My mind flew off the wire entirely

[trenton]

I am not sure what happened.  I had a couple of long days at work and had almost no sleep two nights in a row.  The most sleep I managed to get was a one hour nap yesterday.  I struggled to get another nap today.  I think I have a constant psychological problem concerning sleep.

I have a lot of racing thoughts again in spite of the increased dose of anxiety pills.  I am contradicting myself a lot and my mind stopped making sense.  It results in major mood swings such as crying tears of joy to intense irrational hatred.  I don't even know of what.

This makes me feel lost, unproductive, and confusingly angry when this happens.  I don't know what to do, but I hope to see this through.  I realize this is temporary and the resolution will come.

[silene]

Sorry to hear you're going through this. How's your diet and exercise routine? Maybe cutting down on caffeine could help too. I guess you are seeing someone to prescribe the anxiety pills,  I wonder if the increased dose is giving you side effects.  Are they giving you any other support to help with the emotional regulation, or if not could you ask to get referred for more specialist treatment? 

[trenton]

@silene I do plan to see a someone about this.  I can also get back to the fruit smoothies pretty soon as that and push ups through the day would probably help more than just walking or running.  Thanks for the thought.

[susanyzm]

Good sleep love regularity. You may start by implementing some sleep routines. I have a set routine and I can see my sleep quality changes whether I practice it or not. It includes yoga stretching, journaling, meditation, hypnosis guidance, and deep, deep, deep breathing. 

Emotional problems have deep routes. But you can find some quick fix by implementing good habits. Wish you all the best!

[trenton]

I was temporarily happy again with no serious problems.  Today it came up that I am confused about what to do with my life.  This is associated with suicidal thoughts and related to how I feel about working at Kroger.  I am currently taking the life purpose course, but I am getting stuck because my mood swings alter my evaluation of myself significantly.  My grandma intends to call a professional tomorrow.  I have a lot of irrational thoughts and don't feel like getting out of bed.  This is related to "I need to live up to my potential.". I was perfectly fine yesterday when I didn't take the medicine to reduce anxiety at all, but I still some up early.

[Ananta]

3 hours ago, trenton said:

My grandma intends to call a professional tomorrow.

This is probably a very good idea. You are having many psych symptoms, so best to be evaluated. Especially, if you feel impulsive (?) while having suicidal thoughts. 

[trenton]

@Ananta that is correct I do feel impulsive.  I just lay in bed paralyzed by intense emotions as I have suicidal thoughts.  It is worth noting that the next day I feel fine and peaceful.  This makes me confused because I am oscillating between feeling peaceful, happy, and focused and depressed, suicidal, and hateful.

I also discovered that I swing the pendulum a lot based on what I think is good.  This makes me confused about what to do with my life.

[Ananta]

2 hours ago, trenton said:

It is worth noting that the next day I feel fine and peaceful.  This makes me confused because I am oscillating between feeling peaceful, happy, and focused and depressed, suicidal, and hateful.

This IS confusing! I would make a mental health appointment. 

[LeoX8]

@trenton Man you are overstressing yourself. The more you put on your shoulders the more your psyche reacts against you. Basically you  are pushing too much yourself. 

Try to figure out if there is something deeper going on here: what are you really afraid of? what is the MAIN reason that makes you rush so much?

My advice is to cut all the things that drain energy and time from you and try to sleep even if  it seems difficult, force yourself to do it (help you with some warm tee and take away all the distractions).

When I'm really stressed the thing that help me the MOST is first noticing that I'm stressed and after that I see how much tension I have in my body, in particular my shoulders are really tight and tensed. I then try to  breathe thorugh this tension and relax my muscles. Try this out during the day and be awere of what you are feeling. Also guided audios for body relaxation will be helpful. 

I know it feels like shit right now but becoming awere that you don't want to be in this situation anymore is a beautiful thing. 

Recognize that if you don't to suffer anymore you just want to be happy and in peace and this my friend is the ultimate form of love and compassion that you have for yourself.

I know you can do this

hope that this has helped<3

[trenton]

@LeoX8 one thing that might cause me to rush is the idea that I am not good enough.  This makes me so everything I can to be the best person I can possibly be, but I often end up feeling stuck anyway.  I think if I found a way to stop manipulating myself because I think I should be better, then I might be happier.  Currently it feels depressing and it makes me confused.

All of this leads to me pushing very hard toward what I think is good.  Deeper down I feel a painful manipulation at play when I do this.

[Nahm]

On 10/12/2020 at 3:07 PM, trenton said:

I am not sure what happened.  I had a couple of long days at work and had almost no sleep two nights in a row.  The most sleep I managed to get was a one hour nap yesterday.  I struggled to get another nap today.  I think I have a constant psychological problem concerning sleep.

I have a lot of racing thoughts again in spite of the increased dose of anxiety pills.  I am contradicting myself a lot and my mind stopped making sense.  It results in major mood swings such as crying tears of joy to intense irrational hatred.  I don't even know of what.

This is par for the course on the path. There is emotional misunderstanding which releases from the body and it can indeed be an epic experience. 

It is relieving, releasing. It is love healing, it is healing love. 

But - you contextualize it, to be about “you”, and thus create suffering, confusion, and the insomnia for reconciliation. 

Quote

This makes me feel lost, unproductive, and confusingly angry when this happens.  I don't know what to do, but I hope to see this through.  I realize this is temporary and the resolution will come.

Lost, unproductive, and confusingly angry - are not feeling, but are perspectives. When you believe those thoughts, to the extent you have convinced yourself those are not thoughts (aka perspectives) - you suffer needlessly. 

When you instead, shift focus to feeling breathing from the stomach, and focus on the here & now of perception, or, seeing & hearing - ‘you give permission’ for the body to continue to release the ways of old. 

The resolution will not come. 

The resolution is letting the thoughts & perspectives which feeling (and “sleep”) are telling you to let go, go. 

There is nothing wrong with you. There is nothing wrong with your life. You are an angel in heaven. 

?

Make focus & feeling breathing from your stomach your best friend, and you will sleep like a baby. 

Some perspectives have not served you or your creating for a long while now. 

Let them burn in the love within. It can take it. 

[LeoX8]

@trenton I know what you are talking about. I felt not good enough for a long time and the though of becoming a better person motivated me for some time, but really it drained me, and still now sometimes. 

Acknowlegde that you are the one who sets how much is good enough, and also you decide what to do if you don't do what you expect from yourself. You are both the victim and the judge, and at the same time none of those. 

If you see this you can take all this a little bit deeper and see that you are also the one who can forgive your victim and set him for happiness.

Happiness is a state of being that comes from you, remember, is not something that you obtain. Even if you do all the this you set for yourself, success of all of that won't bring you happiness. Actually this is a good thing: it means that you can get it no matter who you think you are and what your situation is.

Trenton I know that there is a part of you that wants to end this confusion and suffering, focus on that. See that even if you struggle to be happy or to be enough you WANT to be like that, and even if you are not like that (in your opinion) you WANT to be. This kind of desire is called love and is love that you have for yourself. 

The only thing that you have to do is decide to be like that and not trying to be enough, but act if you already are enough. 

Read this post over again and try to see the main point I'm trying to get here.

SPOILER ALERT: you are enough, you are amazing, you have the potential to change your life in a second and turn it as you want it to be.

Trust me and trust yourself. 

hope that this has helped <3