TRIP REPORT - DXM - What's behind the ego-matrix?

[billiesimon]

What a mindblowing experience 
+++ DISCLAIMER: this report seems like a bad trip, but in fact it was an AWESOME TRIP! It just felt very very cold and "noir", like a thriller movie. But I was in a nice quiet state all the time. +++

This is my 4th psychedelic trip (the others were with 1P-LSD).

-- Condition: empty stomach for more than 8 hours
-- Pre-start: I assumed 400 ml of grapefruit juice, just as recommended in the reddit community, to boost the duration of dxm's psychic effect
-- Meditation for 40 minutes
-- Set the intention to explore how reality works
-- Assumed >>> 200 mg of pure DXM in syrup format (no other active substances, only sugar syrup)

I'm shocked because the amount of dxm was pretty low, and I expected low results. Not this explosion of "madness".

 

THE COMEUP

I tried to execute this trip outdoor, at the park near my house. 
I went out for a walk, and then, when the comeup was building, the rain started to pour.

I ran with my body still decently sober and took shelter inside my car. I decided to stay there, since the trip was building up and I needed to stay safe and put.

My body started to dissociate from me, and I started to feel like under anesthesia, numb, sleepy and confused. I remained calm, present, and waited in the car silently.

 

ALIENATED FROM MYSELF

After several minutes inside the car, I started to feel this CONSTANT "what the hell is happening?" feeling. Like I was in a state of constant mystery and awe.

This sense of deep, mystical mystery was the theme that accompanied my WHOLE trip. It was devoid of all emotions, except the emotion of confusion and mystery.

I'm used to LSD, which is very warm and loving, and so DXM felt very distant and detached to me.

I reached a point where I coulnd't feel my body that much and my head was somehow spinning in confusion. 

At that point... my sense of time was stretched and almost paused for more than 30 minutes. I lost myself in observing the landscape and the street, for what seemed like 15 or 20 minutes, only to realize, watching the phone, that it was only TWO MINUTES!!! My sense of  time slowed down so much! 

 

SELF INQUIRY = DESCENT INTO THE HORROR

At this point, both fascinated and creeped out by this weird feeling, I decided to try to do self inquiry in this powerful detached and dissociated state.

It was very easy to just sit and contemplate reality, since my body was very numb and my mind was pretty clear from thoughts and from my sense of identity. I still had my core identity (age, birth, job etc) but not all the stories I tell myself about my persona. They were gone. 

° 1st self inquiry attempt: 
Pretty freaky - I was capable of becoming completely still and statue-like and observe/hear reality from a deeply neutral and peaceful point of view. To be honest it was somehow between peaceful and thrill-inducing, like a detective movie. I could feel the mystery of existence in this completely still observation.
At some point reality seemed to crystallize in a totally frozen state, where everything seemed to be eternal, like the stonehenge monoliths.

 

° 2nd self inquiry attempt:

DAMN SCARY - After some minutes of chilling out in my ego and just checking my car, I decided to try again, and to go deeper.

I reached a state of total stillness of my body, while looking at the empty street. My mind was completely clear and present.

And then.... my ego got "frozen" and put aside. It was still there, it was not dead, but it was in some kind of standby, not interfering with my contemplation.

My gaze was fixed on the street, like I was a statue made of marble. 

This greek column, made of the color brown and dark yellow (in a sort of tribal pattern), appeared in my imagination and was fixed in front of me. The column started to disintegrate slowly from the top down to the bottom, very slowly, leaving a trace of dust from its disintegration.

AT THE SAME TIME, while my body was completely ok on a visual level, my hands and feet started to DISINTEGRATE on a TOUCH level. Which means that my sense of touch perceived that my bones and tissues from my hands/feet were disintegrating into dust like the column in my imagination.

While all this madness was happening, I was staring at the column in absolute conteplation and adoration, and I was in stil blissful state of total neutrality and total detachment from reality. There was an egoic voice inside me telling me that I am disintegrating and that I need to stop, but I was raptured by the ecstasy of the colorful column and the magic of perfect disintegration.

After some moments my ego kicked back in total despair >>>> "AAHH!!!!" I screamed briefly. I frantically moved my hands and feet to check on them and to gain back control of my identity. 

This part was so IMPORTANT to me because I realized for the fist time what it means to get inside the ego. It's like entering a really confined and tight place, where you have to respect the borders or the owner gets mad at you. The ego is very wary of you stepping out of it. That's why I felt the need to regain "control" of myself. The ego seemed to be completely terrified of my disintegration fantasy.

 

3rd and final self inquiry - YOU ARE WELCOME. COME IN

This is crazy. I know that the most experienced of you will already know this, but to me it was completely unexpected and SHOCKING. But  in a good way. It was mysterious and thrilling, but also very fascinating and magical.

I sit again in contemplation, after some minutes of chilling out. My body is still completely dissociated and my ego is still weak and blurry.

I look at the street, I breathe regularly, I have no thoughts, I focus intensely on my perceptions and the origin of this perceptions. I focus, I focus, I focus. Only external reality exists in this moment, not me. 

And then IT CRACKS. Reality cracks open. OH MY GOD.

My visual field remains exactly the same of a normal sober person, but.... i feel a deep crack in the matrix, like some kind of illusion was removed from me.

IT WAS FREAKY AS FUCK!!!!! I could literally feel that everything I was seeing and hearing was somehow... how can I say... a movie. But not just a movie. An infinite and perfecly realistic "painting" which could become "real". But still a painting.

I started to feel a lot of HIGH AND DEVASTATING vibrations coming onto me, and they were somehow pleasant and somehow painful. They were like waves of hardcore energy bursting at me and reverberating in my mind. I've NEVER felt anything like this before, it's insane.

Now the crack in reality has opened, I'm starting to freak the fuck out really badly and I notice that my body seems like A DEAD CORPSE on the car seat. 
Oh my god. I feel NO connection to my body, I feel like a soul floating inside my head, but detached from my body and egoic mind. And reality is this artificial painting that's been revealed to be created by someone.

The crack now has a clear opening. It has cracked open.

I FEEL THE INVITATION. Something is inviting me to come in. There are no words, no entities, nothing. Just me and the crack in reality. But I CAN FEEL, I CAN FEEL that Source is behind that crack in reality. At that point I was 100% sure. I was sure: If I accept the invitation.... my ego will be dead. I will merge with Absolute Consciousness.

Oh god. Oh god. I am both blissed out and terrified. I start to get closer to that cracked opening, while reality is completely crystallized in a painting-like state, so absurd!!!

I get closer and the invitation is becoming more seductive and ecstatic, but at the same time I can feel my identity starting to collapse and die out.

"AAAAAHHHHHH!!" Something inside me, my ego, screams at me to stop and I scream in terror!!!! I refuse the invitation from Source and shake my body violently, CLEARLY FEELING my soul getting back inside my ego!!!! It was sooooooooooo insane!!!!!!!!! The feeling of coming back inside is so totally freaking insane!!!!!!

I have refused the call. I listened to my ego and came back in my self image.

Why did I do it? 
When I was approaching the cracked entrance, a voice in my head started telling me "if you enter in that crack you will DIE!!!! You will DIE!!!! They will find your corpse in the car and your life will be over!!! STOP!!!"

 

Woah.......... ... .. .

 

After 30 minutes of chilling out, the high state of the dxm subsided, and I regained a normal sense of reality. 
That night I didn't sleep at all. I've thought about the invitation from Source all night. I guess shoud have accepted.

 

Let me know what you think about it, and if you can give an explanation 

[electroBeam]

wow you tried DXM, I tried that ages ago.