Horrifying mushroom trip turned positive

[DMM710]

I realize what I'm about to write can be pretty alarming. Many of you are probably going to tell me I should stay away from psychedelics, but hear me out. Even though a lot of it was very dark, and potentially dangerous; I learned so much about myself from this trip. I really feel like I have direction now in my life. I'm not saying I intend to do any psychedelics in the near future, but I haven't ruled them out entirely.

At 6:15 I made tea with 3.5 grams of mushrooms. This was my third time doing them, the first two times I took 2 grams and it was very enjoyable. At the 15 minute mark I was already starting to feel it coming on. I don't even know when it started at full force, but it felt like there was a storm going on in my mind. A little detail that's kind of important - I have Chostocondritis, which causes chest/rib/back pain sometimes. Usually it's just  a minor inconvenience, and not that big of a deal, but during the trip the feeling was amplified by 900,000x. I couldn't get comfortable, and I remember walking up and down the stairs in my house laying/sitting down in different places and positions.

At the peak of my trip I was laying in bed, and my mind was extremely restless and loud. I was hyper focused on the feeling happening in my body. I couldn't tell the difference between things happening in my head, and things happening outside of my head. This is when it got really dark. I actually thought about suicide. I was reaching for some way to get out of the experience, some way to avoid facing what was happening. I've NEVER considered, or thought about suicide in my life. This wasn't like some negative thought pattern that was making me feel bad about my life; it was purely crazy visuals, and uncomfortable physical sensations.  I thought about how it would be over, and peaceful. I actually called the suicide hotline briefly, but hung up. During this whole thing, I had a little voice in the back of my head reassuring me that it would not last for ever, and that I would look back and be glad I didn't do anything. This was the most disturbing part of the trip, I can't believe I actually thought about suicide like this.  When I woke up today, this was the hardest thing to deal with.

The second crazy thing that happened is I felt like all my vulnerabilities were out in the open. Like everyone I have in my social web that I interact with was notified of all my insecurities and fears. It wasn't just the people I knew though; it was my neighbors, it was the people at the park across the street, It was the people in the cars going by outside, I felt totally exposed. After having to face this for a while, I remember sitting up in my bed feeling like I had schizophrenia. I was mumbling random shit to myself, making weird faces, and my visual field felt like it was being moved to different snapshots around the room. Eventually it  took a 180, and every time I would see a new snap shot a little bit of pressure was alleviated. Each snapshot made me careless and less about what people thought of me. It felt amazing.

At about the 5 hour mark, I was almost back down to base level; I was filled with dread. I thought that I had just ruined my life, that now I was going to have post traumatic stress disorder.  I then ate 25 lbs of food and went to bed immediately.

When I woke up today, I was doing what ever I could to avoid looking at what had happened.  After a couple hours I decided to face it, and broke out my journal. I've never used one, but today I learned how freaking valuable they are. I wrote out every detail I could remember about the experience. I then got out a separate piece of paper and jotted down the things that bothered me the most. I remembered that mushrooms could reflect your subconscious mind back at you, and that it can bring your deepest fears and expose you to them. I also remember hearing that the best way to make it through a bad trip is to not fight what is happening, and to surrender yourself fully to the experience.

After dissecting the things that were the most troubling I came to a few conclusions:

• I always run and avoid uncomfortable experiences, which includes pretty much every social situation. This has been the case most of my life. When I had suicide going through my head, it wasn't because I felt hopeless or depressed, it was because I was so desperate to get away from something that was uncomfortable. I now have a very strong determination to look my fears in the face, and not run away.
• I realized that the only way for me to break out of this social anxiety is to surrender to vulnerability. Welcome it, and get used to it. And that eventually my comfort level around people will increase.
• I've always had a small part of me that thought I was actually insane. It's not something that I consciously think about, but the mushrooms made that glaringly obvious. I'm not entirely sure what I can learn from this yet, but at least i'm now aware of this underlying fear.
• It showed me the importance of taking care of my body. I don't eat terrible food, but I know I can do better. More vegetables, more water, better sleep, exercise. I feel this need to take care of future me, and be more understanding and compassionate to past me.
• It really made me appreciate my life and my health. I'm so happy to be alive.

I won't be tripping for a while, but I haven't eliminated the possibility. I really believe there is more to learn from psychedelics, I don't want one bad experience to turn me off of them completely. I did some stuff to prepare like meditation, cleaned, cut out negative stimulation for a few days beforehand and wrote some stuff for myself that would help in case of a bad trip, but I guess it wasn't enough. If I decide to do them again I'm going to go all out, every possible safeguard I can find. And the most important thing would be to surrender to the experience, because me not accepting what was happening made it so much worse.

Also my writing ability isn't the best, but I tried.

 

 

Edited June 5, 2018 by DMM710

[Slade]

Woah that’s awesome haha 

So you actually walked away with more motivation to fix the problems in your life like social anxiety and such? 

Do you feel like the experience fixed anything for you automatically or just gave you the awareness so now you can fix it yourself? 

