The End Of Seeking

[Raptorsin7]

Today was a down day. My mood was pretty low, and i felt a background sadness and apathy throughout the day. How long will this fog last is something that's on my mind more or less all the time. And what will my life be like once this depression passes. I wonder if depression is something that should be dealt with before seeking enlightenment, but then again what i'm seeking is the happiness and peace that arises from enlightenment so it seems like the logical move. Do i need enlightenment to be happy? When i was a kid i was happy, all the way to about grade 3 i remember being a happy and productive kid.,  I was smart, effective, good at sports and school etc, i had my issues, but overall there was no blanket of grey and sadness. I notice now that this changed once i hit grade 4. For some reason ( i still don't remember when or what happened) i just regressed as a person. I started disliking school, i was not liked in class, and slowly but surely my grades and my performance in sports all started to slowly decline. I was never really happy throughout my childhood and adolesence again. I had moments of happiness and joy, i remember the first 2 weeks i played World of Warcraft being just blown away at how immersed i was in the game, but that didn't last. 

I was pretty depressed when i was 19, and it lasted a full year. The depression had a different flavor back then, i was much more hopeless back then, and the root cause seemed to be because i realized i was going to bald young like my dad. That fact crushed myself esteem, and it destroyed my motivation for school because my main motivating factor when i first started college was to become a doctor or pharmacist and get a good job, then get in shape etc so i could finally be cool, not be a loser, and finally feel good about myself and enjoy life. That depression ended with a sort of bang, where i came out of it feeling like a fucking super hero. Over the course of 2 weeks i overcame the depression through various techniques i don't even remember all the stuff i did, but i remember just gaining momentum day by day until one day i just kind of noticed i was different. I was no longer insecure about how i looked, i had way more confidence in general, and i had much more energy and vitality. I remember i got better at basketball quickly during that time, and when i listened to music it was like magic listening to certain songs. It was an incredible time in my life. I thought i had broken through to a higher state of being permanently, but the honeymoon lasted only about 1 semester worth. I didn't completely regress after that period, i managed to get my grades up and over the next few years i worked my way into law school. But the inter years were pretty forgettable. I went clubbing a lot and i knew that i wasn't happy and something was off, but i wasn't low enough where i needed to make a huge change, and i kind of kept putting it off until the future. 

There's a positive to me being in this low, depressed state again. When we reach our lowest point we are open to the greatest change. The end of this depression could kick off an incredible next chapter to my life, i've certainly set the stage for such a change to be possible. I read about the experience of some enlightened people on the forum, and it makes it seem like my post depression honey moon is nothing in comparison to what's possible. That's what gives me hope. But at the same time, if i can't even get back to that elevated state, which wasn't enlightenment, then maybe i'm seeking prematurley to get to enlightenment. Is there such thing as premature seeking? 

I wonder if these stories have any actual value. I don't feel much different while typing them, but it's not bad to just type on my couch. This is all egoic mind/thoughts. I have no problem surrendering ALL stories if it gets me to a higher place. I'm sick of seeking, and i'm ready to pay the price to evolve, even it means the death of this sense of self. 

The seeking has intensified since my first RASA which i guess is a good sign. It's too soon to tell if the RASA is going to be the savior here, but i'm planning on sticking with it for a while at least. It's my best option seeking wise right now, and if i can get the kinds of changes in experience that Ramaji mentions in his book 1000 then there will be no question that this was all worth it. Opening the heart and crown chakra like he talks about a bit in the book, would mean everything to me. My heart is almost completely closed, and i'm quite confident the one major breakthrough i had on pscyhs came from opening the crown chakra.

[Demeter]

@Raptorsin7 , I read a few pages of your journal and I feel that your inward focus alone, however laudable it is in the effort you are making, will not help your depression. Emotional engagement with something outside of yourself that interests you is what will bring passion into your life and the energy that you seek. The world is going crazy right now and you could be emotionally engaged with many issues or interests. Once you find something that engages you emotionally, get busy with it and the apathy will gradually dissipate. 

If you don't know what could interest you, put yourself out there doing some kind of service to the community. Find out about homelessness, climate change, or other social justice issues. Try volunteering with different NGOs to find out what catches your interest. It's really no point doing loving-kindness meditations unless you take on responsibilities to make the world a better place. It is important to get emotionally, physically and mentally involved with either social and political issues or find a craft that engages you. The 3 must happen in tandem and then your chakras will open. 

 

 

 

 

Edited July 14, 2020 by Demeter

[Raptorsin7]

@Demeter Thanks for the tough love man. I've always known i'm self obsesses and narcissistic, but i never really thought of that being one the main reasons why i'm so unhappy so thanks for shedding light on it.

