Luc1nda

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About Luc1nda

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  • Birthday 12/02/2003

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    London, UK
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  1. (not sure if someone has already included this example or not please inform me if they have so) 2b2t is a Minecraft server thats a very good example of stage red. Yes, not a real world politics or history example but interesting regardless. If some of you have played Minecraft before 2b2t is a minecraft server thats been running for over a decade, has no rules and is called an 'anarchy' server for a reason. People create their own hack clients(which is like a mod for the game I assume exploiting the games code for your advantage, like you can fly without commands, automatically hit players, you basically have superpowers) in the for the game mostly just for this server, this server has its own factions and the only way to survive a minute in the server is by joining a group or installing a hack client which will stop you getting killed instantly. The enviroment in the server has been basically stripped bare of the games natural rescources. There was also a time where they had slave labour in the server, forcing players to mine for obsidian until they could escape or leave the game.
  2. @Bob Seeker Man can I just say thanks for this, It really means a lot, god I'm feeling so much better now for just writing it. Not many people do this so I appreciate it ALOT. I mainly wrote that because I was just spiraling down negative thoughts and didn't have anyone to talk to at the time. Feeling a lot better just writing out for mental clarity, Virtual worlds is definitely something I'm interested in, I remember having loads of ideas with it a year ago and it'd be amazing if I could work on it myself, no idea why but I'm obsessed with fantasy worlds, I've been making my own for a year and enjoy it a lot. I've always had a really strong burning desire to create, like a YouTube video for example, ot an animation idea, or a feature in a game I'd wanna make, an idea in a story I wanna toy with, anything really, I love it. I could have like 50 ideas in a day but not be able to affectively execute them, and I believe thats one of my problems, the second problem is I guilt myself and criticise myself too much knowing that fact, so thats an emotional problem I need to sort out along with my lack of discipline, routine and work ethic. I've always thought that I'd need a strong vision for me to actually have the willpower to do this, but when I think about it building momentum, a good work ethic will be better than waiting or looking for a vision/reason/life purpose. It'd help me a lot better, thanks for making me realise that. Deep down I know that it isn't the end of the world if I don't do well, and I know deep down that I don't know/don't really want to go to college, but I know I'd be the only person in the family without a degree and I wouldn't have a degree if I need to go in a job for an emergency, so its sort of a backup plan. But hey I'm only 17 and know little about the systems of the world. I've been brought up to know that university is a necessity for employment, and idk if this is true or not. I think it stems from the fact that I have terrible self esteem and don't trust myself, hence why I've started reading The Six Pillars Of Self Esteem by Nathaniel Branden, and these emotional problems are holding me back. Actually when I write this down, I think its a mixture of problems which enhance themselves from the other problems, like lack of discipline makes me have worse self esteem, and worse self esteem makes me have a lack of discipline simply because I believe I am unable and am terrified of the future, that fear makes me unconcious and lose awareness, makes me more unable to be self disciplined and more anxious. Leading to more coping mechanisms which are unhealthy, its a coping mechanism which leads to more coping mechanisms, I could go into more detail but the point is, its a system! Of emotional turmoil. Ah yes, I've taken weed once before, interesting suggestion actually, I'll try it once, why not? Obviously being aware of the issues it can possibly bring. Nature is one of my favourite things, I struggle to comprehend the beauty of it honestly, even if I only walk to college and back. I could draw it, create more of it in my head, its beauty. In terms of what excites me, oh boy, thats a difficult one to answer. I spent some time thinking about this actually. The art of creation and story, and its meaning, its feeling. Art as in literally anything, an output of the human psyche, I could list almost absolutely anything beautiful created in this world, beautiful as in transcending the need for survival, just pure genuine output. It gives me so much thrill just thinking about what I can make in this human life. Also making sense of the world, discovering, experience, finding truth, reasoning with logic. Learning more and more and having a good understanding in this world, I'm not really the kind of person who has a specific thing they're interested in, literally anything beyond the subject of