Please Suggest a Solution

[Vagos]

This is going to be long (it unfortunately has to be) and thank you very much in advance if you read it. I feel like I've hit rock bottom and would like things to change fast and put an end to my mental illness. I seek your help, literally any suggestions are welcome.

Here's my story:

I'm 29, self employed online, polyamorous, and I've struggled with panic attacks for the past 6 years of my life. The whole situation is based on a fear of physical illness or a fear of death. In the beginning (first 2 years) I was persuading myself I had all sort of possible medical problems, cancers, MS, etc and was going from doctor to doctor having all sorts of tests. Every test came out clean. The past 4 years though this fear has centered around my heart. This has the problem become self-referring since my fear is actually the panic attack itself. I am worried that I am going to have a panic attack that is going to result in my heart failing or a fatal arrhythmia. Moreover, every time I have a panic attack I also connect the place/activity that I had it in with a very negative connotation and am afraid to go there or do that again. So I basically build trauma on the panic attacks themselves. Sometimes I have managed to heal that by being exposed again to that location or that thing but other times it hasn't gone that well. This problem is butchering my entire life in many different ways. Hobbies, relationships, social life, dignity

My relationship with spirituality:

I value spirituality very high in my life and I believe that it is my life purpose. I immensely enjoy teaching people about nonduality, alternative ways of thinking, oneness, helping people that have mental problems, helping people self develop and reach higher levels of understanding reality. I am very pro-psychedelic and have also written a small book on these tools and also made presentations about them in psychology meetings. I am mainly in stage turqoise of spiral dynamics with some yellow in there as well bu t I am not enlightened by any stretch of the word. I have a very well founded, really concrete academical understanding of nonduality, what God is, holistic thinking, integrating systems into other systems, fractal perception and various mapping models of the human psyche but I have never experienced God, I have had only brief half ass enlightenment experiences and have never merged with Absolute Infinity. The concepts above make perfect sense to me on an academic, logical level (even though logic self-undoes itself eventually) and I see how every approach on every subject eventually leads towards nonduality but I have never had a first hand experience. I have guilted myself over the quote "who doesn't do, teaches" but since a lot of people are helped by this I have decided to continue teaching and grounding people that have had a spiritual experience through psychedelics or other means, help them integrate it, tripsit others with love and respect, and help people heal by reconstructing concepts in their way of perception. People in my social circle think I'm really smart, fun to be around, easy-going, good-looking and helpful but all this doesn't make me happy, not while I have my mental illness.

What I know:

I know that my mental illness has at least somewhat to do with my mother. First, she has an immense fear of illnesses and death herself and thus it is very likely that I copied that behavior when I was little (mommy doesn't trust her body, we shouldn't trust our bodies), secondly when I was little she kept freaking out when I was sick with the flu and was always trying to somehow protect my health, and thirdly (and most importantly) I have many times heard her say things like "You're the only thing that matters to me" or "I would die if you died" etc, which on a subconscious level makes me feel very guilty towards death and feel I have to be extremely cautious with preserving my life.
The other thing I know is that my situation also has to do with suppressed feelings. I always found it difficult to be emotional, back in time I even found it weak (I was a positivist crusader of logic back then). What has me thinking this is a major cause of my issues is one time during meditation I started crying a lot and taking all my feelings out and after that it was like my anxiety never even existed, never felt that before under any other circumstances. So emotional blockage definitely has to do with it somehow.

What I've tried already:

Psychedelics: Only small dosages, in the beginning it was fine but after 3-4 trips I started having horrific experiences thinking that I'm dying of a heart issue and getting extremely anxious of doing something in public that would ridicule me. I absolutely love them but haven't touched them in a year. The worst day of my life was on psychedelics where I literally had a 12 hour panic attack.
Traditional medication: Currently on ssri (zoloft), it was great in the beginning but it started losing potency, doubled the dose, now starting to lose potency again. Xanax only during attacks, it's very addictive and I don't wanna take it often.
CBD and THC: CBD is very mild, THC gives me attacks same as psychedelics if not worse.
Other tinctures and herbs: Lavender doesn't work, saffron works amazingly but I can't take it for too long because it causes some blood deficiencies.
Psychotherapy: Been to various psychiatrists, none of them helped. I currently started psychoanalysis with a trusted individual that is also an anarchist and very well educated on the subject.
Meditation: Works a little bit but doesn't really solve the problem.
Hypnotherapy: I couldn't go into trance very easily, I was only in there for 10 minutes. Very calm afterwards but only lasted for a day or two.
Accupuncture: Didn't work at all
Running: Works a lot but I'm afraid to run because it makes my heart beat fast and it freaks me out.

If you reached here THANK YOU VERY VERY MUCH for reading and trying to help! Any suggestions would be very welcome and also feel free to pm me. 
Peace

[tsuki]

1 hour ago, Vagos said:

The other thing I know is that my situation also has to do with suppressed feelings. I always found it difficult to be emotional, back in time I even found it weak (I was a positivist crusader of logic back then). What has me thinking this is a major cause of my issues is one time during meditation I started crying a lot and taking all my feelings out and after that it was like my anxiety never even existed, never felt that before under any other circumstances. So emotional blockage definitely has to do with it somehow.

