The End Of Seeking

[Demeter]

@Raptorsin7 , your plan sounds good. Kudos to you for recognising that you have hidden dark places that you need to resolve.

Moving out of your parent's home would be a good start too. Perhaps your therapist could discuss that with them, in case you can't have a constructive conversation with them.

As far deep dark places, so many of us carry these. I, for example, experience the pain whenever I use psychedelics (I suffered abuse as a child and also as an adult). Yesterday, I had 1/2g of shrooms and as is often the case, I cried non-stop for about 3 hours.  At one point, the pain became so intense I wanted to hack my limbs off or to claw the flesh off my bones. I understood why people cut, because that lesser pain is a distraction from the deeper and worse pain. Then I remembered the myriad ways that people express nobility, dignity, love and hope despite the most extreme circumstances. I remembered a blind relative who's sense of humour and work ethic are an inspiration. People emerge somehow from the hellish spaces of their circumstances. Their responses are expressions of God's healing of those spaces and how grace is manifest. Instead of giving in to hopelessness or futility, I can be inspired by these people. 

 

 

 

 

Edited July 25, 2020 by Demeter

[Raptorsin7]

I feel hopeless, and it's entirely self created and self reinforced. 

I'm miserable because I see the trajectory i'm going down,(man child, entitled, spoiled, can't keep a job, work a shitty job, shame,) and i don't even have a will to change it. I know i need a normal job and i have to suck it up and move out and take the shame on the chin of being a drop out loser working a minimum wage job, but i don't want to do it. I want to change, but i don't want to suffer the necessary requirements too change.

I'm fucked. I don't think this will get better. I'm so fucking spoiled, entitled, ashamed, anti social,. I feel like an inferior human being.

I didn't see any of this coming, even though in hindsight now i can see how many life patterns have led me here i really thought i'd figure it out at some point, either in law school, after law school idk. I am so disconnected from what's actually going on in the world and with other people, i lived in my own fantasy land of my head, and now i'm reaping what was sown. 

I really wish i didn't drop out of law school now, it was such an insanely stupid decision. Right now i have 0 career prospects, I have to look for a random minimum wage job to support myself. At least if i finished law school i could use the degree to work for the government, or find some employment or something. I was completely self destructive.

I am a disturbed person, and this is not going to end well the way it's going. Spoiled, entitled. bratty adult children do not end up well, and this is textbook.

I've never been suicidal really in my life, but recently it's the closest i'm come to genuine suicidal thoughts. There really does feel like there's no point, and i'm so sensitive and fragile any negative or shameful thoughts it just sends me into a tailspin. 

It's not even real hardship either. This stuff is all a complete joke. No one would look at this and be like this guy's struggling, this is all narcissism, entitlement, fake problems. 

Man it feels like i'm in a weird nightmare, but it's not really a nightmare because my life isn't that bad, but i'm so sick of this stuff.

All my hopes are basically with prozac/lithium/wellbutrin. That's it, that's my best shot is a cocktail of antidepressants. I have no idea if it will work, do the drugs cure entitlement, narcissism, fear, shame, inability to take responsibility and action? I don't think they do that but i have nothing else.

 

 

[Zigzag Idiot]

  @Raptorsin7 I was in a similar condition 30 years ago in my late teens early twenties..It sounds like you're volunteering in some radical honesty about yourself. That's great! It can be very painful to sit with certain things we observe about ourselves but if you truly observe these things without self criticism they will dissolve. Feeling remorse can be medicine. Guilt is worse than useless and will often perpetuate unhealthy cycles. Be kind to yourself and ponder the difference between feeling remorse and feeling guilt. Hopefully, your family recognizes this newborn sincerity. If not, have trust that in time, they will. Getting creative in ways of adopting a minimalist lifestyle and avoiding debt  can prevent stress further on down the road.. Hope you don't mind my unsolicited advice. It's offered only out of goodwill and friendship and having once been in similar circumstances  Oh yeah, I almost forgot,,, fuck shame and piss all over the super-ego (the voice of the inner critic). And good luck. ?✌️?‍♂️??‍? 