survival interests me. Whether its history, mathematics, theoretical physics, computer science, politics, or literally any science. I'm fascinated with making a self-evolving integrated worldview of the world. I guess thats why I resonated with Leo's content so much I suppose. Yes these are abstract, and I intend to define these into things which will first of all enable me to live a good life while pursuing higher goals. And yes, I have noticed I'm scared of asking for help, no idea why, I think it was some coping mechanism I developed, to my own detriment, as no one understood me, especially in a superficial world. I have met very few people(none my age) who somewhat resonate with me, so I guess I need to find more people like that. I did have a therapist and it helped so I'll probably try organise that again, especially in this time of need. Thank you so much for all this advise, its helped me gain some new perspectives, it means a lot @Mosess You're right, I get that a lot hahhaha thanks fot replying
  3. I normally hate asking for help or advise or showing weakness to people but at this point I have no one to talk to about this, and its caused me a huge amount of pain to the point all I wanna do is curl up in my bed and do nothing. So buckle up, this is gonna be a long one. July 2019, 6AM on a monday morning, waking up was a piece of cake. I never thought twice about whether I should get out of bed, I just did it. Then came meditation, morning studying, visualisation, breakfast, all the monotonous tasks of morning. Then after school, I'd come home, and study for a few hours before bed, with minimal time wasted. This was a huge change from me going to sleep at 5am and waking up at 1pm, and doing nothing the entire day, and feeling fucking miserable. I had just come out of a traumatising dysfunctional abusive relationship which lasted a year long, I used to be sad, depressed, I hated myself so much for the person I was, all those little things about me, how I talked, how I presented myself and the things I did. How little I've done with my life, the fact that I have never worked properly hard in my life, I used to live life on the surface, never doing homework even though I wanted to, always DOING things, always playing video games, consuming, wasting my life, stimulating myself, and taking the poorest choices. After being in an abusive relationship, it made me value freedom, because if I wasn't there for him always, he'd cause an argument. It also made me value free time and making the most of it, as I was living life on my phone, always texting him, whether I was with friends, family, anywhere. It was like having a ball and chain attached to me, I couldn't appreciate life. This in a way motivated me, because the more time I spent wasting my life with that, the more I wanted to do after I got out of it. And when I did, boy it was great. I had been more driven by vision, more motivated than I have ever been in my entire life, I have never felt so passionate about something, I thought I had found my life purpose, and for once in my life I felt like I wasn't inadequate, or not living up to my full potential. I felt like I had woken up after sleeping my entire life, I was a million times more aware and crystal clear about my intentions. Physics fascinated me, mainly because I found such a beauty with it, to me it was the pursuit of truth. The journey for fully mapping out the mechanics of reality, how the world worked, and thats how I learnt about relativity and quantum mechanics. I was so fascinated I'd spend hours researching and thinking about these concepts, trying to map them out in my head and make sense of all this information, and even though it was hard, being someone who was never used to any straining cognitive activities, I loved every second of it. This to me was my life purpose, I wanted to know how the world worked, science as a whole intrigued me so much, to me this was a journey, a journey of discovery. I was so sure of this. This drive took me from getting 4s (Cs and Ds) in my GCSEs to getting 8s (A/A*s) in almost all my subjects, purely because this drive got me out of bed and in the best possible habits, and built an insane amount of momentum. I was sure I wanted to study Physics and Mathematics in college, (which is equivalent to grade 11 and 12), I wasn't more sure and crystal clear in my life. Months pass and month by month, my drive sorta dies down. Then lockdown hit, this is where homeostasis kicked in, and I got a nasty ego backlash. My sleep schedule had shifted at worst, to an almost nocturnal schedule, being awake playing video games with friends until 5-8am, to waking up when the sun set. I had no school, my GCSEs were cancelled, I thought that I could use this time to enrich myself in more knowledge, maybe get really good at art again, and use all that time effectively. What did I do? Waste an entite 7 months doing nothing. I felt miserable that things just didnt work anymore, I tried sticking to a routine but I just couldn't stick, trying to be more aware but then wasting my time moments later, I tried doing Math but even the simplest things I just didn't have the attention span or patience to do, I was stuck in this rut for months. Waking