I had the attitude that i gotta get myself right first, and then i'll go about helping others. But the truth is i'm fully capable of helping at least some people right now and i should look for somewhere to do good.

I emailed an organization that needs volunteer drivers for delivering food so hopefully that pans out. I'll keep looking for other volunteer opportunities too.

Thanks again man, appreciate it. 

[Demeter]

@Raptorsin7 , best of luck. 

Great that you've made a start. Forget your own miseries for now and keep looking for work that is worthwhile and useful. You'll find it very fulfilling.

[Raptorsin7]

Today was a low day. I went to work at the farm, but there was just a lot going on in my head and it kind of clouded the entire day. My parents really baby me, even at 24, and honestly I am complicit in the codependence. I feel weak, lazy, powerless etc and in turn my family accommodates me by giving me easy jobs at the family business. The entire complex is toxic, but I feel stuck and unmotivated to change, and my parents mean well and want me to be happy but they are kinda stuck in their ways and unless I make a change this pattern will continue. 

Even just walking up and down the rows picking weeds today I felt weak and powerless. I have this sense of hopelessness and sadness that is just in the background of experience for most of my time. One major source of the current depressive episode is regrets over dropping out of law school. When I dropped out I thought I was on the right path. I was feeling pretty good, I had the psychs, coaching etc and I thought reality would only serve to get better and better. I didn't expect to be this depressed again after making these big changes, but nevertheless i'm here. 

The regret is mainly one of self image and angst for the future. It's not that I really wanted to be a lawyer, or even really miss law school and want to go back. It's that right now i'm doing nothing, and i'm depressed. I have no career prospects and I just feel like a loser, so naturally I long for the days when at the very least I could say i'm in law school. I find myself kicking myself over not just writing the exams and giving myself more time like my family advised. It's a lot of regret, disappointment, shame. I made my bed and I have to lay in it, and all these "issues" with law school regert are simply negative thoughts that i'm focusing on the moment. No attention to them, no problem. This a clear example of how focusing on something negative in the NOW is where suffering is created. I'm aware of how these thoughts are the driver of part of my depression, but it doesn't prevent them from arising and it doesn't prevent the rumination. 

When I feel better and find some sort of relief or happiness from this suffering i'm confident that the thoughts of regret will simply pass through awareness without causing a stir, but right now they're being believed and I just have to live with it I guess. It's been humbling though going through this stage of shame and regret over how life is unfolding. I'm making an effort to kinder and more humble with my parents, I didn't expect to be home that long, but right now I don't know what i'm going to do, and any resentment or anger towards my parents just doesn't make sense and isn't serving me. No matter how much I want to look back and blame my childhood for how I ended up, at this point this my parent's have done above and beyond trying to help me get my life together, and i'm 100% responsible for how my fate turns out.

I've been thinking a lot about how i'm going to proceed with my future. I still have faith that sessions with Ramaji and awakening in general will provide the solution to the suffering and sadness that pervades my life. My problems are all self created, in their reference to the ME that is living this life, and in the continuation of focusing on thinking and believing thoughts that don't feel good. I don't know how long or what it takes to awaken to the point where you can reside in effortless thought free states of well being, or be so in tune with thinking and focus, that the only thoughts that are focused on are thoughts of what deeply desire in life, and that feel good to focus on but those two facets would effectively wipe out all of my current, narcissist suffering.

I've had thoughts of living in an ashram or monestary if all else fails. It's no doubt a form of escapism, to escape the shame/guilt/regret of not achieving the quality of life that i'd always hoped for in my typical life. But I have a lot of growing up to do as a person, and I don't know if living here in the west is the best path for me. I don't have any genuine desires, other than to find genuine happiness, and unlock a life of happiness, joy, magic, love etc. I don't know if it's destructive fantasy thinking, but I have had dreams, and direct experience, of life actually being fun and enjoyable. If I don't figure it out here, then I don't see a point in continuing the charade here. 

I'm drawn to run away from the world. Covid has been in many ways a blessing to my ego and the way i'm currently living. I don't want to do anything, and I don't really want to see anyone. At least with Covid the whole world is stuck in this predicament. But this won't last, and it's an incredible toxic mindset. To run and hide when things don't go your way is not the way to be, but at the same time many aspects of my life are not the way to be and i'm not sure what to do. 

