Going through the spiral

[Raphael]

@RendHeaven Thanks 

[Raphael]

Questions on Being Very Skinny

Hey there,

I have some questions about being skinny.

I'm a very skinny and tall person and I have been very skinny my entire life. Gyms got closed recently in my country because of Covid and because of that I exercised less regularly and less intensely during the past two months. I also started to eat a bit less recently because I felt that I was eating more than I needed. However, I don't undereat, I eat moderately, I eat what I feel I need. As a consequence of that, I lost some weight. I'm now at 112 lbs for 6 ft (51 kg for 183 cm) which gives me a BMI of 15.2, before I was at 121 lbs for 6 ft (55 kg for 183 cm) with a BMI of 16.4. According to the BMI, I am severely underweight, however, I feel great overall, but maybe just a bit weaker.

I enjoy being skinny, it just feels great to be thin and light. Also, when I look at myself in the mirror, I found myself good-looking. I don't feel the need to put 20 - 40 more pounds on my body, I enjoy having a skinny body. I also don't feel hunger, I'm conscious that this is weird to say that but I very rarely felt hunger in my entire life, this an almost unknown sensation for me.

Many people have made fun of me for being so skinny in my life and I even had people coming to me to ask me if it was normal or if I was anorexic which is not the case. I very rarely undereat and very rarely overate in my life, it has always being a struggle to gain weight for me even when I would eat more than other people around me. I did gain weight while going to the gym in the past, but never a huge amount. Finally, I started to resonate less and less with the need to go to the gym and to build big muscles. Even if gyms re-open in the future I'm wondering if I'll get back to it or just continue doing some moderate bodyweight workouts at home, which is what I'm currently doing.

Is it normal to be so skinny? Should I eat more? Should I continue to exercise with heavyweights like when I was going to the gym? Do I have risks regarding my health?

 

[Raphael]

I always hated corporate culture. Putting a costar, working a dead-end job, and pretending to be happy always felt so fucking fake to me.

 

[Raphael]

About Recent Events in The Community

I want to share some thoughts about Leo, Actualized.org, and the recent suicide of a member of this forum.

About Leo, his Rhetoric, and Empathy

The first time that I discovered actualized.org I was blown away by how much I resonated with Leo. It was the first time that I resonated that much with someone. I resonated with everything: the ideas, the way he articulates things, the arrogance, etc. I thought: "Finally a no BS guy. Finally someone who cares about the truth, who is willing to dive deep, and who says things how they are even if people don't like it". I especially liked the direct and blunt approach on some videos. It was for the videos from 2014 to 2017, the style has evolved since then.

He was like my clone. When you discover someone that is basically your clone you become a bit obsessed with him, but also at the same time this person reveals flaws that are most of the time very difficult to acknowledge without having an outside look on yourself. I only met a few individuals like this in my life and Leo is one of them.

With some introspection this year I became aware of another reason why I resonated so much with Leo: he talks like my dad used to talk to me (especially on the forum). I have been annoyed most of my life by how emotional people would get when I would be radically honest and say radical trues. People always looked so dumb to me that I avoided most of them to focus only on me which resulted in me not having any friends, being socially awkward, and not caring about what I would say.

The reason why I didn't care at all about the words that I would use with people was that I've been talked down so much that I became emotionally numb to abusive language, especially during late middle school, high school. It caused me an inability to use language properly with people because I would just say what I got. It would cause frictions in social relationships and because of that, I would isolate (they were also other reasons, not only the language but just the fact that I never highly resonated with most people around stage blue/orange). However, I would still live in a society and at one point I would have to interact with a group. When it happened, I started to have so many emotional reactions against my blunt rhetoric (and not only that but just the tone of my voice. I noticed that people are actually more reactive to the tone than the language itself because the tone reflects how we feel and people want to be around people who feel good) that I started to understand that something was wrong. Yes, I lacked empathy many times in my life, I saw people as dumb, irresponsible, and incompetent exactly like Leo. I saw words like "Please" and "Thank you" as useless, I saw kindness as a weakness because I was overly logical and lacked love. I've put myself on a pedestal, but at the same time, I was sad because nobody would relate to me. If these painful relationships and strong emotional reactions against my language helped me in some way is to become more authentic and to bring back the empathy that I lost after being so much verbally abused. I became aware that most people aren't overly logical and cannot handle directness, but I also became aware that I lost a part of myself a long time ago. I remember being hypersensitive as a kid and crying more easily than other boys, I then lost this hypersensitivity because it was too overwhelming and choose to repress emotions, I'm now connecting back to this hypersensitivity and expressing emotions again.

What helped me in bringing back empathy to my life was to remind myself of being talked down to and of being disrespected, and to feel the pain that I felt and at the same time to feel the pain that others feel. I think that empathy needs to be more cultivated on this forum.

Many times we don't realize when we are in pain and we don't know that we cause our own pain. Many times we are stuck in strange loops of our bodies and our minds.