[Raptorsin7]

@Zigzag Idiot Thanks I appreciate the words.

24 minutes ago, Zigzag Idiot said:

Oh yeah, I almost forgot,,, fuck shame and piss all over the super-ego (the voice of the inner critic). And good luck. ?✌️?‍♂️??‍?

Do you have any thoughts on moving past these emotions? I think i have a completely toxic relationship with my emotions and i don't express or process emotions in a healthy way. I don't how much to blame my emotional disregulation on my current problems in life, but i'm tempted to say a lot. 

I'm trying a lot at this point to work through this and become better, but idk there's a lot fucked up here and i'm honestly scared of the future and just what's in store for life.

[kagaria]

@Raptorsin7

 

I've also been through the same and Shunyamurti's guided meditations helped to put things into perspective.  I would like to advise the same thing for you ??

Edited August 1, 2020 by kagaria

[Zigzag Idiot]

 

10 minutes ago, Raptorsin7 said:

Do you have any thoughts on moving past these emotions? I think i have a completely toxic relationship with my emotions and i don't express or process emotions in a healthy way. I don't how much to blame my emotional disregulation on my current problems in life, but i'm tempted to say a lot. 

I'm trying a lot at this point to work through this and become better, but idk there's a lot fucked up here and i'm honestly scared of the future and just what's in store for life.

Learning to "sit with" uncomfortable or emotionally painful states of 'deficient emptiness' has been beneficial for me as taught in The Ridhwan Diamond Approach which has many similarities with self observation of The Fourth Way which I've also practiced.

https://www.diamondapproach.org/glossary/refinery_phrases/deficient-emptiness

Another Christian Teacher I like phrased it as learning to sit in the middle of your every-which-way-ness. Crucial also for me was to not give voice to negative emotions. Don't repress them but allow yourself to feel them fully just don't speak them. As in complaining when you know ahead of time, it will do no good. When we speak them, if you notice, they get traction and gain momentum. I noticed with myself a loss of life force or chi energy if I let go with a bunch of word vomit. This loss of energy persisted for the rest of the day and until I was able to go through some R.E.M. and normal deep sleep cycle. To hold one's tongue and not give voice can be a terribly difficult thing to do but with practice it gets more doable and one can then recognize the benefit to one's emotional stability as well as our energy levels.

There is most always the pendulum effect in regard to emotions. Remember ahead of time that things will look different in a day or two whether one is on a bit of a high or feeling a terrible low.

[Arcangelo]

Hell yeah! Go to the farm and grow some weed there. Great plan Rap!

19 hours ago, Raptorsin7 said:

I think i have a completely toxic relationship with my emotions

 

[Raptorsin7]

Still stuck at constant low, depressed state.

Constant thoughts about re-current topics. Regret and longing about the law school experience and dropping out. Worry that i'll be stuck in this limbo state for the rest of my life. Shame and embarrassment about seeing people in the world, and admitting to my failures and inadequacies. Worry that i'll be a man child for ever, shame around being a man child right now.

I have had a few dreams this week about law school, and they have been a constant them of regret about dropping out, and a desire to experience the fullness of what could have been offered by the experience. 

I want to bury my head in the sand and just retreat from society, it's basically what i'm doing now tbh. My life and my mind have become completely toxic.

My days are pretty much the same, wake up lay in bed and feel comfort and feel shame/regert over how my life is, then i go to the farm and do minimal work and just read my book or listen to podcasts, and i've been a lot of junk food and i'm pretty sure i'm type 2 diabetic right now because i feel tingling in my feet, and then i come home and just go right to bed. 

The shadow of entitlement, intimacy issues, dependence, being stuck in my comfort zone, arrogance, poor discipline, irresponsibility are coming out. 