up, wasting time, feeling shit before I slept, repeat. Eventually I got so frustrated I tried persevering more and more, day after day I clawed one step up the mountain, it became a battle everyday just to stay focused on literally anything and not waste my time indulging myself with things like Youtube, dopamine and stimulation. To this day its like you're caught in a huge storm in the middle of the ocean, as soon as I swim up to grasp for air I get hit by a huge wave, and have to swim up again and again and again, over and over. Me trying to gain momentum, good habits, and finally reaching a good point, then homeostasis kicks in and I go back to being miserable and making absolutely no progress in my skills and things I wanna do. Nothing has been more frustrating, emotionally draining and its made me suffer countless times, because I know this isn't my full potential, but sometimes I ask myself if this is all I'll ever be. I had lost all passion in life, I was second guessing studying science and physics as a life purpose, and questioning whether that was even a true live purpose to begin with. So I tried finding new ones, I tried drawing again, and making a story I've been working on. Then I started college, I was not prepared at all. I had picked some of the hardest A levels, which means copious amounts of work, and with those awful habits I had, with the added fact that I had remote learning in the same enviroment I had wasted 7 months of my life doing fuckall, I struggled. I could barely concentrate in class, nor even do assignments, even if they were short and easy and even if I could understand the content perfectly fine. After being able to do anything with focus and clarity, to not even being able to fully focus on a simple task, I felt useless. Especially around my classmates, who could seemingly do and understand things with ease, I envy them looking fully relaxed while I'm struggling and stressing to barely pull myself together. I felt like how I was 3 years ago, intellectually disabled, like there was something wrong with me. Working was like putting two magnets with the same poles together, you just cant get them to touch, they only repel, in this case I just couldn't focus. Still everyday I tried and tried and tried, maybe sometimes I made progress but no real academic progress, my assignments were always never done or late, and my grades were below Ds. I tried to do something different everytime something didn't work, like meditation again, setting times where I work, blocking my study times, studying little and often, going into college and asking teachers for help, working at college, cutting off social media, isolating myself from friends, minimalising distractions, all these things just never stuck, no matter how small I tried starting, because I was so lazy and unfocused, and the added stress of exams and assignments just completely stunted any growth. And yes, I have been trying to change my habits, systems and patterns and the root causes of these issues. So I tried looking for my vision again, and I just couldn't find it. I couldn't find anything compelling enough to get me to focus, get me to study and work, I tried reviving my passion for science but all I could feel was stress when thinking about it. My teachers started doubting me, and are saying that I had picked the wrong subjects. Although I had figured out this was true before they mentioned it, there is honestly nothing better I can do about it, I cant change the subjects, even if I did I wouldn't know what to pick. So I should just embrace what I have now and try do my best. All the factory-like systems, exams and assignments have completely abolished my passion for science and mathematics. As a result I've been escaping to making my story after college, sketching characters, enviroments, worlds, and building this fantasy world all of my own making. I really coundn't find it more fun, designing fantasy landscapes, scenarios, story and meaning, entire civilizations. Every cinematic idea or design idea I put into this story/world, almost subconciously, all for the joy of it. I can literally put in orchestra/soundtrack/instrumental music and escape to a world entirely of my own, visit places that only exist in my dreams, imagine beauty, meaning and story, but then I wake up for the next day of lessons, and the intense anxiety and stress returns. And for the past 4 months I've been asking myself, over and over and over, "What do I want?" copious amounts of times, everyday, the question which bothers me for hours and hours. Its plagued my entire mind and with the added stress of school, my mom pressuring me into university and telling me if I don't get a degree, I wont live a financially free life and she goes into detail about why, and it just scares me and scares me to the point of tears. While everyone around me is easing through education I'm constantly living a stressed life worrying about my grades, because I'm failing every single one of them. Its been bringing me more frustration and suffering which is stopping me from studying all together. You may be asking, what am I interested in? What do I value? I value understanding the world around me, and creativity and output. I guess