Stupid Greed,Humanity is Sick, Fedup wit this garbage world, I Rebel against it

[Preety_India]

This is a journal for me to vent out my frustrations in life. 

 

Edited August 12, 2020 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

I have been having mental breakdowns for the past few days.. 

Just thinking about whatever happened.. 

And how sick humanity is. How greedy people are. 

I hate this planet. Thank God I don't have kids. I don't want my children in this horrible world and see them suffer

I'm gradually getting more and more sick of this world. 

The devil has fooled too many. 

It's always the ppl that WOULD help that NEED help

Edited August 12, 2020 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

My father's condition was awful when he died. I was too young and just completed school. 

He died under horrible circumstances. 

There was nobody to help him. I was the only one to take him to the hospital. 

People were cowards. 

The same people who he helped all his life, turned their backs on him when he needed them. 

He had brothers who never helped him. 

I feel disgust for humanity 

When I was 21, I had already seen the state of humanity in hospitals. 

I had seen dead bodies, I had witnessed my school teacher's death. 

There were nobody to help her either. 

Even her sister didn't visit her whose child she had cared for many years. 

It's terrible. 

I had held my my teacher's hand in the hospital just  3 weeks before her death in the hospital. 

I had profound experiences in life and I suffered extensive trauma because of these experiences. 

People are heartless. 

This world is a depraved, evil, greedy, selfish, hedonistic, cult like, heartless, Unkind, pathetic, cowardly, sick, deranged place. It's garbage 

 

[Preety_India]

I had decided when I was 21 that I was never going to have children. Not in this world. 

My kids won't grow up in this world. 

Because I had witnessed, by the age of 21, so much suffering, death, disaster, trauma, abuse, poverty, hopelessness, deprivation, illness, misery, murder that I was already done with life by that point. 

I knew that there wasn't much to look forward to. 

I knew that life wasn't going to be good. I was great at intuition. I had accurately predicted my father's death and I could sense that the world wasn't a good place at such early age 

 

[Preety_India]

 

It's a terrible world. You have to be able to confront reality, rather than deny it. It's a bad place you know. It's a terrible world. It's not made to help people to bring them up, it's made to watch them suffer and so many people suffer in a dirty, disgusting, perverted, deranged, horrible, sick, hateful, heartless world in which people suffer and others who are heartless, they watch them suffer, This world is a very depraved place. 

My journal entry today. I will always remember these words. 

 

 

This world is like a vortex. 

 

This world is a slave camp and we are all slaves. We have to play by the rules

 Lucky slaves get to live. Unfit slaves die. Because they are of no use to this world. 

We are not free. Freedom is an illusion. 

We are bound by the waves of this world. 

By life. By fear of death. 

The soul is heaven. We are living in hell. Everything outside our body is hell..

The soul is the seat of the Temple. The oasis. 

Life is sacred because the soul is the liver 

But life is enslaved by this world. 

Life is trapped and so is the soul 

The world is controlled by people, mostly bad people. 

 

Edited August 12, 2020 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

Last night I woke up from a dream. 

 

[Preety_India]

Freedom is an illusion 

 

 

[Preety_India]

Freedom is a concept 

 

[Preety_India]

Life is an illusion. 

 

[Preety_India]

 

One drop of compassion is worth more than a million achievements in the world

[Preety_India]

Talking to the world. 

 

I feel like I am living in a world where everything is a rat race. Everything is a hamster on a wheel. 

 

But remember that karma always exists. Those who died they died but they didn't die in vain. They died horrible deaths. But their lives were stories too. 

There is a payoff for rebelling against the world. The payoff is a better relationship with God,being closer to God and saving your soul. 

What have you achieved by gaining all the riches of the world and losing your soul in return. 

You might feel like you are successful right now. But you won't have a soul to save you when you suffer because you lack the source, the source is compassion, you lack compassion, that's why you created a rat race world culture. 

But when you have your soul with you, you  at least have something. 

