Something casual

[Gesundheit2]

19 hours ago, Etherial Cat said:

Right, I've seen you trying to learn how to program.

I'm learning Web Development; websites, web apps, and that kind of stuff.

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Sad to hear that even going through medical school doesn't give you any solide prospects. Is it not possible for you to emigrate let say to a place like Canada, once you are done?

I don't know. I haven't researched and I don't feel like doing so. Medical school does not feel in alignment with my authentic self, so I don't take any proactive steps in that direction. I really don't want to work in that field, I'm just going along with my parents desires.

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Yesterday, I voiced out everything I thought was shameful about me and realized it wasn't at all this bad. Plenty of people wouldn't have blinked, yet I had the feeling to be hiding an old corpse in my closet.

I experienced something similar in the past. Then I realized that being self-critical is good in a sense. It helps you improve and refine yourself, unlike being totally okay with oneself regardless of everything. I think it's a balance, but we need both self-love and self-criticism in order to grow and be healthy. Love the criticism because it's good.

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I am building an online coaching practice and I'd be open with offering you a bunch of pro bono sessions.

I appreciate the offer. And actually, I might be able to help you out with the website, in case you are planning on creating one.

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I can't do much to help you out of this mess, but if you are interested I can try to create space for you and see what we could do to help you work on some of the challenges you're facing.

I do appreciate your concern and support, it's very lovely of you

Edited December 18, 2021 by Gesundheit2

[Gesundheit2]

@Loba

Thank you for your advice regarding my sister. We took her to a psychiatrist two days ago, and he put her on 4 different meds. She's becoming more in touch with us and less afraid, but I'm noticing some things and similar themes, and I have some questions and concerns. Can we discuss and explore this topic further? I wish the best outcome possible for both of you. And I think that we both can benefit from sharing thoughts and experiences if you have time. We can talk in private if you prefer it that way. Let me know if you're in.

[Gesundheit2]

 

[Gesundheit2]

It's personal. Always have been.

[Gesundheit2]

 

[Gesundheit2]

There isn't a right way for doing anything or living life. But there are many wrong ways.

[Gesundheit2]

• Drama is the feminine version of pragmatism.
• Respect survival and it will respect you.

[Gesundheit2]

Only bargain when you have the advantage, and always make sure that you have some tricks up your sleeve. Never enter a losing battle.

[Gesundheit2]

Inside the mind of Leo Gura

[Gesundheit2]

Karma is a bitch only if you are 

Different topic, today I saw Kim Kardashian in a video for the first time. She's clearly an attention whore, and a persevering one at that 

 

[Gesundheit2]

I am making great progress learning data structures and algorithms, but I feel cheated. I didn't know what this journey entails. Or to be more accurate, I thought it would be an easy picnic for a couple months and that would be it. I thought all I needed to learn was a few courses, and then apply the courses and that would be it. But that's not how it turns out to be. Technology is advancing very fast. But guides do not seem to be advancing as fast. They do not seem to be taking into account the modern additions and nuances, and they also ignore the fundamentals as if I already know them because they assume that I'm coming to them as a graduate from some IT college. So 5 years earlier, it might have been the case that learning web development was achievable in less than 6 months for an IT graduate. But in 2022, I don't think that's realistic. I mean I'm not a total foreigner to programming, but it took me nearly a year just to get comfortable. There is just so much to learn, and in many ways that's not a good thing. It means that I will have to work more and earn less than the seniors. And it means that the increasing complexity will make it harder to keep up with the latest updates, let alone learning from scratch. Today in 2022, it's easier than it will be in 2030. I imagine at that time, companies will require at least 3 years of prior experience in said speciality. In 2040, they will probably require 4 years, etc. Or maybe new jobs will get created, like sub-specialized positions. Just some thoughts before bed. Good night.

[tsuki]

On 16.12.2021 at 8:47 PM, Gesundheit2 said:

But back to my parents, I would have thought that it's reasonable and understandable that ultimately they were trying to protect me etc. I can't even put my finger on the real wound that I have to heal yet. It's very complex and hard to pinpoint. Because my parents had not in fact taught me anything. Yes, they sent me to school and whatever, but they didn't actually teach me any real or useful life lessons. And the worst part is that they themselves are inexperienced, so whatever little bs they taught me had been useless.

Your story is heartbreaking. Nobody should go through this.

When I read that you can't put your finger on how exactly were you wounded, I can relate. When reading your story, betrayal came to mind.

Looking back, I find it very strange that I knew exactly that what my parents did was not love and that I felt that I should be loved. It's like an inborn right of a child to be loved and every child knows it. I was so resentful because of it.

[Gesundheit2]

An anti-father and an anti-mother. That's them, the monsters who raised me.

But it doesn't matter, because the past is gone.

I am the son of today.

