An uncommitted relationship.

[assx95]

When i think of my future, i envision her as my partner with a kid. And all loving moments we could share. I've been on dates with her, and told her about my feelings for her, even joked about having kids with her, and her response : she'll sometimes play along but mostly she'll say she's not sure of it. She's going through a quarter life crisis, feeling lonely and is on a solo trip to the mountains to discover herself. 

She hasn't responded directly about what she feels for me but would have deep conversations about everything. 

1. Leo speaks of detachment, but i am not sure what it would really mean, in this case or any? Does it mean, i don't contact her and leave her be and be okay with it? Do i try or do i not try? I'm making this a "should" or "must", when i shouldn't. Oh, the irony!. 

2. In the absence of the self, and with that follows the lack of an authentic self, wouldn't the will of the no-self be whatever it feels it should say, in exactly the same way ? Even though in the end, it could work exactly the opposite, in that it leads me away from her, while i was thinking that every step was a step closer to her. 

I don't understand. Could someone shine some light on me? 

 

[JustThinkingAloud]

At this moment, she doesn’t know what she wants so you either try to forget her or wait for her to decide. Is she worth the pain? Is she love of your life? If not, focus on her faults and you might be able to forget her and move on.

[assx95]

@JustThinkingAloud Patience it is, then. Thanks for your reply. 

[DrewNows]

@assx95 some questions you could ask yourself/reflect on: (nothings personal)  

why do you need her to tell you how she feels about you? Are you insecure? 

Are you so caught up in sharing your feelings that you are unable to simply be present with her? Does she open up to you? 

Why are you so caught up in thinking about a possible future with her if it’s right now that really matters? 

is everything happening on her terms? If so, how does this reflect on your self respec? 

Whats the purpose of being detached from outcome? What kind of person would be this way? Can you objectively see the dynamic of the relationships as it is right now? 

 

Edited August 5, 2019 by DrewNows

[Hello from Russia]

 

 

 

 

5 hours ago, JustThinkingAloud said:

focus on her faults and you might be able to forget her and move on.

 Nice forgetting technique I should say

[assx95]

@DrewNows

26 minutes ago, DrewNows said:

why do you need her to tell you how she feels about you? Are you insecure? 

It's an expectation that i haven't questioned until now. It makes me vulnerable cause on a certain level, i've already committed to her, Yes, it makes me insecure about my position in her life. It does feel like a wave of uncertainty where the odds are stacked against me. 

26 minutes ago, DrewNows said:

Are you so caught up in sharing your feelings that you are unable to simply be present with her? Does she open up to you? 

She lives far away from where I live. Haven't met her in the last 6 months. I haven't been with her for a long while. And now I doubt where these feelings that conjure up are worth anything. Yes, she does open up to me, but i am unable to judge the extent of her openness, cause i am too blinded by all feelings. 

26 minutes ago, DrewNows said:

Why are you so caught up in thinking about a possible future with her if it’s right now that really matters? 

I'm scared that if i don't think about her, i would forget her. And i don't want to forget her, she's beautiful and i don't think i've met someone like her, just the way she is. Also, i am scared that being here right now, in the moment would mean forgetting her. 

26 minutes ago, DrewNows said:

is everything happening on her terms? If so, how does this reflect on your self respec? 

1. Yes, everything does happen on her terms.
2. It does reflect badly on my self-respect, majorly that I don't have any boundaries, and she could get away with treating me like anything, i think i am that way, cause i am too scared of losing her for there is no one like her in all exactness. 

26 minutes ago, DrewNows said:

Whats the purpose of being detached from outcome? What kind of person would be this way? Can you objectively see the dynamic of the relationships as it is right now? 

1. I don't know, all i have registered is that it is attractive to the opposite sex.
2.  A person who has options, or a person who doesn't find her special, or a person who is wise enough to see where it ultimately leads to.
3. She could make or break it, nothing is in my control. 

[DrewNows]

5 minutes ago, assx95 said:

It's an expectation that i haven't questioned until now. It makes me vulnerable cause on a certain level, i've already committed to her, Yes, it makes me insecure about my position in her life. It does feel like a wave of uncertainty where the odds are stacked against me. 

Are you in a long distance relationship with her? Or are you friends? 

9 minutes ago, assx95 said:

I'm scared that if i don't think about her, i would forget her. And i don't want to forget her, she's beautiful and i don't think i've met someone like her, just the way she is. Also, i am scared that being here right now, in the moment would mean forgetting her. 

What if you could either have her or have yourself? Not both. Would you choose yourself over her? 

