kieranperez

Relating to Egoic Reactions & Self-Deceptions

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I’ve been doing a lot of self-observation these last few weeks and what I’m really confused with is where to take this next. I’m starting to get to the point where I’m much more mindful of my egoic reactions but I don’t know how to properly relate to them and be authentic. 

So for example, I’ll be walking and maybe I trip up over something, I’ll notice a sensation of embarrassment in my chest and will notice I’ll have a self-concern if anybody was nearby to see if I looked stupid and in case anyone laughed or is judging me. I’ll be conscious of that reaction. I’ll notice where my mind goes and so on. However, I don’t really know how truly be honest and authentic when these things start to arise such that I can start to breakdown these patterns, my fixed sense of self, my fixed self-image, manipulation etc. 

Dropping these tendencies of mind/self are very confusing because I’m watching and observing myself but I don’t know where to take this. 

I am noticing there a greater need to be honest though which is becoming very apparent. The more I observe myself the more I realize just the magnitude of which I’m exaggerate, lie, withold, am phony, etc. to the point where that need is starting to become apparent even in my dreams.

What are some good principles to empower this? I’m using a very specific day-day example intentionally because it’s the simple day-day stuff where the progress and momentum is made and that’s also where I get unclear. 

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@kieranperezCool man this has been my daily “practice” too for some time. I think people often use mindfulness incorrectly by identifying as the awareness of these behaviors (and thus judging themselves and others, mentally forcing changes, and creating more projection and manipulation) 

So this may be where your confusion is being created. Instead of mentally assessing yourself through mindfulness, see if you can simply put all attention on yourself  without expectations or anything. This is where you will begin to have many insights and start to create space free from any mental identification. This offers authenticity 

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Express it. You've already concluded that you can't suppress it, that doesn't work. But you can find an expression for what comes up, share it openly with your environment and that will be transformational.

The example of walking by yourself and tripping: maybe you can shout at someone: "You didn't see that!:D"

I have practiced this in a relationship for a long time, which helped me a lot. Every time I would detect that I subtly manipulated the situation, I would talk about it. "Babe, I have to admit that I just said X because well I meant it but also I was hoping a little bit that it would cause you to do Y"

But also outside of a relationship, you can express these egoic tendencies to friends and strangers. It's very healing.

"Man, I feel weird being the first one here"

"Actually, I'm lying, I think your idea is awesome, I just wanted to play it cool, ha ha"

"No, I'm trying to listen but man this isn't really my cup of tea. Can we talk about me again ha ha"

You can express anything honestly if you use humor.

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Now that you have been observing the self what comes next in how to relate to it is to stop believing it. Those thoughts, emotions, concepts and motivations which rise up in us..... cease to endorse them.

When we agree with what the subconscious produces we only empower it to be 'real' to us, to become our self identity. So from the perspective of pure awareness just allow them to come and go without any reaction to them.

The ceasing to believe in what rises from the subconscious will break down the patterns and sense of fixed self which will allows us to create another pattern and sense of self that we see fit even one wants to attempt to empty it of all content.

 


Being present is the infinite embrace of absolute unity.

If you meet Buddha on the internet, troll them.

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Posted (edited)

Recently I have been practicing to observe the emotional reactions though  I haven't been labeling them or judging them.

I think , I would like to call these reactions as just primal reactions. I am not really conscious of them if I don't deliberately decide to do so. But I am realizing more and more that it's making me much more connected to myself.

I'll describe the way I do it here ,I am interested in knowing what you guys think of it.

For example , I noticed having emotional reactions every time  I see a hot girl walking into my field of vision, sometimes when i examine those reactions I get insights about myself, sometimes for eg I'd notice , how on seeing a hot girl I would feel , I will "get" something from her, as if my body is viewing that person standing there as a source of validation, then I'd say hmm ... interesting what really making me feel so at this moment , I'd realize that maybe that time I am tired and feeling lonely, or Maybe hurt due to some other reason ( and subconsciously expecting that random beautiful stranger to give me some validation as it would be healing) ... I'd realize that's also making me afraid to approach her because I am scared of getting hurt if she rejects my approach.....so in this way I am able to "see" my approach anxiety and what's causing it directly in my experience. I can see that in this moment I am  validation seeking and the reason is that I am feeling lonely or hurt , realising this makes me take a decision involving my emotional self . 

I might dive in and inquire deeper to see the reason I am feeling hurt or lonely, I'd then resolve it if possible then and there , eg if I am feeling lonely then I can first feel that loneliness in my body ,accept that experience happening then I will tell myself you're feeling lonely right now because you had not been connecting with people lately, well here's an opportunity  for you go on, maybe who knows she's feeling lonely too , doing this, putting conscious light on my problems and having dealing with them myself before approaching would make me feel much less needy and less anxious and increase my chances of getting better results.

 

Practicing this kind of observation then inquiry on them,  is proving to be quite healing for me right now

 

 

Edited by Sauvik

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