And yet despite all this, when I look in the now... there is no problem. I don't have joy, bliss, or other high tier feelings but I can't say there is an issue. It's only when thoughts arise about future or past regrets, or thoughts about me and my life, that there is any sense of a problem. Wouldn't it be great if these kinds of thoughts just didn't arise, or if I just didn't buy into any of them. But right now I do so I guess in this quagmire i'll remain.

By any metric I have a charmed life, in comparison to most of the world. And yet i'm not happy... I wonder if we're just fucked as a species. If the world were filled with people like me as I am at this point in life, we'd all be fucked.

[Raptorsin7]

@AwakenedSoul444  The subliminals could be a good idea, I guess I could give them a shot before bed. I'm getting tired of trying all these methods and then just stopping them, I was doing self love healing affirmations over night for a week or so but I don't stick with it.

I think my current LOC is 575, I kinda forgot what Ramaji put it at haha. It makes sense that it hasn't gone up a lot since my last session, I haven't really felt any progress, except for more depression and awareness of depression causing thoughts haha if that counts.

[zeroISinfinity]

Want to hear my honest opinion @Raptorsin7. Like really honest? 

It will hurt.

Edited July 17, 2020 by zeroISinfinity

[Raptorsin7]

@zeroISinfinity Yes I do. Don't hold punches it's okay, do your worst.

[zeroISinfinity]

You need to grow up and stop being spoiled 24 years old still living with parents. It's time man. It really is.If your family gave you easiest job on farm it means 2 things or they are highly protective over you (are you lonely child?no siblings?) that will solve the mistery or your family most likely your father has zero beleif in you that you are grown adult.

Also stop chasing girls on tinder. Can explain it but just stop. Go social make friends or learn pick up. Go get girl in super market, street, park cafe, party hanging out etc. Real life stuff where you can gain skills. 

All this self pitty shit and chasing enlightenment is avoidance to grow the fuck up. 

Also drop fucking video games too. 

[zeroISinfinity]

Also about enlightenment you still have no Robustness, Strenght to actually handle it. 

Enlightenment =most difficult thing you will face and you will have to live rest of your life with that. As much as it amazing it brings most difficulties too  egoic shit can't compare. 

You are not really ready for that. 

First full development then enlightenment. 

[zeroISinfinity]

Sorry if I hurted your feelings not my intent but this is same Thing I will say to my friend of brother. 

I see your struggle but it's not because enlightenment it is because refusal to grow up nothing else. 

First master life then go into. Mysticism. 

You don't have to be awake at all to live good life. Sage level shit and not everyone is capable of it. 

[Raptorsin7]

2 hours ago, zeroISinfinity said:

You need to grow up and stop being spoiled 24 years old still living with parents. It's time man. It really is.If your family gave you easiest job on farm it means 2 things or they are highly protective over you (are you lonely child?no siblings?) that will solve the mistery or your family most likely your father has zero beleif in you that you are grown adult.

Yeah i've been realizing this a lot since i came back home. I've always been pretty immature, but i was always in school and on some path to something so i guess it was never a problem. I have one brother but yeah my parents are protective of me. Both my parents had more strict, hard upbringing so i guess they went easy on me and my brother. And yeah my dad thinks i'm useless, we have a few family business's but they never give me any real work and i guess it goes both ways, because i'm not motivated to just work hard with them and they don't mind either.

2 hours ago, zeroISinfinity said:

Also stop chasing girls on tinder. Can explain it but just stop. Go social make friends or learn pick up. Go get girl in super market, street, park cafe, party hanging out etc. Real life stuff where you can gain skills. 

I have some friends, but i don't have a real social net work to go and meet girls. Most of my friend are kinda shy, and reserved like me so there isn't a lot of out outward interactions. I'm using the apps to find a girlfriend, so if i find someone to date it could work but yeah i guess i do need to get out there and meet more people.

 

2 hours ago, zeroISinfinity said:

All this self pitty shit and chasing enlightenment is avoidance to grow the fuck up

I know i'm not grown up, i'm a weak person. But i thought this work would help me get more out myself and help me grow up. I've had a point in my life where i was down and depressed, like now, and i managed to lift myself up with a bunch of different self help stuff. It really worked, i felt way better. I thought working with Nahm and the forum etc would help with that. I don't want to be miserable spoiled brat, i expected some of this shit to actually work. I fucking dropped out of law school because i thought this would work for me, no one told me what you just said. I had 7 months worth of calls with Nahm and he didn't tell me this wouldn't work for me as long i didn't grow up. 

 

2 hours ago, zeroISinfinity said:

Also about enlightenment you still have no Robustness, Strength to actually handle it. 

