Being an Abuse Survivor.

[Preety_India]

Don't lose courage. 

People don't have any idea how abuse works 

I'm fed up with the forum. I was verbally abused on here.. Someone said some racist things to me. Even after reporting I don't feel okay. It brings flashbacks of the times my ex boyfriend used to abuse me verbally with all sorts of racial insults. It was unbearable and somehow managed to break that relationship and set myself free. 

I remember being online during the time on another website for 3 months and I was repeatedly subjected to racist hate attacks and verbal abuse by an American woman. She wouldn't stop doing it and I had to leave that website eventually because the mods wouldn't do anything. She also packed up others to abuse me. This was all because she wanted my ex boyfriend back then and he didn't respond to her so she decided to take revenge on me and made my life a living hell with constant stalking and bullying. I was fed up and left that place. 

People have no idea how much racism and verbal abuse can impact the psyche, it's much worse for a person like me who has already suffered racial abuse at the hands of someone and physical and mental abuse as a child at the hands of my mother for more than a decade.

I wasn't expecting a racist word here. But it happened and nothing can change that. 

When you try to complain about it, you're treated as a victim player which is the absolute worst way, the least empathetic way to respond to such a situation. 

It's extremely hurtful and people don't get it. 

So even if whatever is done, the hurt remains and it's impossible to not feel bad or humiliated. 

I just don't want any comments on my journal. I hate it when people read other's vulnerabilities and instead of respecting it, immediately start virtue signaling.. 

When you don't have an idea of how much someone is hurt, just be yourself rather than trying to judge, it's not up to you to decide what's happening to the other person. My karma will haunt this website. When you do wrong things to others, it comes back in some form from the universe. The universe simply doesn't just sit and watch, there are always consequences to whatever happens. 

I cannot simply abuse someone and think that nothing will happen to me.. That's not how the universe operates. 

I was constantly gaslighted and told to shut up. When I took offense, I was told that I was playing victim. 

I mean in general this is the reaction that victims of racial hate have to endure on top of the racism they're subjected to. 

 

[Preety_India]

I'll use this journal to vent my problems and thoughts and feelings. 

 

[Preety_India]

I don't want any comments on this journal, thanks. 

Everything can be done in pm or private messenger. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

So some stuff today went really well. 

Thank God because I was so nervous.. 

[Preety_India]

I'm trying to heal slowly. 

It's going to be incredibly slow. 

[Preety_India]

I don't know why but in my personal experience, the internet can bring out a certain meanness in people. Maybe it's just designed that way. 

In real life people tend to be much less hostile. 

 

[Preety_India]

I'm doing quite okay today 

 

[Preety_India]

I love these pair of eyes. They pierce through my soul. 

 

They represent to me the benevolent devil. 

I feel like these eyes are giving me strength from the devil's cup. 

Assuring me that I need to be the better truer version of myself. 

These eyes say to me "Wake up." 

Another version of Kali. 

Sometimes when you are too selfless in life, life gives you a slap in the face and tells you to get up and be selfish and not be so dumb and naive. 

Time for me to get rid of my naivete. 

It doesn't serve any purpose other than getting perpetually abused by vultures and energy vampires who feed on innocent blood. 

Time to set boundaries and say no if I don't like to be treated the way I am being treated 

Don't succumb to pressure and gaslighting. 

Be brave. Be strong. And no longer stupid. 

I always felt like I lacked something in life. 

A certain force. A certain persona.

I was always this fragile childish person. Too innocent and free. 

And often times some people struck me as odd by their stern exterior, their bossy intimidating presence. 

I was always easily submissive to such people, even sadomasochistically in some manner, their nature was a complete contrast to mine. Their domineering towering personality went very well with my fragile frame, I'm generally very sweet in real life and lots of people tell me that from time to time. My sweetness needs to compensated by someone who is stern and dominating. It's like opposing forces. 

I was always well received by dominating people. They would find my submissive nature perfect for their needs. 

I never fell in love with a submissive guy. I don't remember. 

I always fell for the more dominating ones, not just dominating in the bedroom but in every aspect of my life. 

I like to be lead on. I like to be the follower. 

However there's a problem with this. 

Often times such people come with bad intentions.. Their need for domination also means they want a certain degree of power and control and a need to exploit what they see as weak and submissive. 

So a lot of the domineering men that I fell in love with, who made rules for me, turned out to be abusive. 

I never factored that element that a lot of domination also comes with abuse. 

It's very hard to find a real life benevolent devil. Someone who acts like a boss, is attractive but is loving, protective and kind at the same time. 

 

Edited February 1, 2021 by Preety_India
This post turned out to be aesthetically beautiful. Good job.

[Preety_India]

These definitely come in handy. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

What I want is what the universe will make happen for me. 

This is a basic belief towards healing from abuse. 

Keep it. 

 

[Preety_India]

A few days ago I desperately needed something to make me feel joyous and peaceful. 

And 4 days later the universe offered it to me. 

I was amazed by how the universe works. 

The universe is the single most beautiful thing in the world. 

It's like a door that opens to a treasure trove. 

I want to really work with the universe. 

Yes I will heal. 

I'm a survivor. 

Shout out to the universe. 

I'm already finding elements of synchronicity. I already found 2 elements. One is the universe and the other is nature of the skies. 

Funny how consciousness works. 

To the universe I call out  for help, and I shout and say 

Although I'm a victim, I'm not a defeated victim, I am a survivor. I will triumph over my tragedies. 

The universe will help me 

 

 

[Preety_India]

My next affirmation

I won't let anyone or anything snuff out my light. 

I'm divine and I let my sacredness guide me. 

 

[Preety_India]

Note to myself 

 

You know that this is abusive shit, don't you ever understand? 

How much dumber can you really get, huh? 

 

Get this person out of your life for God sake and never ever have anything to do with them.. 

You must learn. Learn that this is bad. This is straight up toxic. Learn to detect such things. 

When your inner voice tells you that something is not right the first time around, that's it, you got your answer. 

My only advice is don't trust too much... 

 

Edited February 2, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

There's always beauty in life. You simply have to be open to it. 

 

 

[Nahm]

1 hour ago, Preety_India said:

My only advice is don't trust too much... 

Double down on trusting intuition. ? Bring it to life in your life. Kinda magic. Just sayin. 

[Preety_India]

Just now, Nahm said:

Double down on trusting intuition. ? Bring it to life in your life. Kinda magic. Just sayin. 

Truly beautiful words. 

 

[Preety_India]

One of my main focus is to buy the Tony Robbins course. 

Not right away. Not right now. Because I've other stuff to do. 

I'm also writing a book right now. And it will probably be published later. 

So I'll probably take the Tony Robbins course 2 months later. 

Also I'm not fully prepared for his course just yet so it might be a waste of time if I'm not mentally prepared for it. 

 

[Preety_India]

Focus on energy. 

Closing so many chapters. 

Two more things from the universe given today 

• Food 
• Quotes. Beautiful quotes. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

Oh I just got this info from the universe. 

It's about closing chapters.. 

Another one added to the list. 

1. Food 
2. Quotes 
3. Books 
4. Closing chapters 

 

Don't open chapters. Rather close them. 

 

[Preety_India]

Just focus on SDSDORLWRSRGSGG