my hobbies are: -Art and animation -Programming and game development -Story making -Systems thinking in science and theoretical physics -Youtube and video editing -Mathematics for fun And I have countless other things which I'm fascinated in learning but have absolutely no experience whatsoever in, such as music. I like too many things for my own good, its like having to choose one thing off a huge buffet when you want it all. I just don't know, and its caused me so much frustration and suffering see my grades drop suddenly and despite all my efforts I have made no progress, its only me making a little progress, then going back a step because of homeostasis. And now I have my exams coming up which could determine whether I get into a good university or not, or a university at all. And so far, I'm failing all my subjects, I couldn't be more anxious and stressed than I am now. I'm trying to find a vision, a reason to study, a reason to not be stressed and overwhelmed. But I just cant, with college being like a ball and chain, I can't not stop going along with these courses, I can't take a break to truly discover what I want. I have a fatal flaw, I critisize myself in my head intensely when I can't control myself. When I waste an entire evening I could of used to be studying for an exam which I got barely a few questions right in, or whether everyone around me can do something easily and I cant. And the thing is, I can understand the courses and the content just fine. I just can't study at home, focus and complete deadlines. I've always had this problem, my entire life and I just wish I didn't. I have a constant fear of inadequacy and a lack of control over myself, or being a slave to my desires, because thats been me my whole life until 2 years ago, and I couldn't feel more disgusted and disappointed with myself. This has manifested into something more toxic than I have ever imagined, an insane amount of anxiety, terrible, terrible self esteem and numbness. Currently, I've improved most of my awful toxic habits. Its mainly my emotions, intense axiety and stress holding me back from making any personal development or academic improvement. What I'm trying to do here is improve my work ethic, get better habits, read more books, enrich myself in knowledge and understand the world around me, and build the perfect foundation. But it seems impossible with all these emotional problems, and college holding me back. I want to know what I want, I want to be free from myself and from the stress college gives me. Becauseit barely gives me time to contemplate or nurture my interests, or work through the various coping mechanisms (like the one I mentioned) I have considered I might have some form of ADD, which I need to sort out. if you've read all this way, thank you. I literally have no one to talk to about this, if I told my mom she'd overreact, same with anyone else. I know I'm overthinking and stressing too much, I just feel so trapped, I know what to do, its just going to require an insane amount of more suffering to do it, at this point I think I couldn't get any worse. Feel free to Criticise the hell out of me, I know I have a lot of work to do.
  4. @tatsumaru I'd say those make me focus well, I often listen to tracks like this: However average 3 minute long music with lyrics and all that is particularly what I meant, it makes me feel full of eratic energy and can diverge my focus a lot lol Good recommendation though, it really does relax your thoughts, which helps me stop thinking so eratically.
  5. I have this, it holds me back from getting into a good work flow and makes time management for me extremely difficult. One minute I'm doing real work, the other I've got up from my desk and I'm looking out the window fantasizing about how insane I want my life to be 50 years later, and the problem is, how am I going to make that a reality if I can't even sit down and work towards it!!! Yet Its still difficult, I'm not sure what the root of the problem is for you but, I suppose its down to concentration and awareness, normally when you're working and are completely focusing on what I'm working on, the daydreams aren't there, music often triggers daydreaming for me, so I don't recommend listening to it while working if you do. Try being aware of your daydreaming every time it comes up, and don't let it carry you away, take a deep breath and remind yourself what you have to do, and make sure you enjoy what you're doing and get into the flow of working through it, and you'll most likely get so carried away doing what you're doing the daydreams wont come up. Try watching Leo's video on focus if you haven't, he explains the concept of 'flow' pretty well, a state which you get yourself in when doing a task you don't think of anything else but that task, and turn the daydreaming into visions which will motivate you by consciously sitting down and coming up with powerful visions, channel this ambition into something that'll benefit you and motivate you, not slow you down during the day, make sure to have structure to your day and really intend to work. Sorry if this isn't that helpful - anyone is free to correct me, I'm fighting this battle too so I haven't fully figured it out yet.
