Escaping Into Fantasy Land

[Svartsaft]

Sometimes or often. I find my self escaping into some fantasy about being famous or admirerd or being super human or stuff like that. Hockey pro, super soldier, artist. Iv started to think. Is that damaging to my self esteem? To have these idiolised images of how i wish i were all the time.

Becouse i feel like absolut garbage all the time. I realy feel like im just a huge fail as a human. Realy massive fail.

I sometimes find myself engagera in fantasis about being some extrodinary enlightened meditation master. And it feels like it ruins actual meditation.

I feel kind of desperate in getting better to. I realy feel like just blowing my brain out from time to time and have suicide attempts every now and then. Im sure it will happen again. 

I feel so low it dosnt even mather what i do. Becouse it will change nothing about how i see my self. Iv done every drug there is. And generally irresponsible behaviours while driving etc just for the kicks without any regard for anything. 

I feel like i truly dont care about anyone else. And that kind of bathers me and not. Becouse ser other people having this sort of connection with others that just cant have. Even the wish to care more is just for me. I dont actualy care at all.

I even went as far as to almost joining isis or some extremist group like that just to be part of anything. And get killed.

Im desperate to get enlightend and thats not gonna happen comming from that position of mind im sure. But i just cant deal with it. I meditate like crazy just to get by. Becouse if i didnt i would go nuts in mather of days.

Iv given up on life in a way. But still not. Im just getting by i dont actualy think i be getting somewere tho. I dont even bather trying.

I just think that with time and daily meditation mayby i be alright. So i just go with that for now and just hope things will solve them selfs.

I dont expect anyone to give a shit. But it was nice to get it out. Have nice day.

[Neo]

Hi Svartsaft, several points I hope might help you. Firstly you can't be enlightened if you're "desperate to be enlightened" as it just simply doesn't work that way, and even if it did, it wouldn't have a solid foundation because you need to sort your shit out first.

Secondly, no your fantasy isn't going to harm your self esteem because you have very little of that anyway. Try to make your fantasies something you can realistically achieve later in life like goals you can work towards and it is a great form of positive thinking. (I've achieved or am achieving some of mine.) You think it, and slowly bring it to life.

Finally, a lot of these mood swings are because you need to sober up. The full cycle of alcohol withdrawal is about a week even for just moderate drinkers. Take it from me. You can be on a real low, but not even realise when it's STARING you in the face it was due to the bender you went on last weekend and if you don't find something to replace it with to fill your time, it can take years to sort out.

All the best and good luck.

[Nathalie]

3 hours ago, Svartsaft said:

Is that damaging to my self esteem?

Yes I think so.. and you too it seems, because you give you also the answer:

 

3 hours ago, Svartsaft said:

i feel like absolut garbage all the time

you will never become as good as your idealized pictures of a sort of super man.. TIt's the same loosing game as if you let your mind tell you some tradegies, catastrophes: you have no chance to win, because a part of your mind/ego cannot win against the other part.

So I find if you stick to this way, you will always encounter a better, a reacher, a smarter picture of someone who you are not but would like to be.. What a waste of time

Wake up from this dream. It isn't life. There are a lot of opportunities to stop to pay attention to those thoughts:

meditation to "clean up" your head from this structure (indeed it's just a structure you've built)

focus on the nature or empathize (without comparing) with other volks

stop criticize (yourself and others) Paulo Coelho wrote once in a book, each time he remarked he was criticizing himself (it's what you do indirectly when you imagine you should act differently) he hurt himself to get aware of the pain he caused to his soul..

You're not the navel of the world, neither I am nor someone else.. And it frees doesn't it?

 

[Svartsaft]

31 minutes ago, Neo said:

Hi Svartsaft, several points I hope might help you. Firstly you can't be enlightened if you're "desperate to be enlightened" as it just simply doesn't work that way, and even if it did, it wouldn't have a solid foundation because you need to sort your shit out first.

Secondly, no your fantasy isn't going to harm your self esteem because you have very little of that anyway. Try to make your fantasies something you can realistically achieve later in life like goals you can work towards and it is a great form of positive thinking. (I've achieved or am achieving some of mine.) You think it, and slowly bring it to life.

Finally, a lot of these mood swings are because you need to sober up. The full cycle of alcohol withdrawal is about a week even for just moderate drinkers. Take it from me. You can be on a real low, but not even realise when it's STARING you in the face it was due to the bender you went on last weekend and if you don't find something to replace it with to fill your time, it can take years to sort out.

All the best and good luck.

Thanks. I keep that in mind.