[TheSomeBody]

i had experienced  suicide thoughts on my trip, it happends because your awarness get bigger and you understand how unimportant you are in the world , you always think that you are the best and important but the reality is that u are nothing. if you are nothing you think that you are worthless and it is better to kill yourself because of social norms. at least it happened for me because of that reason...

you are just dealing with reality, nothing bad happened. it is actualy you key to develop yourself

 

 

 

[DMM710]

1 hour ago, Slade said:

Woah that’s awesome haha 

So you actually walked away with more motivation to fix the problems in your life like social anxiety and such? 

Do you feel like the experience fixed anything for you automatically or just gave you the awareness so now you can fix it yourself? 

It's hard to say this early, but I exercised and have set an intention to fix my sleep schedule tonight. I also feel so much more appreciation for being alive.

 

1 hour ago, TheSomeBody said:

i had experienced  suicide thoughts on my trip, it happends because your awarness get bigger and you understand how unimportant you are in the world , you always think that you are the best and important but the reality is that u are nothing. if you are nothing you think that you are worthless and it is better to kill yourself because of social norms. at least it happened for me because of that reason...

you are just dealing with reality, nothing bad happened. it is actualy you key to develop yourself

 

 

 

Na, for me it made me realize a root problem in my life. I avoid things that are uncomfortable, it's why I'm so isolated and don't often set out to do the things try to do. In this case I was stuck in a situation, and there was no way out. My normal tendency when something is uncomfortable is to get away from it. This was more about physical pain, and a storm in my mind. It just felt really brutal, and I was reaching for some way out. So in this case, I would rather have been DEAD than deal with something that was uncomfortable. That combined with that vulnerability experience makes me really fuckin motivated to face my fears.

Edited June 5, 2018 by DMM710

[TheSomeBody]

On 5.6.2018 at 11:47 PM, DMM710 said:

It's hard to say this early, but I exercised and have set an intention to fix my sleep schedule tonight. I also feel so much more appreciation for being alive.

 

Na, for me it made me realize a root problem in my life. I avoid things that are uncomfortable, it's why I'm so isolated and don't often set out to do the things try to do. In this case I was stuck in a situation, and there was no way out. My normal tendency when something is uncomfortable is to get away from it. This was more about physical pain, and a storm in my mind. It just felt really brutal, and I was reaching for some way out. So in this case, I would rather have been DEAD than deal with something that was uncomfortable. That combined with that vulnerability experience makes me really fuckin motivated to face my fears.

from my experience, dont get to conclution too fast, take your time, read and listen alot about those substensese and read about yoga .
it took me like 3 month to understand what happend to me. it is very tricky 

[Arkandeus]

do not make a habit to listen to suffering, listen to joy, excitement, peace and abundance

listen to your good feelings, listen to what you want to hear

we radiate, we are at peace and in joy, in love and light we surf

Edited June 6, 2018 by Arkandeus

[Nahm]

@DMM710 Deep share man! Thanks for taking the time. Great insights.

[DMM710]

42 minutes ago, Arkandeus said:

do not make a habit to listen to suffering, listen to joy, excitement, peace and abundance

listen to your good feelings, listen to what you want to hear

we radiate, we are at peace and in joy, in love and light we surf

I’m good usually. I have anxiety (which has definitely gotten better) but I haven’t been depressed at all in months. When I was tripping balls it felt like there was no way to ground myself the way I can normally. 

 

3 hours ago, TheSomeBody said:

from my experience, dont get to conclution too fast, take your time, read and listen alot about those substensese and read about yoga .
it took me like 3 month to understand what happend to me. it is very tricky 

I have. I’ve watched a bunch of documentaries, read trip reports, started small. It was just a rough experience. If I do ever decide to go back (probably not for a long time.) I’ll be more prepared. I do plan on experimenting with microdosing though. 

Overall there were no lasting effects from the trip other than more motivation to change myself. I actually feel great, like I have a sense of direction. What happened doesn’t bother me at all.

[DMM710]

7 minutes ago, Nahm said:

@DMM710 Deep share man! Thanks for taking the time. Great insights.

Thank you 

[pluto]

Thanks for sharing, Read this picture from bottom up.

In this case, we are living in the bottom layer trying so hard to sprout but it is never successful because we have yet find a fertile environment, we have yet to find truth. Once we find truth, we can plant ourselves in it and from then we can Sprout thus EnLIGHTenment

When you take a psychedelic, this process is sped up significantly, almost at light speed, so you instead of a gradual process from illusion to truth to light, its a quick glimpse of whole thus why almost all the time you have to experience such darkness in order to see the light because living in the bottom layer we never access that darkness, we unconsciously suppress it and mask it with ego, conditions, beliefs and so on.

In the dark we are forced to face the truth but that truth will set you free.

 

[Pernani]

17 minutes ago, pluto said:

Thanks for sharing, Read this picture from bottom up.

In this case, we are living in the bottom layer trying so hard to sprout but it is never successful because we have yet find a fertile environment, we have yet to find truth. Once we find truth, we can plant ourselves in it and from then we can Sprout thus EnLIGHTenment

When you take a psychedelic, this process is sped up significantly, almost at light speed, so you instead of a gradual process from illusion to truth to light, its a quick glimpse of whole thus why almost all the time you have to experience such darkness in order to see the light because living in the bottom layer we never access that darkness, we unconsciously suppress it and mask it with ego, conditions, beliefs and so on.

In the dark we are forced to face the truth but that truth will set you free.

 

Fuckin deep man