Huge white light in the top of my head

[randomguy123]

Hey guys,

[I'm sorry I haven't been contributing a lot lately, but I'm working on my problems and I hope to be more active in the future. This post as a lot of others is on my weird issue, however I intend to keep it short this time around. I'm not sure you can classify this as an emotional problem, but I thought it was still best to post it here. I also am aware that Leo wants forum users to cut down on this type of content, so if you feel similar, plz tell me and I will take my issues elsewhere.]

I'm currently in a psychiatric hospital, although there is nothing really wrong with me. My only issue is that I have a huge -what feels like a- slit  at the top of my skull, which radiates a white light all throughout my body. It's so powerful that it blurs out all the experiences I get, the world feels very monochrome to me. I feel like I have the emotional range of a pencil. I can still feel my body, and my emotions, I'm normal guy everything else considered, but they feel almost like distractions to me. It feels like they are underneath this problem, which is so front and center in my experience and it almost makes no sense to deal with them before I deal with this issue.

On a normal day, I feel pretty fuzzy in the head, with lots of brainfog and a general vagueness. I have a huge amount of bodily tension pent up inside of me, and sometimes this reaches a climax, where I feel like I'm getting a heart attack. The latter corresponds with my ability to let go of thoughts and notions about the problem. Sometimes I get stuck in wanting to solve it, etc. and I go through a very bad episode. Lastly, there is no emotional component that I can distinguish, only a few superficial feelings, which barely compare to the huge beam of white which goes through my head and then through my body.

The backstory is that I'm a standard kid, pretty tall and skinny, and have naturally been a thinker. I've never been that connected with everything, as I just thought about everything, rather than feeling it. One could say that I've effectively though myself out of the world. In the last years I've developed some pretty bad stress related issues, I've cramped my body to a pulp, to try and deal with whatever is going on and that's why I was admitted to the hospital to begin with. I don't feel generally that bad, but I do feel like I'm going through the motions in my life, like I'm very disconnected from everything. When I meditate I'm able to clear some of the debris of my body, which just purifies the white light even further. However I can't really make that much progress on the issue as a whole, because everything in me is so unpure that it is hard to really find traction with the problem.

Lastly, I have never done drugs, just THC-oil. Which didn't give me much insight in to my problem, just that it has occurred at a really low level of consciousness, like subhuman, and it also felt like it was much larger than the world we're living in, like way beyond everyday experience.

 

K, that's it. Sorry if it's too long, really tried to write as short as possible. Lmk if you know anything about this kind of stuff, have seen similar stuff, etc.

[electroBeam]

@randomguy123 I don't know what's going on here, even though its profound and fascinating. So I'd encourage you to take what's being said with a massive grain of salt, as I really don't want to confuse you or anyone through projecting my own delusion and lies onto your situation, and I've got a lot of fear about doing just that with this post, having said that, what I can definitely feel is so much humility in this post. This post feels like a waterfall just spraying it out in all directions. Humility in being sensitive to Leo's wants and needs, humility in being open to not knowing what's wrong with you and the possibility that others know more then you do (like the doctors in the psyche ward). Humility in being honest with what you feel and how that's bothering you, and humility in being open to being 'low conscious' or 'not connected with everything' even though I don't really know what those terms mean.

And especially, humility in noticing that 'everything is so unpure'. 

If you're open to it, and I know this is tough to do, maybe its time to give yourself slightly more credit then what you've done?

Maybe its time to recognise just a little bit, that everything "merging" into one (or as you call it, a slit in your head where things blur out and go to a monochrome) IS "connected with everything"ness? 

Maybe its time to recognise, just a little bit, that this blur IS a noticing that you're not a standard kid that's tall and skinny, and is a thinker?

I think there are several problems going on here, but if I'm allowed to blatantly, and deludedly project my past experiences onto this post, I'd bet my money that your in a psyche ward right now because you've tried to be so humble, so damn humble, that you've allowed your humility to prevent yourself from recognising your true being. The fact of the matter is, you are not a skinny, thinking human, but actually a beautiful, perfect, awesome white light that does blur everything into 1 monochrome. 

Its ok to recognise you're awesome sometimes. Even if you just do it a little bit. 

And its ok to recognise that, being awesome means you may need to let go of the many distinctions between your emotions and the "3D world" and just admit that they are 1 thing. They aren't turning into 1 thing, you're not going insane, its not like now that this has happened you're going to be mentally retarded and cannot do maths equations or homework or work anymore, you're just recognising what's been happening since your birth.