If you highly resonate with Leo, I'm suggesting you to analyze the relationship that you have with him. This relationship might be a bit more traumatic than you think it is.

About Actualized.org Spiral Development

There has been a huge evolution of Actualized.org level of consciousness. It started with stage Orange and progressively moved to Green, Yellow, and now Turquoise. However, even if the material is very advanced I feel that there is a lot of stage orange on this forum especially in the dating subforum... and it makes perfect sense.

Some of the most popular videos are videos from 6 - 7 years ago and some of these videos are videos about relationships like: "How To Make A Girl Squirt - Give Your Girl An Explosive Orgasm", "How To Make A Girl Fall In Love With You - What Girls Really Want", "What Women Want In A Man - 5 Factors That Hook Women Like Crack", "How To Have Amazing Sex (For Women) - Drive Your Man Wild In Bed", "How To Be Attractive - The Ultimate Attraction Strategy", etc. My intuition is telling me here that even if these videos are old they are still getting a lot of views compared to recent videos because everyone is so obsessed with sex. I remember the video "How To Make A Girl Squirt - Give Your Girl An Explosive Orgasm" having 1M views a few years ago, but now has more than 2.2M views. It means that it received more than 200K views in a few years which is a lot of views compared to recent videos. My intuition is also telling me that as there is some stage Orange in these videos, a certain number of people who watch them want to learn more and therefore join this forum mostly in the hope of getting advice to get laid. I think that people who watch these videos are mostly inexperienced or people who want some advice but also include a subgroup of desperate virgins who are mostly men because Leo is a man and often has a very masculine approach which they relate to. This makes the dating subforum particularly low conscious. Also, Leo is a very sexual person and often makes references to sex and people sometimes take that literally, copy him because he has a lot of influence, and therefore contributes to low consciousness.

The previous point now brings me to spirituality. I feel that there is a stage Orange approach to spirituality in this community and that Leo has a stage Orange mindset towards spirituality. I don't read the Meditation, Consciousness, Enlightenment, Spirituality subforum that much because I'm more concerned about basic stuff, but I sense some competition here. I remember people comparing how enlightened they are in the past. Competition can be healthy in some situations but doesn't apply to enlightenment because enlightenment is deeply personal. I see this issue with young people around my age. If you are around my age (or younger), here's my advice: there is no need to compete for enlightenment, having a basic foundation is more important. I think that the balance for young people should be around 70% basic stuff, 30% spiritual work. Spiritual work is important, but diving into it too early causes issues because it doesn't have a solid base, yet it can help with building the foundation if targeted properly on specific issues. There is no need to go deep for someone who doesn't even have a proper base in life, there's no need to do long meditation retreats, psychedelics, or similar things, yet a bit of spirituality is healthy (a bit of meditation, a bit of introspection, some shadow work, etc.) and brings balance to the process which is why I consider the 70/30 ratio as ideal.

There is a lot of stage Orange here, stage Orange hiding behind other MEMEs, stage Orange competing to be seen as Green, or Yellow, or Turquoise. I'm not immune to that, I also did it to some degree to be honest, but it's important to be aware of it.

About Actualized.org Clips

Leo recently created a new channel called Actualized.org Clips which contains small segments of his long videos. My opinion on that is mixed. On one hand, I think that it's great to open Actualized.org more because it has the potential to help a lot of people, but on the other hand, the fact that the teachings are now so advanced makes them difficult to understand for beginners. I personally didn't know about spirituality when I discovered Actualized.org, however, the videos weren't as advanced as they are now, and because of that, I was able to follow through. Nevertheless, I acknowledge that I did create some beliefs in the past, so I still need to be careful here.

About Newcomers

I think that there should be a system in place to handle beginners, something like a warning at the beginning of the videos (for both Actualized.org and Actualized.org Clips channels) or a link that would point to a video (or a set of videos) specially designed for beginners so that they don't go down the wrong path. Also if moderators could welcome new members and ask them a few questions to understand where they are in life, it could guide them and help to maintain a healthy community.

Finally, an effort needs to be made from Leo and moderators to make the advice more nuanced rather than saying things like: "You are god!", "Life doesn't matter", etc. because people can take things too literally. This is what I think happened with the recent suicide, the member got brainwashed from interacting with the community to the point where he thought that suicide doesn't matter because everything is imaginary and can be a proper way to enlightenment.

About Responsibility

The original response to the suicide really felt like a stage Orange company that declines all responsibilities. Like a tobacco company that claims to not be responsible for causing cancer to countless people. Sure, the material is completely different and is way more healthy than what does a tobacco company, but the way of handling responsibility is exactly the same.

