of cake. I never thought twice about whether I should get out of bed, I just did it. Then came meditation, morning studying, visualisation, breakfast, all the monotonous tasks of morning. Then after school, I'd come home, and study for a few hours before bed, with minimal time wasted. 

This was a huge change from me going to sleep at 5am and waking up at 1pm, and doing nothing the entire day, and feeling fucking miserable.

I had just come out of a traumatising dysfunctional abusive relationship which lasted a year long, I used to be sad, depressed, I hated myself so much for the person I was, all those little things about me, how I talked, how I presented myself and the things I did. How little I've done with my life, the fact that I have never worked properly hard in my life, I used to live life on the surface, never doing homework even though I wanted to, always DOING things, always playing video games, consuming, wasting my life, stimulating myself, and taking the poorest choices.

After being in an abusive relationship, it made me value freedom, because if I wasn't there for him always, he'd cause an argument. It also made me value free time and making the most of it, as I was living life on my phone, always texting him, whether I was with friends, family, anywhere. It was like having a ball and chain attached to me, I couldn't appreciate life. This in a way motivated me, because the more time I spent wasting my life with that, the more I wanted to do after I got out of it. And when I did, boy it was great. 

I had been more driven by vision, more motivated than I have ever been in my entire life, I have never felt so passionate about something, I thought I had found my life purpose, and for once in my life I felt like I wasn't inadequate, or not living up to my full potential. I felt like I had woken up after sleeping my entire life, I was a million times more aware and crystal clear about my intentions.

Physics fascinated me, mainly because I found such a beauty with it, to me it was the pursuit of truth. The journey for fully mapping out the mechanics of reality, how the world worked, and thats how I learnt about relativity and quantum mechanics. I was so fascinated I'd spend hours researching and thinking about these concepts, trying to map them out in my head and make sense of all this information, and even though it was hard, being someone who was never used to any straining cognitive activities, I loved every second of it. 

This to me was my life purpose, I wanted to know how the world worked, science as a whole intrigued me so much, to me this was a journey, a journey of discovery. I was so sure of this.

This drive took me from getting 4s (Cs and Ds) in my GCSEs to getting 8s (A/A*s) in almost all my subjects, purely because this drive got me out of bed and in the best possible habits, and built an insane amount of momentum. I was sure I wanted to study Physics and Mathematics in college, (which is equivalent to grade 11 and 12), I wasn't more sure and crystal clear in my life.

Months pass and month by month, my drive sorta dies down.

Then lockdown hit, this is where homeostasis kicked in, and I got a nasty ego backlash. My sleep schedule had shifted at worst, to an almost nocturnal schedule, being awake playing video games with friends until 5-8am, to waking up when the sun set. I had no school, my GCSEs were cancelled, I thought that I could use this time to enrich myself in more knowledge, maybe get really good at art again, and use all that time effectively. What did I do? Waste an entite 7 months doing nothing. I felt miserable that things just didnt work anymore, I tried sticking to a routine but I just couldn't stick, trying to be more aware but then wasting my time moments later, I tried doing Math but even the simplest things I just didn't have the attention span or patience to do, I was stuck in this rut for months. Waking up, wasting time, feeling shit before I slept, repeat. Eventually I got so frustrated I tried persevering more and more, day after day I clawed one step up the mountain, it became a battle everyday just to stay focused on literally anything and not waste my time indulging myself with things like Youtube, dopamine and stimulation. To this day its like you're caught in a huge storm in the middle of the ocean, as soon as I swim up to grasp for air I get hit by a huge wave, and have to swim up again and again and again, over and over. Me trying to gain momentum, good habits, and finally reaching a good point, then homeostasis kicks in and I go back to being miserable and making absolutely no progress in my skills and things I wanna do. Nothing has been more frustrating, emotionally draining and its made me suffer countless times, because I know this isn't my full potential, but sometimes I ask myself if this is all I'll ever be. I had lost all passion in life, I was second guessing studying science and physics as a life purpose, and questioning whether that was even a true live purpose to begin with. So I tried finding new ones, I tried drawing again, and making a story I've been working on.

