Feeling inferior in my career

[youngshinzen]

I'm studying logistics management and writing my final master thesis this semester. To get to here took a lot of struggle, repeatedly questioning if this is the right path for me and because of that even suicidal thoughts. I started to study in this field in my deepest depression, because I didn't know myself and to please my family. When I finished my bachelors degree, I was afraid to work. So I had the glorious idea to keep on studying something I hate... So until now, it's only fear driven and there's no passion behind it. 

Today I had a first meeting with my professor and other students who participate in a project, which I'm going to write about. I used every technique in my repertoire: Not judging them, not judging me, noticing my breath, ask questions to overcome fear and so on... But at the end of the meeting, I was just crushed, entering this deep hole like always when there's too much pressure. The issue especially this time is, that I have to contact dozens of people for this project. And that's where a strong judgement dominates my mind: They are all on the other side and I am here. They work in the office, which means they're mentally stable and don't think 24/7 about life and spirituality. They think I'm strange and weak and I disturb them with my questions. 

When I'm expressing myself in the field of spirituality and hang out with people who meditate or do self-development, I'm much more myself. I feel very secure, almost like I'm destined to do this stuff. I appreciate things more in those circumstances, where as if someone does something for me at my university, I don't know how to react properly. Because I did my bachelors while extremely depressed, I only learned for the exams and forgot most of it. There's a strong blockage and insecurity when it comes to this field. 

So today I find myself, more than ever, in the position of maybe quitting. My family invested a lot of money, I invested 6 years of my time. Even If I make it through this last step, I believe I will be at the same point again as before. Then I'll beat myself up about not wanting to work in that field. It feels like there is no happy ending to this. 

Should I quit or does this sound like avoiding fear?

 

[StephenK]

I graduated with a degree in Operations Research, which I assume is the same as Logistics Management. I tended to enjoy studying naturally when there was no pressure/expectations. As soon as the pressure came, my interest dwindled and performance dropped. The better I performed, the worse I felt. As I went on from first year, second year, third year, etc, the pressure just carried on building. My studies started having a 'life or death' feeling to it. I personally decided to take off a year and get into web development in my own time, with the long term goal of being able to do freelancing. I basically said to myself: "I enjoy studying. I know that a basic junior web-dev position won't pay as well as being a Operations Research specialist, but I am willing to accept a lower salary for lower expectations placed on me. If I ever wan't to take on a more demanding role, I know I have the skill-set to do so. Currently I'm doing an internship in web-dev (low expectations), knowing I can go back to studying whenever I want. I personally knew that doing more and more post-graduate studies would leave little to no time for self inquiry/personal development. I also realized that I am not that interested in earning a big paycheck. Think of it this way: you already have Honors under your belt. No one can take that away from you. As for quitting or not, I'd say finish the year (you're six months away from finishing, right?), without over committing your life purpose to your studies. 

Edited March 10, 2018 by StephenK

[frnsh]

I understand the struggle when you feel stuck. It feels like you get to the fight or flight mode and you just want to run away as far as possible. But you don't have much time left to finish it, and many people give up when they get to doing the thesis. The thing is that people also regret a lot when they have invested a lot of time but didn't finish what they have started. 

Maybe if you change your mind about fearing your family and how much they have invested and instead replace it with your own. You have invested time, and you want to finish it just to get rid of it with no regrets, no matter you want to work on this field or not. 

[youngshinzen]

@StephenK @frnsh Thanks guys, got some good sleep and don't feel as overwhelmed as yesterday. Do you have any tips about those judgements I make about other people and authorities in the business?

13 hours ago, youngshinzen said:

 The issue especially this time is, that I have to contact dozens of people for this project. And that's where a strong judgement dominates my mind: They are all on the other side and I am here. They work in the office, which means they're mentally stable and don't think 24/7 about life and spirituality. They think I'm strange and weak and I disturb them with my questions. 

 

 

 

[StephenK]

@youngshinzen Have a look at Impostor Syndrome: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Impostor_syndrome. The biggest thing for me was to realize that what other people think really doesn't matter. Other people are far more flawed than you'd believe. People are wearing masks all the time when interacting with each other. In fact, the more I've gotten to know people, the more I realize that no one is really mentally stable in a true sense. We're all flawed. Embrace it and let go of the idea of perfection in others or yourself. 

Edited March 10, 2018 by StephenK
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[ajasatya]

@youngshinzen if you're not responsible for anyone except for yourself, there's no problem on quitting.

take a break. this chapter of the Universe will end someday. make it worth it.

[Nahm]

@youngshinzen

4 hours ago, youngshinzen said:

They are all on the other side and I am here. They work in the office, which means they're mentally stable and don't think 24/7 about life and spirituality. They think I'm strange and weak and I disturb them with my questions

I would bet they aren’t as mentally stable as you think, and that there is literally no way for you to know if they are or not anyways. For you, this is a thought avenue to give up entirely. People can exude confidence and stability and actually be in turmoil inside.  People can be perfectly asleep, unaware they are lost in Maya. I doubt they are thinking you are strange and weak. Even if they were, this is relative to their compassion and growth, it is irrelevant to you, and speculating on what people think is such a slippery slope that imo should be decisively dealt with now. 

Tell me if I’m being semantical, but spirituality could be perceived as the opposite of thinking, let alone thinking about life and spirituality 24/7. That strikes me as a heavy burden to bear, a cross that could be put down, let go off. 

