Meeting girls from social circle or hobbies as a hard case newbie

[Hardkill]

I know that I need to put in A LOT MORE work on my cold approaching to get better at it and to improve my overall dating skills. However, as a hard case newbie like myself would trying to meet women I find ATTRACTIVE through social circles or hobbies not work for me?

Edited January 14, 2018 by Hardkill

[Spiral]

@Hardkill Go for it, although pick hobbies you actually enjoy. 

If your social circle is very (in lack of better word) "nerdy" then you'll surely struggle. 

So in other words: don't hang out in order to get girls or pick a hobby for the sake of girls. It can be a bonus especially if all the people in your social circle is doing the same. 

So don't just use people for it.That would come off as desperate among other things.

[Hardkill]

4 minutes ago, Spiral said:

@Hardkill Go for it, although pick hobbies you actually enjoy. 

If your social circle is very (in lack of better word) "nerdy" then you'll surely struggle. 

So in other words: don't hang out in order to get girls or pick a hobby for the sake of girls. It can be a bonus especially if all the people in your social circle is doing the same. 

So don't just use people for it.That would come off as desperate among other things.

But what if I suck with women?

[Omni]

12 minutes ago, Spiral said:

If your social circle is very (in lack of better word) "nerdy" then you'll surely struggle.

Nonsense! Plenty of nerdy girls out there! Albeit available is another story

 

@Hardkill - Spiral is right though, don't do it for the girls if you're attempting a social circle - because that's setting yourself up for disappointment. And if you're trying to find an opportunity based on a hobby/interest that you are both into - don't do cold approach style, play it as if you are more interested in the hobby than you are the girl you're after.

Sure, be friendly and even outgoing, but I've noticed it in myself - I've tried too hard to get attention in the past, it ends up backfiring in terms of chances, So focus on the collective interest, be yourself but notice when your primal 'mating call' kicks in, cause it's a bit more than that usually, at least in my experience.

[Omni]

3 minutes ago, Hardkill said:

But what if I suck with women?

That type of questionable mentality in the moment takes over, people notice it - they may not be able to pinpoint it, but you show it via body language and through interaction. 'Sucking' with women is simply your concept on the matter. You've not gone out and tried enough to know what that really means, though I don't know you. I can get a fair assumption you're just inexperienced rather than bad with women.

with all things, it gets better with practice.

[Hardkill]

Just now, Omni said:

That type of questionable mentality in the moment takes over, people notice it - they may not be able to pinpoint it, but you show it via body language and through interaction. 'Sucking' with women is simply your concept on the matter. You've not gone out and tried enough to know what that really means, though I don't know you. I can get a fair assumption you're just inexperienced rather than bad with women.

with all things, it gets better with practice.

Maybe I am still too inexperienced even after having approached about 1,000 girls in all kinds of venues for the past 3 years, which btw is much more than what 90-99% of men out there in the world have done with meeting women. 

[Omni]

Just now, Hardkill said:

Maybe I am still too inexperienced even after having approached about 1,000 girls in all kinds of venues for the past 3 years, which btw is much more than what 90-99% of men out there in the world have done with meeting women. 

You've done much more than I, though I've chosen to not actively go out there and find it, as I know it will ultimately lead to more distraction as I've got too many goals to allow it currently, though not to say I don't desire to. And sure - may sound silly 'oh how can he give me any advice? Is he just talking out of his ass for post count?'

But think about it for a second - each one of those girls you approached had different interests, different personalities, possibly already taken and then some. You have to find a way to read her before she reads you - you will then be leading the interaction, find out the steps that got you closer to a smooth small-talk style conversation with most of them, and work with that, experiment a bit and hell, even try things you didn't think would possibly work, you never know.

This obviously does NOT mean pushing boundaries and acting like a desperate dude looking for a quick fuck. - Though you don't sound shallow enough to do it anyhow.

Keep at it, but don't do it 'for the chick'. Each one of those approaches gives you a new shard of information to be used the next time if that one falls through. Hell maybe have a wing-man watch you from the background without her aware of it. They, not being directly involved may be able to see the point of your error and she shut you out.