  6. Put your alarm on the other side of your room so you have to get up to turn it off, then you're up and what ever you do DO NOT go back to bed, remind yourself what you wanna do in life and more importantly what you wanna do today to help you formulate your day. Making a routine is important. Try do this everyday and don't give up, even if some attempts are unsuccessful, and if it isn't working then try change things up.
  7. @bejapuskas We're long distance, so thats most likely why. It's highly likely that we might meet again this year though, and if things work out then we'll be able to see eachother more often, but exactly, sweet things like that can build that trust. Maybe he thinks it wont work out idk, which would be understandable. (edit) : I forgot to answer the question - I meant physical intimacy by sexuality.
  8. @bejapuskas Great! And he's American, I'm British but I'm not sure if that makes much of a difference, it might be because he's been conditioned by the internet and put off my his friends (who seem to be more open about it) or something, or he might be not particularly masculine as I know he mentioned its not really him, or he's aware of my previous relationship and wants to be anything but my ex. Overall I'm unsure, either way I'm willing to take the risk, and if it doesn't go well it simply wasn't meant to be, but we have a somewhat friendship-like relationship, he doesn't put much effort in the romantic sense which makes me wanna move on though. Thanks for replying though
  9. @Lyubov I can definitely see that most men would like a more feminine individual, thanks for your input! Like any other woman I do love intimacy and diving into certain emotions. Leo mentioned in one of his videos that the guy has to have the mindset of always pleasing the girl, I wanna have that mindset too but with guys. @Yog And you're right, most men would want to have the upper hand or 'higher status' which I'm aware of and would want to fulfil that, thanks @Gesundheit Great! and yeah definitely not dominant, maybe somewhat but only to a suitable extent which isn't too weird. Thanks a lot! @Leo Gura Thanks! I'm glad this is a positive attribute to have, one which I'd want to make the most of. Thank you for all your replies guys ? I've received a lot of really good insights on this, as I get older it'll probably all make a lot more sense to me in the future.
  10. @Sempiternity Hahaha yeah thats quite funny actually ? But thats great! I guess it just weeds out the guys who have things to hide and are pussies (to no fault of their own) lol, and being a strong women also would give me a greater chance of being able to deal with abusive men better too. Thanks for your reply
  11. @Megan Alecia Indeed, I discovered Actualized.org when I was 15 and it changed my life either way, I haven't fully taken it seriously until recently though. @aurum Yeah I can imagine it definitely would, thanks for your reply! I do try to avoid clinginess of any sort as much as I can, with relationships overall. @Roy Thanks for your very insightful input! Of course I'd never be too aggressive or full on, I would I guess describe myself to be what Leo describes as 'detached' and 'cold' when it comes to people, I only appreciate human interaction with value. While I can be confident I can switch poles pretty easily - but hate to stay in one position for too long, like in my first relationship, I was ONLY receiving, while it felt natural, I hated being that, as I felt weak and helpless, and whenever I tried to 'give' the guy wouldn't appreciate it and deliberately make it awkward to stop me from doing it, but thats probably solely because he was a shitty person who was extremely emotionally abusive towards me. When seeking advice, I often get told this concept of 'female energy' and being what you described - a woman waiting to be swept up by some knight on a horse, cute, expecting love right to come her way etc, and I could never genuinely live up to that, as my personality is way different, while I can be nurturing and feminine I could never always be that way. I'm often told that the woman is MEANT to be the one being approached, MEANT to be the one ALWAYS receiving, although this is probably a very skewed view targeting certain women, It makes me have the feeling that I cant be myself while in a relationship, I always have to be the 'cute' me and the one below in power, instead of being my genuine self who wants to give. I'm however glad that some men like the women to sometimes give, because I don't always wanna put on a mask for men, a mask as in a 'feminine personality'. So would it be reasonable to adapt my personality to that and have my own style? But yes, my overall intention in a relationship is to not only receive, but give also, since I have a guy who I really like and who really likes me (we've known eachother for above a year) but isn't open about his sexuality, and I wanna initiate but at the same time don't wanna come off as weird or push him away, but I don't wanna wait for months either, so its a risk really lol, either that or its not worth it.