Then I started college, I was not prepared at all. I had picked some of the hardest A levels, which means copious amounts of work, and with those awful habits I had, with the added fact that I had remote learning in the same enviroment I had wasted 7 months of my life doing fuckall, I struggled. I could barely concentrate in class, nor even do assignments, even if they were short and easy and even if I could understand the content perfectly fine.  After being able to do anything with focus and clarity, to not even being able to fully focus on a simple task, I felt useless. Especially around my classmates, who could seemingly do and understand things with ease, I envy them looking fully relaxed while I'm struggling and stressing to barely pull myself together. I felt like how I was 3 years ago, intellectually disabled, like there was something wrong with me. Working was like putting two magnets with the same poles together, you just cant get them to touch, they only repel, in this case I just couldn't focus. Still everyday I tried and tried and tried, maybe sometimes I made progress but no real academic progress, my assignments were always never done or late, and my grades were below Ds. I tried to do something different everytime something didn't work, like meditation again, setting times where I work, blocking my study times, studying little and often, going into college and asking teachers for help, working at college, cutting off social media, isolating myself from friends, minimalising distractions, all these things just never stuck, no matter how small I tried starting, because I was so lazy and unfocused, and the added stress of exams and assignments just completely stunted any growth. And yes, I have been trying to change my habits, systems and patterns and the root causes of these issues.

So I tried looking for my vision again, and I just couldn't find it. I couldn't find anything compelling enough to get me to focus, get me to study and work, I tried reviving my passion for science but all I could feel was stress when thinking about it. My teachers started doubting me, and are saying that I had picked the wrong subjects. Although I had figured out this was true before they mentioned it, there is honestly nothing better I can do about it, I cant change the subjects, even if I did I wouldn't know what to pick. So I should just embrace what I have now and try do my best. 

All the factory-like systems, exams and assignments have completely abolished my passion for science and mathematics.

As a result I've been escaping to making my story after college, sketching characters, enviroments, worlds, and building this fantasy world all of my own making. I really coundn't find it more fun, designing fantasy landscapes, scenarios, story and meaning, entire civilizations. Every cinematic idea or design idea I put into this story/world, almost subconciously, all for the joy of it. I can literally put in orchestra/soundtrack/instrumental music and escape to a world entirely of my own, visit places that only exist in my dreams, imagine beauty, meaning and story, but then I wake up for the next day of lessons, and the intense anxiety and stress returns. 

And for the past 4 months I've been asking myself, over and over and over, "What do I want?" copious amounts of times, everyday, the question which bothers me for hours and hours. Its plagued my entire mind and with the added stress of school, my mom pressuring me into university and telling me if I don't get a degree, I wont live a financially free life and she goes into detail about why, and it just scares me and scares me to the point of tears. While everyone around me is easing through education I'm constantly living a stressed life worrying about my grades, because I'm failing every single one of them. Its been bringing me more frustration and suffering which is stopping me from studying all together.

You may be asking, what am I interested in? What do I value?

I value understanding the world around me, and creativity and output.

I guess my hobbies are:

-Art and animation

-Programming and game development

-Story making

-Systems thinking in science and theoretical physics

-Youtube and video editing

-Mathematics for fun

And I have countless other things which I'm fascinated in learning but have absolutely no experience whatsoever in, such as music. I like too many things for my own good, its like having to choose one thing off a huge buffet when you want it all.

I just don't know, and its caused me so much frustration and suffering see my grades drop suddenly and despite all my efforts I have made no progress, its only me making a little progress, then going back a step because of homeostasis.

And now I have my exams coming up which could determine whether I get into a good university or not, or a university at all. And so far, I'm failing all my subjects, I couldn't be more anxious and stressed than I am now. 

