How to find a partner who is compatible

[Mongu9719]

I am a 22 year old male and have some questions regarding choosing  a partner. I dated someone for the past 1 year who ended up being very self destructive. She ate fast food all the time, had an extremely messy apartment, and was addicted to social media. Her life philosophy is essential to be a successful doctor and make money and have a large house. She is also fairly negative and has a nihilistic attitude towards life, “that there is no point”. Her personality is what attracted me to her, but her self destructive habits and life goals have completely turned me off. I don’t really like to categorise people but she seems very “orange” on the spiral and whenever I bring up the idea of spirituality and Leo, she says that I’m in a cult and that all these things are just BS. I clean her room sometimes but she just makes it messy the next day. I was also going through some mental health issues and didn’t want to have sex, but she persistently kept asking to have sex with me even I wasn’t in the mood. She constantly chases pleasure and loves to shop. To me she seems like the average college student who is brainwashed by American consumerism and materialism. I don’t know if most people are like this but, I really don’t want to get into a situation like this again, and I was wondering if I could get some advice on how to find someone that has their life together and has similar values to me. Again I don’t want to label, but I would put myself at mostly Green on the spiral with some orange, and this transition from orange to mostly green took me about 5 years. It seems like finding  a green person is really uncommon.

Edited February 25, 2020 by Mongu9719

[Preety_India]

Very tough. Tough luck. 

Most people these days are orange. Age of materialism and consumerism like never seen before in history. 

All of my friends just buy buy buy... It's so common. I know it's bad. But they don't think it's bad. 

I was laughing when you wrote she eats fast food and is addicted to social media because the guys and gals in my neighborhood dorm do video games and there are boxes and boxes of pizza and coke bottles and all fast food wrappers covers in their trash cans outside and lot of stuff littered around their homes. Beer bottles and cans and all. 

And they are on social media. 

One reason why I stay away from them because I can't do that. Not that I didn't do it before. But I'm tired of the consumerism. Its an addiction. I myself was addicted to buying. 

With my no social contact challenge I no longer hang out with them so no spending fast cash on fast food or fashion and no more  social media addiction for me. Been there done that. Not good not healthy. 

To be frank a lot of people are like this if not most, it's being celebrated by people like the Kardashians and modern day celebrity. 

You'll need to drop her from your life because of the value mismatch. 

The remedy - socialization. 

Get out there. Go to places, festivals, talk, interact, approach. Approach. 

With a lot of effort, there is at least a 5% chance of meeting a person who is more compatible to your needs. With time you will find it easier to detect someone  who is highly compatible, just a glance will be enough because you will get better and better at catching the vibe of the other person. 

Be with a person who has realistic goals, has the same value structure as you. Who is more into emotion and less into materialism. 

But for that you have to find such people in places where such people hang out Iike a spiritual retreat. 

You cant go to a club and expect a monk to be dancing there.. 

If you are hanging around a college campus, university, Cafe, club, bar, social media, rich restaurants, cozy apartments, fashion boutique, obviously you're going to meet the party spoiled, materialistic, celebrity obsessed orange kind of people. 

 

[Mongu9719]

@Preety_India I was thinking of joining a Isha Yoga program, but it would be in a different state, so I probably couldn’t maintain contact. There must be stage orange people that are healthy too right? Like people that workout at the gym and have a successful career? 

[Preety_India]

3 minutes ago, Mongu9719 said:

@Preety_India I was thinking of joining a Isha Yoga program, but it would be in a different state, so I probably couldn’t maintain contact. There must be stage orange people that are healthy too right? Like people that workout at the gym and have a successful career? 

Depends on what you want. There are healthy and unhealthy people on each stage of the spiral. 

You Might come across a stage turquoise person yet they may not fit into your life goals and paradigms. They are just as incompatible. 

Maybe what you are looking for is a transitioning person, who is a blend of all the good things, someone who is green with some orange 

 

 

[shokoman]

I was lucky few times on dating sites, it is a quite good option.

[Pritpal Singh]

6 hours ago, Preety_India said:

 

6 hours ago, Preety_India said:

 The remedy - socialization. 

Get out there. Go to places, festivals, talk, interact, approach. Approach.

 

@Preety_India good inputs I am sure @Mongu9719 will be able make the most of them to find the partner he is looking for. I have a question based on your quoted reply.

What exactly do you mean when you say approach. How will he be able to approach unknown people with the intention finding perfect partner? Kindly elaborate on this, thanks in advance.

[Preety_India]

1 hour ago, Pritpal Singh said:

@Preety_India good inputs I am sure @Mongu9719 will be able make the most of them to find the partner he is looking for. I have a question based on your quoted reply.

What exactly do you mean when you say approach. How will he be able to approach unknown people with the intention finding perfect partner? Kindly elaborate on this, thanks in advance.

Approach means cold approaches as in pick up. There's tons of threads on pick up in this sub section. 

Also read online about cold approaching.. 

