No mental space/ motivation to read

[clouffy]

So anxious and depressed all the time. so many paradoxes, mind tangles, catch-22s. Sometimes i think that (or my ego thinks that) "if you fail at this area of life, you sure don't have space/ do not deserve space" to read books/ study outside of work....

i like to read books, but sometimes i get so anxious and depressed from dealing with that other area of life...but the anxiety and worry from that area of life is SO DAMN CANCEROUS now i cannot enjoy learning extra material/ do extra-curricula stuff.

And this has lasted for sometime, and it just keeps snowballing, and now i really am debilitated (though i've seen leo's video on taking full responsibility for whatever happens to you)...I hate myself for being so unconscious.

yet when i open a book, all i can see is dread and words and my lost "mental powers"...i used to be able to assimilate knowledge really fast and efficiently (maybe i was quite smart) but now i am like a piece of useless shit

damn it.

[ajasatya]

@clouffy how is your meditation practice? can you post your daily schedule?

[clouffy]

@ajasatya i just meditate casually, but now i think i need to do it more consistently

[clouffy]

@omTom not much , actually

[Zigzag Idiot]

Maurice Nicoll was brilliant and articulate yet often expressed an ability to be very lighthearted and spontaneous.

Nicoll psychological commentaries page 683.

Have you got sufficient inner observation? Have you cleared and well dug a big space in your mind through the practice of inner attention and put a hedge round it and a gate so that you can hear the click of the gate and watch this darling little thought coming up the drive all ready to say: “Oh, how tired I am,” etc.? I fancy that once we let it in very far every thought gets hold of us and wrings us, takes our blood, makes us react, talk, behave, in a certain way, and then, satisfied with having dined off us, it retires for a time.

[KyleR]

Man feel for you, easier said than done, I obviously don’t know your circumstances but we’ve all been through and are dealing with our own shit. First I recommend reading something because it’s enjoyable for YOU. No pressure to learn anything coz you might feel like you have to. Get yourself lost in some fictional book, or something that’ll trigger better thoughts. Also using phrases and words like ‘I hate myself’ will just keep you in that negative cycle, do you use affirmations? They’re so powerful but will take time and may feel like nothings happening at first, but seems you could do with some rewiring and eliminate some shit that’s clouding your mind. Your circumstances are the result of your actions and your actions are triggered by your thoughts, change your thoughts and your life will get better. It also helps to exercise consistently, eat well, meditate, time in nature, start new hobbies or do more of existing ones, surround yourself with positive influences etc. Whatever you’re going through now won’t last unless you let it, you have the power to choose how you want to live at any moment but it takes practice and persistence.

[Aquarius]

You're so harsh with yourself... Don't worry about your thoughts. Remember why you're doing all of this. Just open the book and read it. Even if you cannot concentrate at first. Practice makes perfect.