I'm trying to find a vision, a reason to study, a reason to not be stressed and overwhelmed. But I just cant, with college being like a ball and chain, I can't not stop going along with these courses, I can't take a break to truly discover what I want.

I have a fatal flaw, I critisize myself in my head intensely when I can't control myself. When I waste an entire evening I could of used to be studying for an exam which I got barely a few questions right in, or whether everyone around me can do something easily and I cant. And the thing is, I can understand the courses and the content just fine. I just can't study at home, focus and complete deadlines. I've always had this problem, my entire life and I just wish I didn't. I have a constant fear of inadequacy and a lack of control over myself, or being a slave to my desires, because thats been me my whole life until 2 years ago, and I couldn't feel more disgusted and disappointed with myself. This has manifested into something more toxic than I have ever imagined, an insane amount of anxiety, terrible, terrible self esteem and numbness.

Currently, I've improved most of my awful toxic habits. Its mainly my emotions, intense axiety and stress holding me back from making any personal development or academic improvement. What I'm trying to do here is improve my work ethic, get better habits, read more books, enrich myself in knowledge and understand the world around me, and build the perfect foundation. But it seems impossible with all these emotional problems, and college holding me back. I want to know what I want, I want to be free from myself and from the stress college gives me. Becauseit barely gives me time to contemplate or nurture my interests, or work through the various coping mechanisms (like the one I mentioned) I have considered I might have some form of ADD, which I need to sort out.

 

if you've read all this way, thank you. I literally have no one to talk to about this, if I told my mom she'd overreact, same with anyone else. I know I'm overthinking and stressing too much, I just feel so trapped, I know what to do, its just going to require an insane amount of more suffering to do it, at this point I think I couldn't get any worse. Feel free to Criticise the hell out of me, I know I have a lot of work to do.

Edited by Luc1nda

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@Luc1nda Feel free to do whatever you want and allow yourself to do whatever you want. Your being to hard on your self. 

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Posted (edited)

Hey there,

It sounds like you might enjoy some virtual world creation/simulation. Leo even said in one of his videos on his blog that in the next 50 years video games will progress to the point of the creation of a super high quality virtual world, like a legit world. Maybe you could be part of that.

 Whatever you end up perusing, I believe you will have plenty of passion to help you accomplish TONS.

 You said you want to create “the perfect foundation”. Nah, that’s perfectionism. You don’t need that. It’s going to be alright. 
 

you seem unsure if you even want to go to university, so why stress about getting into the good universities haha. Your future will not be tarnished, no matter what. That’s all just worry. 
 

as far as the school work goes, I seriously doubt that everyone around you truly feels like school is a breeze. I’ve never encountered that situation in 16 years of school. You’d have to issue them a survey to convince me of that.

maybe try not asking so much of yourself like as if you were in a do or die situation, because you’re not. Do you like nature? Maybe go out into nature and get in touch with it. Look at some beauty and relax. Maybe even take a littke weed (just don’t make a frequent habit out of it) and contemplate your situation, if you’re into that. I mean, I don’t smoke myself but I have before and it helps you just laugh about your situation a bit and chill out some. Be careful though, if you think it might give you anxiety.

you’re intelligent I can tell, you can treat discipline like any other personal development pursuit. Take a strategic approach to building on that discipline, maybe journal about how you did with it everyday, and try to do just a tiny bit better every day, and then schedule some days on which you will relax and get ready to go at it again. Slowly ramp up, and don’t go overboard with your expectations of yourself.
 

also, beyond solutions to all of your problems, what are you excited about? Maybe this is a better question than what do you want because that question is harder to nail down, since it is usually to the exclusion of other things. Anyway, I want to know.