Try letting go of the need to make distinctions. And just see where that leads you. Forget the thoughts that tell you its not a good idea, and just focus on what feels right. 

[Gesundheit]

@randomguy123

From "Awakening The Third Eye", by Samuel Sagan.

Edited October 24, 2020 by Gesundheit

[silene]

23 hours ago, randomguy123 said:

I'm currently in a psychiatric hospital, although there is nothing really wrong with me. My only issue is that I have a huge -what feels like a- slit  at the top of my skull, which radiates a white light all throughout my body.

Sorry to hear you're going through this. Stress, brainfog and vagueness is not unusual,  but a slit in your skull is not one I've come across before - I'm assuming this is a feeling you have rather than an actual wound in your skull? Even so it seems pretty heavy to send you to a psychiatric hospital, are they doing some investigations to get a diagnosis? Are you there voluntarily or not?   

23 hours ago, randomguy123 said:

I have a huge amount of bodily tension pent up inside of me, and sometimes this reaches a climax, where I feel like I'm getting a heart attack.

This sounds like anxiety and stress building up to a panic attack. If that's what it is, they are not so unusual either and treatable so please don't worry and I'd recommend working with the professionals and giving your diagnosis and treatment a chance to work and help you. Meditation and relaxation, healthy diet and exercise, good sleep pattern, are all beneficial too and most progressive therapists these days should approve. 

Edited October 24, 2020 by silene

[randomguy123]

Thanks for the kind replies guys. Sorry I'm late with the reponses, been trying to put things together.

@electroBeam Thanks for the flattery, but I'm not sure it's quite appropriate. I don't feel like I've been humble in my life up to this point. All of this seems more like an ego trip to me, as I feel that years of dysfunction and problems are unlikely to result in things worth cherishing. The reason I mentioned the tall and skinny thing, is just that it corresponds with certain models of personality and interests and that those models tends to line up with the problems that I'm facing (just in case somebody is familiar with that stuff).

During my life the bar was always set super high, as my dad always told me I was going to do great things. I internalized this, but since I was unable and also unsure what these expectations were and how to live up to them, I developed a lot of stage blue infrastructure to deal with reality as well as to keep this dream alive in my internal world. As this notion got vaguer and vaguer, and the way I structured my life became less and less sustainable I developed all sorts of destructive habits, which has left me in the spot I am today. Battling with something that seems so disconnected from actual practical life, yet feels very important and at the core of who I am. As we speak I find myself losing this battle a bit more day by day, which I equate with dealing with my problem unconsciously and resolve some of its karma in a gross and very physical way.

 

It feels like my actions have consequences, yet what is required to go through this problem consciously seems so outrageously difficult and the alternative feels so gross and unconscious and life destroying, I'm unsure what to do and stuck dealing with this dysfunction

@Gesundheit Thanks for the reply. I'm still not sure, what it all means and where I am at. I'm also currently not working with any meditation or yoga schemes, because I find that just laying on my back gives me the greatest ability to let go and deal with whatever is going on. So I'm not sure how technical I can get with this. Maybe it is worth mentioning though that it's not my third eye where I feel the most stuff, although there is some fuzziness in that area as well. Its actually the crown of my head. I feel like I'm having to open myself up to whatever is going on there, but all that I'm able to do is open up to it partially. After which I often accidently crack my spine, which releases the energy in a gross and unconscious way and constricts the problem even further.

 

[randomguy123]

On 24-10-2020 at 8:39 PM, silene said:

Sorry to hear you're going through this. Stress, brainfog and vagueness is not unusual,  but a slit in your skull is not one I've come across before - I'm assuming this is a feeling you have rather than an actual wound in your skull? Even so it seems pretty heavy to send you to a psychiatric hospital, are they doing some investigations to get a diagnosis? Are you there voluntarily or not?   