But when you, I mean you who judges me, when you will suffer, like me, you will have nothing to save you. Because you didn't save a soul. Because you don't have a soul that can save you. You wanted fake security. You wanted false security. You wanted financial security. You thought that's what will save you. You built a system of fake security. That destroyed human relationships and turned man against man, brother against brother. In this process, you lost compassion, you lost humanity.. In this process, you sold your soul

Because soul is nothing but compassion. When you lose compassion, you lose your soul. You become soulless. You become a slave to the world. You become the hamster. You become the car salesman. But one day when you will suffer, this slave system that you slaved for so long will not come for your rescue. Today you praise this slavery. Tomorrow this system will throw you out when they see you are no longer useful. You don't serve their purpose anymore. This same slavery system will spit you out. You will suffer the same fate you were escaping from. 

And that day you will realize that this system is fake, the glory is fake, this system is a cult, it's a slavery, this system is not worthy of having. 

This world is not worthy of living in 

This life is not worth the suffering. 

I don't lose this world. The world loses me.

Edited August 13, 2020 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

What little compassion people have towards someone who commits suicide 

I have heard people call them weak, cowards and pussies.. 

No. They are not weak. 

They died because they suffered. It's important to show them compassion instead of judging them. 

That's why I don't like this world. 

 

[Preety_India]

The first law should be to not impede another person's potential. 

This world is based in greed and survival. 

It's not based on empathy. 

And when people die, they call it natural selection.. 

The next thing is to have a firm shield against the world, the system, the suffering. 

To cultivate this shield.. 

To not let the forces of the world to destroy you  

You are already in hell. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

@Keyhole thank you for your kind words. I'm trying to cope as much as I can. 

 

[Preety_India]

 

5 hours ago, Keyhole said:

You have been through so much, I have been reading your experiences you have written about on here and it breaks my heart because you are so sweet and so responsible, my hope is that you get to someday live with your partner and that you will be comfortable and able to heal in peace, being loved until the end.

If I had gone through all that you have I would never have made it out, your strength is admirable.

You and this child have the same strength.  Too young to have your resilience tested in the way that it was, and yet you pushed through.

You're a hero, true heros live behind the scenes.

You're working through so much karma and doing it like such a fucking boss, when you return to your soul family they are going to be so proud.

 

I have realized that life is hard. And it takes a lot to get through. There is not much I can do other than keep struggling. 

 

[DrewNows]

You sure do a lot of hell holing which can raeally turn me off (makes me wanna judge/fix/criticize  

But it’s been so empowering to learn to accept and even appreciate your authentic nature, even when I’m not interested in seeing things in the same way/fashion (very often) 

I have a feeling it’s been a fabulous way to keep your mind and heart organized/grounded 

did you read the Kybalion?  

Edited August 12, 2020 by DrewNows

[Preety_India]

 

6 minutes ago, Keyhole said:

You're welcome, for sure, my traumas have not been quite as intense, and they're still difficult to process, so I can't imagine how all that you have been through, I intuit that it will be a deeper process for you to have to go into than most.

Are you going to be moving in with your boyfriend in the future?  Maybe being loved and held and snuggled on a constant schedule can help.

I can understand that, maybe you need a fresh start somewhere?

Yea I need deeper therapy but right I can't afford that. So I just vent my frustration in a journal as a therapy 

My boyfriend and I are not on talking terms right now because the last time he was at my place, I wasn't feeling well and that didn't go very well with him. I became despondent after that. 

So I am not talking to him. Neither is he. 

My mom is incredibly frail now. It seems she has stopped eating for some reason and she doesn't want to take meds anymore. She constantly says that she doesn't want to live anymore. That's hard on me. Even though she abused me all my childhood, I don't want her gone. I have siblings who cut ties with me and my mom long ago. And my dad passed away in 2009. I was very young at that time. 

My siblings are rich, they can afford treatment for my mom but they don't want to spend a dime for her. I tried calling them for help but they hung up. 

I tripped while walking and got my leg injured 2 weeks ago. Since then I'm unable to walk. Walking has become a big struggle. And the doctor said that it would take a long time for it to heal, maybe six months or more. So I walk with a stick. 

So now things are getting harder for me than before. I'm basically sick of living. 

