Let's see if there is a possibility of actually healing myself completely.

[Javfly33]

I'm 25 years old. I have been struggling with suffering from almost I can remember. Well, that's not true; I have memories of living life in a cool and light hearted way until 12-13 at least. But from that point on I just have not been OK.

I can't pin point or localise any particular trauma which could explain why I live life the way I do. But regardless I keep doing it. I live life avoiding much of the times what I want to do, or say, completely, because I have some sort of belief that what I do or say might not be enough or good or appropriate.

I have also this tendency to think that everything I do or say might be judged harshly by the other person.

I want to change but I don't know how. 

Any ideas? I love life but it's difficult to live it like this sometimes. Please help.

[Guest EmptyVase]

Hi!

I've also had my struggles with authenticity and really expressing what I felt and how I felt. Fear of being judged was certainly one of my biggest fears. Because of past trauma, I really feared being vulnerable. Being vulnerable meant being myself. Because I didn't want to be vulnerable anymore, I resisted feeling. I had built walls around feeling and a lot of denial followed. In order to be accepted from social circles, I completely adjusted my personality towards others, thus became quite inauthentic and really crippled from the inside. 

After having realized that putting up a facade, only in order to please people, hurt me more than just being myself, I was able to break free from the cage that I had built for myself. I might make a post about struggling with authenticity someday, as I have collected up to 7 pages full of insights just about authenticity. What ultimately helped me though, was simply feeling. This post might help you:

 

[Bazooka Jesus]

6 hours ago, Javfly33 said:

I can't pin point or localise any particular trauma which could explain why I live life the way I do. But regardless I keep doing it. I live life avoiding much of the times what I want to do, or say, completely, because I have some sort of belief that what I do or say might not be enough or good or appropriate.

I have also this tendency to think that everything I do or say might be judged harshly by the other person.

My man, this is all a massive indicator of unresolved (abandonment) trauma!

Most people have a way too narrow definition of trauma; they think that trauma is always based on one insular & memorable event that all of a sudden changed the person from one minute to the next, when actually probably the majority of all trauma is being caused by a whole chain of events and circumstances that very gradually eat away at your soul and slowly kill your spirit one poison drip at a time.

A very enlightening read about the nature of trauma is Bessel van der Kolk's book "The Body Keeps The Score"; also, if you have trouble concentrating and tend to procrastinate and daydream a lot, I recommend the book "Scattered Minds" by Gabor Maté (who's books are always worth reading, even for people who are not afflicted by the subject matter) - that one was a HUGE eye opener for me.

And yes, healing is always possible. Keep digging until you have unearthed all the hidden pain inside you and then feel through it mindfully and consciously, for "the way out of the pain leads through the pain", as John Bradshaw puts it. (Another great read on the subject of trauma: " Healing The Shame That Binds You" by John Bradshaw)

I know it sounds like a cliché, but awareness alone is curative. Don't expect change to happen overnight... it might take you a while to unearth all of your pain and heal it; just have patience and go one step at a time. But also keep in mind that redemption might just be right around the corner, even when it seems lightyears away!

Edited February 28, 2021 by Bazooka Jesus

[Waken]

My suggestion, stop trying to fix things, heal yourself, find out what your problems are. Instead, just do things that make you feel good. Just pick something that makes you feel even a little better than you do right now, or that you can do with a less resistance (same thing). Perhaps in even a couple of days you'll already feel much better and more enthusiastic. If you do something you enjoy, or are planning to and something uncomfortable comes up. Be with that/relax/let it go as best you can and refocus again. It's quite easy to feel good again, really is, just need to stop putting attention on things you don't prefer.

Edited February 28, 2021 by Waken

[nistake]

Hang in there, you're fine and healing is completely possible.

Have you looked at shadow work? It helps you identify your hidden traumas and serious limiting beliefs, thus you're able to heal yourself.

Leo has a dense and detailed book on it on his booklist, but I prefer Existential Kink by Carolyn Elliott.

[Nahm]

 

13 hours ago, Javfly33 said:

I have also this tendency to think that everything I do or say might be judged harshly by the other person.

I want to change but I don't know how. 

Appreciation. Hard to judge & appreciate simultaneously. 

 

[NatureB]

Were you bullied or put down? That is where a lot of my self-expression troubles have stemmed from.

My suggestion is to work on this a little bit every day. You might not solve it in your first few attempts, but the longer you walk the path the better you will be.