 

Edited by Bob Seeker

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12 hours ago, Bob Seeker said:

My ultimate advice is to ask for help from people who can understand you better. For example, a therapist can help you deconstruct your situation, understand it, make the decisions that are right for you and grow through the whole process. It’s simply to too hard to figure it all out on your own. You could ask your mom to help you find one, and look for one who understands personal development, and spirituality. You could probably read about them on their bios or could have a short phone call with them or something. When I was your age I never liked asking for help. I hated looking weak, I didn’t think anyone would understand me, and I thought I could figure it all out myself. I totally get it. But I finally asked for help from a therapist in my final year at university and it helped tremendously. If I could turn back time I would have asked sooner. My experience through university would have been 5-10x better if I had done it my first year. So much unnecessary pain would have been avoided. 

Be careful about people just prescribing ADD medication or just giving you advice. You want people to understand you and then to help you understand yourself, and help you make the right decisions for you. There are definitely people out there who can do this, and I believe with a little effort and willingness to be brave and vulnerable you will make it happen.

Good Luck!

 

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Posted (edited)

@Bob Seeker

Man can I just say thanks for this, It really means a lot, god I'm feeling so much better now for just writing it. Not many people do this so I appreciate it ALOT.

I mainly wrote that because I was just spiraling down negative thoughts and didn't have anyone to talk to at the time. Feeling a lot better just writing out for mental clarity, 

Virtual worlds is definitely something I'm interested in, I remember having loads of ideas with it a year ago and it'd be amazing if I could work on it myself, no idea why but I'm obsessed with fantasy worlds, I've been making my own for a year and enjoy it a lot.

I've always had a really strong burning desire to create, like a YouTube video for example, ot an animation idea, or a feature in a game I'd wanna make, an idea in a story I wanna toy with, anything really, I love it. I could have like 50 ideas in a day but not be able to affectively execute them, and I believe thats one of my problems, the second problem is I guilt myself and criticise myself too much knowing that fact, so thats an emotional problem I need to sort out along with my lack of discipline, routine and work ethic. I've always thought that I'd need a strong vision for me to actually have the willpower to do this, but when I think about it building momentum, a good work ethic will be better than waiting or looking for a vision/reason/life purpose. It'd help me a lot better, thanks for making me realise that.

Deep down I know that it isn't the end of the world if I don't do well, and I know deep down that I don't know/don't really want to go to college, but I know I'd be the only person in the family without a degree and I wouldn't have a degree if I need to go in a job for an emergency, so its sort of a backup plan. But hey I'm only 17 and know little about the systems of the world. I've been brought up to know that university is a necessity for employment, and idk if this is true or not.

I think it stems from the fact that I have terrible self esteem and don't trust myself, hence why I've started reading The Six Pillars Of Self Esteem by Nathaniel Branden, and these emotional problems are holding me back. Actually when I write this down, I think its a mixture of problems which enhance themselves from the other problems, like lack of discipline makes me have worse self esteem, and worse self esteem makes me have a lack of discipline simply because I believe I am unable and am terrified of the future, that fear makes me unconcious and lose awareness, makes me more unable to be self disciplined and more anxious. Leading to more coping mechanisms which are unhealthy, its a coping mechanism which leads to more coping mechanisms, I could go into more detail but the point is, its a system! Of emotional turmoil.

Ah yes, I've taken weed once before, interesting suggestion actually, I'll try it once, why not? Obviously being aware of the issues it can possibly bring. Nature is one of my favourite things, I struggle to comprehend the beauty of it honestly, even if I only walk to college and back. I could draw it, create more of it in my head, its beauty.

In terms of what excites me, oh boy, thats a difficult one to answer. I spent some time thinking about this actually.

The art of creation and story, and its meaning, its feeling. Art as in literally anything, an output of the human psyche, I could list almost absolutely anything beautiful created in this world, beautiful as in transcending the need for survival, just pure genuine output. It gives me so much thrill just thinking about what I can make in this human life.

Also making sense of the world, discovering, experience, finding truth, reasoning with logic. Learning more and more and having a good understanding in this world, I'm not really the kind of person who has a specific thing they're interested in, literally anything beyond the subject of survival interests me. Whether its history, mathematics, theoretical physics, computer science, politics, or literally any science. I'm fascinated with making a self-evolving integrated worldview of the world. I guess thats why I resonated with Leo's content so much I suppose.

