Annoyed when people invite me to do things with them

[Raphael]

I don't like when people ask me to do things outside school/work with them. The typical scenario is the following: I'm with another person or in a group at school/work, I enjoy my time with them and they also enjoy it. Then, someone asks if I want to join them one day for an activity and I'm like: "Nooooooooooooooooo!!!!"
 

I have some social anxiety, and yes these propositions are opportunities for growth. However, it's not hugely handicapping me in my daily life. It's OK at work, I don't have any difficulties to say when I don't agree on some things and I'm really proactive. But, I don't really like to share my personal life.
 

I don't like when my days of solitude are taken, I always feel I have better things to do when I'm alone by myself. I see these people almost everyday day, so why not having some days off? I feel freer when I'm alone. When we invite me I feel like someone catches me by force and that it's not OK to say refuse.

[universe]

Yes, you can hurt people if you straight out refuse this request.

Its normal to meet people outside of work/school. To deepen your friendship. If you are not into that, either tell them directly or what I would do is tell them that you dont have time on that day. Dont tell them you meet other people, just say you are busy. Or say you dont like the specific thing they want to do.

Either way, they will feel a bit like you dont love them no more  (some do, some dont)

Show them you love them so they can be comfortable again.

[Forestluv]

@Raphael I would trust your underlying feelings. If you genuinely want to solitary time, go for it. I'm more introverted and I often tell people "no thanks". One can do it gracefully like "I appreciate the invite, yet I won't be able to". People don't get offended when I phrase it lightly and after a while, stop asking.

For some things, there is more of an obligation and I have to weigh the pros and cons. For example, if my co-workers are going out for drinks after work, it's easy for me to say "no, thanks". Yet if a close friend invited me to her wedding, that would be a different situation. I would likely be somewhat uncomfortable, yet I would go because I value our friendship and it would be a very important event for her.

[Raphael]

I still feel like there's a little of social anxiety going on inside me.

@Serotoninluv 

What if the same person asks for it multiple times? I think of one person who seems to be interesting and could become a great friend, however, I always feel like I need to focus on myself and be alone.

[Forestluv]

3 hours ago, Raphael said:

 

@Serotoninluv 

What if the same person asks for it multiple times? I think of one person who seems to be interesting and could become a great friend, however, I always feel like I need to focus on myself and be alone.

Yea, I think I've had similar feelings. Part of me wants to hang out with them, another wants to be alone. Is there a middle ground. Perhaps do something simple for an hour or so and still have time to be alone?

I found doses of social interactions can be beneficial. If I focus too much on myself and spend too much time alone, I can start to get into my own little world. Sometimes some limited social interaction is healthy for me (even if it also feels uncomfortable). I also learned I need to set up boundaries without over-doing it. One of my concerns is that if I hang out with someone, there will be a bunch of expectations and I will be obligated to spend more time with them and I will lose my independence and alone time. Like what if this new friend starts texting me each day and wants to get together a lot, chat on the phone, etc? I had to learn how to have limited social contact and set up boundaries without being a jerk about it.

[thesmileyone]

You can choose to say no. To close off. To end up with no friends at all. Then a few years later, the idea of making any, because you are not used to any, gives you panic attacks.

I did this.

Would I do it again? (It's been a decade).

Yes and no. Yes because it makes you make friends with yourself.

No because...it means you have no friends. Are friends important? Do you require friends to live? NOPE.

But would I recommend it? NOPE either.

[Raphael]

8 hours ago, Serotoninluv said:

One of my concerns is that if I hang out with someone, there will be a bunch of expectations and I will be obligated to spend more time with them and I will lose my independence and alone time. Like what if this new friend starts texting me each day and wants to get together a lot, chat on the phone, etc? I had to learn how to have limited social contact and set up boundaries without being a jerk about it.

 

I also have this concern. How do you handle it?

7 hours ago, thesmileyone said:

You can choose to say no. To close off. To end up with no friends at all. Then a few years later, the idea of making any, because you are not used to any, gives you panic attacks.

2

I literally never had close friends during my entire life because I was so shy and introverted in the past. I would qualify most people I had social interaction with as acquaintances, and some of them friends. Outside of school/work, I had very few times where I would hang out with other people

(These quotes boxes are really terrible)

Edited April 11, 2019 by Raphael
Fixing boxes

[studentofthegame]

It could be some social anxiety.

I have some myself. In my case it's not as simple as 'i'm anxious to go out'. It's unpredictable. I can go to a festival for 5 days, I can go away for a weekend. Then last week, I spent two nights away and felt anxious for a full day afterwards. Part of it may be tiredness. I am in my 30's and the need for a proper night's sleep has crept in. Otherwise the door is open to anxiety and a cloudy head. And on this occasion my sleep wasn't great.

I also need routine and structure to function well (although this is another can of worms for another thread). 

I also experience some of this annoyance when asked to join in with an activity or a trip somewhere, if it's spontaneous or last minute. I think it's because I usually want to do it, but I am in conflict with it because it's going to disrupt my routine and structure. I also have some people-pleaser tendencies, and often say 'yes' by reflex, without thinking it through.

For me, going forwards, I'm going to look at saying yes to things that fit in with free time in my week, and no to things that disrupt it. Simple as that.

 

Edited April 17, 2019 by studentofthegame

[JohnnyBravo]

Well just say no to them!

How hard is that?

You see them all day and you are friends. And you want your solitude time. Then just say no!

After a while they will stop inviting you to things and you will get the balance you desire.

Dont worry about consequences. If you want your alone time then have it. You dont need permission from me or anyone else. If you want to not hang out with them outside school THEN FINE!

But.......if you are secretly socially anxious and very scared. Then face your fears.

But if you sincerely want alone time then tell them to fuck off.