11 minutes ago, assx95 said:

1. Yes, everything does happen on her terms.
2. It does reflect badly on my self-respect, majorly that I don't have any boundaries, and she could get away with treating me like anything, i think i am that way, cause i am too scared of losing her for there is no one like her in all exactness. 

Humans will subconsciously mirror and behave a certain way simply based off how the other person is holding themselves to be, in their own eyes. When you treat others like they belong on a pedestal they start to look down on you and lose respect. 

15 minutes ago, assx95 said:

1. I don't know, all i have registered is that it is attractive to the opposite sex.
2.  A person who has options, or a person who doesn't find her special, or a person who is wise enough to see where it ultimately leads to.
3. She could make or break it, nothing is in my control. 

You need more contemplation my friend. Whatever I share still has to be self realized for you to embody it.

What sort of attitude is reflected in someone who’s detached? (Indifference) (unneedy)(high self-respect)(confidence) 3. You seek control out of fear you are powerless over her, this will always be the case in every relationship, control is illusory. So what happens if you show up as the man who truly loves himself? How would you feel, and what might you do differently? Would there be any question on whether or not you can trust yourself, your thoughts, your feelings? Would you feel more grounded? You can start to notice the place in which your thoughts are arising from, fear or love? This is all you can do, continue to learn grow and love yourself. You can ask yourself am I showing up just as fear, or do I recognize fear is only a small aspect, a limited version, of who I AM as a whole. Your true self will allow fear to happen but not allow it to consume your identity  

meditate and belly breathing, you are not your thoughts, not your fear 

 

[Natasha]

@assx95 Look up Attachment styles, yours is definitely Anxious-Preoccupied. You want to work towards Secure.

Usually Anxious style people attract Avoidant/Dismissive kind. If you want to attract someone with Secure attachment style to have a healthy happy relationship with, you'd need to become Secure yourself first.

Here's the 3 charts basically explaining the same thing.

[assx95]

@Natasha OMG. You are pointing towards the right thing. 
I am the preoccupied- anxious and she is indeed the dismissive- avoidant.

Also, i was the ambivalent/Resistant child, my mother told me that the first day she dropped me at kindergarten, i wouldn't move from the door, and stayed in one place until she arrived a few hours later. 

 

[assx95]

@DrewNows

39 minutes ago, DrewNows said:

Are you in a long distance relationship with her? Or are you friends? 

Friends. 

40 minutes ago, DrewNows said:

What if you could either have her or have yourself? Not both. Would you choose yourself over her? 

I wouldn't choose myself over her. But i don't know what would mean, in both theory and in reality. 

And yeah, i need to contemplate more. Thanks for your input. 

[Natasha]

@assx95 Now knowing this you can start working towards developing more Secure attachment, so you can start attracting people with like Secure attachment. This is a highly subconscious stuff, so it might take some research and time to cultivate and adopt the new to you mentality.

Briana MacWilliam is my favorite expert on Attachment Styles. She has good YT videos explaining all this and how to develop a more Secure attachment. Check it out.

[DrewNows]

@assx95 your welcome man, if you’re interested in “self-healing” I recommend the holistic psychologist on YouTube and Instagram. Here’s one of her videos 

 

[assx95]

@Natasha Thanks Natasha. 

[Martin123]

@assx95 If she's dismissive avoidant and you're anxious this video might just save your relationship.

 

[assx95]

@Martin123 I can only see your timely post as the infinite love of the universe. Many thanks Martin and the lady herself, ultimately thanking the universe, which is not different than what I really am, it's like a bending backwards kind of a mindfuck which is : I post on a forum created by myself about my failing relationship with myself, and then i comment on how I can save it, and i have already created a video which explains how i could, just might save it. 

 

[Martin123]

@assx95 I appreciate that... but you can also give the credit fully to me and the channel and give yourself a break and permission to be finite  . 

[assx95]

@Martin123 Lol. Sure. 

[DrewNows]

Wow just realized I’ve been the dismissive avoidant ?

i actually switched from fearful avoidant to dismissive avoidant, in my previous relationships 

@Martin123 @Natasha thanks a million for sharing the info. and video, feels really good being able to acknowledge what holds me back 

Edited August 5, 2019 by DrewNows

[Natasha]

19 minutes ago, DrewNows said:

@Martin123 @Natasha thanks a million for sharing the info. and video, feels really good being able to acknowledge what holds me back 

You're welcome, knowledge is power

[DrewNows]

41 minutes ago, Natasha said:

You're welcome, knowledge is power

Indeed and truth can be painful