The success rate is low but a lot of guys get successful I guess. 

 

[Preety_India]

 

 

@Pritpal Singh  this thread and video is a good place to get your information. 

 

 

 

[Mongu9719]

@Preety_India I am actually in India right now, finishing up my medical degree but im an NRI or ABCD (American born confused desi).I left 2 years ago because it was difficult for me to adjust to medical school and india. During this period I was working near a college in Florida that my girlfriend was attending, and that’s when all this stuff happened. I was born and raised in Orlando, FL but my parents are Indian. They sent me to India to do medicine (against my will) after I finished high school. I’m back in India again due to parental coercion and inability to support myself, but I don’t exactly know how to interact with girls here, since the culture is very different. I know that they tend to be more conservative. I’ve never been into pickup and dont find the appeal. I want to be in a relationship, and I don’t want casual sex or one night stands. I know you said I should do cold approaches, but I don’t know if that will work in India. Since you are from India, and a girl, perhaps you have some input on this. 

Edited February 25, 2020 by Mongu9719

[Roy]

That is the harsh reality you must accept if you're seeking a long term partner that is as developed as you. If you're in a heavily stage orange society as a mostly stage green person, statistically it's just going to be more difficult for you to find people that resonate with you. That said you don't need to exclusively date only people at the same point in life as you, it's entirely possible to have an awesome long term relationship with someone who isn't like you at all, and you end up balancing each other out and contributing radically different things to the relationship.

If you are after that person that is most compatible though. You basically need to act, position yourself, and participate in the world in a way that is most authentic to your values and attitudes. As a stage green guy you going to have a hard time finding that stage green girl by hanging out at a mall or a bar hitting on people lol. Your chances will go way up if perhaps, you're at a volunteer tree planting event, or at a concert like Burning Man.

It might take a long time for you to find that suitable partner, but that's the cost you pay for having standards.

I've never had any problems with attracting women, but I was single from 19-24 because as I discovered myself I learned that I didn't want to waste time with people that weren't a long term match for how developed I was.

The pay off from that is now being in an extremely healthy and joyous relationship with whom I'm quite certain is my soulmate!

Learn yourself deeply, and then everything else will fall into place with time.

[Mongu9719]

@Roy I think I might go to Bhakti fest with my yoga teacher this year. He also runs a yoga studio where I could potentially meet people. Unfortunately I am India right finishing my medical degree. I do frequently go back to Orlando to see my family, so I might be able to meet someone. I know spirituality is pretty big in India, but since I grew up in the US it’s fairly difficult to relate to people here as the culture and language are different.

 

[Preety_India]

5 minutes ago, Mongu9719 said:

@Preety_India I am actually in India right now, finishing up my medical degree but im an NRI or ABCD (American born confused desi).I left 2 years ago because it was difficult for me to adjust to medical school and india. I was born and raised in Orlando, FL but my parents are Indian. They sent me to India to do medicine (against my will) after I finished high school. I’m back in India again, but I don’t exactly know how to interact with girls here, since the culture is very different. I know that they tend to be more conservative. I’ve never been into pickup and dont find the appeal. I want to be in a relationship, and I don’t want casual sex or one night stands. I know you said I should do cold approaches, but I don’t know if that will work in India. Since you are from India, and a girl, perhaps you have some input on this.

Frankly in India, cold approaching will be very difficult because our culture is not about dating and dating is frowned upon, it's more about falling in love like stage green dating. It's more emotional. 

So you'll have to be working somewhere or involved in something to bump into someone that you can have a friendship with. Usually Indian girls like guys who become great friends. Then they end up marrying them. That's how I found my second ex. He was a good friend of mine. We didn't really date. We just started liking being with each other and it proceeded to romance and relationship. 

So you can't have great luck with dating because an Indian woman is mostly uncomfortable with a stranger and would rather want her friend to make the move, now it can be her friend or someone she is acquainted with, in any case she wants someone she is familiar with. We don't really have the club dating thing.

You need more women who you can be friends with and then see if you can find a common interest and move from there. She has to like you. You have to win her heart. An Indian woman is more careful about compatibility than sex. So let's say you're sexually attractive, but she is not going to be your girlfriend only for that she would rather not. She would be glad to be your girlfriend if you get along with her because almost Indian woman is thinking of marriage and family in her mind so she is looking for the marriage material guy. 

Make her feel like you're going to be a great companion and not just a boyfriend and then she would take you seriously and want to be with you. 

Other ways are matrimonial sites but doubt you will get a girlfriend there because those are strictly marriage.. 

An Indian woman values honesty more than anything in a male. So you being completely honest with her will be a great way to win her. 

It's a lot of hard work with Indian women because they just reject a lot and can have many expectations out of a man. 