Whatever it is, know that 1,000 women is nothing compared to all of them out there, granted i'm aware your standards are higher, as are mine - so I can relate. But keep your options open and your methods fresh and well thought-out. You will 'score', just have patience

[Hardkill]

6 hours ago, Omni said:

You've done much more than I, though I've chosen to not actively go out there and find it, as I know it will ultimately lead to more distraction as I've got too many goals to allow it currently, though not to say I don't desire to. And sure - may sound silly 'oh how can he give me any advice? Is he just talking out of his ass for post count?'

But think about it for a second - each one of those girls you approached had different interests, different personalities, possibly already taken and then some. You have to find a way to read her before she reads you - you will then be leading the interaction, find out the steps that got you closer to a smooth small-talk style conversation with most of them, and work with that, experiment a bit and hell, even try things you didn't think would possibly work, you never know.

This obviously does NOT mean pushing boundaries and acting like a desperate dude looking for a quick fuck. - Though you don't sound shallow enough to do it anyhow.

Keep at it, but don't do it 'for the chick'. Each one of those approaches gives you a new shard of information to be used the next time if that one falls through. Hell maybe have a wing-man watch you from the background without her aware of it. They, not being directly involved may be able to see the point of your error and she shut you out.

Whatever it is, know that 1,000 women is nothing compared to all of them out there, granted i'm aware your standards are higher, as are mine - so I can relate. But keep your options open and your methods fresh and well thought-out. You will 'score', just have patience

Okay, well I've tried my martial arts place, my gym, and running club, and I've tried yoga a number of times. I've tried meeting all of the ones that I am attracted to in each of places but they either didn't seem interested in me or they flaked out on me after getting their number or they were already taken. I've tried meetups like Kickball, meditation, volleyball and trivia night at a bar, but I failed in those places too. I don't know where or what else to try that would be a good shot for me for to meet attractive and available women who would be interested in me.

Also, I tried dating a couple of girls who I met from a female friend of mine. I got rejected after my first date with each of them.

Yeah, so I don't know where to go from there.

Edited January 15, 2018 by Hardkill

[ElenaO]

13 hours ago, Hardkill said:

Okay, well I've tried my martial arts place, my gym, and running club, and I've tried yoga a number of times. I've tried meeting all of the ones that I am attracted to in each of places but they either didn't seem interested in me or they flaked out on me after getting their number or they were already taken. I've tried meetups like Kickball, meditation, volleyball and trivia night at a bar, but I failed in those places too. I don't know where or what else to try that would be a good shot for me for to meet attractive and available women who would be interested in me.

Also, I tried dating a couple of girls who I met from a female friend of mine. I got rejected after my first date with each of them.

Yeah, so I don't know where to go from there.

I wonder what are you doing on the dates that they reject you. Could you describe what are your actions? 
 

[BjarkeT]

may be helpful but nothing is really gonna chance unless you take action on it you could keep posting on the forums about this but it won't make a difference unless you take action 

I don't recommend to do a cold approach it's better to be authentic than something that's not you if that's the case there are some consequences of not being authentic (for example one of the things could be that the things you do never really will feel authentic)

it may also have some consequences later in the relationship if they thought you where a cold kinda guy but it turns out later a completely different guy

maybe some of the key things I can think of from past experience or from being around others is  at the beginning see if you can either make her interested in you or fall in love with you literally the first time you meet (it helps to make her laugh) and it may help to figure out how it works to have one relationship for a long (or longer) period of time (but it's important that you aren't being manipulative)

Maybe some things that can help is that I have heard that it can be useful to be around friends to look more attractive 

it may also help to be around her frequently as long as it isn't in a needy way but to spend *quality time* with her and if one spend to much time away from her it may become like a long distance relationship

something else may be to really try to get a big picture understanding of how relationships/dating etc. works and then deliberately practice it(it may help to think of the things you think may have the biggest value or make the biggest positive difference and then research more about it or alternatively try to observe what others do and then try to think about what made them successful and then research more about it)