I have no idea how this is going to get better. 

A guy in my law school said i'm the laziest person he ever met, he was right. 

I'm pretty sure  I have boarder line personality disorder. When i was talking to my mom about getting a job, i almost got insanely mad because she was disagreeing with me. My mom does everything for me, and i'm completely ungrateful and i'm still a spoiled brat. You would think with my life being so shit and me being aware of it that i would be humbled, but i'm not. I'm still entitled and spoiled.

These problems are so deeply rooted. How is RASA, energy healing, therapy, psychiatraic meds, psychidelics etc how does that solve this? 

But all these problems are due to emotional repression? Lol that's what I think, i'm just hoping for a miracle. 

I always thought things would work out, i always believed that my life would work out. For some people life doesn't work out, there are millions if not billions of people in the world and their lives will not work out and life just goes on with or without people being happy. 

This is the first time in my life i've had genuine suicidal thoughts. I've heard suicide is the cowards way out, and i think there's truth to it. It's easier to commit suicide then suffer and deal with the pain and resistance of changing. 

My parents try and they love me, but i ended up rotten. The other day i was thinking how much a relief it would be if my dad and uncle died so i could inherit the money and just buy a house somewhere in the middle of no where and just retire and live out my days. My parents gave me every chance to succeed and this is how I think about them. 

This is dark. And it's not even that dark because it's all created inside my delusional mind. 

I don't even know how you deal with this. 10 years of therapy? Mushroom trips every week? 

 

[Arcangelo]

27 minutes ago, Raptorsin7 said:

Shame and embarrassment about seeing people in the world, and admitting to my failures and inadequacies.

Yeah I remember this, meeting with random ex-classmates and them telling me they already graduated and me telling them that I found a job at McDonald's.

I remember being so embarrassed about about my life that I didn't go to my primary school reunion when we were all 30yo.

Hey can't  you just go back to school ant take it easy like one course at a time instead of following the full program?

 

You will snap out of this shit bro you got this.

[Raptorsin7]

@Arcangelo I don't think going back will solve anything. I'm also ashamed to go back.

Yeah shame is a big part of my identity too.

Law school is done for me, but I the loathing, regret, shame will probably be around for a while 

[Raptorsin7]

I've reached out to a psycho-analyst today hopefully he has time to see me. 

So the hope for my life in the near future (next few years) is to work full time at the farm, move out and start supporting myself (but even supporting myself is going to be with family money so idk if this counts), and just go to therapy, maybe 12 step meetings, and try and sort my head out and find a path to happiness. 

This feels like a bad dream and i really just want to wake up. 

I want to just move to the middle of no where and i want everyone to forget i exist. I feel worthless and ashamed. I actually don't think i feel this stuff. I'm just thinking about how worthless I feel. I fee just a tension/constriction and then various thoughts just produce different subtle feelings, like shame, regret, worthlessness.

 

[zeroISinfinity]

 

 

 

 

I will tell you how it was for me. 

Was 20 years old 2nd year on college. Left home only in what I was wearing. Didn't had a dime. Will not go into details how I left home what was going on. But it was agreed didn't escaped. 

So I borrowed my first money from Grandma to rent room. It was the cheapest one. 

My classes lasted from 7 to 13 and my job in some  warehouse(low payed physical job) was from 14 to 22.

On weekends was hanging out with friends parties what not  and always had girlfriend.

[zeroISinfinity]

Felt so awesome even tho I was poorest dude ever. Didn't had anything. 

Free and happy af + had to learn  to fully take care of my life + healed from codependency stockholm syndrome  took about 6 months. 

[Raptorsin7]

@zeroISinfinity I'm hoping to get that from working on the farm. I can rent a place pretty close and work there full time, and use free time to address the issues of the mind.

I can get a salary, and start fresh in the city near the farm. 

If i work full time at the farm at least i have a real job, and can develop some independence to find a girlfriend and live in the community. I think i'm going to do a 12 step program too.