 

[Mongu9719]

@Preety_India do you think that being an NRI will be detrimental to my chances? I don’t mean to be offensive but many Indian men that I see don’t take care of their health, and they don’t wear deodorant. They also wear mismatched clothes and when hanging around them,  make very misogynistic comments. Not all of them are like this as I have a lot of Indian NRI friends who are really chill and some locals. The problems seem to from those that grow up in villages or have not been exposed to multiculturalism. In America it’s generally frowned upon to act like that, and many Indian males that come to US are considered FOBs (fresh off the boat) and it is used as a deragotory term. Over time they become more westernised however. Perhaps this is one reason that Indian women are more selective. From what I observe Indian women generally take better care of their appearance and are nicer. They probably have a difficult time dealing with these issues and thus are more cautious. 

[Preety_India]

4 minutes ago, Mongu9719 said:

@Preety_India do you think that being an NRI will be detrimental to my chances? I don’t mean to be offensive but many Indian men that I see don’t take care of their health, and they don’t wear deodorant. They also wear mismatched clothes and when hanging around them,  make very misogynistic comments. Not all of them are like this as I have a lot of Indian NRI friends who are really chill and some locals. The problems seem to from those that grow up in villages or have not been exposed to multiculturalism. In America it’s generally frowned upon to act like that, and many Indian males that come to US are considered FOBs (fresh off the boat) and it is used as a deragotory term. Over time they become more westernised however. Perhaps this is one reason that Indian women are more selective. From what I observe Indian women generally take better care of their appearance and are nicer. They probably have a difficult time dealing with these issues and thus are more cautious. 

Being an NRI will actually enhance your choices. Because an Indian woman will be more than glad to meet a guy who is open minded, let's her do what she wants, is not controlling (a typical problem in Indian males because of the male centric culture), gives her freedom, respects her choices and decisions rather than constantly trying to disagree with her, and is not misogynistic. So she will be happy to meet you. You will have better chances over the average Indian guy. 

On Indian dating sites, NRIs usually get more hits and likes as compared to the local Indian guys. 

Not only because NRIs can provide a much better lifestyle to the Indian woman than the average Indian man but also a good flourishing free environment so she doesn't feel controlled or stifled. 

You're in a much better position. 

[Pritpal Singh]

On 2/25/2020 at 10:16 PM, Preety_India said:

Approach means cold approaches as in pick up. There's tons of threads on pick up in this sub section. 

Also read online about cold approaching.. 

The success rate is low but a lot of guys get successful I guess. 

 

Thanks @Preety_India for your inputs but I was already well aware of pickup. However when i read the word "approach" in your reply i was not sure if you are referring to cold approach itself. 

Yes, over the last few years pick up has became a reality in India but still it was quite unexpected from an Indian girl to suggest it to a guy

In fact you are the first girl I have came across who is not only aware of pickup but also suggesting it. Having said that percentage of guys doing it is very low as in any other country. 

It is something that requires a lot of homework in the form of reading, practicing, self improvement, courage, mentors, coming out of comfort zone etc. even to begin the journey which is completely worth it. 

By the way I am curious to know how you came to know about it from this forum itself or from some other source?    

[Preety_India]

@Pritpal Singh from the forum. Not before that. 

 

 

[Pritpal Singh]

On 10/03/2020 at 10:46 PM, Preety_India said:

@Pritpal Singh from the forum. Not before that. 

 

 

That's awesome. In fact I too had came to know about pickup through an indian forum itself around the year 2011-12. It was pickup cum self-improvement forum. It was an ocean of gyan (knowledge). 

There were times when for me internet was synonyms to that forum. I used to turn on my computer just to read and post on it, really miss those days. It bought so many capable but suppressed individual together and today many of them are doing something beyond normal and most are successful.

[Aris]

If attraction leads someone to their desired list of compatible traits, there are often long-term relationships. Certainly, passionate flings are fun, but liads to nothing in future. I like dating sites, I met many interesting people there. I found this review https://hookupmasters.com/adult-dating-sites/flirtcom-review/ and it helped me to make the best choice, indeed.  If you want to build a longer-term relationship, however, then the list of must-have compatibility traits becomes very important too. 

Edited March 23, 2020 by Aris

[pluto]

Find out what you love to do, what brings you great joy and what you are passionate about, follow that, find yourself, find your truth and then you may find someone who is compatible to that. You will only ever find that which you are yourself. You will never meet a Queen if you are still living as a Pawn. Only a King can find a Queen because we are truly attracted and directed to each others energy/frequency not by physical things.

Looks, physical things and value are false attractions of the mind not the true self.

Edited March 23, 2020 by pluto

[electroBeam]

You need to find yourself before finding a partner. What are your values? Visions? Needs? Way you want to move the world? Do you understand your body? Your mind? Do you know how you want to live without a partner? What house you want? What state you want to live in? 

When you find yourself, you don't go looking for people, you look for how to give to the people you stumble upon. Being in the right places at the right times come naturally, as the things that stand out to you are the things that align with who you are. 

When you find yourself, you transition from a bee to a flower, a thing that gives, rather than looks. And the right people, due to the frequency you emanate, find you.