I personally think that the quality of practice is more important than quantity of practice it may help to think about how you can improve the quality of your practice(so you gain quicker results in less time) at least this is true when people studied virtuoso musicians 

something separate is that I don't recommend doing a lot of different things it may be best to stick with one thing and then get really good at it(I recommend so good they can't ignore you from Cal Newport for more details)

it may also help with a dating coach if you can find someone I am not sure if trip advice is one but I highly recommend him if he is (the left guy in the video above)

i am sure that it could work to find someone through hobbies etc. but it may give you an advantage if you both have the same interest(in case you haven't already tried it this way) I don't see why not

i hope it was help full

Edited January 16, 2018 by BjarkeT

[Hardkill]

5 hours ago, ElenaO said:

I wonder what are you doing on the dates that they reject you. Could you describe what are your actions? 
 

Well I usually try to escalate physically as fast as EFFECTIVELY possible. After all, I am looking for just casual sex and I don't want to her to friend zone me. When this happens, most of the time I never hear from or see them again. Sometimes though, I've gotten makeouts and even laid. However, there have been a couple of times where after I did heavy petting with a girl or had full P to V sex with her, she would tell me days later that I wanted was sex or that I just liked her body. There have been a few of times when I try not escalating as much as I usually do, and the girl at the end of the date would just hug me, say her goodbyes, and then about a day or a few days later or a week later she tells me something like "I am sorry I just don't feel it with you. You're a good guy. You're just not for me" or "It was nice to meet with you the other day, but honestly I just didn't feel it. I wish you all the best" or "I am flattered that you want to see me again, but I don't think that we are a match. I am looking for someone with a stable career and is ready for marriage." There have been a couple of times when I try not escalating as much as I usually do, and I ended up kissing the girl at the end of the date, but then a couple days later has texted back by saying "Hey, it was nice to meet you the other day, but to be honest I didn't really feel a connection between us. Take care and I hope you have a better future" or has said to me "Hey Ross...thank you for sending me a massage. I think that you're a good guy. However, I was thinking though that we don't really have that much in common to keep in touch...sorry." With the girl who sent me the latter response after I madeout with her I replied back with "Oh, I am shocked you feel that we. I thought we had a moment right before we parted ways :?." She then was like "Yes I know, and it was a nice moment. However, I am at point in my life where I am looking for something serious and want to focus on that." My final response to her was "and exactly are you looking for?" Afterwards, I never got a response from her ever again.

[Key Elements]

4 hours ago, Hardkill said:

You said, "I am looking for just casual sex and I don't want to her to friend zone me."

 

4 hours ago, Hardkill said:

She said, "I am looking for someone with a stable career and is ready for marriage."

I was talking about different ppl have different values/boundaries here.

[Hardkill]

On 1/15/2018 at 5:52 PM, Key Elements said:

 

I was talking about different ppl have different values/boundaries here.

I know, but it’s like no matter where I go, I can never the right match for me. So how can I fix this for sure?

[Key Elements]

1 hour ago, Hardkill said:

I know, but it’s like no matter where I go, I can never the right match for me. So how can I fix this for sure?

I'm surprised you're asking me. I mean, you did mention that your mom & dad are happily married. I thought you would learn from them. Usually, (from my observation), the children grow up learning from their parents. And, you're already 30. You do need to be stable to get married -- stable job (at least) and mentally stable.

But then, from reading your posts, you don't sound like you're headed in that direction.

[Omni]

After reading a bit from the previous thread that @Key Elements posted as well as here - This may be my own opinion and I don't think even that much info will allow me to determine anything as fact, but I may have concluded the problem(s).

You may be trying too hard, potentially to the extent that your expression/interaction is very predicated upon the idea of casual sex - to the extent that it is very evident to them when you do these 'dates' - even when you're being too restrictive on yourself it may show itself more than you realize.

Now don't get me wrong; there are many women out there wanting the same thing, but are usually harder to find, and aren't out there doing what you're doing. More rather having this casual sex with people they're already somewhat close to, or have known for a while and have agreed to keep it casual prior. OR they're on tinder or some other platform for that very intention - granted I don't believe this is 100% of the case, but it's seemingly frowned upon in society for women to actively go out and search for it - therefore keeping it more suppressed and conforming to these notions.