My biggest co-dependence is with my mom. She's the one who did everything growing up, i think that's where my weakness comes from because i never had to do anything, everywhere was taken care of. 

My dad will give me a salary after like a year of working, and then it's up to me to not go to parents for anything. Farm work is pretty good, complete isolation.

[Raptorsin7]

@zeroISinfinity is probably right about co-dependence. My parents treat me like a child, and i act like a child so we both satisfy our roles. 

My inability to take responsibility, immaturity, childishness, poor dating skills, poor social skills etc all this stuff comes from being a child on the inside. I look like a man, but inside i act and feel like a scared kid. 

My dad looks at me like a little kid, but I think he will let me work with him at the farm. But is this going to solve the issue? I don't know. Part of me thinks this is just another way to remain co-dependent, i will still be little kid with his dad at work. 24 year old child working with daddy. 

It sounds grown up, oh i'm going to work at the farm and be a farmer. Great fantasy in my mind about this work for sure. But would i just be same old kid just doing chores at the farm. Right now when i work there it's not even real work, me and my brother just drive berries to the cannery and sit around waiting for the rows to be cleared by the machine. Today i did more work than usual and it's just terrible, i'm phyiscally and mentally weak and i struggle with basic physical tasks.

But on the other hand. I could learn how to actually farm, and develop skills necessary to be a good farmer. If therapy, meds, RASA, energy healing etc if any of that stuff has positive effect, then it could improve my energy, character, mindset etc that will allow me to work harder and be a better employee at the farm. My dad looks at me like a child, but if i work hard and focus on doing well, then i could earn his respect and be viewed as a good worker. I could actually earn my salary, and develop as a person working on the farm. 

But it feels like avoidance. Like if my dad says you can work at the farm, but i'm not getting real wage and i'm staying at home then i don't know what else to do. Obvious answer is just get job at mcdonalds or a warehouse and work tons of hours to move out, but i just won't do it. I know myself, I literally would do anything to avoid working shit job to survive. I'm entitled, arrogant, child, with false self image, i won't/can't do it. Sad thing is that suicide is easier than being forced to work low end jobs to survive, that's how pathetic of a person I am, i might be more likely to commit suicide then take responsibility for my life and do what's necessary to break co-dependence.

Ha, i had so much hope that my life would turn around from this place and the path. I can fantasize so easily about the good life, where i'm happy and life is good. I got the truth about myself though no doubt. This stuff coming out now has been there my whole life, it's the dark side of who I am. 

My problems are a complete joke compared to the world too. People in Hong Kong are getting put in jail for life for standing up for their future civilization, and i'm crying about dropping out of law school, getting a job, and being a miserable spoiled man child. 

I always wanted to be a great person, like Keira Yammato. I wanted to be smart, disciplined, impressive, creative, capable, excellent, talented, impactful. Growing up i always wanted that, i always thought that was coming for me. I actually tasted it once before after my last depressive episode, there were a few weeks there where i felt genuinely self actualized and fully capable and powerful. 

The truth is that it may not happen for me in this life. I may be like this for the rest of my life. This may be it for me. 

I wonder what people reading think haha, this has to be the most pathetic journal on the forum hands down. Most of them must know that there's nothing they can say that will help me. Learned helplessness and victim mindset is an inside job, if the person isn't actively trying to improve and change their stars than there's nothing that can be done. I've been walloing in the abyss of my own misery for months now, don't see it changing anytime soon.

[Raptorsin7]

I had a dream I was at some complex and I was hanging out with some friends.

I saw a friend from law school and he looked sad seeing me and tried to avoid seeing me. I then saw a bigger group of my classmates working on something and I was envious and tried to avoid them.

The dream also included some sexual stuff about a friend from high schools mom and my brother which was weird. 

The regret and shame from dropping out is so much. It comes and goes, but when it comes it just lingers on my mind.