[DoubleYou]

 

8 hours ago, Svartsaft said:

I find my self escaping

I sometimes find myself

I feel kind of desperate 

I feel so low

I feel like i truly dont care 

I even went as far

Im desperate to get enlightend

Iv given up on life

I just think

I dont expect

Become aware of the ego. As you can see above, it's in total control. Forget about enlightenment for now. It's the ego that's desperate to get enlightened because it doesn't accept itself. So start by recognizing it's patterns without judging it. 

The ego's biggest trick is denying / hating itself. It's what makes it real.

Good luck.

 

[Emerald]

8 hours ago, Svartsaft said:

Sometimes or often. I find my self escaping into some fantasy about being famous or admirerd or being super human or stuff like that. Hockey pro, super soldier, artist. Iv started to think. Is that damaging to my self esteem? To have these idiolised images of how i wish i were all the time.

Becouse i feel like absolut garbage all the time. I realy feel like im just a huge fail as a human. Realy massive fail.

I sometimes find myself engagera in fantasis about being some extrodinary enlightened meditation master. And it feels like it ruins actual meditation.

I feel kind of desperate in getting better to. I realy feel like just blowing my brain out from time to time and have suicide attempts every now and then. Im sure it will happen again. 

I feel so low it dosnt even mather what i do. Becouse it will change nothing about how i see my self. Iv done every drug there is. And generally irresponsible behaviours while driving etc just for the kicks without any regard for anything. 

I feel like i truly dont care about anyone else. And that kind of bathers me and not. Becouse ser other people having this sort of connection with others that just cant have. Even the wish to care more is just for me. I dont actualy care at all.

I even went as far as to almost joining isis or some extremist group like that just to be part of anything. And get killed.

Im desperate to get enlightend and thats not gonna happen comming from that position of mind im sure. But i just cant deal with it. I meditate like crazy just to get by. Becouse if i didnt i would go nuts in mather of days.

Iv given up on life in a way. But still not. Im just getting by i dont actualy think i be getting somewere tho. I dont even bather trying.

I just think that with time and daily meditation mayby i be alright. So i just go with that for now and just hope things will solve them selfs.

I dont expect anyone to give a shit. But it was nice to get it out. Have nice day.

I'm sorry to hear that you're dealing with this. Would you say that it's accurate that you have a resistance to feeling positive emotions? Also, you seem to have an idea that you have to get somewhere, be a certain way, or achieve something to be valid as a person. This, of course, is not true. But it can be hard to see when dealing with a feeling of baseline inferiority. For this, I recommend looking into the idea of significance, meaning, worthiness/worthlessness, purpose, deserving/undeserving, and good/bad. It's my impression that you believe, on some level (perhaps unconsciously), that these concepts are real things so when you go looking for proof of your own worth and significance, you find none and start to feel worthless. But worth/significance/meaning/etc. are only imaginary concepts. They don't exist. But neither do worthlessness, meaninglessness, insignificance. These are just the measuring tools of the human lens and have nothing to do with reality. Beyond these value-based (value also doesn't exist) understandings of yourself, is something that is always valid no matter what that could never be invalid. If you can see past the labels of the human lens, you will find that everything is perfect and that you are part of that perfection. You don't need to do anything or improve yourself in any way. You are valid, no matter what you do. 

[Epiphany_Inspired]

I think if you picked one of those ultimate images that actually represented your purpose, and began truly visualizing it as equally awesome and attainable it could turn from something that makes you feel powerless to something that makes you truly powerful. This is why dreams and goals really matter. You would have to release any resistance to your ability to get there, and know in your heart that you will do the work, whatever it takes, this is your calling, this is what you are meant to achieve, this is what you will achieve!

[Saarah]

Watch and observe everything including the garbage of yourself and others and everything else

Recognise it as already determined content called reality

See then that 'shoulding' it or judging it is a pointless task you don't need to put effort into, you don't need to control or manipulate something already being what it is 

Then fall in love 

[Andrea Marchetti]

It's because yourself esteem is low that you escape into fantasy land. It's low esteem that causes the fantasy, not the other way round. 
I escape often too, but we have to recognise that the escaping is weakness. Even looking for enlightenment is caused by a weakness.
You have to recognise that most of your behaviour are caused by weaknesses... But you'll be surprised that accepting that very weakness is strength, and by accepting it you have started to transcend it, to transform it. You have to face the fact that you are weak on many points, you have to if you want to be strong... And you can only be strong by accepting the weak, that's the way strength starts to overcome weakness. If we escape into fantasies or excuses it is not going to help us. We must accept the weaknesses, which is the pain behind fantasies and excuses, that very acceptance is strength itself. Fantasies and excuses are the weak acting to be strong.