[Gesundheit2]

Plan/Outline for 2022:

 

• First half:
  1. Getting hired before June (prioritized as):
     1. Abroad in:
        1. Any western country.
        2. Any Arabian Gulf country.
        3. Monkeys-stan, I don't care.
     2. Remotely in any country that pays in a different currency.
     3. Worst case scenario, working locally, but remotely to another city is more preferred.
  2. Completing the required medical school attendance.
  3. Finishing all the materials I have left, 4 to be accurate.

So to get hired abroad, I would have to get really good at Front End Development, because of high competency. I don't think that'd be very hard, but it's not gonna be easy, either. I am working on getting a number of official certificates from University of Michigan on Coursera, which should help my resume and standing. But from what I have gathered so far, excellence and experience are far more important than any piece of paper. These certificates can help me get hired anywhere, so I will make sure to get at least one of them. I want to move abroad more than anything, because it's become unbearable in here. The restrictions and the corruption and the endless limitations and problems are too much. I could live with them forever, but they would not let me thrive. I want to thrive. I want to reach my highest potential and see what that's like. A stable environment is the only thing I'm asking for, and I will make sure to do my best to get there.

 

• Second half:

It will depend on how the first half turns out, but in general:

1. Joining a gym.
2. Creating a super healthy routine.
3. Upgrading the food quality.
4. Socializing with as many people as possible.
5. Starting up projects other than Web Development.
6. Making and keeping the money flowing from multiple sources, so that I would never have to worry about poverty ever again.
7. Fixing my health issues, eyesight, bad posture, teeth problems, etc.
8. Buying a phone, of course. (Impossible as long as I'm working locally).
9. Buying new clothes. It's been like 4 or more years since I bought anything, I really don't remember the last time I bought anything for myself.
10. In case I succeed in landing a job abroad, whether remotely or not, I will forfeit medical school and make web development my main source of income.
11. In case not, I will have to study hard for about 3 months for the National Board Exam, from June through August, and probably some more beyond that.

 

To be honest, in the bigger picture, I don't really care how it all turns out. I am comfortable with any outcome, even if it's worse than the worst case scenario than I'm expecting. Life has become way too unstable to predict, so I know how to manage my expectations. I will work as hard as I can and leave the rest to the motherfucker(s) up above.

Edited January 11, 2022 by Gesundheit2

[Gesundheit2]

Love the new changes. The background, the hair and beard. The energy, body language, facial expressions. Everything.

And I'm excited for more videos.

[Gesundheit2]

Mathematics

How could I have been so blind?!

[Gesundheit2]

 

[Gesundheit2]

Hard times force you into your true colors. Talk is cheap. You can say whatever you want during easy times, that's meaningless and it don't count. I don't approve of anyone who claims enlightenment unless they're tested over and over again all the time, which does not really happen, so nobody ever who claims enlightenment is actually enlightened. I can sit here and philosophize about death all day, it means nothing, because I know that when my time will be up, I will panic like a motherfucker. Fear of death is what keeps us alive, but just the right amount. Too much fear is paralyzing. And no fear at all is dangerous, which is why we don't see fearlessness, because fearless people die quickly (suicide, martyrdom, etc.). Control is made of fear. The more control you think you have, the more fearful you will be. But fear is not necessarily a bad experience. The ego-mind is a genius and it can create positive experiences out of fear. For example, love is just a twisted form of fear. It is the opposite of what Leo says; He is delusional, and everyone that agrees with him. Psychedelics are not a portal to truth or God. They're a portal to delusions and the devil. Fear is the source of everything. Accept it. Accept the truth. Nothing will change, and that's okay.

Edited January 15, 2022 by Gesundheit2

[Gesundheit2]

Life is an abusive experience, since you're always exposed and interacting with the external world. And for that reason, personal development is simply the act of seeking the best coping mechanisms possible.

[Gesundheit2]

These two songs remind me of the 9th grade. I remember when I was not allowed to play video games and so I would cheat on my parents when I'm alone at home and supposed to be studying, and then play FIFA08, UEFA Euro 2008, Mario64, and some Harry Potter game, probably The Order Of The Phoenix at the time. Video games were a serious addiction for me, and being forbidden made me want to play even more. Here, the 9th grade is kind of a big deal, so naturally my parents placed too much importance on it and created certain rules for studying to reward me with video games afterwards. I did great and scored 96.12% in the final exam. But I was not allowed to play during the exams. So, the desire started getting bigger and bigger, it started creating energy inside me. The way I used to outlet that energy was by dancing to these two songs above. Eventually the exams ended and I returned home as fast as I could just to run my PC and start playing, I thought I was gonna find some sort of heaven while playing for hours finally, but I was surprised that I got bored very quickly after only a couple of hours. It was my first mystical insight so to speak, when I realized how empty all of the longing was. I felt cheated by myself this time.

Still, 2009 was a great year, I used to watch a lot of trending video songs on TV purely for the hot women in there, but some of the songs stuck and I liked them. Live Your Life by Rihanna, Fire Burning by Sean Kingston, Eenie Meenie by Justin Bieber, and others. It was the golden age for music back then, up until 2012 and Gangnam Style, which set the trend for sucky music. There's rarely any good music anymore.