Gladius

The Dark Knight Rises

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I had already visited a couple therapist in my life, but I gave up because I had the feeling I was oversmarting them. This time, after talking to a friend, I chose one of the best in my area. It's expensive but it was worth every cent. We really got along, she was warm and understanding. Next week we'll try EMDR therapy. Let's see if I can finally get rid of my old toxic behaviour patterns.

At the same time, I took some days off my meditation habit to see how it feels.

PS. It's a bit embarrassing to admit this... But I just started smoking. It feels good this point of "rebellion" I never had. I assume it's part of the process and huge backlash of this week. 

Next week I'll be back to "hard journaling", since it was really keeping me on track.

Edited by Gladius

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Interesting that you have taken up smoking, good that you recognise it's chasing a rebelliousness that you might feel you missed out on. Be watchful of the process.

I stopped smoking in 2010 and then started vaping in 2017. Ridiculous, I never missed smoking, so to take on another nictotine addiction 7 years later is wreckless. I think I was also looking for the rebellious buzz. I aim to stop vaping this year.

 

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@studentofthegame I don't plan getting addicted to smoking either. I had an "emotionally hectic" week and smoking was a new way of coping with that, but I don't feel the urge of doing it again. Vaping sounds like a good substitute for that though.

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After my second therapy session, I'm confident it is worth investing this time and money in myself. I had some juicy insights, which can redefine my believes system for the better. Even though I'm not sure EMDR will work on me, the value of connecting to my therapist and letting her be part of my healthy inner dialogue is priceless. I'll keep going once a week for the time being.

One of my aha moments involve my father, who made huge efforts (unconsciously) to stop me from succeeding more than him. It's a bitter pill to swallow, but being aware of that that helps me to take action.

I'll be back to daily meditation, NoFap, and phone usage restrictions.

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I can now say EMDR is real. I experienced emotions I had forgotten, and started laughing as soon as I took care my inner child. Besides, I can feel how stablishing a genuine healthy relationship with my therapist is also healing.

However, none of that is a magic pill. I am more and more convinced the only solution is start working towards my goals. I felt the best when I was at the top of my game, taking care of myself and leading a healthy lifestyle. It's really important to remember who you are when the shit hits the fan. 

 

 

 

 

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I'm not gonna lie, July has been a bit of a backlash. On the 1st day I submitted my project and finished my course. After that, with some free time in my hands, I started smoking and stopped meditating. Hopefully in August it will be easy to get back in track since I'll be two weeks out in the nature in this surf campus.

I also have been visiting this therapist though, and made some progress with her unraveling some traumas and clearing up the past so I can move forward. I will stick with her for a few weeks because changes are significant.

 

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I'm back.

This summer it's been challenging regarding self-actualization. After finishing my course by then end of June, I had quite a lot of time in my hands. I started smoking, drinking, watching porn, having meaningless sex... My meditation habit is gone. 

Now I have been a couple weeks in a surf campus, trying to engage again in a healthy life. It was fun, met lots of likeminded people and kinda returned to be myself.

My intention for September is to go back to my routine. Meditation, no-fap, exercise and goals

By the way, latest video by @Leo Gura is just brilliant. Letting everything go. Thanks again!

Wrapping it up with my most inspirational song and videoclip. Must have listened to it literally hundreds of times.

 

 

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Welcome back. 

I can relate to slipping back into bad habits. I think it’s a case of falling down and getting back up again, as long as there is a lesson from the fall: i have afforded myself ‘slips’ in the past and indulged in bad habits for a bit, imagining i am in full control, then got myself back on track and assuming i had got away with the slip... and initially It did appear that i had got away with it... but it caught up with me later. 

Good luck in september. I am also ‘rebooting’ in september with some good habit making and eliminating addictions. Will be interested to see what goals you set.

 

 

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Here we are. September 2019. Looks like sci-fi.

For the time being I'm not gonna set any compulsory rules to live by. I know what's good for me. I'm gonna make conscious healthy decisions about food, relationships, habits, etc.

Setting black or white goals turned out to be counterproductive in the past. While I'm capable to follow up my own directions everything seems perfect. But when the shit hits the fan, those goals become too hard to attain, resulting in frustration.

Therefore, I'm gonna trust my gut now. The only habit I'm gonna retrieve is 10 minutes of daily meditation.

Everything else, I'll do according to my judgement, with my professional and personal goals as compass.

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This week I've been back to the therapy sessions after holidays. We have been digging deeper and deeper in my past, specially in my parents narcissistic behaviour. It's not a pleasant thing to do, but it's essential for me to reconcile with my past.

I also read a couple of really interesting articles by Pete Walker, which I saw in the book list of @studentofthegame. The way he differentiates inner and outer critic is just brilliant. I learned about Complex PTSD, which I might have at some degree, and I bought "The Tao of Fully feeling".

Again, it's a bitter pill to swallow. I'm really grateful for having these insights though. They give me the opportunity to work on myself at the most profound levels, and solve the relationship issues I've been dragging for most of my life. I gained much awareness on the way I interact with every single person in my life. For me, transitioning from people-pleasing to setting (too many) boundaries has been challenging and confusing, and it has created troubles in my relationships.

I'll keep doing this shadow work because it's working wonders.

On a brighter note, I'm watching a lot of horror movies. I found they are a really good way of experiencing "negative emotions" in a safe environment, and turned out so healthy for me. Looking forward "It Chapter 2" this weekend.

More to come soon.

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I’m glad you have made use of the pete walker resources. They were recommended to me on here by @Commodent.

Have you started doing grief work? I’m not very far into the tao of fully feeling, but i’m expecting there to be some guided feeling / grief / shadow work.

 

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@Commodent @studentofthegame Many many thanks both of you then. I don't know how else could I had these insights. I ordered the book on Amazon and it arrives on Tuesday, I'll write about it for sure. Should I read the first one (Complex PTSD) before?

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@Gladius I personally enjoyed "The Tao of Fully Feeling" more, but I guess that depends on the person. It was exactly what I needed at the time, as I had, and still have, lots of emotional work to do. "The Tao of Fully Feeling" was actually written in 1995, more than two decades before other one. So you're not "missing out" on anything by reading that one first. Start with the one that seems the most interesting. :)

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@Commodent Nice. I feel like reading "The Tao" now, it ressonates with me more. I thought it was like a sequel to the "Complex". Thanks again.

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God bless shadow work and Carl Jung. 

It would be way easier for me to abandon therapy, quit journaling, forget about the books, and just "move on". Digging in my past is being incredibly painful. I've been brutally honest to myself lately. Acknowledging I've been walking around numb and traumatized most of my life is a very, very bitter pill to swallow. But if I gave up I would be living in the same loop until the day I leave this world.

All kinds of new emotions are bubbling up these days. When I'm at home, by myself, I'm wondering if it's worth it to work so much on this. Once I'm out the door, either at work, or with friends, I got the answer: It's essential. I can feel how life gets easier. I'm connecting better to people, I'm aware of my inner and outer critic, and my inner child is so taken care of. The skin issues I had for 20 years are finally gone. Just like that. *snaps.

Yesterday I went to the wedding of a close friend, and I found myself having so much fun. It had been a long time since I had so-much-real-fun.

My goal now is to keep doing this. Sounds cliche, but I do believe now when you fix yourself on the inside, things solve themselves on the outside.

By the way, I'm devouring "The Tao of Fully Feeling". Every word ressonates with me. Grateful for that as well.

Have a nice day.

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