I know i don't have strength. But how do i unlock strength with in. There must be a version of myself that isn't a weak depressed child, but how i do find that person? Isn't that the fucking point of this work is to get more out of yourself, and be a better person. All the things you've pointed out about are the fucking reason i came here, self help to become a better person. 

 

2 hours ago, zeroISinfinity said:

You are not really ready for that. 

First full development then enlightenment. 

Whatever i've been doing hasn't worked so far so i agree i need to change focus. I have to give Ramaji a chance for at least a few months before i give up on it, but you could be right about enlightenment not happening for me given how i currently am.

But i don't know what to do. I have no prospects, i have a pretty useless degree. 

My plan right now is this:

1. Work with Ramaji and live at home doing what i'm doing hoping the RASA and the coaching brings some progress on the path. lfccharlie and haumea are both self realized and swear by the RASA so it's the best option i have so far.

2. If that doesn't work i'm going to start seeing a therapist every week and get on anti depressants. 

3. If anti depressants don't work then i'm going to do therapy and psychedelics for the depression.

4. If all those fail then i'm probably going to join an ashram or maybe the military idk. 

The problem with my life is how unhappy i am and how disconnected i am from the world. I have no motivation, i have no desires, i have no dreams that inspire action. I thought this work would address all that. Doesn't enlightenment bring happiness?? Isn't self realization, realization of the happiness inherent in your own being?

What would you do if you were me? 

[Raptorsin7]

2 minutes ago, zeroISinfinity said:

Sorry if I hurted your feelings not my intent but this is same Thing I will say to my friend of brother. 

I see your struggle but it's not because enlightenment it is because refusal to grow up nothing else. 

First master life then go into. Mysticism. 

You don't have to be awake at all to live good life. Sage level shit and not everyone is capable of it. 

You didn't hurt anything, i'm fucking emotionally numb so what the fuck are you going to hurt. I've been trying to cry for like 5 months, and even this entire rant here has gotten like some water in the eyes but nothing.

I know you don't have to be awake to live a good life, i've overcome depression like this before and felt way better and felt like i had figured out many of my psychological issues. But i thought enlightenment work would help with all that. I changed my life in 2 weeks when i got yelled at by my dad, wouldn't it make sense that working with an enlightened guru would yield more results then some random self help work on a 19 year old depressed kid. It turns it didn't and my life is worse now than when i first came here.

I don't even know what master life means. I just want to be happy, feel good, and be motivated to live life. That's the entire reason i'm here. 

[zeroISinfinity]

1. Cut all God damn addictions. Video games and LoL throw that God damn PC out of window. 
2. Start going to gym
3. Meditation 1 hour nothing more throw all RASA BS and all spiritual crap down the toilet. Down even use psychedelics for time period until you build new life. 
4. Tell your family you want to live alone on your own. Be specific don't back off and trust me your fatger will respect you like never before
5. Find job rent room or apartment. 

[zeroISinfinity]

Very radical but you got to recover your balls. 

You live in Canada easy stuff it's not like eastern europe where everything is risky. 

It will be difficult but once you do this you will be happiest mofo ever even without RASA shit and what not. 

Edited July 17, 2020 by zeroISinfinity

[Raptorsin7]

@zeroISinfinity 

1 minute ago, zeroISinfinity said:

Cut all God damn addictions. Video games and LoL throw that God damn PC out of window. 

1. I haven't been playing Lol, and the reason i was playing was for the website idea. I don't really know what counts as addictions, i don't do drugs or drink. I guess phone and interest use are probably biggest addictions at this point.

3 minutes ago, zeroISinfinity said:

Meditation 1 hour nothing more throw all RASA BS and all spiritual crap down the toilet. Down even use psychedelics for time period until you build new life. 

You don't even understand RASA. I'm not giving up on it so easily, i let go out law school hastily and it was a huge fucking mistake. I don't do other spiritual stuff, and i haven't used psychs since working with Ramaji. 

As for psychs. Have you seen research on psychs and depression? You realize that if i'm building a new life that's the time to use them, they help with resetting your mind and giving you clarity to build new habits. I never used Psychs like leo to just hit peaks and then come down and do nothing different. I used them basically as anti depressants.

6 minutes ago, zeroISinfinity said:

Tell your family you want to live alone on your own. Be specific don't back off and trust me your fatger will respect you like never before

We were planning on getting a two bedroom apartment in city, and then me and my brother move out together and pay expenses etc. Vancouver is crazy expensive, i don't have good enough qualifications to get a job that can support rent and living etc.

 

7 minutes ago, zeroISinfinity said:

Find job rent room or apartment. 

