I have self-hatred due to my sexuality

[Annonymous]

I don't know what to do, I was raised in a christian household. I seem to be pansexual, but still hold my christian roots to some degree which brings self-hatred.

I'm also an 11 in numerology life path, everything in my life feels out of control. Even though it has gotten better, I don't really feel like there's even a person (me) even here for an example writing this message.

How am I supposed to move on when there's no sense of I, like no one is here. I don't know what I want, and feel kinda irritated because till I know what/who I am then I'm just wasting time. Recently many people found out about my sexuality,guess one of the people told another person til it got out to more people. I even lost one of my best friends due to my sexuality.

[Derek White]

How do you have self-hate if you don’t have a sense of self? You have a sense of self. Seems like you are very confused. Take some time to clear your mind.

Stop with the numerology BS and bust any other limiting beliefs you have including sexual ones.

[Meetjoeblack]

The hell is pansex? 

[Annonymous]

Basically bisexual but more steps. (You know that meme, because bisexual being sexually attracted to 2 genders, yes there's only 2 genders). There's masculine and feminine energies, feminine acts a certain way, and masculine acts another way. The so called other genders are just traits coming from the feminine + masculine energies mixed but different degrees.(Honestly needs a different name/term, not to be foolishly thought as more than 2 genders, genders are basically body types with there being only 2 body types designed for reproduction).

 

So by being pansexual you aren't just attracted to both genders as the term holds the meaning of, but different combined energies(feminine, masculine), or then we could go as far as to say personalities.

So as I have explained, you can just call me bisexual.

I mean I guess I have some sort of sense of "I", being that certain choices affect my body/environment(so I should be careful in what choices I make), but what I mean is I don't feel connected to really anything or anyone. Sorry for any confusion, maybe its' dissociation or extreme depression.

Main reasons for self-hatred is  being raised in a Christian household, if Christianity is correct then I will go to hell to having same sex, etc.

Other reason being that I feel like I'll be at some sort of disadvantage(basically discriminated against), and I want to do something big with my life, but being discriminated against mostly jobs could limit my success. Then more other than that, I'm trans, or let's say for weird reason I want to dress feminine(I don't understand why).

Only thing I can come up with is because when I was younger, I was sexually abused from 5 years to 13 years old, my sisters would dress me up as a woman, etc. I believe that it must be mental conditioning or something, I have hate to myself because more than just being bi no one will take me seriously if they know I'm trans, especially being trans. I have done shamanic breathing a bunch, and keep doing it, because maybe there's trauma or something. My biggest obstacle from getting enlightenment is this inner conflict within myself, also from being happy.

Edited January 31, 2020 by Annonymous

[LfcCharlie4]

Full acceptance and self love is the practices I would suggest, but it isn't always easy especially when there's a lot of self hatred and repression in the shadow. 

Also, it sounds like you may be in the stage of spirituality where you don't know yourself. This is surprisingly often a really good sign, as you're questioning who you are, it's not easy though, and the answer will only ever be found in the silence, here and now. Keep going until there is no doubt, and the absolute peace and happiness shine through your being. 

However, always remember, no matter how awakened you become you're still always the absolute having a human experience, with a human personality and human desires. Therefore, your sexuality is something you certainly need to fully accept and embrace, we are all The Self, yet on a human level there is nobody who will ever be exactly like us. The great paradox of awakening  

I'd recommend watching the show Sex Education on Netflix, there's a character Eric, who is gay but his family know but don't want to admit it in season 1 if you get me? He's also black, so I feel his dad thinks it will make it even harder for him if he is gay. It's a really moving story of struggling (his family is Christian) to accept himself for who he is, so actually going through a deep stage of repression, before fully expressing himself at the end of S1. It's also a great show in general covering lots of issues, Panseuxlaity is also covered in S2. 

I'm paraphrasing but Eric says something along the lines of 'It took me a long time to love myself, and I can't risk losing that again and being with someone who clearly doesn't accept or love themself, I'm sorry.' 

Like I said, great show and you might be able to relate to many of the issues presented

[Annonymous]

I thought about it some more and a couple of reasons I don't like my sexuality because I feel like it just make me weak somehow. I could more easily accept my sexuality then my gender dysphoria, but still would be difficult(but I have to accept both which seems near impossible). I have enjoyed my sexuality at times but self-hatred immediately comes back after triggers arise. 

I have always wanted to be a leader but I feel like to be a leader I have to somehow be straight and especially remove my gender dysphoria. Reason I have been questioning who I am so much is because I'm trying to figure out where my gender dysphoria and sexuality came from.(along where did I come from, lastly where did everything/everyone come from) 

I lost one of my best friends to my sexuality + gender dysphoria. I didn't want anyone to find out but people have more and more found out. 

I lived most of my life in dissociation/traumatic shock(I'm 19.5 years old btw) because I was sexually abused as a child most of my childhood. I later got into spirituality because of having sleep paralysis then meeting some being, a being that has showed up in my dreams ever since I was 15 years old. At times I can love myself but as soon as triggers show up I immediately began hating myself again over my sexuality + gender dysphoria. 

I eventually discovered my sexuality and gender dysphoria when I was younger as I did meditation, etc. I have also have done shamanic breathing quite a bit(helped a bunch, got me to began healing from my past to some degree) . More memories have continued to come up whether they are random or if they are traumatic. 

Edited February 4, 2020 by Annonymous

[Leo Gura]

Try self-love

Didn't Christ teach you to love? If not, WTF was he teaching you?

Why must you turn Christ into a devil?

[Annonymous]

Looking at my self-hatred there's mostly just fear. Christ taught to love, (I don't know why I turn Christ into a devil). Sorry for the late reply

[Deezeetho]

On 30/01/2020 at 2:37 PM, Annonymous said:

I don't know what to do, I was raised in a christian household. I seem to be pansexual, but still hold my christian roots to some degree which brings self-hatred.

I'm also an 11 in numerology life path, everything in my life feels out of control. Even though it has gotten better, I don't really feel like there's even a person (me) even here for an example writing this message.

How am I supposed to move on when there's no sense of I, like no one is here. I don't know what I want, and feel kinda irritated because till I know what/who I am then I'm just wasting time. Recently many people found out about my sexuality,guess one of the people told another person til it got out to more people. I even lost one of my best friends due to my sexuality.

Anonymous mate,  I have no clue about any of this. Similarly,  I am christian and raised by the following. There's a disconnect between people and dogma. There's a disconnect between God and what people do. 

I value conservative and traditional Christian values. I love women. Not in love but...  Promiscuity is hardwired in our world. The older I get, the more I understand "walking with God." I understand Sodom destruction and the flood. There's evil in the world. 

Please, check the psychological significance of the biblical series by Dr Peterson. Its unreal. There's a significant amount of self hate. Furthermore, a psychologist could help you navigate. There's cognitive dissonance between sexuality gay and what you deem as a sin or bad. 

We all sin and miss the mark. I am bombarded with sexuality, stretchy pants, girls, and a number of other things. Its not evil or bad but there's better alternative routes in life. 

Find peace brother.