I think that Leo has some stage Orange shadows in him. When there is an exchange between two people responsibility is always shared, no one has 100% responsibility where at the same time the other person has 0% responsibility. How Leo communicates the material is important, how he communicates on the forum is important because he has a lot of influence and many people can take him literally. That's the problem with all religions, people get brainwashed, and that's what is happening here too. "God" isn't God, but just a pointer. Saying "You are God" isn't being God. I'm personally aware that I have the belief that I am God, I sure experienced some awakenings in the past, but for the moment the fact that I am God is only a belief because I didn't fully verify it. I'm just a believer of Leo here, it's important to be conscious of that. Even if it has been said many times that Actualized.org is not an ideology some people are getting brainwashed anyway and are confusing the map for the territory.

To end up, I don't consider that the suicide is mostly Leo's fault, yet he does have some responsibility.

[Raphael]

It's incredible how much people are afraid of dogs around me. Many people have dogs but at the same time, they are deeply afraid of them. Many people get paralyzed as soon as they see a dog, they get stuck and cannot move anymore. I also had people throwing rocks or takings sticks as soon as they would see my dogs, some of them did that even when they were leashed. This is ridiculous.

There's a general lack of self-esteem in the population, the self-esteem is overall very low, many people live in deep fear.

Edited May 31, 2021 by Raphael

[Raphael]

Grandma state is degrading day after day. She cannot see, cannot hear properly, cannot interpret things correctly, and have difficulties moving. She doesn't know how to take a shower anymore, she has difficulties eating by herself and going to the toilet by herself. I'm wondering how much time is left... it's probably just a question of months now, it will surely not last more than a year to this point.

It's in this kind of situation that mahasamadhi is useful. It's probably the most beautiful way to end life after having lived it to the fullest.

[Raphael]

This country is way too limited for personal development, I'll probably move out at a point but I will have to find a way to handle my family situation.

[Raphael]

This forum has some of the most inspiring people that I saw in my entire life and at the same time some of the most depressed people that I saw and who need the most help.

[Raphael]

Gen Z should be called the stay at home gen.

[Raphael]

Failures of Gen Z

I'm thinking a bit about where we are going to fail as a generation. Probably when it comes to the integration of previous stages... at a point, many people will realize something like "yeah... my parents were rights afterall (on some stuff)".

Wikipedia has a great article on Gen Z: https://www.wikiwand.com/en/Generation_Z 

And this article looks good too: https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2020/05/14/on-the-cusp-of-adulthood-and-facing-an-uncertain-future-what-we-know-about-gen-z-so-far-2/ but I'll read that later.

I think that these points will be recurrent issues within my generation:

• Social media addiction.
• Movies, TV Shows, and video game addictions.
• ADHD.
• Sleeping difficulties.
• Lack of discipline and organization.
• Too low emphasis on the power of individual actions and blaming everything on the external environment. Actually, this is the same thing here, this too low emphasis on individual actions is caused by the environment that many people from Gen Z grew up in. Some people are too spoiled and this is not a healthy environment. To create a healthy environment parent need to create calibrated challenges for kids. A too comfortable environment can even lead to narcissism.

Later generations will be built on top of these issues and will correct them as Gen Z is currently addressing issues caused by previous generations.

Edited June 1, 2021 by Raphael

[Raphael]

Calm down mind, calm down.

[Raphael]

You prevented me to sleep for two days now. You're such a savage beast, mind. Calm down mind, calm down. It's gonna be ok.

[Raphael]

3 days without sleep. Just because my mind is crazy all day and all night. Even when I feel exhausted and have an headache because of lack of sleep, I still can't sleep because my mind is too crazy.

[Raphael]

I really envy these people who can quickly fall as sleep and who have deep profound sleep.

Insomnia is one of the most difficult condition someone can have.

[Raphael]

 

[Raphael]

Shadow Sensemaking

These videos have sexy stage Yellow titles, but I don't know if I'll ever have the time to watch them.

 

[Raphael]

I think that these small posts with a few lines are just a survival strategy that I developt to avoid digging deep into myself.

Edited June 4, 2021 by Raphael

[Raphael]

I have so much things going on in my mind. I maybe should try writing bigger posts more regularly, however, my issue is that I don't have that much time to journal everyday. Maybe I could try one very big deep post per week.

I see that some people journal in order to empty their mind. It could maybe work for me too if I find enough time.

[Raphael]

 

[Raphael]

Personal Masculine / Feminine Balance

I took this test and got a brain that is 58% masculine / 42% feminine. I remember taking it previously and getting 50% masculine / 50% feminine. Even though I think the quality of the questions is pretty low, the results relate to how I feel. I also took this other test and got a similar result.

This makes perfect sense. I never really felt hypermasculine nor hyperfeminine, I don't relate a lot with people who are on the extremes. I think that I'm most of the time balanced with a slight preference for masculinity, however, it varied multiple times during my life. I had periods where I felt very creative, artistic (right brain) and periods where I felt very logical, analytical (left brain). It can be a bit difficult to handle and can feel like two people fighting for control on how to approach life, but even though this is challenging I consider this balance as a strenght.

Overall I feel less masculine and more sensitive than most men and at the same time less feminine and more emotionless than most women.