Going to the 'hotspots' of casual sex. Tinder and what ever else. (Don't know any others cause I don't use any) May be your best option, but that could also lead to disappointment as well.

 

 

Now, that said and how you've gotten criticism from girls about "I'm looking for someone stable" or "we didn't have much in common" - Which even if you're actively finding social circles in all those areas - doesn't mean you'll find someone with common interests as those are small fractions of the rest of people's lives, and yours as well - granted of course you're looking for casual sex, so this will inherently cause a problem as you're not looking for a relationship - but you have to not only show interest in that person, making them feel like you're enthused of the time spent, but this can also be over-done as well. It's about finding a balance.

But then, what types of conversations come up when you talk about yourself? Do you have interesting hobbies or job? Do you not go too much about that? do you spend too much complaining about a topic or what have you? Do you obsessively talk about your life and your desires?

Remember that the person you're dating has expectations to the night, as do you. Therefore should be a goal to try and compromise and meet both expectations, even if you don't get some. I know you've obviously dealt with that already - but remember that these 'relationships' and 'stable career and marriage' aren't locking you into any contracts. That is simply what they want. Just as they don't have to automatically have casual sex since that's YOUR goal.

Try meeting them half way, try a short term relationship. Give them what they want, and in turn you may get what you want - but that's if you learn to read people and know where to go next with it without it seeming like you're after only what you want and fuck the rest, that simply won't work 99% of the time.

 

 

Other than that, all I can recommend is taking a step back and working on yourself, like REALLY working on yourself and letting the girls come to you, albeit won't be often. It's about proving that you don't need anyone else, proving that you're not desperate, showing that you can be something without someone else. It's a weird notion but that's where I'm at - I don't go out and actively find people because it's not worth it, I'll be dissatisfied at every turn because It's not enough to sit and 'talk about cool stuff'. And not to mention I've learned to not only restrict my standards to personal appearance. - Maybe back in my teen years, but now it's time for me to focus on bigger things.

Why waste my time on someone I can't have deep, personal and very thought provoking questions with? For sex? Not enough for me.
Why waste time distracting myself with a relationship when that doesn't help me do the things I truly love?
Why put energy into going out into society and trying to adapt to their status quo? (i.e. dating, marriage, social standards, etc.)

It's about doing you and letting that person come if it ever does. Don't focus on that too much otherwise you'll tear yourself apart with your own mind. Focus on the bigger picture (where you will be in 5, 10, 20 or 50 years) and make that your goal, with doing so you will meet many people along the way, and you may stumble on to the perfect match - while also having a clear focus and determination for bigger things than just sex, trust me that quality alone will be attractive to many women in itself.

 

Whichever decision you make, know that each one will probably lead to disappointment somewhere down the line as it is inherent, but how you react and build yourself up at that point determines who you are

[Hardkill]

1 hour ago, Key Elements said:

I'm surprised you're asking me. I mean, you did mention that your mom & dad are happily married. I thought you would learn from them. Usually, (from my observation), the children grow up learning from their parents. And, you're already 30. You do need to be stable to get married -- stable job (at least) and mentally stable.

But then, from reading your posts, you don't sound like you're headed in that direction.

With all due respect, that did not sound very helpful. You can say that you're just telling the truth and what have you, but I do not see how it was appropriate and relevant to the topic and advice that I was looking for on this thread at all.

[Key Elements]

43 minutes ago, Hardkill said:

With all due respect, that did not sound very helpful. You can say that you're just telling the truth and what have you, but I do not see how it was appropriate and relevant to the topic and advice that I was looking for on this thread at all.

Read it a different way. Why are you dating gals that want a stable relationship to being interested in getting married? Obviously, they are not interested in casual sex. That's all I'm saying.

I don't know the solution to your problem if you only want casual sex.

I agree with @Omni 's last two paragraphs to what he posted. If you don't understand what he's saying, are you going to do self-inquiry on it? If not, this is not helping.

[Key Elements]

This thread has more than enough useful info that lead in different directions.