It seems from this paragraph like you know the answer to your problems, but are unwilling to explore it for some reason.
If you're sure that you've done everything you can to rule our medical issues, then maybe it is some psychological trauma you're yet to process?
My wife has similar issues throughout her body and had emotional releases from Reichian therapy. Practices regarding emotional mastery can be helpful too, I've heard that Bryon Katie's "The Work" is very good. There are people out there that claim to be enlightened just by doing her practices.

Good luck man.

Edited May 23, 2019 by tsuki

[Nahm]

@Vagos Who would you be, what would you do, if you never recreated this perspective again? 

Would you be able to sit for a few days and stay out of such thought stories about who you are, and stay with the sensations as you’re purified?

Would you be willing to surrender all of your victim identity (thought stories)?

You knew this would be said, exactly like this, no?

[Vagos]

Just now, Nahm said:

@Vagos Who would you be, what would you do, if you never recreated this perspective again? 

Would you be able to sit for a few days and stay out of such thought stories about who you are, and stay with the sensations as you’re purified?

Would you be willing to surrender all of your victim identity (thought stories)?

You knew this would be said, exactly like this, no?

Thanks for your answer. I'm not sure if I understand you but if this was never recreated I would be a much happier person, travelling a lot more, being more able to focus on healing others, starting sports that I now can't do and probably picking up other hobbies too.

I am 100% willing to surrender victim identity. I have a lot of self confidence and I never felt I was a victim ever in my life really. Your suggestion is interesting though, so what you're saying if I'm not mistaken is that I need these thought stories to self identify?

[Nahm]

@Vagos I’m saying that you are recreating what ails you. You are doing it. No one else is involved. You can become aware of how you’re doing this. You think from a perspective, and it does not feel good. But rather than just listening to the message “that does not feel good because it’s not true”....you proceed and continue thinking that perspective. Essentially, you are living life conceptually, through thought stories. You could say, The Joyful Life, is FULL of emotion, and little to no thinking, certainly no overthinking / anxiety / etc. So listen to your emotions. Reconnect with them. You’ll likely barf up a purge of emotions while Big Love purifies you, but then you’ll actually be conscious and alive, and you’ll know it. 

[ajasatya]

@Vagos When your heart beats fast, do you feel pain or just fear of pain/death?

[Devi Shanti]

I had panic attacks in the past too. Definetelly, running helped me A LOT to deal with the symptoms. Dude, if you are not someone with high colesterol disorder and you dont have any heart disease, you wont die from running.

Another thing that helped me truly was supplementing fundamental nutrients for the nervous system. I took magnesium, omega 3, 6 and 9 and vitamins of B complex. I also took valeriana capsules. Help your body to help you! 

And I took part in several ayahuasca ceremonies. It wasnt easy to me, because I was affraid of the effects of the tea. But facing your fear is a real key to shift this mental prison. You have to trust you will overcome it and then you will be stronger and you will be able to tell your story to help someone, such as I am doing it right now. Even if you cannot see how, just be sure you can do it. Embody this belief and portals will open to you.

I wish you victory. 

[Vagos]

Just now, ajasatya said:

@Vagos When your heart beats fast, do you feel pain or just fear of pain/death?

Fear of death

[ajasatya]

54 minutes ago, Vagos said:

Fear of death

Then I'd recommend that you develop an intimate relationship with your heart beats. Go slowly, reaching new limits and becoming aware of how you feel. Build your ground step-by-step until you're able to appreciate and actually enjoy the feeling of your heart beats. Hatha Yoga is great because it's also a physical exercise and there's a lot of concentration involved... the perfect moment to connect to how the body works.

More things could be said on how you think of yourself and the beliefs/concepts that you hold about spirituality, but that's not a priority for now. Feel free to ask further questions if you need.

[AnTe]

msg me, I can prob help you as I've been working on emotional intelligence for a long time now. I also manged to process and put my past behind me for most part. 

[Vagos]

Just now, Devi Shanti said:

I had panic attacks in the past too. Definetelly, running helped me A LOT to deal with the symptoms. Dude, if you are not someone with high colesterol disorder and you dont have any heart disease, you wont die from running.

Another thing that helped me truly was supplementing fundamental nutrients for the nervous system. I took magnesium, omega 3, 6 and 9 and vitamins of B complex. I also took valeriana capsules. Help your body to help you! 

And I took part in several ayahuasca ceremonies. It wasnt easy to me, because I was affraid of the effects of the tea. But facing your fear is a real key to shift this mental prison. You have to trust you will overcome it and then you will be stronger and you will be able to tell your story to help someone, such as I am doing it right now. Even if you cannot see how, just be sure you can do it. Embody this belief and portals will open to you.

I wish you victory. 

This has been very supportive, thank you very much! <3

Just now, ajasatya said:

Then I'd recommend that you develop an intimate relationship with your heart beats. Go slowly, reaching new limits and becoming aware of how you feel. Build your ground step-by-step until you're able to appreciate and actually enjoy the feeling of your heart beats. Hatha Yoga is great because it's also a physical exercise and there's a lot of concentration involved... the perfect moment to connect to how the body works.

More things could be said on how you think of yourself and the beliefs/concepts that you hold about spirituality, but that's not a priority for now. Feel free to ask further questions if you need.

Yoga is a huge chapter that I haven't really touched yet. It's definitely in my plans for the future, not necessarily as a solution to this problem but also as a means of further personal development. Thank you for your recommendations! <3