Last week I called my boyfriend and I told him about my problems and he called me a coward, a schizophrenic, a pussy and a bunch of other names. Because I was feeling suicidal. I had tried to cut myself. I wasn't able to deal with anything anymore. I didn't know how to act happy when I was completely hopeless from inside.. I can't do that. You know I'm just me.. I can't put a lid on my emotions. I need emotional release because i feel better after that. 

I just have to be authentic. Pretending or hiding is not going to help. 

It's not my fault if I am in a bad emotional state because of my past trauma. It's PTSD. It shows up even if I don't want it to exist. 

So I feel like maybe he can't deal with me anymore and maybe I shouldn't blame him because maybe I'm too much for someone to deal with because of my trauma 

But I felt like he could have at least been sympathetic rather than coming across as very judgemental 

I have realized that people don't understand someone with trauma and they blame them for their suffering and this doesn't help, it only makes things worse. 

So past few days I've been feeling like shit. I turned to Satanism and the non judgemental nature of this religion kinda made me feel better and less of a failure. 

I try to be my best self but I get hated immensely when my flaws show up. I can't be perfect in a world where you are expected to be perfect as a woman. I can't do that. So I'm like fuck this world. I have been ruminating on the state of the world and how pathetic the world is and greedy the world is. I'm sick of this judgemental zero compassion world. 

Few days back I received the news that a friend from school committed suicide. This completely shattered me. I just hate this world now even more. I have been driven off the edge and this is not the first time. 

For past few days I have been thinking about how people get sucked into the chaos of this world and end up losing their life and other people just judge them as cowards and weak. Nobody tries to understand their pain 

I woke up from a dream last night and I was sweating in fear when I woke up, in the dream I was standing on the edge of a building and trying to jump off, convincing myself this world is no good and has no place for real people like me. 

Then I wrote this post in my private journal when I woke up and it made sense to me

"It's a terrible world. You have to be able to confront reality, rather than deny it. It's a bad place you know. It's a terrible world. It's not made to help people to bring them up, it's made to watch them suffer and so many people suffer in a dirty, disgusting, perverted, deranged, horrible, sick, hateful, heartless world in which people suffer and others who are heartless, they watch them suffer, This world is a very depraved place. "

I have begun to feel that life is pointless. If there is any meaning to life, it's only because I injected meaning into it. 

I have been getting all these dark thoughts about the world but it seems like it is making sense.. Because I don't want to deny reality any more. 

[Preety_India]

 

1 hour ago, DrewNows said:

You sure do a lot of hell holing which can raeally turn me off (makes me wanna judge/fix/criticize  

But it’s been so empowering to learn to accept and even appreciate your authentic nature, even when I’m not interested in seeing things in the same way/fashion (very often) 

I have a feeling it’s been a fabulous way to keep your mind and heart organized/grounded 

did you read the Kybalion?  

Yea I just try to be very raw and authentic with my emotions. Because there is nobody I can talk to. And I don't want to burden people with my misery talk. 

So it's best to vent it out in a journal. And accept things the way they are rather than wanting to fix them. At least I will be able to find peace by accepting things. 

I haven't read the Kybalion, I have heard this word. . But I haven't read it 

 

 

[DrewNows]

33 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

I haven't read the Kybalion, I have heard this word. . But I haven't read it 

Not sure why I asked exactly but here it is if you ever wanna hear it  (I really enjoyed it, tremendously) 

Adventure story exploration into the nature of reality, doesn’t get much better than that 

[DefinitelyNotARobot]

Don't usually read through many journals, neither do I comment on them but damn that was a good fucking read! Some real shit.

I wish I could tell you something that would sooth your soul, but I don't have any words.

Suffering is a hell of a beast. Words can't describe it, words can't make it stop. Especially shit like depression, PTSD and self-harm. I have a lot of experiences with those kinds of things personally and I know what it feels like. It looks like suffering awaits you wherever you go. Suffering in every concern of earth. There just doesn't seem any end in sight. So I feel a lot of compassion for the things you have to go through right now even if compassion isn't going to do it here.

Much love and good luck on your path. You can never have too much of either one of those.

Edited August 13, 2020 by DefinitelyNotARobot