How are you on the practices? Morning meditations, exercise, healthy eating? Outside of certain unique situations, I find these to be the ‘back to basics’ which result in a life without depression. I was diagnosed as manic depressive a long time ago, took pills, did therapy, it didn’t ‘work’. Awareness / consciousness work helped me to become aware that is was the choices I was making with those basics that was the root of my suffering. The more I became aware of it, the more I was depressed, until I had enough, and started making choices from alignment, and the shadow days were numbered from that day on, now I struggle to remember those days, if feels more like a past life. Am I discerning accurately?

 

 

[youngshinzen]

@Nahm @StephenK Thanks to both of you! You reminded me that I was wearing a mask for years while I was in my deepest depression and no-one knew... 

@Nahm I am slowly building more habits and taking care of myself, just like you said, I am more aware now. 

You were diagnosed bipolar too? Can you tell me about what happened to you and how it evolved?

[Nahm]

@youngshinzen In short, it was like I was thinking the misery was coming from the circumstances of my life, and felt out of control.   But I was thinking I should be controlling those circumstances (that was my huge error causing all the grief) Once I started to actually take control of what it is possible to take control of (what I eat, meditation, exercise, not drinking, not eating sugar foods, what I say, what I do, etc) then, my mood, my outlook, perspective, and to a large extent, my personality all changed in a way I would not have been able to see or understand previously. Comparing my life today to then, it’s like a miracle. It feels like that was someone else, a previous life. 

This was over 20 years ago, and in hindsight, the dr who diagnosed me and prescribed me medications was very ignorant. I was ignorant too. In hindsight I see that he did not have clarity on this for himself, so he could not have offered this proper course of action to me. What a “doctor” is, still has a very long way to go, median-wise, imo. Wholistic is where it’s at.

Also, just to clarify, I was diagnosed manic depressive. Not sure if it’s exactly the same as bipolar. I am sure the answer always was to stop doing certain things, and start doing certain things. 

It’s impossible to believe that such basic changes with respect to the body and brain can change the complete experience of the world. IMO, this is a rare and very good opportunity for the word “Faith”. I guess I just had faith and believed in myself. 

While I’m at it - now, today, I’ve read a lot and listened to a lot of teachers. The power is in the variety. But, depression wise, back then, Abraham Hicks clicked with me. If you can find a teacher that ‘reaches you’, even just off YouTube, that’s a very useful thing. 

Best of luck, and lots of love to you man. Keep taking care of yourself. And, here I go bein all sappy, but, love yourself man. 

[StephenK]

3 minutes ago, Nahm said:

And, here I go bein all sappy, but, love yourself man. 

This. Before this truth is realized, a lot of spirituality feels like hitting your head against the wall. Reality can not be truly understood if it is not accepted as it is. I've realized that my years spent on spirituality has been pointless since I never truly accepted myself as I am.

[Nahm]

@StephenK yeah man. That’s powerful. It’s like that first glimpse / realization that -   It is actually ok. Like, it really, actually is, ok. 

[Ether]

@Nahm Yes, faith is what kept me going and im in a more pleasant place now

I have been feeling positive enrgies

[Nahm]

@Ether ♥️?♥️

[youngshinzen]

@Nahm Did you have a manic phase? Bipolar is the same as manic-depressive, they've changed the name for image purposes. 

Thanks for the kind words, you are the future-me  

@StephenK Yes, no one is in control. It took me two years to integrate this, now I'm in-between controlling when necessary and letting go. I still struggle sometimes to see the peaceful intent behind some things, but I think I'll get there eventually  

@Ether Glad to hear that!

[Nahm]

@youngshinzen Ha. thanks. Yeah,  spent days in bed many times. Lasted 2-3 years. Forgot literally who I was once, couldn’t remember my first name. I am truly living someone else’s life now.  Back then it was like ‘can’t believe this shit’s happening to me’, I learned to breath just to hang on. Now it’s a nonstop miracle, and it takes my breath away. Anything’s possible here.  

[frnsh]

On 3/10/2018 at 1:59 PM, youngshinzen said:

@StephenK @frnsh Thanks guys, got some good sleep and don't feel as overwhelmed as yesterday. Do you have any tips about those judgements I make about other people and authorities in the business?

 

These are Leo's videos. They were helpful for me too: 

"Judgment - How You Ruin Your Own Happiness", "How To Stop Judging Yourself", "How To Stop Moralizing - Removing The SHOULDs From Your Life", "How To Stop Caring What People Think Of You"

[youngshinzen]

@Nahm A manic phase for 2-3 years? Manic means overactivity and less and less sleep until the nervous system breaks down. Or was it mixed with depression?

For me it was a gradually growing depression and with 22 (now 25) it hit me: total innocence, understanding I was never in control. That sudden shift lead to the opposite of my depression, a psychosis and almost hallucinating. But also a beautiful process with a huge download of wisdom over the course of two months. Since then it feels like my life is a story and it's as if I was born again. But at the same time, I haven't changed that much  

I once read you're using psychedelics too, did you have any serious problems with them? 

[Nahm]

@youngshinzen Awesome.     Yes, shrooms & tea. Never had any problems with em. 

[youngshinzen]

@frnsh Thank you for sharing! I'll rewatch them