howdoistopobsessing

Is it possible to be happy and stop caring about (wanting) female intimacy?

11 posts in this topic

I don't have any (for free) right now (see my last post) and I feel like the only way to solve my OCD problem is if there's a sure way to live happily without intimacy in case it never happens to me.

Edited by howdoistopobsessing

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Rest assured my friend, it is possible. I myself have for some reason had tremendous difficulties with intimate connections myself, which resulted in the fact that apart from prostitutes, I've really only experienced only one natural(-ish) sexual encounter so far in my life. Until about two years prior to now, I had very much the idea stuck in my head that "I need to go through sex to go beyond it", which implied in my mind that Iit was necessary that in my life I needed to have sex. Though something in me felt that this wasn't really true, I've had tremendous difficulty of letting this idea go— Until the last two years, in where I've started to understand through my own experience that letting go does not require an experience prior to it. Letting go started happening to me, much of it through the means of energetical discharge. It's just that you're not at the level on development yet where you're really able to fully grasp and embody this Truth through your own experience.

So the direct answer is no, you don't need it. Having female intimacy is not a requirement for awakening. You can be a celibate and become awakened, though there is no need to deliberately choose to be a celibate or to give credit to the philosophy of celibacy. You could say that so far I have pretty much been a celibate as far as female intimacy is concerned at least, but this is not by conscious choice but because I'm still not ready and detached enough to engage in sexual intimacy. However, this is fine right now to me though, as I am however able to detach myself from the attachment of the need to have sexual intercourse. But I am not against sex; it just hasn't happened to me yet as I am not ready.

So just know that sex is not a requirement for happiness or awakening. However, it will probably require a bit of effort from your side for your ego-structure to be eroded away enough that you can come to a space where you are truly able to let go. Until then, I would recommend to either try really hard to become intimate with women (I would recommend the RSD/Real Social Dynamics branche for this), or to try hard to let go of your attachment to needing to be intimate, or both in alternating fashion. Of course, trying to let go isn't truly letting go to your fullest capacity (as the do-er is still present), but it will erode away what Adyashanti calls the "personal will", and eventually you will be able to pull out the deepest roots of your attachments; whether you decide to go chase after women or not.

I say all of this because it has been my personal experience, but feel free to doubt me and take your own path seperate from the advice or siggestions that I have given you if that feels to be more appropriate to you.

I wish you all the best on your journey,

Skanzi.

Edited by Skanzi

My characteristical traits are largely represented by the archetype of an owl. I'm in love with the owl. The owl is the bird of wisdom. The owl is the night warrior. The owl is the light in the night. The owl is the bringer of death and resurrection.

"The Bat that flits at close of Eve, has left the Brain that won’t Believe.
The Owl that calls upon the Night, Speaks the Unbelievers fright" - William Blake

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There is always someone out there for everyone. You just have to put yourself out there more. Shop at different stores, eat a different places, do different things. You will be surprised how many more you start meeting with just that. If you start adding hobbies and stuff finding them gets easier and easier. 

Is it possible to live life with out them? Yes. While you are younger the urge is much stronger to find a partner as your brain was designed to do that. Once you get older I assume it just gets easier to not have one around. It really just depends on how much you work on yourself to be alone.

Start doing some weights. Start eating better. Start talking to women a bit. Even just smiling, waving, saying hi etc. You will be shocked at how much your confidence will raise. Once they start noticing that they will be all over you. Just confidence will do it really.

But work on yourself. If you are needy, then don't expect to have any luck. Work on getting yourself into a great spot and you will be fine. 

Saying it won't happen is a bad mind set. It will happen if you want it to.  

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isnt meeting women the best way to solve your ocd? you will have a real challenge and a real reward

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22 minutes ago, howdoistopobsessing said:

@TheSomeBody  it is but I'm too terrified to try to kiss anyone.

You are never going to develop emotional maturity without facing your fear. That is what this whole thing called life is about.