Yes, I'm here voluntarily as I feel like it's a 'safe' environment to work on this stuff. It's just a feeling, but things get pretty rough. My physical body is buckling under all of this pressure. I have regular cramping all over my body, from the heart area to my feet and head, upper arms, shoulders, etc. My entire skull is tense and my ear drums are under a constant pressure (like I'm constantly under water), I've developed vitiligo and some dental problems, vision problems, all of which I believe to be related. Sometimes these issues get very bad, and I can feel that I'm letting go of the pressure in the most unconscious way, which feels very gross and degenerative. I'm here for diagnostics, but I don't expect much out of it. (Although I've learned that it's also an easy defense mechanism to claim that these people can't help me in any way, and to consider myself above all of this)

 

On 24-10-2020 at 8:39 PM, silene said:

This sounds like anxiety and stress building up to a panic attack. If that's what it is, they are not so unusual either and treatable so please don't worry and I'd recommend working with the professionals and giving your diagnosis and treatment a chance to work and help you. Meditation and relaxation, healthy diet and exercise, good sleep pattern, are all beneficial too and most progressive therapists these days should approve. 

Yh, there's a lot of that going on for sure, but it feels like I'm not properly dealing with it, which makes everything I do feel very wrong. I feel like I'm making choices going through this thing, yet I only have gross ways at my disposal to deal with it. Stuff like progressive relaxation, exercise and clean eating, feel like they're not refined enough to have an impact. And even the most focused relaxation and letting go of thoughts, barely touches the problems and is only incrementally changing the situation and this often in a very uncomfortable way.

Edited October 25, 2020 by randomguy123

[Gesundheit]

@randomguy123 It is explained in the book that the third eye is not actually a pinpointed spot, but rather a tunnel that connects the forehead to the back of the head. Idk that maybe worth mentioning. Good luck.

[electroBeam]

@randomguy123 its ok to let that sad story go, and feel good for the sake of it... because that story isn't actually real.

The only ego trip you're going through right now is thinking you're a problem. 

[AtheisticNonduality]

Maybe you're experiencing something like depersonalization/derealization.

[Nahm]

@randomguy123

Keep returning focus to big big stomach breaths, with the point being feeling. Feel your entire waste-line expand when you take in a big stomach breath. Feel the breath into the body all the way to the sensations in the bottom of your feet, and all the way up to the top of the head. 

Thoughts take us all for a ride. All the emotional misunderstanding from our past, from all the suppression we had to do just to psychologically function to be on the same page as the conventional collective survival status quo, is completely false. What a toll this took on you love. 

Keep letting go by feeling via breath. The breath is no thing, and will excavate the body of misunderstandings. On their way out, ‘they’ll try to rope you in’, again & again & again. Don’t ‘fall for it’, allow feeling, slow the breath to excavate. Don’t hold back what comes up, and yet don’t ‘fall for the thought stories’ of it. Keep relaxing over and over, keep feeling via the breath, over & over. 

You, complete, in the peace of our being, is the result of letting go. The pressures you innocently internalized are clashing with truth. 

Forgive them, truly, truly, truly, they do not know. 

Forgive yourself. You are the pure & innocent, untouchable, un-harmable, love and light of this place. 

Better days are coming my friend. Better days ahead. ☀️ 

Every being in your universe sends their love home to you. 

Just keep letting go, and receiving it. 

Fill yourself with yourself. ?

[randomguy123]

@Gesundheit  Thanks I'll keep it in mind.

 

On 26-10-2020 at 0:59 AM, electroBeam said:

@randomguy123 its ok to let that sad story go, and feel good for the sake of it... because that story isn't actually real.

The only ego trip you're going through right now is thinking you're a problem. 

Yh, letting go is hard though. Sometimes I do really well, other times I'm just driving the knife deeper. I go up, I go down. I don't know what I did. Letting go of every lie seems just too hard. Then I somehow find another crack in the whole thing. Then it all morphs again and all the scaffolding is now the problem and is holding me back. I'm going in circles, going nowhere.

 

On 26-10-2020 at 1:13 AM, AtheisticNonduality said:

Maybe you're experiencing something like depersonalization/derealization.

I'm not sure, I'm always solidly here, never had any personality issues. This thing however is an outgrowth of my upbringing, perspective of life, etc., I'm not sure how much needs to be let go of, before I can function again in this society. That would be a nice start. 

 

@Nahm Thanks for the comment. You really made me feel better. I'm trying to let go of all the thought stories, I've noticed the impact when I do, it's amazing. Yet the burden is big, the road very long. I'll work with the breathing technique, thanks again. I hope to one day be as helpful as you've been to me.

[Nahm]

@randomguy123

Much appreciated, but it was all you. That good feeling is always there in ya.