Yes these are abstract, and I intend to define these into things which will first of all enable me to live a good life while pursuing higher goals.

 

 

And yes, I have noticed I'm scared of asking for help, no idea why, I think it was some coping mechanism I developed, to my own detriment, as no one understood me, especially in a superficial world. I have met very few people(none my age) who somewhat resonate with me, so I guess I need to find more people like that. I did have a therapist and it helped so I'll probably try organise that again, especially in this time of need.

Thank you so much for all this advise, its helped me gain some new perspectives, it means a lot :)

@Mosess
You're right, I get that a lot hahhaha thanks fot replying

Edited by Luc1nda

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Your situation is super similar to mine, if that gives you any comfort. I'm also 17 and contemplating this stuff, feeling pretty lost. I feel like I'm interested in so many things, can't really pinpoint what I wanna do with those interests. Kind of like paralysis by analysis.

On 5/10/2021 at 3:46 PM, Luc1nda said:

All the factory-like systems, exams and assignments have completely abolished my passion for science and mathematics.

I have feared this as well


 "If you showed a caveman our technology, he would think it was magic. And if you showed a modern man magic, he would think it was technology." - Outlast (video game)

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1 hour ago, Luc1nda said:

The art of creation and story, and its meaning, its feeling. Art as in literally anything, an output of the human psyche, I could list almost absolutely anything beautiful created in this world, beautiful as in transcending the need for survival, just pure genuine output. It gives me so much thrill just thinking about what I can make in this human life

Great! So much to work with. Keep on creating, it’s so worth it, whatever you end up with.
 

I had struggled with low self-esteem at your age as well. Great job taking action. The lessons from The Six Pillars are great, and you can do a lot of reflecting/journaling on the implications for your life as you read it. It’s going to require courage but you definitely will be making progress. The only real things you want to be wary of, I think, are toxic friends or relationships, or any other situation that distracts you from doing the reflecting and reforming your life.

I really think you’re going to see so much improve over the next few years. 

 

 

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Posted (edited)

Hey!

First of all, that was a very interesting read. I think you were able to express yourself clearly. I thought it was insightful. Do you journal? It can be quite therapeutical.

Btw - would it be possible for you to have psychotherapy sessions? I agree with @Bob Seeker. If you find a good therapist, it can help tremendously.

 

It really breaks my heart to see young people completely overwhelmed by going to college. I've been there. All this overwhelming pressure is so  detrimental. 

Anyway, it seems like you are a self-taught kind of person. I really like the way you described your enthusiasm when you were researching about Physics. I think you would be a great researcher, because you have tons of curiosity.

 

Here's something to consider: even if you pass in one, maybe it wouldn't be a good for you to study at a hard university. If you do a strategic move of going to an easier one, I think that — counterintutively — you might end up learning even more, because you won't have to stress the hell out of you to pass the exams/do assignments. And therefore that will open some room for you to do your personal research.

In fact, I'm currently doing that. I'm at my first semester doing a Psychology major at a not-so-difficult college. I've committed to the habit of studying at least 20 minutes per day. And I am enjoying it. For instance, I have an ethics class. The class itself is kinda boring, but I am doing some very interesting research on my own for an assignment.

 

Just to make sure: have you ever done any online test to check if you might have depression? It's simple and quick to do so. https://screening.mhanational.org/screening-tools/depression/

 

On 10/05/2021 at 6:46 PM, Luc1nda said:

All the factory-like systems, exams and assignments have completely abolished my passion for science and mathematics.

That was deep.

On 10/05/2021 at 6:46 PM, Luc1nda said:

all these things just never stuck, no matter how small I tried starting,

Did you try all these new habits all at once?

 

Best of luck! You're awesome. I'm rooting for you! ???

Edited by kag101

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