That's not even the worst of it. I'm still codependen, a man child, and I dont have the will or desire to my radical changes necessary.

I spoke to a psycho analyst, and his rate is 4 sessions per week at 200 dollars per session..Its insanely expensive. When I told my mom she said just do it, she just wants me to get better and not kill myself. But I honestly don't know if this will work, I spoke to him about the issue of codependence and he said moving out is an important step but I have virtually no prospects and no job experience

? pretty much sums it up. I just have this blank stare most days.

[Raptorsin7]

Co-dependence and not growing up have been plaguing my mind. This seems to be the core of my psychological suffering right now.

I would be so ashamed of working at mcdonalds and telling people i know that i dropped out of law school to work minimum wage jobs and be a loser. 

But this is my situation. I think back to when i was in college and kids around me were working volunteering etc. I was focused on school and i thought i would be okay. I didn't think i was that far off from being a happy adult, but i'm not even close. I am so far behind other people my age in the basics of life it's terrible.

I want to scream and throw a tantrum, that's my response. It's pathetic. 

I just looked up the military requirements. I wouldn't even pass the basic entrance requirements. 

I'm having a nervous breakdown but i can't let any of it out. Thinking back through school, virtually no kids were as weird as I was. I think defective humans like me will become more common in the future, but for now it's going to be rare. 

Oh my god. I'm defective.

I really want to cry but i can't. 

[zeroISinfinity]

11 hours ago, Raptorsin7 said:

Co-dependence and not growing up have been plaguing my mind. This seems to be the core of my psychological suffering right now.

It's not. Problem is your mind. It's indentified with body and for body survival in those conditions parents are marked as most important. They provide home, food etc. 

Your selfish mind works against you. So remove everything that mind is attached to. It's painful no worries. 

11 hours ago, Raptorsin7 said:

I would be so ashamed of working at mcdonalds and telling people i know that i dropped out of law school to work minimum wage jobs and be a loser. 

Why? It's time to hit your nose to ground. Those peeps also work at McD so why are you better then them.Also McD worker has same value as Donald Trump. Why is Donald Trump better. You know they all take a dump. 

11 hours ago, Raptorsin7 said:

But this is my situation. I think back to when i was in college and kids around me were working volunteering etc. I was focused on school and i thought i would be okay. I didn't think i was that far off from being a happy adult, but i'm not even close. I am so far behind other people my age in the basics of life it's terrible.

Yes that's true but ya know you got this. Actual facing your issues and solving them. 

11 hours ago, Raptorsin7 said:

I want to scream and throw a tantrum, that's my response. It's pathetic. 

Well scream. It's fucking awesome. I roar you know. 

11 hours ago, Raptorsin7 said:

I just looked up the military requirements. I wouldn't even pass the basic entrance requirements. 

Really, why? 

11 hours ago, Raptorsin7 said:

I'm having a nervous breakdown but i can't let any of it out. Thinking back through school, virtually no kids were as weird as I was. I think defective humans like me will become more common in the future, but for now it's going to be rare. 

You are nit defective. All your stuff is normal.We all gone through that. 

11 hours ago, Raptorsin7 said:

Oh my god. I'm defective.

I really want to cry but i can't. 

Oh give me a fucking break. 

[Arcangelo]

13 hours ago, Raptorsin7 said:

I would be so ashamed of working at mcdonalds and telling people i know that i dropped out of law school to work minimum wage jobs and be a loser. 

Hehe you are living living my life hahahah!

This is what happens with guys like us. Kidults. We have someone to call.

''If this shit falls who could I call? Nobody fool all I got is myself dawg, so I hustle hard....''

 

My shovel is my dignity. You have no idea how hard I am working nowadays Rap.

[Zigzag Idiot]

Take a deep breath and hang tough everybody. 

I remember a time that I openly engaged in some self criticism and I'll be damned if it didn't incite a pile on. 

The old saying - When it rains it pours,,,,,