If you cannot face your fear of kissing a girl and her rejecting you -- that is much easier than transcending sexual craving and loneliness together, which requires awakening, which requires facing death.

The mistake here is that you think you can avoid a small fear by facing a giant fear. But if you cannot face the small one how are you ever gonna face the gaint one?

The solution here is to bite the bullet and go kiss some girls. It's not as bad as your mind paints it to be.


"Be melting snow. Wash yourself of yourself." -- Rumi

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50 minutes ago, howdoistopobsessing said:

@TheSomeBody  it is but I'm too terrified to try to kiss anyone.

I was going to make my own elaborate reply about how you have the inherent capacity of courage within you and what not, but I think Leo has already said sufficiently enough as my replacement I suppose :D

For real my friend, you have this capacity of courage already within you. If you say that you are too terrified you are just investing in an illusory belief that you can't do it, whilst you CAN. If you keep repeating to yourself that you can't do it, in a sense through the effect of a self-fulfilling prophecy you won't be able to do it, no. Then it will in a sense become a (relative) truth.

But still I say that you have the courage, but do you have the willingness? To have the courage isn't a choice because you have it, But will you CHOOSE to do it? Do you have the willingness to act upon the courage that is inherently within you?

Edited by Skanzi

My characteristical traits are largely represented by the archetype of an owl. I'm in love with the owl. The owl is the bird of wisdom. The owl is the night warrior. The owl is the light in the night. The owl is the bringer of death and resurrection.

"The Bat that flits at close of Eve, has left the Brain that won’t Believe.
The Owl that calls upon the Night, Speaks the Unbelievers fright" - William Blake

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While it may not be realistically possible for straight males with high sex drives to stop wanting to experience physical intimacy with women we find desirable:

It is possible for us to stop caring about wanting intimacy. 

I think that it is pointless to argue about whether or not sex or other forms of physical intimacy are a genuine human need or just a want, because it varies by individual and one's perspective on it can be changed. You undoubtedly would feel much happier if you see lack of intimacy as no big deal rather than something you desperately need and are starving for. And I would also caution against thinking in extremes, like believing you will never kiss, cuddle, fuck..., or that you absolutely must get to do those things.

Admit that you have these unsatisfied desires, but without constructing an identity around that acknowledgement. This would help you stop obsessing over it, and let go of fear, both the fear of experiencing intimacy and not experiencing it. Genuine non-neediness (not suppressing emotions) is a win-win. Because you can be relaxed around women since you're not angling to get something from them, making you automatically more likable, but you are still in a good mood even if interactions don't go well.

 

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13 hours ago, howdoistopobsessing said:

@TheSomeBody  it is but I'm too terrified to try to kiss anyone.

 i think kissing a girl is much easyer than to become a fucking buddha , also for becoming one you need to drop lots of your fear so you will be able to kiss a girl before you get rid of your sexual urges.

get a coach or a psycologist to help you with it, much easyer and faster , and will take you couple of monthes than couple of decades

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Would you feel less terrified if the girl took the lead and kissed you? That's pretty much how I lost my kissginity. It was NYE 2000, she was 16, hammered on Hooch (vodka lemonade) and pretty much forced herself on me. 

Drunk bimbos aside, if you want to develop confidence with women, I'd suggest starting with actions that are within and/or on the edge of what feels comfortable. I suppose a person might work up to it in steps over time, like:

Messaging, meeting and talking, holding hands, cuddling, a peck on the cheek, a lingering peck on the lips, french kissing.

One thing I've found useful is to slowly practice telling the girl how you feel and letting her know up-front if you're nervous or inexperienced. Most women are very understanding and might even offer to help you overcome your fear. You might find out that she has fears too.

I'm not saying you have to do any of this though. Do what feels right to you.

Edited by Dan502

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@Dan502 I would absolutely feel less terrified! About your next point, that reminds me of something called DiCarlo's escalation ladder. How do I put myself in a drunk girl situation? Should I go to a bar after midnight? Clubs aren't good for me unless women don't mind earplugs because I have hearing over-sensitivity.

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