  12. @somegirl Good points, its a complicated dynamic, from what it seems anyway. I guess it depends on both the girl and the attraction between them. Personally however, if I wasn't interested in a guy and was in that situation, I'd still wanna please them, unless they just aren't contributing whatsoever and in that case i'd give up, but there'd still be a lack of enthusiasm without attraction.
  13. @Leo Gura Thank you! Exactly my intention to be more pro-active, I never really understand why women would be so lethargic and unenthusiastic, Its an exciting experience not worth wasting. When I start being sexually active I'll most likely learn a lot more about how men think sexually. I always understood their personality to an extent but sexually not so much.
  14. Raising kids would be an interesting one, I dont plan to do it but if I ever did, i'd firstly only have 1, and if I wanted another i'd have one 14-ish years later, around the time when children become a lot more concious and hit puberty, that way I could meet all their needs with undivided attention. I'd surround them with people, maybe older, maybe other kids who have concious parents (if there are any lmao) so they learn to socialise with other people. I'd surround them with creative material also, like building blocks or art things (which would be safe), and of course lots of nature, so they have an idea of what the outside world is like. I'd nurture them and give them a lot of love and try my best to be extremely positive around them, and teach them to be curious and go on their own adventures with their imagination. I would surround the house with natural based foods, like fruit, nuts or anything easily digestable and high in protein, I'd take them out to many places such as beaches, forests, cities, and keep them firmly by my side. If I'm honest, I wouldn't want to send them in their first years to any form of school, to avoid bad social pressures and influences, in their first years i'd firmly teach them myself, firstly that learning will help you and make you feel better, or develop some reward system to make things 'fun' and pleasant, then i'd teach them the basics like how to read, basic mathematics, how to tell the time etc, and I'd also prioritise the fact that they should avoid 'taking the path of the least resistance', by this I mean engage them in being active in their learning and not lazy and unenthusuastic. A few years down the line, I'll start teaching them basic traps in life, like bad foods, social media, technology, how to deal with bad people, things like addictions, and keep them closest to the truth as possible, but in a way which doesn't traumatize them. I'd then slowly transition them towards school before high school starts, to avoid a sudden and traumatic transition, then thats when they'll start learning a lot of things from personal experience, combined with all the things I would've taught them previously. This is when they'll probably start to drift away and rebel, if they started falling down rabbit holes and traps, i'd tell them that calmly and leave it to them whether they want to sort it out or not, and of course i'd tell them HOW to sort out emotional issues, I'd never force them unless they were close to a life threatening or life long damaging situation, i'd let them roam free in the field of life to make sense of it themselves, and they'll learn it all themselves. Of course this is only in an ideal world, there would of course be many many outside circumstances where this might not be possible at all, but those are just my thoughts But if they asked about God, I'd just tell them that God is everything, and I'd tell them to go and find out actively.
  15. For context, I'm 17 and have no sexual experience but I have an intuitive feeling of what would be 'hot', as I've been in a relationship, (which turned out to be abusive) I would consider myself to have an androgynous personality, I tend to be more 'masculine' in personality and I'm drawn to things that men gravitate to, such as fields like mathematics, physics, gaming or whatever really, anything big which women often aren't interested in, and always have the desire to do more for the world. At the same time I also consider myself an artist and can understand people well and I always make sure I look the best I can in looks. In short, if there was a spectrum of masculinity and feminuity i'd be somewhere in the middle, shifting a little to the masculine side. What I've noticed growing up is that my sexual urges often gravitate me being somewhat aggressive and assertive, but also enjoy the feeling of letting go and being controlled, but I dislike always being in that position, often at times I want to be the one initiating control and being somewhat the one in power, but not always. So I ask this question for sometime in the future when I start to leave the nest to look for a mate, is it hot to initiate control and be somewhat aggressive for a woman in the dynamic of sex? Of course I'm aware that in order for the dynamic to work out, the woman does have to give in and submit, but other times will it work out and give the man a good experience if I initiated and was the one 'giving'? Sorry if this is a shallow question, I'm learning more as I get older. (edit) : When I think about it more, what I mean by "sexual aggression" is something like confidence and wanting to be the one to approach.