I'm looking for a job but with Covid it's tough. I think there's going to be vaccine in January so hopefully there's more available.

If the idea is to just to throw away spoiled life and start from scratch. Why shouldn't i just move to a monastery for a few years? Wouldn't that accomplish the same thing?

[zeroISinfinity]

1 minute ago, Raptorsin7 said:

@zeroISinfinity 

1. I haven't been playing Lol, and the reason i was playing was for the website idea. I don't really know what counts as addictions, i don't do drugs or drink. I guess phone and interest use are probably biggest addictions at this point.

That's very nice. Web site stuff keep as hobby not as something so important. 

1 minute ago, Raptorsin7 said:

You don't even understand RASA. I'm not giving up on it so easily, i let go out law school hastily and it was a huge fucking mistake. I don't do other spiritual stuff, and i haven't used psychs since working with Ramaji. 

Whatever once you leave just for that transitional time period stop that. You have all time in this world for that. 

1 minute ago, Raptorsin7 said:

As for psychs. Have you seen research on psychs and depression? You realize that if i'm building a new life that's the time to use them, they help with resetting your mind and giving you clarity to build new habits. I never used Psychs like leo to just hit peaks and then come down and do nothing different. I used them basically as anti depressants.

This will be your anti depressant. When you recover actual self confidance your own responsability for yourself etc. Trust yourself for fucks sake. 

1 minute ago, Raptorsin7 said:

We were planning on getting a two bedroom apartment in city, and then me and my brother move out together and pay expenses etc. Vancouver is crazy expensive, i don't have good enough qualifications to get a job that can support rent and living etc.

No brother you alone. I am so sorry if you really want best results. You alone. 

1 minute ago, Raptorsin7 said:

 

I'm looking for a job but with Covid it's tough. I think there's going to be vaccine in January so hopefully there's more available.

Ok but start looking and plan this stuff out. 

1 minute ago, Raptorsin7 said:

If the idea is to just to throw away spoiled life and start from scratch. Why shouldn't i just move to a monastery for a few years? Wouldn't that accomplish the same thing?

Fuck monestery again self pitty shit. Now you work and build life for yourself only. Building actual skills and actual wisdom. It's time to grow up. 

Once you do this,will help you out with what next. 

Sick if seeing your god damn struggle and with anyone with 2 gram of brain it's obvious why. 

Lets turn you into a beast. 

[Raptorsin7]

10 minutes ago, zeroISinfinity said:

Very radical but you got to recover your balls. 

You live in Canada easy stuff it's not like eastern europe where everything is risky. 

It will be difficult but once you do this you will be happiest mofo ever even without RASA shit and what not. 

Do you think i have to do it all alone? Right now the plan is for family to pay for apartment, and me and my brother get jobs to pay expenses and go from there. But i've been thinking that it's still co-dependence/attachment to parents. 

I'm going to try what i'm doing for a few months, i think by January i'll be at cross roads where it's either move to monastery or just tell my parents they gotta kick me out and let me survive on my own.

Another thing. I'm pretty much done giving advice on the forum because i realize i'm a fucking idiot, and i'm in no place to give anyone advice. But make sure you have an idea of what you're saying if you're giving advice. I wish Nahm told me i was a spoiled brat who needed to move out and get hard, rather than go on fairy tale enlightenment journey for 7 months that led me to worse place than i started. Don't mislead people if you don't really know what you're talking about it, like i bet i've done a bunch here.

[zeroISinfinity]

Just now, Raptorsin7 said:

Do you think i have to do it all alone? Right now the plan is for family to pay for apartment, and me and my brother get jobs to pay expenses and go from there. But i've been thinking that it's still co-dependence/attachment to parents. 

I'm going to try what i'm doing for a few months, i think by January i'll be at cross roads where it's either move to monastery or just tell my parents they gotta kick me out and let me survive on my own.

Another thing. I'm pretty much done giving advice on the forum because i realize i'm a fucking idiot, and i'm in no place to give anyone advice. But make sure you have an idea of what you're saying if you're giving advice. I wish Nahm told me i was a spoiled brat who needed to move out and get hard, rather than go on fairy tale enlightenment journey for 7 months that led me to worse place than i started. Don't mislead people if you don't really know what you're talking about it, like i bet i've done a bunch here.

Stop with BS. Now, right fucking now. Start organizing yourself and start planning and working on that. 

[zeroISinfinity]

Don't judge @Nahm. He is actually awake and really wise and good man. It's not his fault for that. It's yours. Stop blaming anyone.

Will help you out.